Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catherine the Great may have died having sex with a horse...

...but at least she was in a stable relationship.

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year

Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go

But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"


The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for fre...

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

What did the Italia airship do when it crashed in the North Pole on May 25th, 1928?

It broke the ice. Nice to meet you :)

Why Did Jeremy Corbyn smile when Theresa May offered to resign?

He thought he was getting rid of something overdue-ish.

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does May come after April?

Because that's when Parliament is *really* gonna fuck her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

My doctor told me that I may die due to diabetes

At least that's a sweet way to go.

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I may not have the biggest penis...

But if I lay it across my keyboard, it reaches from A-Z.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in g...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

Alchohol may not solve your problems

but neither will water.

Medusa may not be the most beautiful woman alive..

But she still gets me rock-hard

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

Theresa May’s Brexit deal just lost for a third time in parliament.

Didn’t she ever learn that “no” means “no”?

Too soon? For me too.

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me.

When I got home early from work, something just didn’t seem right. I even asked the guy in bed with her if he had noticed anything suspicious.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

I never say no to a fight

But when my grandmother said "Let's take this outside" I'm beginning to think she may have been talking about my Bike.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church

But it's a horrible thing to hear in prison.

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

...but backwards, it’s even more stupid…

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...

Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

Tereasa May, the kind of negotiator......

To walk into DFS and walk out with a full price sofa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Doctor said I may die because I’ve consumed clay

If I’m going to be honest, I’m shitting bricks

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?

Theresa May....

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

How is Theresa May Like a Catholic Teen?

She's got no Plan B after she gets screwed.

Soulja Boy may be facing 20 years in prison for selling a console with counterfeit games

It’ll be the first time a mumble rapper completes a sentence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

May I have your attention for a moment please? I have news to spread.

n e w s

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

Hitler may have been bad

But he did kill Hitler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.
It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."
The wish was granted.
The rabbit's turn. He goes" I...

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

"May your thousand generations be childless!" yelled my best friend in anger.

He never did think his curses through...

Flight Attendant: “May I offer you some headphones?”

Me: “Sure, but how did you know my name was phones?”

A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat...

...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Man may ask God three questions

Man: "God, how much is a million years for you?"
God: "Like a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars for you?"
God: "Like a penny."
Man: "Then, could you lend me a penny?"
God: "In a minute..."

Albert Einstein may have been a genius

But his brother Frank was a monster.

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

England may not have a kidney bank...

But they do have a liver pool.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption

Adoption Agent: wth?... sir...you must be mistaken... we...

Me: *crying* Please...help...I can't raise them on my own

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

LPT: If you're flying a small aircraft and you have to make an emergency landing, try to land on a golf course. There is a better chance that there may be a doctor on the course to treat any injuries.

... you might be able to take out a few lawyers on the ground as well.

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction

A man experiencing erectile dysfunction goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks him about his eating habits, whether he exercises or not, and what he does for a living. After considering everything he has heard, he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. The man opens his wallet and shows him. The do...

What do Marvel movies and Billy Mays have in common?

They both are like, "But wait, there's more!"

My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable.

I'd steak my reputation on that.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

I may be biased, but I think blind people have the best observational humor.

I guess I’m just a big fan of dark comedy.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic...

...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

Something you all may not know about dry erase boards.

They're so remarkable!

“May the force be with you.”

“And also with you,” said the Catholic Jedi.

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know April keeps going until May comes...(NSFW)

Because the wall I share with my lesbian neighbors is real thin.

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!