Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

You may not believe that Blackface happened in Canadian Politics...

It's Trudeau.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

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Homosexuality may not be one of the 7 deadly sins

But pride is

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

A pun in haiku? / I think I may have done it

I call it low-ku

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

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Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

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I may not always agree with masturbation...

But hey, you do you.

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

Mommy, mommy, may I play with grandpa again tomorrow?

No, dear, it's time he finally gets buried.

I may not have a license…

But I H-avacado

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The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Can February march?

No, but April may.

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

Earnest: May I be Frank with you?

Frank: Ernest why do you need my name?

Your girlfriend may be too young if…

If she's "this many".

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

My glasses may be fogged up, but don't worry I'll be fine.

I'm optimistic!

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

Two wrongs may make a right, but two Wrights don't make a wrong,

They make airplanes.

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We all know that Hitler is one of the worst people in history, but he may also be one of the best.

He killed Hitler after all.

I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu.

But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

You may be a really good person deep down inside

But I dont carry a shovel

The wife asked me how may Motown groups I could name.

I said "Two...maybe three....Four tops"

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June

Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May

Jesus knew that when you are kind to people, people are kind to you. So he said: "May I hand you a nail?" and the Roman soldier replied

"May I nail you a hand?"

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

There’s no better way to end May...

Than with a resignation

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

A joke I heard in China that may or may not be known to the outside world

Tom visits Bob’s house and notices that Bob doesn’t have a clock. Surprised, he asks Bob how he tells time. “I have a piano,” Bob explained, “you want a demonstration?”

That night, Bob started playing All Star on his piano. A neighbor knocks on his door and yells, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING...

I heard billy Mays liked to party

I bet he's partying in heaven like its $19.99.

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I just found out May is National Masturbation Month...

I thought it was last month. And the month before that. And the month before that. And the month before that...

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

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To future women I may potentially date...

Am I going to be your sugar daddy and buy you a bunch of fancy shit? No. But I will be your Sweet & Low daddy and direct your attention towards the clearance section.

HBO may have ruled out a GOT spinoff with Arya

But they haven't ruled out a sitcom that follows Tyrion and Bran as they rule the six kingdoms

"Two Half Men"

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

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Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks him about his eating habits, whether he exercises or not, and what he does for a living. After considering everything he has heard, he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. The man opens his wallet and shows him. The do...

Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year

Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go

But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"


The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for fre...

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

What did the Italia airship do when it crashed in the North Pole on May 25th, 1928?

It broke the ice. Nice to meet you :)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

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I may not have the biggest penis...

But if I lay it across my keyboard, it reaches from A-Z.

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Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me.

When I got home early from work, something just didn’t seem right. I even asked the guy in bed with her if he had noticed anything suspicious.

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in g...

Alchohol may not solve your problems

but neither will water.

The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous,

but backwards it’s even more stupid

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

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Why does May come after April?

Because that's when Parliament is *really* gonna fuck her.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Theresa May’s Brexit deal just lost for a third time in parliament.

Didn’t she ever learn that “no” means “no”?

Too soon? For me too.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

Pi day may be irrational....

But at least it is real.

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