A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

Plot twist joke

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything...

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

I'm trying a different writing process in which I write out a bunch of ideas in small rough drafts, then I choose to work further on the one I think works best.

My parents are going to be impressed when they see how creative and error free my suicide letter is.

One blond to another: which is further away, London or the moon? The other: helloo isn’t it obvious?

You can’t even see London from here

"Go forth and seek, further up, thy you will find glory"

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The p...

How do you get a guy to walk four times further than necessary?

Stand at the second urinal.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

I can throw rocks further than catapults.

I mean, have you ever *tried* throwing a catapult?

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?

Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!


So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Al...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

Can't argue with that

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

The shop

A new shop was built in a little town.
The second day, at the shop a lot of people were waiting in line for it to open.
A man dressed in a suit wanted to get to the front door so he decides to walk by the people. The first who saw him walking by, grabbed him and cursed him a lot, but he let ...

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A man is walking down the beach,

When he sees a woman with no arms and legs; as he gets closer he can hear her gently sobbing.

"What's wrong ma'am?" He inquired earnestly.

"Well you see, I was born like this, and because of it I've never gotten close to a man, I've never even hugged one."

The man contemplates t...

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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

An American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island

"We need to work together,", the american said.

"Ok,", he continued. "I will make shelter, while you get supplies."

"Ok", the chinese man answered before walking further in on the island.

Two days went by, and the american had built shelter. He was starting to starve, and as the...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you w...

An Irish Man is on a plane

An Irish man is on a plane and suddenly there's a loud bang.

The Pilot comes on an says "Ladies and gentlemen we have just lost one of our engines, but don't worry as we can still make it, however, there will be a slight delay of about 45 minutes.

A few moments pass and again, there is...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

... when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away further down the road.

Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears ...

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.

“First you give me $2.00 every ...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

Three individuals go into a bar.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, if you are going any further, you need some sort of identification.”

A suspicious white substance was found today at Arizona Cardinals practice

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

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In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach



They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks off...
...

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Two old jewish men are walking down the street

When one turns to the other and says:
"Moishe, what would you do if you had two houses?" Moishe replies "Izic, you are my best friend, I would give you one of my houses". Several yards later, Izic once again turns to Moishe and asks "Moishe, what would you do if you had two cars?" Moishe once aga...

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

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"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

The Alpine Find

An archaeological dig team was on an expedition to the Alps when they discovered a mummified human buried in the ice. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a young male from the Neolithic period.

The team was split into two sections: Section One was to climb the slope and retrieve the mum...

Two traders go to the beach.

They lay their beach towels on the sand and while one watches the boats out on the water, the other one decides to take a nap.

After a while, the first one notices the waves come closer and closer to their towels. He says to his friend :

\- Hey... the tide's rising, we should move furt...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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A man goes to heaven and peter stops him

He says: your time hasn’t come yet, you still have 10 years to live. How would you like to finish those 10 years? Well, the man, who is a farmer, says: I’m a farmer, and I have always wanted to know what it is like for the animals I keep to be at my farm. Than, peter says, you shall return as a chic...

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

Three organized weaklings defeat an army of barbarians.

When asked how they did it, they responded:

"You know what they say, knowledge is power."

The people still didn't understand, so the trio explained it further:

"Well, you see, we were in formation"

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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The Funeral Procession

A man leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second horse was a solitary man walk...

Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

Two boys in the Woods

Jim and Jerry were playing in the woods with a red ball they had brought with them. The game they were playing was simple, just tossing the ball back and forth to each other. They did this for a few minutes before Jerry had an idea to make the game more fun. This is too easy”! Jerry shouted and went...

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

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NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?

Mom: That's it's trunk.

Boy: No, further back.

Mom: That's its tail.

Boy: No, in between.

Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.

The boy i...

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

A man is on a taxi to the airport.

"Please hurry i need to get to there as soon as i can." he said to the driver.

"Easy, sir. Why are you so hurry?" reply the driver.

"Im gonna late for the flight, now drive faster please." the man said.

"What flight are you on then?" the driver keep asking.

"The flight 6...

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I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

Sisters of Mercy

A guy is driving down the highway late at night, when he sees a sign that said, "Sisters of mercy: House of prostitution" 3 miles. Thinking he must be tired and seeing things, he gives it no more thought.

Further down the road he sees another sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy: House of Prost...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, the...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

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So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

A man meets a nice woman online...

They quickly hit it off, so he asks her out to dinner.

They date is going well, so the man invites the woman back to his place for a night cap.

Things are escalating quickly, so the man stops and looks the woman in the eyes.

"Listen, I need to be up front with you. Before we go...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to...

Our new Space Force is exploring mars

The new Space Force has finally arrived at mars, and an exploration ship has been investigating the snow and ice covered North Pole area.

A field biologist excitedly rushes in to his general, and exclaims, “Sir, incredible news! We have discovered a strange, silicon-based form of life in the...

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A drill sergeant walks into a bar...

And orders a beer and a shot. The bartender obliges, ant tells him it’ll be $10. The drill sergeant slams both drinks. He turns to the bartender and says, “I tell you what, I will show you a trick so good, you’ll give me both those drinks for free.”
The bartender says, “This better be a good...

3 woman are stuck on a desert island, 50km for the mainland

The first one a Brunette decides to swim for it, she gets 5 kilometers before getting tiered and drowning. The second woman a redhead decides to swim as well, she gets 15 kilometers before getting tired and drowning. The last woman a blond also decides to swim, she decides to be smart and not go out...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

Once upon a time there lived a regular old cheerio.

One day he went outside for a walk and noticed the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio he had ever seen leaving her house. In love, the cheerio went to her and said

“Excuse me, you’re the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio I’ve ever seen, will you go on a date with me?”

The honey-nut cheer...

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Two Polachs Go Ice Fishing [long]

As their using their auger to cut a hole to drop their lines they hear a voice from above.

“There’s no fish down there.”

After hearing that they decide to move about ten yards further down, and proceed to cutting a hole in the ice. Once again they hear the same voice call out.
...

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A young native American boy visits his father, the chief of the village

After a few minutes of casual discussion, the wise chief could tell the boy was upset, so he finally asks "My son, what troubles you?"

Reluctantly, the boy answers "I... seek your knowledge, father."

Smiling proudly at his son's quest for improvement, he eagerly agrees, "Of course, my...

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An old man gets a call from the IRS

The IRS agent questions the old man about large sums of money going in and out of his bank account, so they end up setting an appointment the next day to discuss in further detail. The old man agrees, and then hires a lawyer just to make sure everything going smooth at the appointment.

So th...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

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A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.

He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.

A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room,...

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An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come i...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

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A blonde visits a doctor... (NSFW)

A blonde visits a doctor and upon being inquired by the doctor of her predicament, says, "I seem to have a pain inside my ass. It feels a bit sore and I can't seem to get rid of it."

Taking note of her problem, the doctor requests the blonde to discard her shorts and bend over the bed by the ...

The two lines

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the entrance to the pearly gates he looks ahead and sees two lines. One says "MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY WOMEN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES" and another one for those who haven't.

The dominated line has men a mile long, queuing and waiting, seeming to stretch on f...

A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But t...

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