The 73+ Best May Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died...

But Princess Diana made it to 120

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for...

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

A frantic blonde calls out a May Day

The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day. "My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Eve...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

May the Fourth be with you.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Smallpox.

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

SpongeBob may be the main character in the show…

..but Patrick is the star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

My local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars day on May 4th with an Anakin special.

It’s an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.

Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the tabl...

my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

So June came before May and April...

It was a spectacular threesome

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold

Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my therapist said I may be a perfectionist

I responded "Well that can't be right, I don't fit the criteria well enough"

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But..I know where you are coming from.

I may not be able to use by the "N" word...

But at least I can say things like "Hey Dad", and "Thanks for the warning Officer!".

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Happy May

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This w...

My ceiling may not be the best ceiling in the world.

But it's up there.

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