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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

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My doctor told me there'd be side effects from taking Viagra.

He never told me my wife needing a hip replacement would be one of them.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

The Coolidge Effect

President Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.

When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each d...

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

After reading about the effects of drinking and smoking

I've decided to quit reading.

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

Ever heard of the Freeman effect?

The Freeman effect is evidence that a person may have experienced events from a different reality, wherein they recall memories of things or events that didn't exist or didn't happen. The name comes from the fact that when a significant percentage of people hear "Nelson Mandela", they actually think...

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

A friend of mine is a big fan of the Doppler Effect.

He soon changed his tune when he ran it past me.

I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husban...

Hippopotamuses are seemingly unconcerned about the effects of climate change on their habitat

It's as if they lived in de Nile

Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

A farmer invested 10 million USD towards research on marijuana effects on cows.

The steak were high

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

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I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

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My medical Marijuana has an unintended side effect: constipation

My doc told me it's time to shit or get off the pot

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

Scientists are studying the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern, a species of bird.

The studies are so intense they have stated "We are leaving no tern unstoned."

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?

I was going to make a joke about the bystander effect

But somebody else probably already did that

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

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The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on quails’ sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

What are the negative effects of smoking marijuana?

You now have less marijuana.

I'm a scientist studying the effect of bestiality on animal psychology.

If you have any questions, you can find me in my lab.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

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The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."...

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

I've recently learned a little bit about Dunning-Krueger effect.

But I'm quite certain it doesn't apply to me.

What do we want? Hi speed Doppler effect cat drive by noises.

When do we want them?
MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

The Mandela Effect walks into a bar

But I vividly remember him walking into a grocery store...

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

I don't really know about the effects of nocturnal drinking

I'm just taking a shot in the dark.

How did the Russians effect the election?

The helped Democrats finally follow their promise of transparency.

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

What do you call a disease that only effects ducks?

A mallard-y

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead ...

Researchers have developed a new painkiller with no negative side effects

… and no positive either.

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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.

Studies show the effects of divorce on young children are complex.

Sadness and anxiety are common, but many are just happy to be single again.

Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head...

...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

Whenever Adobe After Effects asks if I have paid for it, I say..

"AE, I-O-U!" and sometimes, "Why?"

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I've just ordered a procrastinating blowup doll with real orgasm effect

It's coming tomorrow

What do we want? Doppler effect! When do we want it?

nooaaaaAAAwwww!

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In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher, who always yelled at him saying "you are driving me crazy, Bashir".

One day his mother went to check how he was doing at school and the t...

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Most medicines have side effects...

...except Viagra has front effects.
Good bye.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

side-effects of alcohol.

A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She t...

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A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

Did you hear about the new protagonist in Mass effect 4?

It's Commander Lamb.

(From a friend of mine... Told it to me while we were in a party chat)

Have you guys heard about the drastic effects of erosion on the Great Pyramids?

Yeah, they're kinda pointless now.

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Joe Rogan Jokes

I adore what Joe Rogan has done for the DMT community and long-form interviews on his awesome podcast.

But when he uses his not-insignificant talents to do retread homosexual jokes and stolen sound effects (RIP Sam Kinison) for a mostly male heterosexual audience, one cannot help but wonde...

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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

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