UPJOKE
psychotherapymedicinemedicationradiotherapydiagnosistherapeuticchemotherapyphysiotherapydosepalliativecurativemedicaltreatmentsplacebotreatment

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"



The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"



"I've built t...

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in ag...

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A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

Why did the electron go to therapy?

It couldn't be positive.

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked

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Sex Therapy

Seems to be pretty old joke,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong...

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Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "...

Breakthrough in therapy

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. When I asked him a question, he said, 'No hablo ingles.'

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

Why is it so hard to make a schizophrenic pay for private therapy?

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MANAGE THEIR INVOICES.

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Recently started therapy with the wife.

Fucking great, now two people hate me, both have my number and I'm paying both of them.

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

Why does Elon Musk needs therapy?

He's never stopped wanting his X

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I started therapy the other day

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

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I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

Grandpa: Your generation wastes too much in therapy!

Millennial: Don't worry, we just make up for the therapy your generation missed.

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

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therapy

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovab...

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

Why was Iron going to therapy

It was having trouble sorting out its Fe-elings

Happy science week!

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

What do you call a show where people laugh at you while you get your therapy?

Dr.Phil

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Needed to find a therapy specialist

How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org

Why is therapy so expensive in the 41st Millenium?

Because The Emperor Projects!

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

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So I started therapy today...

Apparently I exaggerate my interactions with the opposite sex and the problem stems from narcissistic thoughts that all women want me.

Or at least that’s what my new girlfriend thinks.

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

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Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.



The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”



The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderl...

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Tractor Therapy

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed ...

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A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

A man had a terrible accident and badly damaged his jaw. The surgeons use part of the man's leg to build a new jaw bone, after hours of surgery and weeks of therapy he makes a full recovery but

He now talks with a limp

What line convinced the seaweed to receive therapy?

"Stop it, get some kelp"

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

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A couple in therapy

The wife: "I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong."

The therapist: "Do you really do that?"

The husband: "Oh, cry me a table!"

There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied.

I’m helping new members join

Some people go to therapy but I just go to the gym.

Benching is a great way to get stuff off your chest.

Melania is very disappointed of Donald in couples therapy

All he does is build walls.

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

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It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

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What did they call conversion therapy back in the Stone Age?

Homo correctus

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What's the difference between Group Therapy and Group Sex?

Group therapy you hear all their problems; group sex you see them

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Here at Goldman and smith therapy office

We take the "the" out of psychotherapist

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

A man walks into a group therapy class

A man walk into a group therapy class and says, “I know I’m new here but before we get started I would like to say a word”

“That’s fine” said the group leader.

The man stood and said, “plethora”

The group leader replied, “Thanks, that means a lot”

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No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"

So ...

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Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

My parents sent me to conversion therapy.

They wanted me to go from "Pascals" to "Jewels".

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I double majored in asian wrestling and sex therapy

I graduated sumo cum laude

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

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A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having sex, what do most wish your wife would do?"

The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."

(I just made that up.)

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I opened up a sex therapy clinic for deer.

It's called "More Bang for Your Buck"

Have to take my son to speech therapy..

Easier done than said

I joined a loneliness therapy group...

No one showed up.

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Ain't therapy great?

He yawns, but doesn't seem bored,

If you think of his bill, you are poor,

If you're feeling blue,

and want to get screwed,

"The Rapist" -it's there on his door.

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy...

Always trying to break up, only to be reunited by a third party.

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

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A New Kind of Speech Therapy

So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.

One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she ...

My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.

They haven't conducted the first session yet.

What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy?

That Sharon is Karen...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

A uranium atom and a plutonium atom are having a rough patch in their marriage. They try therapy and eastern alternatives but it just doesn't work out. They end up getting divorced but can't agree on a settlement, so they decide to split 50/50

The word around town is that the courtroom was really toxic and explosive

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3 Men with stutters go to see a speech therapist to help them with their stutters and after a few months of therapy that isn't going very well one day the therapist thinks of a solution...

...the therapist then turns around to them and says "right, if you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering...I'll give each of you a blowjob, right here, right now!

she then steps up to the first man and asks him, "where were you born?"

the first man says "B B B B B B B Bir...

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

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A man and a wife are having therapy together, when the man’s wife suddenly blurts out “I just have to know this, therapist. My husband keeps making horse related jokes despite me telling him to stop several times now, and I’m starting to get worried for him. Is that normal, or could he be insane?”

The therapist, confused by this question, looks over to the husband, who responds, “Don’t worry honey, I’m mentally stable.”

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to couple's therapy...

Their marriage has been seeing troubles lately so they decided to give it a try. The therapist decides to hear each of their sides of the story separately.

The therapist takes Mickey into a separate room and Mickey tells him his side of things. Then Minnie gets her chance to tell the story. ...

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

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So a couple is sitting in couples therapy...

The wife says to the therapist, "He acts uninterested in me and sex is almost impossible with his tiny penis". Then the therapist replies, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!!"

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

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Farmer Dave

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbor Dan one day and when he pulled up he was was suprised to not see Dan out in the field working.

So he looked around a bit and found Dan in the barn with some Rr&B playing and a candlelit dinner set out by the John Deere.

Dave asked what was going...

I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool?

Vegetable soup

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