The 63+ Best May Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for...

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

A frantic blonde calls out a May Day

The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day. "My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Eve...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Smallpox.

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

Your browser history may be spotless,

But your predictive text will betray you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You may not be a loud masturbator...

But you still make a cum motion.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

May the Fourth be with you.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

Short chefs may not have Napoleon Complexes...

But they sure have complex Napoleons.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Sure, Bob Barker may have died at 99 years old...

...but Betty White was closer to 100 without going over, so... She wins.

"May ya live as long as ya want, and not want as long as ya live," is an Irish toast.

"Bread, eggs, cinnamon, and maple syrup," is a French toast.

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.

Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the tabl...

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may not be the sexiest man alive

But I am 2 out of those 3 things.

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

Happy May

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold

Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

SpongeBob may be the main character in the show…

..but Patrick is the star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

You may be one of thousands of people with a lonely wash basin outside your front door.

Let that sink in.

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my therapist said I may be a perfectionist

I responded "Well that can't be right, I don't fit the criteria well enough"

As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But..I know where you are coming from.

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm sorry your first name is Whom but with a last name like Concern, your parents were bound to name you that.

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.