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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

What do you call a show where people laugh at you while you get your therapy?

Dr.Phil

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

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Therapy

Me: "I'm afraid of random letters"

Therapist: "You are?"

Me: *Screams*

Therapist: [confused pause] "Oh, I see"

Me: *Screaming intensifies*

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Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.



The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”



The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderl...

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

Where are ADHD children sent for therapy?

Concentration camps.

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Recently started therapy with the wife.

Fucking great, now two people hate me, both have my number and I'm paying both of them.

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

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What did they call conversion therapy back in the Stone Age?

Homo correctus

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In marriage therapy the husband loudly proclaims: "I am married to my best friend!"

The husband than leans over to the Therapist and ads covertly: "My wife doesn't know of course."

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

Melania is very disappointed of Donald in couples therapy

All he does is build walls.

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

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I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

I have a lovely wife, good friends, and a respected family.

My friend wants me to leave all that and focus on my schizophrenia therapy.

There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied.

I’m helping new members join

My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.

They haven't conducted the first session yet.

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

My dog just became a therapy dog!

I’m so proud! He got his dogtorate!

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

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What's the difference between Group Therapy and Group Sex?

Group therapy you hear all their problems; group sex you see them

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

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Three Mothers go to Therapy

After a 30 minutes of questions the therapist says "I've figured it out. You all have unhealthy obsessions that have taken over your lives." He turns to the first mother and says:

"You named your daughter Candy, and you're obsessed with sweets."

He turns to the second mother and says...

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

No hablo ingles.

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therapy

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovab...

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Where the hell do you get the balls to tell your wife she needs therapy?

I can't even tell mine she needs a breath mint.

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Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

A man walks into a group therapy class

A man walk into a group therapy class and says, “I know I’m new here but before we get started I would like to say a word”

“That’s fine” said the group leader.

The man stood and said, “plethora”

The group leader replied, “Thanks, that means a lot”

What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy?

That Sharon is Karen...

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Here at Goldman and smith therapy office

We take the "the" out of psychotherapist

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in ag...

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Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."...

When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

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Billy’s tractor

One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor. ...

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

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I opened up a sex therapy clinic for deer.

It's called "More Bang for Your Buck"

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

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An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing...

My parents sent me to conversion therapy.

They wanted me to go from "Pascals" to "Jewels".

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

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Why was the septic tank servicer in therapy?

He had seen some shit.

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Oprah Winfrey goes to therapy

Oprah was suffering from quite a bit of stress so she decided it would be best to see a therapist. After multiple visits, she felt like the treatment wasn’t working as well as she hoped. So during the next appointment, she told her therapist “How about instead of talking, we just have sex? I think t...

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but the...

I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

I joined a loneliness therapy group...

No one showed up.

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No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"

So ...

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A couple in therapy

The wife: "I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong."

The therapist: "Do you really do that?"

The husband: "Oh, cry me a table!"

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

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Tractor Therapy

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed ...

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A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having sex, what do most wish your wife would do?"

The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."

(I just made that up.)

What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool?

Vegetable soup

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

Have to take my son to speech therapy..

Easier done than said

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

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So a couple is sitting in couples therapy...

The wife says to the therapist, "He acts uninterested in me and sex is almost impossible with his tiny penis". Then the therapist replies, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!!"

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

My sister used to be a beekeeper.

She lived in California, but was always very emotional. She decided to get into bee keeping by way of therapy, but one day her favourite bee died. She'd named him Alloudocius. We always called her the super sister because she looked after us, but things were never the same after her bee died. We bla...

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A New Kind of Speech Therapy

So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.

One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she ...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

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Ain't therapy great?

He yawns, but doesn't seem bored,

If you think of his bill, you are poor,

If you're feeling blue,

and want to get screwed,

"The Rapist" -it's there on his door.

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to couple's therapy...

Their marriage has been seeing troubles lately so they decided to give it a try. The therapist decides to hear each of their sides of the story separately.

The therapist takes Mickey into a separate room and Mickey tells him his side of things. Then Minnie gets her chance to tell the story. ...

A gambling addict begins his 5th stretch of therapy...

"It failed 4 times in a row, so it's bound to work this time."

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An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

One day, DJ Khalid’s son found a magical lamp...

One day, DJ Khaled’s son stumbled upon a magical lamp. After rubbing it, a mystical genie poured out of the stem and asked for boy what he wanted for his wishes. Knowing his father’s great love of music, the boy wished to become a keyboard, something Khaled enjoyed using for his music. “Granted”, sa...

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

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I had a talk with my therapist

Me: you know I feel like people keep cutting me off in life and bursting my bubble so that along with my childhood trauma gave me more than enough reason to come to you for therapy

"Sir this is a McDonalds drive-through"

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis med...

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Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

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Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to another, "what do you do for work?"

He responds
"I work in gene therapy, exciting stuff, our last patient came in saying he could not please his wife, so we treated him with our cutting edge techniques. Now, he has a 10 inch penis! What about you?"
"Only about 7 and a half but my wife seems to like it"

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