The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

If we are not meant to have midnight snacks......

Why does the fridge have a light ?

A worker sent a message that included the phrase "a alytics" which was followed by an apology - "sorry, I meant analytics but the n is close to the spacebar."

The first reply was "thank god the y key isn't the one next to the spacebar"

I demanded that my German friend told me what "nein" meant.

He kept on telling me no.

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

My wife called me an eyesore, when she really meant "sight for sore eyes"

And I'm going to keep telling this to myself so I can maintain the strength it requires to make it through this life.

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So a black man was shot by a police offer who meant to draw their taser and not their gun

It's not even shocking anymore...

Money has never meant a damn thing to me...

...that’s my two cents.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

A few days ago, I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Since then, I have started seeing it everywhere.

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

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How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

This joke is not meant to offend anyone.

For all his talk of being humble Jesus sure had a god complex.

Ewoks aren’t meant outside

They are Endor pets

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month. Husband: ok. If you fail, I will h...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

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Sex after a blow up is meant to be the best...

... but I'm always out of breath.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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My buddy’s wife is pregnant with their third daughter.

When I congratulated him, he said “when I wished I was surrounded by pussy, this is not what I meant…”

Sidney Powell was meant to release the Kraken

...I think she smoked it by accident

So, the other day my landlord asked me out on a date.

I mean, they called it "an eviction" but I knew what they meant.

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

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Whilst watching The Incredible Dr. Pol, my wife got upset with the answer I gave my daughter, when she asked me what "Applying monofilament sutures to female canine's lacerations" meant.

Apparently, "Bitches gonna get stiches" isn't an appropriate thing to say to a 7-year old...

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

A woman saw a man smiling blissfully in the park

She approached him and asked “why are you so happy?” to which he replied “I got today off.”

“Oh, you got the day off from work?” the woman inquired.

The man looked confused before realizing his mistake and saying “no wait, that’s not what I meant! What I meant was: I got off today!”

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

The economy is so bad

The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you call & ask if they meant you or them.....

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

A boy asked his dad, “What’s a condom meant for?” The father replied...

“Condiments are used to add flavor to certain foods, most commonly hot dogs and burgers.”

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

My Mother-in-law asked me to take a picture that doesn't make her look fat...

Apperantly taking a picture without her in it wasn't what she meant.

One day Kevin was taking a stroll through the beach and found a magic lamp

Kevin immediately rubbed the magic lamp and a genie appeared

Genie : "You have freed me from 1000 years of slavery and I shall be granting you a wish. So be very careful when you wish."

Kevin : "Oh um, I wanna be Rich"

Genie : "Alright then, your wish is granted"

Rich : "...

Last week, I called someone a watering hole

But I meant well

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

I didn't understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down...

Then the Penne dropped

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

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My girlfriend just punched me in the balls

Not what I meant when I said “time to hit the sack.”

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I was in the kitchen banging pots and pans.

My mom walked in and said “When you came out as pansexual this isn’t what I thought you meant…”

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A boy asked his father what I meant to be gay

His father replied that it meant to be happy. The son thought about the meaning for a brief moment and then asked his father "Are You Gay?" His father responded, "No son, I married your mother."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back is was meant to be.

That was definitely not a balloon.

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When I was in 4th grade, one of the boys in my class called me "a homo" in front of the class and I thought it meant "homeless".

And I was confused, so I said, "But Jeremy, you've been to my house!"

Paper or plastic

The cashier said, "Strip down facing me". By the time I found out that she meant my card, it was too late.

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

...

Secret Service

A new recruit is assigned to the president's protection team. Trump and his family are crossing the white house lawn to board the helicopter when a deranged man jumps out from behind a tree with an automatic weapon. He is drawing down on the family and the new recruit rushes up and shouts at him "Mi...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

I asked what LGBT meant,

But I failed to get a straight answer.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Back in the day, Instagram just meant

**a really efficient drug dealer.**

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

Laughter is meant to be shared, so if you can make just 1 person laugh

you're not very funny

As I walked to the bathroom, I let my wife know that I had to "judge her". She asked me what I meant. I looked her in the eyes and said...

Urinate.

I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”

Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.

The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, b...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

Alot of people are like moths

Attracted to light but stuck in the dark.

Originally, I meant this seriously and posted it in r/showerthoughts, but once it was autobotted I realized it was a pun too

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

What happens when three French cats get into a boat that was only meant for two?

Un deux trois quatre cinq!

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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A Russian Jew decides to emigrate to Israel

At Moscow airport the customs officials stop him when they find a statue of Lenin in his luggage and ask what it is.

He replies, "I think you meant "Who is this?" This my friend, is Comrade Lenin, who laid the foundations of socialism and allowed Russia to prosper. I take a statue of him wit...

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Circumcised

A man walks into a urologist office and says
"I want to be castrated"!
Dr Says "you can't be serious"!
Man says "I insist on being castrated." and drop 10 grand on the table

Next month this guy is talking to his friend who says
"I hear getting circumcised makes sex better.."
...

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

You matter.

Sorry, meant to say you *are* matter. An exceedingly insignificant bit of it.

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

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They say that bed is meant for just two things, sleep and sex.

Well I've been awake in bed for four hours, when does the sex happen?

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

I was meant to go to the gym today.

Guess it didn’t work out

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Raising a boy ...

Raising a boy is certainly better than raising a girl, as then you only have one dick to worry about and not three billion.

**Disclaimer:** This is a joke, and is not meant to be taken literally. Go be offended elsewhere if you feel personally attacked.

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