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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

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The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

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He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

Hippopotamuses are seemingly unconcerned about the effects of climate change on their habitat

It's as if they lived in de Nile

Ever heard of the Freeman effect?

The Freeman effect is evidence that a person may have experienced events from a different reality, wherein they recall memories of things or events that didn't exist or didn't happen. The name comes from the fact that when a significant percentage of people hear "Nelson Mandela", they actually think...

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.

A friend of mine is a big fan of the Doppler Effect.

He soon changed his tune when he ran it past me.

The Coolidge Effect

President Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.

When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each d...

After reading about the effects of drinking and smoking

I've decided to quit reading.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husban...

My friend showed me a joke that really effected me because it used words incorrectly.

It ruined the jokes affect.

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults

A farmer invested 10 million USD towards research on marijuana effects on cows.

The steak were high

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

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The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on quails’ sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.

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I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

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My medical Marijuana has an unintended side effect: constipation

My doc told me it's time to shit or get off the pot

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

I was going to make a joke about the bystander effect

But somebody else probably already did that

I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…

What are the negative effects of smoking marijuana?

You now have less marijuana.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

I'm a scientist studying the effect of bestiality on animal psychology.

If you have any questions, you can find me in my lab.

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

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A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

I've recently learned a little bit about Dunning-Krueger effect.

But I'm quite certain it doesn't apply to me.

The Mandela Effect walks into a bar

But I vividly remember him walking into a grocery store...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead ...

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

What do we want? Hi speed Doppler effect cat drive by noises.

When do we want them?
MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I don't really know about the effects of nocturnal drinking

I'm just taking a shot in the dark.

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.

Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!

It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especi...

Researchers have developed a new painkiller with no negative side effects

… and no positive either.

Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

Studies show the effects of divorce on young children are complex.

Sadness and anxiety are common, but many are just happy to be single again.

What do you call a disease that only effects ducks?

A mallard-y

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Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned ...

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head...

...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.

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The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of cours...

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I've just ordered a procrastinating blowup doll with real orgasm effect

It's coming tomorrow

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3 friends are walking through the snow (nsfw)

The first one turns to the other two and says, "It's so cold out here my dick must have shrank 3 sizes. "

The second one chimes in and says, "you're lucky, Mine shot inside my body to stay warm. "

The third one looks at them, shrugs, then says, "Eh, I've fucked so many cold hearted b...

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"

The sight of this fellow in such misery re...

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Most medicines have side effects...

...except Viagra has front effects.
Good bye.

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

What do we want? Doppler effect! When do we want it?

nooaaaaAAAwwww!

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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the ...

side-effects of alcohol.

A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She t...

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A man gets a prescription for Viagra...

That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion.

The next morning, his wife says to him, "Dear, how about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?" The husband replies, " You know, I'm not really hungry. Maybe it's a side effect...

Did you hear about the new protagonist in Mass effect 4?

It's Commander Lamb.

(From a friend of mine... Told it to me while we were in a party chat)

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

Have you guys heard about the drastic effects of erosion on the Great Pyramids?

Yeah, they're kinda pointless now.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...