UPJOKE
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At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

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Sex Therapy

Seems to be pretty old joke,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong...

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"



The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"



"I've built t...

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked

What do you call a show where people laugh at you while you get your therapy?

Dr.Phil

Why did the Maths book undergo therapy?

It was because nobody could solve all its problems...


(Inspired by the original Maths book having problems joke)

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

What do you call Mark Zuckerberg getting therapy?

Tech support

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

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The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

\- "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

\- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to t...

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Three men with stutters are in speech therapy

Three men with stutters go to see a (very attractive) speech therapist to help them with their stutters. However, after a few months, the therapy isn't going very well. So, the therapist thinks of a solution...

The next day, therapist says to three men, "Let's try something new," she says, "I...

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

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A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

Breakthrough in therapy

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. When I asked him a question, he said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the bo...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

Grandpa: Your generation wastes too much in therapy!

Millennial: Don't worry, we just make up for the therapy your generation missed.

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

Why did the Banana seek therapy?

He went _Bananas_ after he and his girl _split_. He just wasn’t _peeling_ himself. He was _berry_ sad.

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

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I started therapy the other day

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

Why did the electron go to therapy?

It couldn't be positive.

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

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Recently started therapy with the wife.

Fucking great, now two people hate me, both have my number and I'm paying both of them.

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I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

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Needed to find a therapy specialist

How to find one? Tried my luck searching for a probable urls. Internet is so stupid. Seriously? I could not find simple address like therapistfinder.org

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

Why is therapy so expensive in the 41st Millenium?

Because The Emperor Projects!

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in ag...

There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied.

I’m helping new members join

When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

Some people go to therapy but I just go to the gym.

Benching is a great way to get stuff off your chest.

Relapse

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to sto...

My husband is best

3 wives are conversing….first says my husband is best: he cooks food and takes care of kids.
Second says my husband is best: he does all the household chores and spoils me with presents every day.
Third one says shut up! I have the best husband-he goes to therapy 6days in a week and all he tal...

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A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

Melania is very disappointed of Donald in couples therapy

All he does is build walls.

Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.



The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”



The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderl...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

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What did they call conversion therapy back in the Stone Age?

Homo correctus

What line convinced the seaweed to receive therapy?

"Stop it, get some kelp"

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

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Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

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What's the difference between Group Therapy and Group Sex?

Group therapy you hear all their problems; group sex you see them

My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.

They haven't conducted the first session yet.

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

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therapy

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovab...

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

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Eighty year old couple goes in for sex therapy.

The man tells the therapist that they haven't enjoyed their intimate moments as much as they did before.

Therapist asks, "When did you first start noticing this?"

The man replies, "Well, three times last night, then twice this morning.

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An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing...

I took part in a conversion therapy test

Now I'm no longer attracted to my wife, her brother is really hot though.

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Tractor Therapy

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed ...

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

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Doctor, you have to help me.

I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.

My God, that's horrible. Clearly you need help. Don't worry, with therapy I'm sure we can rid you of this awful impulse.

Thank you, doctor. I don't know what might have happened. If I fin...

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I double majored in asian wrestling and sex therapy

I graduated sumo cum laude

My parents sent me to conversion therapy.

They wanted me to go from "Pascals" to "Jewels".

What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy?

That Sharon is Karen...

A man walks into a group therapy class

A man walk into a group therapy class and says, “I know I’m new here but before we get started I would like to say a word”

“That’s fine” said the group leader.

The man stood and said, “plethora”

The group leader replied, “Thanks, that means a lot”

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Here at Goldman and smith therapy office

We take the "the" out of psychotherapist

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Speech Therapy Needed

Joe, who had a speech problem, went for a day out to the seaside.

First, he went to the clock shop.

Joe: "Can I have a cock please?"

Shopkeeper: "A what?"

Joe: "A cock. I want a cock."

Shopkeeper: "Oh! You mean CLOCK."

Joe: "Yes, cock."

And so Joe buy...

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

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A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

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No Speech Therapy for him (NSFWish)

A man came to the doctor's office, frustrated and tired. He says," D-d-doc, I have this sp-peech problem. I've ha-d-d it all my life and it's ma-making me miserable. I c-can't speak in public. I have trouble in business me-meetings a-a-nd it's affecting my family now. P-p-please help Doc"

So ...

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

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I opened up a sex therapy clinic for deer.

It's called "More Bang for Your Buck"

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A married couple is in therapy

The therapist asks the husband, "When you are having sex, what do most wish your wife would do?"

The husband answers, "She can do whatever she likes, so long as she doesn't come home without calling first."

(I just made that up.)

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A couple in therapy

The wife: "I'm just tired of him getting sayings wrong."

The therapist: "Do you really do that?"

The husband: "Oh, cry me a table!"

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

I joined a loneliness therapy group...

No one showed up.

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy...

Always trying to break up, only to be reunited by a third party.

Have to take my son to speech therapy..

Easier done than said

A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy.

Youthless

I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...

Heroin.

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool?

Vegetable soup

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Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

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So a couple is sitting in couples therapy...

The wife says to the therapist, "He acts uninterested in me and sex is almost impossible with his tiny penis". Then the therapist replies, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!!"

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