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"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

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I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?

It's tide.

I joined a gym 6 months ago, but I still haven't seen any results

I think I'm going to have to go there in person and talk to the manager.

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

Dad about son's exam results...

Dad: What happened to your result?

Son: There's one good news and one bad news.

Dad: Tell me the good one.

Son: I passed.

Dad: Great! And what's the bad news?

Son: The good news is wrong.

When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are.

I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!

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Doctors mixed up my wife’s test results.

Had to take the wife to the doctors the other day. A couple of days later, the doctor calls with some bad news. He said “Sir, I really apologize for the inconvenience, but we mixed up your wife’s blood tests with another patients, she’s either got dementia or AIDS. “ I said “great, how the hell am I...

If you see results after exercising and lifting weights does that mean it’s...

...working out?

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

The blood test results said I have type A blood

But apparently it was a type O

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

I got a letter with my medical results today

The bad news is that i’m dyslexic, but the good news is that they found a big humor inside me.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back

I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out.

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

What do you call a buck, doe, or fawn that, through no fault if its own and most likely the result of a congenital birth defect, has no organs with which to see?

No eye deer.

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I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

A man sits in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of his test.

The the doctor returns and says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like you have diabetes.”
The man responds, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay... you’re ugly, too.”

Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

Today's football results:

Real Madrid: 1
Imaginary Madrid: √-1

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Took one of those DNA-ancestory kits, and after my results, they're kicking me out of the Ku Klux Klan...

I found out my parents aren't even related

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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The results from hell's annual evil dictators golf tournament:

Kim Jong Il took the win with no less than 7 aces, Stalin came a surprising second despite having borrowed Franz Ferdinand's driver, and chairman Mao's strategy of shooting for birdies proved quite disasterous, just barely scraping past Hitler who, as usual, spent most of the day in the bunker.

Took an online IQ test and they said it'll cost $20 to get my results.

Geez, I'm not that dumb.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

There was a man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A man calls his wife's doctor desperately seeking an update on her tests. "Doc, this is Mr. Alberston. Did you get the test results back on my wife?"

The doctor replies "Yes, we did. But we're a little unclear... she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's".

Mr. Alberston asks frantically "W..What do I do?"

Take her out for a drive. Drop her a few miles from the house. If she comes home, don't fuck her"

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

[Doctor analysing my x-ray results] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of...

Me: what?

Doctor: Skeletons.

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

Test results

Doctor: I'm afraid to say your test results look bad.

Patient: How bad?

Doctor: It depends. How old are you?

Patient: I'll be 24 in a couple of weeks.

Doctor: No you won't.

A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

This is my 57th time posting this joke.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

I asked 25 Pac-people what their favorite pan is and the results were overwhelming...

1) A wok

2) A wok

3) A wok

4) A wok

5) A wok

6) A wok

7) A wok

8) A wok

9) A wok

10) A wok

11) A wok

12) A wok

13) A wok

14) A wok

15) A wok

16) A wok

17) A wok

18) A wok

19)...

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Are my testicles black?

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth "Nurse" he mumbles "Are my testicles black ?" She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She strokes them very slowly . Then she takes a closer look and says "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls ...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

cat race

There was a cat race

The cats were

1. one two three, an American cat
2. uno dos tres, A Spanish cat
3. une deux trois, A French cat

The three cats were in a water race, whoever gets to the end of the lake first, wins. the results came in and...

The American cat c...

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

I searched dirty jokes in google to repost on r/jokes

My face popped up as the first result.

A man returns home to find his wife smiling mischievously.

Wife: "Honey, can you take something out of the oven for me please?"

The husband opens the oven and finds a baking tray with a piece of paper on it. The paper reads:

"What did the woman say when she got her pregnancy results?
You've got to be kid-in me!"

The husband looks ...

A blonde decided to paint a room.

When her husband got home, he asked,

'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,

'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

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Test Results

John answers the phone one day and it's his wife's doctor on the phone.

"Sir. We have your wife's test results back but I am embarrassed to say we have mixed them up with the results of another patient. We have determined that your wife has either AIDS, or Alzheimer's Disease but are not sur...

What was the pirate’s GCSE results

7 c’s

As a result of deforestation, many species lost their natural habitat

Including Folk music bands.

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During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

A man goes into the doctors to find out about test results.

The doctor says “I have bad news and really bad news what do you want to hear first?”

The man says “the bad news”.

The doctor replies “I’m afraid you have cancer.

“Oh! then what’s the really bad news?” Asks the man.

“You have dementia” says the doctor.

The man r...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

Exam results

My daughter, the proud school football cheerleader, came down the stairs this morning, I said,

"Give me an E.."

She said, "E"

"Give me and F.."

"F"

"Give me another E.."

"E"

"Give me a U"

"U"

"And another E..."
...

I went to the fertility doctor to get the results from my sperm sample.

Doctor - I have good news and bad news.

Me - Give me the bad news.

Doctor - Your sample was tampered with.

Me - And the good news?

Doctor - It was DELICIOUS!

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result...

... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

I asked my doctor: "Doc, did the lab results come back yet? The curiosity is killing me."

Doc: "Well, it's not the curiosity ..."

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

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Golden showers result in one thing

Getting pissed

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

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A doctor has got his patient's results

Ok, so... I have got bad and good news. The bad news is that I'll have to cut your legs off. But don't worry, the good news is that now your penis will reach the floor.

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

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Your results are back, Joe.

What is it, doctor?

You have to stop masturbating, Joe

But...but why, doctor?

Because we are having a conversation.

Doctor: “Your DNA results came in backwards”

Me: “AND??”

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

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What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

Next time your wife is angry....

Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"

Disclaimer: results may vary

A man goes to the doctor to have a series of test run. He comes back in a week to get the results. The doctor says I have bad news, you have cancer. The man downs his head as the doctor says unfortunately I have more bad news.

You also have Alzheimer’s Disease. The man looks up and says to the doctor, “Well, at least it’s not Cancer.....

Why did the scientist's results show that the Earth was flat?

Rounding error.

Did you know the result if 18 < b-4

is lost weight?

Are you a compulsive spender?

Buy this $1 Quiz today to find out!

Quiz results: 100% of people who bought this quiz were identified as compulsive spenders.

Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"...

Time for a maths joke. What's the result of 45 into 12?

25 to life.

A patient visits his doctor to receive his test results.

The doctor tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?"

"You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible.... How can the news possibly be worse?"

"Your phone was off yesterday"

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Doctor are my results ready?

"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"

Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"

What was the result of the Energizer bunny being taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery

Did you see the bobsled results?

A young Canadian boy is excitedly watching the last run of the team bobsled runs. Germany is in the lead and the Canadian team is right on their tail.

The final Canadian bobsledder shreds down the course, closely matching the German times. As he approaches the finish line, the times get clos...

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A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get her test results.

A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get test results after her health started to decline.

Husband: “So doctor, what are the results?”

Doctor: “well, I got some paperwork mixed up. She’s either positive for AIDS, or she’s positive for Alzheimer’s”

The man is now very worrie...

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What an outstanding result in potty training!

An envy pee.

(like an MVP, get it..OK I go away now)

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