UPJOKE
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Effect Jokes

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…
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I just heard about the Dunning-Kruger effect

What a crock! I could have written that paper drunk with a couple mates!
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Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.
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What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality
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My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.
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Growing up, this so-called Mandela Effect didn't exist.

Or at least, that's how I remember it.
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I'd like to tell a joke about the Mandela Effect...

...but i can't recall what it was.
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I've just been reading about the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Go on, ask me anything.
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One of the effects of ADHD…

Is that you can’t
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Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...
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A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...
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Are you saying smoking has no effect on a woman's voice?

Try dropping some cigarette ash on the carpet.
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Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

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I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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How were Viking longships able to effectively communicate with one another?

They used Norse code.
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Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2
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Who can drink 5L of petrol with no effect?

Jerry can
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Why was the lawyer so effective as a hooker?

She mastered the art of getting her clients off on technicalities.
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I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
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Why is everyone talking about the Baader-Meinhof effect all of a sudden?

I just heard about it, and know I see it everywhere!
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Which restaurant has the best special effects?

C.G.I Fridays
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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

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The effects of marriage on sex.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Asked my boss when my raise becomes effective

He said "When you do."
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I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.
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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.
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What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)
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I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound
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Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.
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People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)
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The bystander effect works in my favor

So many people wish I was dead,

That all of them assume someone else will actually kill me
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The Coolidge Effect

President Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.

When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each d...
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My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.
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Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
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What is butterfly effect?

When you cause tsunami in Japan by masturbating.

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Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their tits out to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.

It had no effect on their own crew because pirates only care about booty.

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What do you get when you cross the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I don't know man, but lately I just keep seeing the signs and evidence everywhere I turn. *I'm fucking brilliant.*

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.
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Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.
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I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself
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I found out about the Dunning-Kruger Effect yesterday

And today, I am an expert in it
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I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will
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Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.
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What do you call the sound effect guy for fight scenes?

a pow arranger
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People at my work are subject to quantum effects

They behave differently if a superviser is observing.
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A police officer shot me with a taser, but it had no effect.

Then they *charged* me with *resisting* arrest.
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What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.
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100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting
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The sound effect of intensity makes sense

3Tons will intensify any moment
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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

Just learned about the Baader-Meinhof effect...

Now I can't stop seeing it everywhere!
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In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven
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What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.
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What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills
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I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.
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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.
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Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I read this online article about it, so I'm basically an expert.
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I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.
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Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.
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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.
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What effect does mist have? (Dad joke alert.)

It mystifies.
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My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.
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The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.
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How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy
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What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a
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Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.
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statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%
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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
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The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?
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I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.
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An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.
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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

Today I discovered a shocking side effect of vaccines.

Adults
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Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons
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There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The result was staggering…
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My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”
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Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

I feel like The Mandela Effect used to be called something else.

But I can't remember what.

Which is why I still refer to it as The Mandela Effect.
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BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.
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A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.
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I'm a scientist studying the effect of bestiality on animal psychology.

If you have any questions, you can find me in my lab.
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A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...
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What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.
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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters...

You probably haven't heard of it.
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What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.
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My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.
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TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.
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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

The Mandela Effect walks into a bar

But I vividly remember him walking into a grocery store...
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A friend of mine is a big fan of the Doppler Effect.

He soon changed his tune when he ran it past me.
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Effective Anger Management

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...
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I was going to make a joke about the bystander effect

But somebody else probably already did that
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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"
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I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.
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Effective weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a represen...

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
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I tried to reverse the effects of viagra

It was just too hard

It's been a long time since anyone talked about the Mandarin Effect

What? What do you mean it's the *Mandela* effect?
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I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.
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A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.
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And the Oscar Award for best special effects (Which is related to stuff that simulates things that are fictional/do not exist) goes to...

An honest politician.
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A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.
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How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead
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Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husban...
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The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat

Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands!
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North Korea has discovered the most Effective vaccine for Covid-19

They are calling it " One Bullet Vaccine "
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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.
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How to communicate effectively with your teenage son as an anti-vaxxer:

1. Ouija Board
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Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...

Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there
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When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.
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