I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

This is my 57th time posting this joke.

You ever let out a huge sigh of relieve when getting test results back?

Only a phew will understand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the doctor for my wife’s test results

Me: Hello doctor, I was calling to see if you have my wife’s test results?

Doctor: Yes I do, however, the test results came a bit unclear — your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s

Me: Wow, so what should I do?

Doctor: Take her out for a drive and drop her off a few miles from h...

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

What was the pirate’s GCSE results

7 c’s

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

A man goes into the doctors to find out about test results.

The doctor says “I have bad news and really bad news what do you want to hear first?”

The man says “the bad news”.

The doctor replies “I’m afraid you have cancer.

“Oh! then what’s the really bad news?” Asks the man.

“You have dementia” says the doctor.

The man r...

Roy Moore Election results are coming in.

He is only in the teens.

I went to the fertility doctor to get the results from my sperm sample.

Doctor - I have good news and bad news.

Me - Give me the bad news.

Doctor - Your sample was tampered with.

Me - And the good news?

Doctor - It was DELICIOUS!

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Test Results

John answers the phone one day and it's his wife's doctor on the phone.

"Sir. We have your wife's test results back but I am embarrassed to say we have mixed them up with the results of another patient. We have determined that your wife has either AIDS, or Alzheimer's Disease but are not sur...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golden showers result in one thing

Getting pissed

Are you a compulsive spender?

Buy this $1 Quiz today to find out!

Quiz results: 100% of people who bought this quiz were identified as compulsive spenders.

- You will have to be strong, sir. The results indicate that you have a very strong case of Roberts’s disease.

- oh, my. is it bad?
- we still don’t know, mr. Roberts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several years ago, Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's dong is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's dong is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

One day a boy named Johnny was eager to see his test results, he was delighted when he saw his score, he lept up and shouted

Oh hi mark

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result...

... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

I asked my doctor: "Doc, did the lab results come back yet? The curiosity is killing me."

Doc: "Well, it's not the curiosity ..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor has got his patient's results

Ok, so... I have got bad and good news. The bad news is that I'll have to cut your legs off. But don't worry, the good news is that now your penis will reach the floor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman visits the doctor to pick up her results

Doc: The tests are back and you’re obese

Patient: I know, it runs in the family

Doc: No one runs in your family, you fat cunt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Your results are back, Joe.

What is it, doctor?

You have to stop masturbating, Joe

But...but why, doctor?

Because we are having a conversation.

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

Doctor: “Your DNA results came in backwards”

Me: “AND??”

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

Did you know the result if 18 < b-4

is lost weight?

Next time your wife is angry....

Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"

Disclaimer: results may vary

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

Why did the scientist's results show that the Earth was flat?

Rounding error.

A man goes to the doctor to have a series of test run. He comes back in a week to get the results. The doctor says I have bad news, you have cancer. The man downs his head as the doctor says unfortunately I have more bad news.

You also have Alzheimer’s Disease. The man looks up and says to the doctor, “Well, at least it’s not Cancer.....

Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"...

A patient visits his doctor to receive his test results.

The doctor tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?"

"You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible.... How can the news possibly be worse?"

"Your phone was off yesterday"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get her test results.

A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get test results after her health started to decline.

Husband: “So doctor, what are the results?”

Doctor: “well, I got some paperwork mixed up. She’s either positive for AIDS, or she’s positive for Alzheimer’s”

The man is now very worrie...

Did you see the bobsled results?

A young Canadian boy is excitedly watching the last run of the team bobsled runs. Germany is in the lead and the Canadian team is right on their tail.

The final Canadian bobsledder shreds down the course, closely matching the German times. As he approaches the finish line, the times get clos...

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

The result of mutiplication is called a product

Does that mean division is counterproductive?

When you square root a negative number the result is imaginary

Just like my friends

Doctor are my results ready?

"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"

Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"

Time for a maths joke. What's the result of 45 into 12?

25 to life.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a mass shooting results in a ban of porn...

Maybe we make a mass porning and ban guns.




Look it's my only shot right now to get laid.

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

Results show that unvaccinated children are much less likely of turning out autistic.

Because they’re dead.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

In the gym I have worked for 10 weeks and i am surprised at the result

I have lost 70 days

Newly leaked documents from the Whitehouse show the results of Donald Trumps IQ test.

It came back negative.

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

So, the baby frog finally got his Ancestry.com results in...

It turns out he is a tad Polish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: ”I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.”

Me: ”Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: ”Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.”

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

How did the Democrats feel about the results of Georgia's special election ?

The just couldn't Handel the loss. They had worked their Ossof for it.

I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..

What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?

Great news America! The results from President Trump's colonoscopy test are back!

They found his head…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results.

Anal Explorer
Anal Fiesta
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Fusion

Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results

The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

What's the end result of a soccer game between Jamaica and Ethiopia?

Half the grass is smoked and the other half is eaten.

Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results.

Orange is the new black.

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game?

Egypt: 8.

Ethopia: Didn't.

I looked up the results of a french rowing race

Turns out my favorite boat got sank.