UPJOKE
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Both Jokes

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

My both parents were psychologists...

They gave me mental blocks for Christmas.

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

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Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

You can't be both before and after something

That's preposterous.

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

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What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

What do you call a monkey who swings both ways?

Bi-curious George

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name....

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

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What's the difference between model trains and titties?

Nothing, both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.

If you can see both hands of the proctologist while he's giving you the exam...

... it makes you wonder 🤔

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A man and his wife go golfing together.

On one particular hole, the man slices the ball badly and it's off the fairway. When he finally finds his ball, it's on the other side of a large barn.

The man is visibly upset and says "This sucks. Now I have to take two strokes to hit around this stupid barn just to get back on the fairway....

5 years ago, I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

A young boy approaches his mum and asks why he is black, even though both his parents are white.

The mother replies ‚My dear, it was one hell of an orgy back then. You should be happy that you aren’t barking.‘

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman.

The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love.

The engineer would give her an apple every day.

This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it.

"The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?"

The ...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a beautiful woman, more gorgeous than any he's ever seen. He walks up to her and says, "I'd really like to have sex with the most beautiful woman in the world, if you'd oblige." She responds, "Sounds like we both want the same thing."

To which she then adds, "Unfortunately for you, I got to her first."

Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.

1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"

2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"

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Meanwhile in the hotel lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says,

\- "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

My friend lost both his jobs today

He was a driver for Amazon but also moonlighted as a stand up comedian. They both fired him for thr same reason too.

They said he needed to work on his delivery.

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

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Three roommates were getting ready to go on dates

The first guy says, “Boys, my date’s name is Kissy, so I’m at least getting to make out with her tonight!”

The second guy says, “By that logic, I’m getting way more than that! My date’s name is Kitty, so I’m getting some pussy tonight!”

They both laughed until they saw the third roomma...

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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

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A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

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Home Depot Scam alert

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come ove...

Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..

Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
<...

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

Best Of Both Worlds

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

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my girlfriend just told me that she was fingered both anally and vaginally by the gynaecologist

saying "awesome" was not the right reaction

How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

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What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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How is the Starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

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What do computers and pooping have in common?

They both end when you logout.

Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia?

To improve the gene pool of both countries

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common?

Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.

P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

Life is like coding.

They've both got their breakpoints, and when you hit them it's time for some introspection.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

Me: I think it’s safe to assume we are both donkeys.

My friend: Careful, you know what happens when you assume.

Me: Exactly.

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A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door.

While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers an...

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

What do a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book reader and someome good at pleasing women have in common?

They are both willing to keep as many fingers inside until they get to a good ending.

What does President Erdogan have in common with Little Miss Muffet?

They both have Kurds in their whey

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A man hook up with a girl at a bar.

When they get to his place and get in the bedroom, he can't get it up. Hes having whisky dick. She asked him to stick his big toe in her pussy. He does and wiggles his toe around for a bit. They were both really drunk and out of it at this point and eventually passed out. When he woke up in the ...

Which state is round on both ends and tall in the middle?

***O-HI-O***

(ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs, ʙᴜɢs)

Had to leave my partner.

They had both feet amputated. Turns out I'm lack toes intolerant.

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

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As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

What worse then having your doctor reach up and grab your shoulder while giving you a prostate exam?

Having your doctor reach up and grab both your shoulders while doing you prostrate exam

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Wikipedia and Google walk into a bar...

Wikipedia: I know everything

Google: I have everything

Internet was sitting closeby: Without me, you both are nothing

From the end of the bar crackled the voice of Electricity: Keep talking, bitches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Breaking: Brittany Griner

Brittany Griner has just been swapped for arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Both have roughly the same shooting %

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

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