I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in g...

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Alchohol may not solve your problems

but neither will water.

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, ...

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a horrible thing to hear in prison.

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

You may have heard of Netflix and Chill,

But have you heard of ABC and get the D?

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me.

When I got home early from work, something just didn’t seem right. I even asked the guy in bed with her if he had noticed anything suspicious.

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

...but backwards, it’s even more stupid…

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?

Theresa May....

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Doctor said I may die because I’ve consumed clay

If I’m going to be honest, I’m shitting bricks

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

Tereasa May, the kind of negotiator......

To walk into DFS and walk out with a full price sofa.

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

May I have your attention for a moment please? I have news to spread.

n e w s

Flight Attendant: “May I offer you some headphones?”

Me: “Sure, but how did you know my name was phones?”

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

Hitler may have been bad

But he did kill Hitler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus may have fed thousands of people with a some fish and a few loaves of bread, but Hitler...

That guy made five million Jews toast.

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

Stan Lee, may be rest in peace, will forever be known as the creative genius behind Marvel.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. As his left this universe, and passed on to the next, we have no choice to to acknowledge that he is DCseased.

Man may ask God three questions

Man: "God, how much is a million years for you?"
God: "Like a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars for you?"
God: "Like a penny."
Man: "Then, could you lend me a penny?"
God: "In a minute..."

"May your thousand generations be childless!" yelled my best friend in anger.

He never did think his curses through...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.
It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."
The wish was granted.
The rabbit's turn. He goes" I...

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

England may not have a kidney bank...

But they do have a liver pool.

Albert Einstein may have been a genius

But his brother Frank was a monster.

A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat...

...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

I may be biased, but I think blind people have the best observational humor.

I guess I’m just a big fan of dark comedy.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

The doctor said that my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable.

I'd steak my reputation on that.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic...

...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

Something you all may not know about dry erase boards.

They're so remarkable!

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

“May the force be with you.”

“And also with you,” said the Catholic Jedi.

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption

Adoption Agent: wth?... sir...you must be mistaken... we...

Me: *crying* Please...help...I can't raise them on my own

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Dwarves may seem okay on the outside...

But 6 out of 7 aren't happy.

The moon may not be made of cheese

but I bet it tastes out of this world

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

The punchline to this clickbait joke may shock you...

Exposed electrical wiring.

Facebook may not make the lame walk again...

But it sure allows the dumb to speak.

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife went to see the doctor, as we thought she may have Tourette's

Turns out there's nothing wrong with her: I'm just a fucking cunt.

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks him about his eating habits, whether he exercises or not, and what he does for a living. After considering everything he has heard, he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. The man opens his wallet and shows him. The do...

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

Hiding an erection isn't as easy as you may think...

It's harder than it looks...

I may not have a good memory

But at least I make up for it by having a good memory

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a May Day parade, a very old Jew is carrying a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.

"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

"Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star."

So I netflix and aim for the girl's collar bones.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Your mom may not be a thief

But I have seen her snatch

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Dear confederate flag supporters, you may lose the battle but

You haven’t lost the wa-Oh wait....wow that’s awkward

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

You may wonder who watches the watchers, but I wonder...

...who pees on the paeons?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis may only be 3 inches...

But it smells like a foot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.