Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

Got my IQ test results back today

I tested negative!

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A schoolyard bully is picking on a nerd and says, "Hey, loser, see that guy over there? He told me your mother fucked a donkey, and you're the result!"

The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

Oddly both my iq test and my Corona test came back with the same result

Negetive

The results of the election are in!

Oops, sorry, that info is only for us Russians.

You know what they call it when you get a positive covid result?

M-m-m-my Sure-Rona!

Due to the results of this election I'm jetting this country and most of my friends and family will never see me again

Sincerely,

Donald Trump

Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A

it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she wen...

How are the election results legitimate?!

Because they are oBiden by the rules

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

Why is it taking so long to hear the results from Pennsylvania?

Because the Amish deliver everything by horse

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."

The doctor shakes his head slowly.

"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"

"Nine," says the doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

I got my covid test results today

Are you positive?



Yeah I'm positive I got my test results today why's everyone asking me that?

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

An Asian student's mom was reading the test result

"Why do you only get a B- ?! You bring shame to our family"

"But mom, it is a blood test"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

The optometrist said to his patient, "Your results are in."

The patient asked, "Can I see them?"

*"Probably not."*

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

I got my ancestry results back and I'm part Welsh and Hungarian.

I am well hung

Latest results from the Star Wars Cup.

OB - 1, R2D - 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

Doctor: I have your test results

"did I pass?"

Doctor: in a few weeks you will.

"The path most taken, does not always get the right results," said my father.

"Give me an example," I insisted.

"Your existence," he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

Studies reveal that some doctors purposely mistreat people they find annoying with many cases resulting in death.

It's another classic case of doctors losing their patients.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

What is the worst thing to say to a worrying friend who is waiting for Covid test results?

Be positive!

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a doctor to get her sick husbands results.

But the doctor tells her "We're sorry, but the usual tests were inconclusive. We're not sure what is wrong with your husband so we'll need to test everything we haven't tested yet. We'll need his urine sample, blood sample, semen sample and fecal sample."

Woman nods and goes home to her sick ...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy...

Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11” he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” “Today an...

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

A man goes to a doctor for a test result

The doctor comes back with the coronavirus test results and asks the patient whether they want to hear the good or bad news first.

The patient says: "First the bad, please."
The doctor says, "You have the coronavirus." "And what's the good news?" asks the patient.

Doctor: "I go...

What's is called when someone does the same thing over again, expecting different results?

I can't remember, but vote for [major party candidate]!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you applied to move to Israel?” asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

The King of Spain has sequestered himself on his private jet until his Covid-19 results come back

The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I’m afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see the doctor...

After a while the doctor comes into the exam room and says “Sir, we’ve got your test results back. You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“But why, doc?” The guy asks.

The doctor replies, “Because it’s making me really uncomfortable.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not exactly for everyone

Elderly couple go to a sex therapist. The guy says, “We have a problem. We don’t think we can do it right. Can you advise?”

The therapist says she will watch them make love on his couch and advise them. When they have finished she says, “You both did very well; there was no problem, really...

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

His visit to the eye doctor.

A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doct...

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

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Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

What's the difference between Quantum Physics and Politics?

In politics, the results won't change no matter how you measure them.

DNA results have finally came back

Turns out I am the murderer

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I'm a lawyer heading to Iowa, hoping to find cases resulting from caucus irregularities. My first stop?

Sioux City.

Where is the best place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search results

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

There was a train driver in Bulgaria.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Prince Charles results positive for Covid-19

He has finally be coronated after all these years

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary had a little bike

She rode it on the grass

And every time the wheel went round

The spokes went up her ass.

\---

Mary turned her bike around

And rode it back to front

(With results that should have been easily foreseeable)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

Did you hear scientists were able to grow vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

I paid good money and joined a gym 6 months ago, and so far no results.

Tomorrow I am going down there personally to see what the hell is going on......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

The DNA Test

After 3 years, a wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's wrong?"

Wife: "A...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

How do you get 46 out of 25?

Coronavirus.


To explain: The 25th amendment will result in the 46th president if the 45th president succumbs to coronavirus.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Ole applied for the same job as Murphy and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give Ole, the Norwegian the job."

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ir...

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?

**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Im failing all my classes the only tests I can pass are my STD ones

I got all positive results

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