UPJOKE
consequenceresultcauseimpactactionimpressionside effectoutcomeeffectiveinducechangeaftermathresponseinfluencevalidity

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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What do you get when you cross the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I don't know man, but lately I just keep seeing the signs and evidence everywhere I turn. *I'm fucking brilliant.*

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

Who can drink 5L of petrol with no effect?

Jerry can

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.

This is due to the corgiolis effect.

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.

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All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

People at my work are subject to quantum effects

They behave differently if a superviser is observing.

A police officer shot me with a taser, but it had no effect.

Then they *charged* me with *resisting* arrest.

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A man was unsatisfied with his small penis

He expressed his problem to a friend. His friend suggested that he should go and visit a wizard who was living on a cliff just outside the town. So the man, in hopes, went to visit that wizard. He reached the base of that cliff and started searching for ways to climb his way up. Luckily he found a r...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

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Elder man can't sleep

An elder at the pharmacist:

"Doctor, I haven't been able to sleep at night for 2 days! Can you give me something?"

The pharmacist:

"Try these sleeping pill suppositories, they are very effective!"

The day after:

"Doctor, do you have anything less powerful?

T...

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

After months of preliminary testing, Dr. D. Johnson's supplement to cure the side-effects of COVID-19 went into final trials

Unfortunately the drug only allowed you to smell what the rock was cooking

A while ago I did a #trashtag cleanup of all the beverage containers in the local partying spot near an old stream in the hills, and just revisited it.

It looks so much better now that it doesn't even look real.

There's something that's almost artificial about it, it's so pristine.

It just looked a little... off, and it was hard to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually I realized why.

It was the uncanny valley effect.

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

Analysis of the tanks is as follows:

American tanks are more effective, however can be spotted easily due to the usage of Fortunate Son whenever a hatch opens.

However, Russian tanks are silent. This is not intentional, as they ran out of fuel.

French tanks have a speed faster in reverse than in forwards.

Similarly...

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Why did noone see Zelenskyys balls so far?

Because the light cant escape the gravity well...


PS: You can really assume the mass of his balls indirectly through effect it has on surrounding world.

A man has a strange request for his doctor...

Credit to u/tenebralupo for the last time I recall this joke being posted here. I thought it'd be funny, so enjoy!

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Some guy walks into his doctor's office.

"Good morning. Are you here for a checkup?"

"Not really. I've decided I want to be castrated."

"Castrat...

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

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Some people say masturbation makes you go blind.

I find it makes me go, "Hhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyeeeeeeeuuuuuuurgh!! "

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Desert Island Dicks

A man who has been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a pig and a dog. One day, the man decides he’s had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. Bu...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

The bystander effect works in my favor

So many people wish I was dead,

That all of them assume someone else will actually kill me

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

I found out about the Dunning-Kruger Effect yesterday

And today, I am an expert in it

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

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Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

Inconceivable

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

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Young priest’s education

A young priest, straight out of seminary, is hearing confessions.

The first parishioner says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I cheated a man out of $100 this week. Then I went downtown, found a prostitute and got a blow job.” The priest, who had never heard of a blow job hesitates a...

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

science explained

This is a joke translated from german
Original is from Vince Ebert, a german comedian

What is Science? Simple said Science is about making a prediction and then try to proof it,
Example:
If i theorise "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed and go looking into the fridge fo...

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

The sound effect of intensity makes sense

3Tons will intensify any moment

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I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat

Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands!

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters...

You probably haven't heard of it.

Turkish saying about the Placebo effect

"If you take this medicine, you'll be cured in 7 days. If you don't take it, you'll be cured in one week"

Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I read this online article about it, so I'm basically an expert.

What is the net effect of a divorce, or a tornado in Alabama?

Somebody is getting a new trailer.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

Just learned about the Baader-Meinhof effect...

Now I can't stop seeing it everywhere!

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

What's the most effective method of suicide?

Supplying the POTUS and the Royal Family with underage girls.

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