UPJOKE
sometwononewithonesameonlyeitherotheroncealthoughallwhilebuttheir

Both Jokes

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

Who is both a knight and a spy?

Sir Veillance

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Two men, both new to the town, was discussing their new home.

"What a strange place," said one of them. "I went to check out the stock exchange yesterday, and it turned out to be all about soups and sauces. Very disappointing."

"You think that's disappointing?" replied the other. "I went to check out the brothel!"

What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm both asexual and apathetic

I don't give a fuck.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

What is both good and bad news?

Your car's airbags work

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.

We always have a joint birthday party.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage counselor: "How about we start with something you both have in common"

Husband: "Well neither of us suck dick"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

I attribute my loss of memory to both age, and smoking marijuana.

Or maybe a combination of all three?

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning, one husband called the other and said "No more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

Both men and women are going to the gym to have the same thing.

A perfect female body.

My both parents were psychologists...

They gave me mental blocks for Christmas.

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say both during sex and a funeral

This would be much better if u were alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

a deaf girl and amputee missing both his arms are in a relationship

They have communication problems

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

You can't be both before and after something

That's preposterous.

What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do?

Pass the bar

Best Of Both Worlds

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

What do Scarlet Witch and Daredevil both have in common?

They both wear red and lost their Vision.

Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.

After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.

Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say both after sex and after church?

Nice service.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father and son from Utah, both avid fishermen, finally decide to visit the British Isles

So they have a beer in London, bag of crisps in Birmingham, they enjoy a slice of the famous Chevington cheese in Newcastle, and as they slowly traveled Northward, they both get the urge to go fishing in the famous Scottish Lochs.

And so it came to pass, that in Glasgow, they bought a o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed....

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman.

The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love.

The engineer would give her an apple every day.

This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it.

"The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both of them?

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere gi...

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

Lawrence Welk had twin girls and he named them both Anna. How were they distinguished?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

What do you call a monkey who swings both ways?

Bi-curious George

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

Who would survive if Trump and Clinton both were stranded on a island?

America

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner...

Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

My wife and I were both happy for 26 years

Then we met.

My mom and dad were both dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Nala say to Simba after they both got drunk?

I’m horny Simba! Let’s do my anagram now!

How to you call a pig missing both hind legs?

A ham-putee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

Me: I think it’s safe to assume we are both donkeys.

My friend: Careful, you know what happens when you assume.

Me: Exactly.

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both my close friend are absolute bums, but it's great

because I'm an asshole.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

If you can see both hands of the proctologist while he's giving you the exam...

... it makes you wonder 🤔

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together?

A buttwhole.

I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend just told me that she was fingered both anally and vaginally by the gynaecologist

saying "awesome" was not the right reaction

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...

The doctor walked in with the medical bill,

I couldn't stand to look at it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do both smoking cigarettes & eating p*ssy have in common?

The flavors change when you get to the butt.

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

What's the one piece of advice that would benefit both a tightrope walker and a guy getting a b.j. from an 85-year-old woman?

"Don't look down."

What is both easy and tasty?

Piece of cake!

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.

My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'

And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.

What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?

They're bisectual

I like both sweet snacks and salty snacks

I’m bisnacksual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both of them.

A guy visits his friends house and finds his friend tired and hungover. His friend asks him to bring his slippers from upstairs. When he goes upstairs he sees two escorts his friend called for the night and tells them that the guy told him to bang both of them. The girls reply “are you sure ?, that...

My Girlfriend got both our dogs sweaters...

Shes’s always loved doggy-style

A political joke for both sides:

Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

What is both delicious and moist?

.
.
.
.
.
.
A lie!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit were both taking a shit in the woods

"Hey rabbit" the bear asks "does the shit stick to your fur ?"

"Well no." said the rabbit.

So the bear picks up the rabbit and uses it to wipe his arse.

When all's said and done it's been an impressive mpressive show from both Biden and Trump

Who would have thought two blokes in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

It is both International Lion Day and International S'more Day.

It is both International Lion Day and International S'more Day.

So I guess you could say, we need s'more lions!

What's round on both ends and high in the middle?

Ohio. :)

What is true in both Minecraft and real life.

Never waste diamonds on a hoe.

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes

They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?”

“Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d l...

I rolled for Perception with advantage, and both were crits...

Guess you could say I've got 20 / 20 vision.

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straigh...

A young boy approaches his mum and asks why he is black, even though both his parents are white.

The mother replies ‚My dear, it was one hell of an orgy back then. You should be happy that you aren’t barking.‘

What would both a recovering alchoholic and a dominatrix take as a compliment?

"I'm very impressed with your restraint."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

My parents were both artists

I call them MoMA and Dada

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...

...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

A boxer loses both of his arms

This joke doesn’t have a punch line anymore

There is 2 eye lids that are both waiters

and their manager is named brain. Brain said “You two are closing tonight.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.