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WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

Table manners...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to ...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

A bit concerned...

The boss wondered why an employee was absent but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. *"Hello?"*

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

*"Yes,"* whispered the small voice.

May I talk w...

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

I may not be the best boomer in the world...

But I am an OK boomer.

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After my accident, i woke up in a hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said "You may not feel anything from the waist down".

So I felt her breasts.

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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Comparing cultures

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was t...

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

I've been called Handsome

I may be ugly as hell, but at least I got some hands

This could help you out

I’m not sure who but this may interest someone out there? My friend bought a ticket for a football game and spent £600 on it. However he got it months before he found out that he was going to be getting married on that day.

He’s looking for someone to go in his place.

The bride’s pr...

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British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in p...

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But your mom is definitely overweight.

A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

Obesity may not be the biggest cause of death...

But it is the *~biggest~* cause of death,

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

My calculator may be really ugly on the outside..

..But it’s what is inside that counts.

A woman rings at neighbours door, a man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

Sometimes I crouch, put my arms around my knees and leaning forward.

Some people may not like it.

But that’s how I roll.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly...

The man who invented autocorrect just passed away.

May he restaurant in peace.

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

I applied for a job at a company that makes puzzles.

But, I am worried I may not be a good fit!

After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.

One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in...

A guy named Hugh noticed some monks in front of his house

The monks were selling flowers in a stall. Hugh didn't want them operating a business on his property, so he forced them to stop. One monk who was interviewed later by the media said, "Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it. But unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist fria...

Fair warning: This is a repost!

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”

And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”

One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Marth...

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

Kid v. Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

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Dear customers,

To whom it may concern, starting from next week you must ask for viagra by it’s chemical name.

Please ask for mycoxaflophin. Thank you.

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The monks and the sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think i could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

Tequila may not be the answer.

But it's worth a shot.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

What did darth vader say when he wanted a divorce?

May divorce be with you

A man was talking to an old woman before he left on a trip to New York.

She told him that years ago, her son had left for New York and she hadn't heard from him since. He asked her what his name was and told her that he would look for him. She told him his name was John Dunn. "Tell him to call his mother," she said.

So he gets to New York and as he's walking thro...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

Arthur was having a walk and he saw a procession.

First, he saw two coffins. After that, he saw a man holding a *rotweiller* dog, followed by a really long line, only with men.

When the procession stopped, Arthur went to that man and asked:

\- What happened? Who died?

\- Well, it was my wife! My dog killed her!

\- Seriou...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is...

...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

I fully support mandatory euthanasia for the elderly...

But I'm sure with age and maturity my views may change.

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

Whale of a joke

**Why should you never hump a whale...**

They may feel a bit blue,
some may think it's great,
others may find it killer;
But you always run the risk of finding the one that will humpback.

You can tell a girl likes you depending on where her shoes are.

If they are behind her head, she may like you.

10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

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Three men walk into a hotel

The hotel owner has 18 daughters. The first man says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The owner replies "no you may sleep with the chikens". The second man enters and says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" "No, you may sleep with the horses" The third man enters and says "may I sleep with y...

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Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

HBO may have ruled out a GOT spinoff with Arya

But they haven't ruled out a sitcom that follows Tyrion and Bran as they rule the six kingdoms

"Two Half Men"

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

A man is talking to God...

“God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

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"Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Genocide.

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous,

but backwards it’s even more stupid

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out fro...

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped its head, mama called the doctor and the doctor said, "If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to financial compensation."

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