Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson...

I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

You may be a really good person deep down inside

But I dont carry a shovel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu.

But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

The wife asked me how may Motown groups I could name.

I said "Two...maybe three....Four tops"

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June

Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

A joke I heard in China that may or may not be known to the outside world

Tom visits Bob’s house and notices that Bob doesn’t have a clock. Surprised, he asks Bob how he tells time. “I have a piano,” Bob explained, “you want a demonstration?”

That night, Bob started playing All Star on his piano. A neighbor knocks on his door and yells, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING...

We all know that Hitler is one of the worst people in history, but he may also be one of the best.

He killed Hitler after all.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

There’s no better way to end May...

Than with a resignation

I may be borderline schizophrenic...

...but at least I have each other!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To future women I may potentially date...

Am I going to be your sugar daddy and buy you a bunch of fancy shit? No. But I will be your Sweet & Low daddy and direct your attention towards the clearance section.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out May is National Masturbation Month...

I thought it was last month. And the month before that. And the month before that. And the month before that...

HBO may have ruled out a GOT spinoff with Arya

But they haven't ruled out a sitcom that follows Tyrion and Bran as they rule the six kingdoms

"Two Half Men"

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

I heard billy Mays liked to party

I bet he's partying in heaven like its $19.99.

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year

Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go

But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"


The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for fre...

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

What did the Italia airship do when it crashed in the North Pole on May 25th, 1928?

It broke the ice. Nice to meet you :)

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may not have the biggest penis...

But if I lay it across my keyboard, it reaches from A-Z.

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does May come after April?

Because that's when Parliament is *really* gonna fuck her.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in g...

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me.

When I got home early from work, something just didn’t seem right. I even asked the guy in bed with her if he had noticed anything suspicious.

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

Alchohol may not solve your problems

but neither will water.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous,

but backwards it’s even more stupid

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, ...

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a horrible thing to hear in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

Flight Attendant: “May I offer you some headphones?”

Me: “Sure, but how did you know my name was phones?”

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Doctor said I may die because I’ve consumed clay

If I’m going to be honest, I’m shitting bricks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?

Theresa May....

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks him about his eating habits, whether he exercises or not, and what he does for a living. After considering everything he has heard, he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. The man opens his wallet and shows him. The do...

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for ...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

How is Theresa May Like a Catholic Teen?

She's got no Plan B after she gets screwed.

Tereasa May, the kind of negotiator......

To walk into DFS and walk out with a full price sofa.

Soulja Boy may be facing 20 years in prison for selling a console with counterfeit games

It’ll be the first time a mumble rapper completes a sentence.

May I have your attention for a moment please? I have news to spread.

n e w s

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

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