UPJOKE
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Why is eating pussy and dealing with the Mafia similar?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

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Did you knew that astronomy and proctology are similar?

\-Yeah? How?



\-Well, i used a telescope and saw Uranus

What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire?

They're both neck-romancers.

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

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what is the one similarity between a dick and a bottled drink

U shake them well for best taste

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How are boobs and toys similar?

Both are originally made for kids but dads usually end up playing with them.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

How are Santa Claus and Bill Cosby similar?

They only come when you’re asleep

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

What is the only similarity between serial killers and gamer

**They collect skins**

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When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

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What’s the similarity between having sex and bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you’re doomed.

What's the similarity between hamsters and cigarettes?

They're both harmless... till you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.

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My wife asked me if I had heard that female dolphins have clitorises that are very similar to humans.

I asked her why she was telling me this.

She replied, "Do you think God did that on porpoise?"

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What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

What is the similarity between Julius Caesar and Tifa Lockhart?

Both of them were witnessed getting impaled in the Italian senate...

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What is the similarity?

What is the similarity Between a 9-volt battery And a women's asshole?

You know it's wrong But sooner or later You're bound to stick Your tongue in it

I just finished an amazing book highlighting the similarities of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln...

it was mind blowing!

An elderly preacher and his wife of a similar age are ecstatic when she becomes pregnant...

They'd tried for years when they were younger, but after it never happened they'd given up on the idea, deciding it just wasn't in God's plan for them. They told their friends and family the good news.

One of them told the local paper about the miracle child, and since it had been a slow news...

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What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?

In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

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How are assholes and 9volt batteries similar?

Even though you know not to, you still put your tongue on them anyways.

[NSFW] How are US Politicians and Minecraft Youtubers similar?

They both like children

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

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What’s the similarity between tofu and a dildo?

Both are meat substitutes

what is the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

Both are allowed to smell but neither of them is allowed to eat.

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

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How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

What’s the similarity between a unicorn and a good politician?

Neither exist

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

What’s the similarity between a female and a vacuum

They only suck when they are turned on

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

What's the similarity between a pack of chewing gum and a gun?

When you pull it out in class, everyone wants to be friends

How are my dog and my wife similar?

They're both only interested in coming near me when there's meat on display

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

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What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

Does anyone know where I could find people with similar interests to regularly hang out with?

Asking for a friend.

Similarity between a beer and a penalty?

The English can easily swallow 3 of them in a few minutes.

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What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex.

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How are Bud Light and having sex on a boat similar?

They're both fucking close to water.

Why are circuses and orgies similar?

They have the same payoff - come one come all

How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman?

When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!


p.s

Don’t know where the how came from... sorry for it!
Also, it’s my cake day!!!!

What's the similarity between my brain and my computer hard drive?

Both are actively deleting memory and I have no idea why.

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What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

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People say the testicles and the ovaries are very similar

But there is a vas deferens between them.

The U.S. President gets a call from the Treasury Department.

-Mr. President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second o...

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

My jokes are similar to my genital.

Ladies laugh at it.

An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel. It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire.

“This hotel is similar in design to many i studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease” he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and es...

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What's the similarity between orgasm and pulse?

It doesn't matter if she had it

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

How am I similar to the Earth ?

We both rotate around our own ex(s)

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Need Better Rubber

Why is fun with a prostitute similar to bungee jumping? Once the rubber breaks, you’re as good as dead.

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The similarity between banks and sex ...

Either way you are getting fucked and early withdrawal is always penalized.

What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

Why is gum similar to guns?

If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.

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What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking "oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me"

What's the similarity between a river with too much agricultural runoff and really liking someone from the Far East?

One is eutrophication, the other is "You terrific Asian"

What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails?

The probability of getting a head is zero.

What is similar between Princess Diana and Pink Floyd?

Their both last greatest hit was the wall..

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

Why is crossing the road similar to music?

If you don't C# you'll B*b*

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Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

God…

A Catholic priest ,an Iman and a Rabbi explains to each other their gifts to god. The catholic priest says we draw a circle on the ground and throw all the donations in the air and everything that lands in the circle we give to God. The Iman says we do a very similar where we draw a circle and every...

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

A decapitated head fell on me today. It looks really similar to mine. I immediately started screaming.

I may have gotten a head of myself.

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Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

Jellyfish and politicians are pretty similar.

They don't have hearts or brains only stomachs.

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Pornstars and r/jokes are very similar

Everything on here has been used a lot

What’s the similarity between the police and a bikini?

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

What's the similarity between my jokes and yo mama?

They never get hot

Best Little Convent in Texas (email forward from 2007)

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign. It reads:


     SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


     HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION


                   10 MILES


     He thinks it was just a figment of his...

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How is the Virgin Mary similar to a Virgin Bloody Mary?

They both have zero proof!

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Did you know that mushrooms are really similar to frog poop?

They're toadstools.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?

They're both massive bell-ends.

A year ago,I tried to network around and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together.

For some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.

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How are my political preferences and my dick similar?

They both lean a little to the left.

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For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

How are women and the sun similar

Sunglasses allow you to stare at them for longer

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

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What’s the similarity between you during sex & Messi during a penalty?

Both of you miss the goal.

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

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What is similar about coronavirus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get either

What's the first similarity between you and your dad?

You've both been inside your mom

Analysis of the tanks is as follows:

American tanks are more effective, however can be spotted easily due to the usage of Fortunate Son whenever a hatch opens.

However, Russian tanks are silent. This is not intentional, as they ran out of fuel.

French tanks have a speed faster in reverse than in forwards.

Similarly...

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

How is a bankruptcy clearance sale similar to Aquaman going to an undersea cinema with his girlfriend?

They're both liquidating.

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.

Why is duct tape similar to The Force?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it binds the galaxy together

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

What's the similarity between America and Melania Trump?

They're both getting screwed by Donald Trump and neither one of them is happy about it.

I came up with this last night, but it might be a repost.

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A woman was in the middle of the affair, when her husband came home early

The lover was immediately sent to the closet. Little did the lover know, the child of the wife was there the entire time.

- It is really dark in here. - said the child.

- Yes, indeed. - answered the lover quitely after realising the situation.

- Do you like baseball? - asked th...

People and bottles are very similar

If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk

What's the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

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Do you know the similarities between a stripper and a rock?

You skip the flat ones

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What's the similarity between an alcohol-free beer and your sisters pussy?

When you taste it, it tastes ok. But there's something wrong with it

How many steps? - Add questions if you have something similar.

* How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
* Three: open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
* How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
* Four: open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
* All the an...

Whats the similarity between budweiser and Belgium?

Germans refuse to believe they are even there

What do Iranians and Americans have in similar?

They both hate the US government

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Whats the similarities with Donald Trump's Hair and a thong?

They both barely cover the arsehole.

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