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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

What do you call a show where people laugh at you while you get your therapy?

Dr.Phil

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

Breakthrough in therapy

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. When I asked him a question, he said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

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Therapy

Me: "I'm afraid of random letters"

Therapist: "You are?"

Me: *Screams*

Therapist: [confused pause] "Oh, I see"

Me: *Screaming intensifies*

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Three men with stutters are in speech therapy

Three men with stutters go to see a (very attractive) speech therapist to help them with their stutters. However, after a few months, the therapy isn't going very well. So, the therapist thinks of a solution...

The next day, therapist says to three men, "Let's try something new," she says, "I...

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

What do you call Mark Zuckerberg getting therapy?

Tech support

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

I'm going into therapy to deal with my fear of escalators, but it shouldn't take long ...

It's only a one step program.

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked

Why did the can crusher need to go to therapy?

>!Because it was soda pressed!<

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

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I started therapy the other day

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

Melania is very disappointed of Donald in couples therapy

All he does is build walls.

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

Some people go to therapy but I just go to the gym.

Benching is a great way to get stuff off your chest.

Why is therapy so expensive in the 41st Millenium?

Because The Emperor Projects!

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

Patient: Doctor, these therapy sessions haven't really helped me.

Psychiatrist: You've just recently started, you have to give it time. So far you've only come here for a total of 8 or 9 hundred dollars.

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

Based on a true story

Miss Clark had just gotten a job at a local elementary school after graduating with her master’s degree in speech–language pathology and was excited to start working with children and help them improve their communication skills.

On her first day she met a young boy named Billy at the office...

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Recently started therapy with the wife.

Fucking great, now two people hate me, both have my number and I'm paying both of them.

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I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

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Needed to find a therapy specialist

How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied.

I’m helping new members join

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Therapy, outdoors

Psychotherapist: Dan, why do you insist on having our sessions in the park? Your schizophrenia has nothing to do with your chance to get infected.

Dan: Sorry doc, just following guidelines - we don't want to crowd more than 30 people in a closed space.

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What did they call conversion therapy back in the Stone Age?

Homo correctus

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A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

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Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.



The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”



The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderl...

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.

They haven't conducted the first session yet.

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in ag...

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

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So I started therapy today...

Apparently I exaggerate my interactions with the opposite sex and the problem stems from narcissistic thoughts that all women want me.

Or at least that’s what my new girlfriend thinks.

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What's the difference between Group Therapy and Group Sex?

Group therapy you hear all their problems; group sex you see them

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

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Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

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therapy

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovab...

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Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."...

Business Idea

Food truck but instead of food it’s therapy and it’s called automofeels.

When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

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Three Mothers go to Therapy

After a 30 minutes of questions the therapist says "I've figured it out. You all have unhealthy obsessions that have taken over your lives." He turns to the first mother and says:

"You named your daughter Candy, and you're obsessed with sweets."

He turns to the second mother and says...

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A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the ch...

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

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Where the hell do you get the balls to tell your wife she needs therapy?

I can't even tell mine she needs a breath mint.

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I double majored in asian wrestling and sex therapy

I graduated sumo cum laude

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

A man walks into a group therapy class

A man walk into a group therapy class and says, “I know I’m new here but before we get started I would like to say a word”

“That’s fine” said the group leader.

The man stood and said, “plethora”

The group leader replied, “Thanks, that means a lot”

What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy?

That Sharon is Karen...

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

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Here at Goldman and smith therapy office

We take the "the" out of psychotherapist

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An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing...

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

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No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"

So ...

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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”

The man instantly stiffens up and look...

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Oprah Winfrey goes to therapy

Oprah was suffering from quite a bit of stress so she decided it would be best to see a therapist. After multiple visits, she felt like the treatment wasn’t working as well as she hoped. So during the next appointment, she told her therapist “How about instead of talking, we just have sex? I think t...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

My parents sent me to conversion therapy.

They wanted me to go from "Pascals" to "Jewels".

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I opened up a sex therapy clinic for deer.

It's called "More Bang for Your Buck"

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

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Tractor Therapy

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed ...

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

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A couple in therapy

The wife: "I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong."

The therapist: "Do you really do that?"

The husband: "Oh, cry me a table!"

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy...

Always trying to break up, only to be reunited by a third party.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

I joined a loneliness therapy group...

No one showed up.

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A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having sex, what do most wish your wife would do?"

The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."

(I just made that up.)

Two friends were talking at work one morning

The one mentions to the other how completely stressed out he's feeling and how he can't afford therapy. The friend chuckles and says "Whenever I'm feeling stressed out I go home during my lunch hour, find my wife in the kitchen and have my way with her, right then and there. By the time lunch is ove...

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

Have to take my son to speech therapy..

Easier done than said

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So a couple is sitting in couples therapy...

The wife says to the therapist, "He acts uninterested in me and sex is almost impossible with his tiny penis". Then the therapist replies, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!!"

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool?

Vegetable soup

I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

so I played a horror game...

The game was free, therapy was not



\-Doki Doki 2020

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A New Kind of Speech Therapy

So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.

One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she ...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to couple's therapy...

Their marriage has been seeing troubles lately so they decided to give it a try. The therapist decides to hear each of their sides of the story separately.

The therapist takes Mickey into a separate room and Mickey tells him his side of things. Then Minnie gets her chance to tell the story. ...

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

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Ain't therapy great?

He yawns, but doesn't seem bored,

If you think of his bill, you are poor,

If you're feeling blue,

and want to get screwed,

"The Rapist" -it's there on his door.

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