UPJOKE
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Result Jokes

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

I recently became very angry as a result of misplacing my memory foam mattress.

I had lost my Tempur.

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

I've never loved this joke but I'm posting as a result of a previous, lesser joke (my opinion, prove me wrong)

A man sees a beautiful woman on the street realizing he must have her, he propositions;

"I'll give you $10,000 for you to make love to me" he says

Considering the financial windfall the woman accepts.

The man then asks frugally "ok how about $500?"

Insulted the woman re...

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

What do you call the result of a nuclear joke?

The afterlaugh.

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Doctor: ”I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.”

Me: ”Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: ”Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.”

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results...

The doctor says, I'm sorry but I have bad news. You have cancer.

The man says, oh no, that's terrible!

The doctor says, I'm very sorry, but I have even more bad news. You've also got Alzheimer's.

The man says, oh my God, that's awful! But hey, at least I don't have cancer!

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

The doctor gives test results back to a man

“I’m afraid you have Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and Onomatopoeia,” said the Doctor

The man asks, “What’s Onomatopoeia?”

The Doctor replies, “It’s exactly what it sounds like”

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

My proctologist was very happy with my prostate check results.

Two thumbs up.

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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test

Straight eh’s

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Why doesn't sex with vampires result in pregnancy?

Because vampires can't come inside without permission.

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There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Son: "Dad, did you get your DNA test results back?"

Dad: "Call me George."

A man goes to a doctor for a test result

The doctor comes back with the coronavirus test results and asks the patient whether they want to hear the good or bad news first.

The patient says: "First the bad, please."
The doctor says, "You have the coronavirus." "And what's the good news?" asks the patient.

Doctor: "I go...

DNA results have finally came back

Turns out I’m the murderer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits in his doctor’s office waiting for some test results…

The doctor enters;

“So doc, what’s the prognosis?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

“Oh no, why?”

“Because I’m trying to speak to you about your results”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

A man goes to discuss his test results with his doctor.

The doctor enters and tells the man, "I have good news and bad news."

The man asks to hear the good news first.

"You're going to have a disease named after you."

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results...

Husband: Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results...

Doctor: 1st floor Nursery. Please do not call your child that.

Two Urologists were discussing the results of a scan...

"These images look very similar, but if you you look closely you can see there's a vas deferens."

What food results in the most expensive weddings?

Can't-elope

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

Do you know why 10+10 and 11+11 give the same result?

Because 10+10 is twenty, and 11+11 is twenty too.

A man has been seeing the same doctor for yeats for the same symptoms with no results.

Finally one day the doctor says, "Okay, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the longest, hottest bath you can stand, then I want you to open all the doors and windows in the house."

The man says "But doctor, I'll get pneumonia, won't I?"

And the doctor says "Yes, but I kno...

The colorblind test results came in,

turns out I'm indeed color blind, that totally came out of the purple.

Why are voting results inaccurate in Afghanistan?

It's because of the tally ban.

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

Doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result?

Yeah, that's the definition of peer reviewed science.

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

These COVID test results are ridiculously priced

I keep paying through the nose for them

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Hitler's diet was the result of an inferiority complex

He was never going to be a true Aryan, but he could at least be vegetaryan.

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

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What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

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As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

Keith Richards went to the hospital for a checkup today and the results were shocking.

They found blood in his drugstream.

A cannibal was in the examination room, waiting for the results of his x-ray.

When the images were ready, a doctor entered the room and flipped the switch on the light box. He took one look and said, "I think you swallowed a foreign object."

The cannibal did not like the sounds of that. In fact, he was insulted. He stood up and started walking toward the door. When he ...

My daughter asked if I could braid her hair and the result was

a parentally knot.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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Golden showers result in one thing

Getting pissed

Survey results show 64 percent of women have used vibrators.

The rest have new ones.

The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"I have good news and bad news," the doctor says.

"Give me the bad news first and be done with it."

So the doctor tells him that whatever they have found is terminal and incurable. To go say his goodbyes and write up a will.

"That is pretty terrible news," says the man, "what's...

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

What did the lazy algorithm say to the next iteration upon receiving an interim result?

Calc you later!

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it’s terminal.

Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: Five.

Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?

Doctor: Four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

Patient: "Doctor, have you got my test results?"

Doctor: "Yes, I have. Unfortunately, I you haven't got much time left."

Patient: "How long have I got left?"

Doctor: "10..."

Patient: "10 what? Months? Weeks?"

Doctor: "9,8,7,6,5....".

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

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A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
Sex@COVID online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

I got my colonoscopy results

The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

The full time football result is in: Real Madrid - 4...

Surreal Madrid - fish

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

What an outstanding result in potty training!

An envy pee.

(like an MVP, get it..OK I go away now)

Doctor are my results ready?

"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"

Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"

Test results

Doctor: I'm afraid to say your test results look bad.

Patient: How bad?

Doctor: It depends. How old are you?

Patient: I'll be 24 in a couple of weeks.

Doctor: No you won't.

Here are the results of Sci-Fi Football.

R2D: 2 and C3P: Nill

A man is at the eye doctor to get a check up, his Doctor says “your results aren’t good”

The Man ask if he can I see them, the doctor says “probably not”

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

Did you know the result if 18 < b-4

is lost weight?

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

Today's football results:

Real Madrid: 1
Imaginary Madrid: √-1

Latest results from the Star Wars Cup.

OB - 1, R2D - 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

Football game between Jamaica and Ethiopia. Final result?

Half the grass eaten, half the grass smoked.

Dad about son's exam results...

Dad: What happened to your result?

Son: There's one good news and one bad news.

Dad: Tell me the good one.

Son: I passed.

Dad: Great! And what's the bad news?

Son: The good news is wrong.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

Rick Astley's releasing a new song lamenting the 'Brexit' result...

It's titled:

Never Gonna Give EU Up

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."

The doctor shakes his head slowly.

"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"

"Nine," says the doctor.

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

Yeah It is Result of Marriage

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

CEO: Is our advertising getting results?

Ad manager: It sure is. Last week, we put an ad up for new security personnel, and last night we got robbed.

Timmy comes home with a bad maths test result

Dad: "If your next test result is bad, I won't think you as my son."


A few days later


Dad: "How was your history test?"

Timmy: "Who the hell are you?"

What was the result of the Energizer bunny being taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

When you square root a negative number the result is imaginary

Just like my friends

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I’m afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I h...

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

I got a letter with my medical results today

The bad news is that i’m dyslexic, but the good news is that they found a big humor inside me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a huge penis walks into the docs office...

A man with a huge penis walks into the doctors office and says D-d-d-d-oc y-y-y-ou n-n-need to h-h-h-help m-m-m-me!

The very puzzled doctor looked at this man and wondered what was going on. He did a few tests and found that he isn't getting enough blood flow to his head as its being directed...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

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