UPJOKE
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Due Jokes

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, know that you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel your penis was inadequate

Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Donald Trump was due to get circumcised

But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Professor: The homework is due Monday.

Student: Can I get an extension?

Professor: No worries. The homework is due Monday.png.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Due to inflation

The phrase "a dime a dozen" has gone up to "a dollar a dozen"

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

and then I saw her face...

Giving the devil his due

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm...

Due to the current energy crisis

The light on the end of the tunnel has been turned off

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Due to recent events,

James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Due to the rise of autonomous vehicles

It's only a matter of time until a country singer makes a song about his truck leaving them.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

Due to poor attendance, the Oakland A’s are moving to Vancouver!

They will now be called the Eh’s.

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

A massive earthquake hit California due to the San Andreas line opening up and destroying everything

No foreign aid was granted because according to the UN
"It was their own damn fault"

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream..

I can’t wait to rub it in…

A lady brings her dog to the veterinarian due to itching.

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.
The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear panty hose for a few days”. The l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

So Prince Andrew is missing the celebrations due to Covid

A spokeman has said he just had a minor tickle.

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine

The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled... But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go.

Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, ...

Due

To

Coronavirus

My

Text

Will

Be

Practicing

Social

Distancing

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

Due to Policy Changes

Prenuptial’s will now be called End User License Agreements

The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer...

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK.

After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".

My iron broke due to overheating

The irony

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Mr. Watson, please inform any potential customers I can't see them now due to a severe Constipation

"No shit, Sherlock?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

The Paradox Association has fragmented due to internal conflicts.

Many members have subsequently joined The Irony Society, but leaders of both organizations have issued statements clarifying that simultaneous membership remains an unresolved issue.

Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay....

Luckily I'm a statistician.

My wife has left me due to my obsession with Blankety Blank!

What makes it worse is that she took all the _________ with her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to inflation, the rapper Chamillionaire is changing his name to ChaMiddleClass.

2 Chainz also announced that he’s changing his name, due to supply chain issues

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

Most accidents happen due to children in the front seat

and most children happen due to accidents in the back seat

The **car** is the cause of em all troubles!

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

/r/wallstreetbets doesn't do due dilligence, they listen to...

...ape-pinions.

Due to COVID-19...

I've begun laundering my money.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I'm in a synagogue, and can't leave due to a heavy storm

I'll just wait for it to Passover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis fell off due to an overdose of steroids...

Anabolic? Nah, just the dick.

I cut some ones grass today. my usual price is £10 but due to the current inflation rate of 3.4%..

It cost £20

Ive heard the local flasher was due to retire..

But hes decided to stick it out for another year

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Due to the Coronovirus (COVID19)........

All TCP applications are being converted to UDP to avoid Handshakes!

Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..

The girl: “you’re selling yourself short you know”

My local brothel is closed due to covid.

The sign on the door says: Beat it, we're closed.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia,

a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.

It's called Burka King.

The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

They should've hired taller employees


(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)

Donald Trump is getting layed off due to covid 19

Just like most Americans, Donald Trump is about to lose his job and the house Due to covid 19 and has a lot of debt. God bless America!

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tired due to sex all the time

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His mate says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. She want...

Due to less pollution in the air

cloud files are clearly visible now

Karen calls the police due to a blackout in her neighborhood

Karen: Excuse me, there's a black out in my neighborhood!

Police: Call Centerpoint Energy.

Karen: You don't understand, he's still here!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

Due to the latest sellouts of toilet paper...

Their company's profit is on a roll

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I’m full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment.

The hackers are always Russian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

Due to increased fuel costs and because electric cars are so expensive, legislators voted today to reintroduce horse and buggy

The vote failed: one yea, 35 neigh

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

John dies due to a car accident

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What up with all these clocks?"

Angel answers "These clocks measure lies, every person has one clock assigned to them. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks."

The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's ...

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker could not be with us tonight....

But, he's with us in spirit.

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer.

I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PSA on Hoarding and Panic buying due to Covid-19

Due to the current pasta shortage, the government has asked people not to panic buy based to the actions of a fusilli individuals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toilet paper sold out around the world due to Corona Virus

Seems like people can't handle this shit

I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory

Unfortunately it folded.

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl that can table dance infinitely due to unusual geometry infinitely due to unusual the geometry

A Mobius stripper

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost my Husband due to long-term illness...

I went blind 17 years ago, and the bugger still thinks it's funny to hide from me!

I’ve got to give credit where credit is due.

I don’t know where I would be without my Cartography degree.

Uh oh, due to Coronavirus, Finland just closed it’s borders...

Now no one can cross the Finnish line.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

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