A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Apparently it is impossible to find out the true number of Americans hospitalized due to hippo attacks...

Publishing that information would be a HIPPO violation.

[Cite: heavily inspired by a recent XKCD comic].

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..

The girl: “you’re selling yourself short you know”

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens. It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...

...to make hens meet.

/r/wallstreetbets doesn't do due dilligence, they listen to...

...ape-pinions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

[old indian joke] while on a tour of Tajmahal, the guide was explaining how Shahjahan built this tomb for his wife due to grief.

My wife asked : would you build me one like this ?

I replied " I already bought vacant land, now it's your turn" .

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

A Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

I'm in a synagogue, and can't leave due to a heavy storm

I'll just wait for it to Passover

Due to Policy Changes

Prenuptial’s will now be called End User License Agreements

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee?

You're a nation

My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been unable to sleep due to severely sunburned legs. I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra.

Me: "Wow, I didn't know Viagra helps for sunburn."

Doc: "It doesn't, but it will help keep the bedding off your legs."

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

Apparently, we are getting a make up year for 2020 because we missed so much of it due to COVID.

Next year is officially 2020: 2

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Due to travel restrictions this year...

United States had to organize coups at home

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out the way we make dough is due to sexual reproduction involving the yeast used being from the same family

This has led to inbread results

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

2020 was the first year I didn't go on any trip due to COVID. Hopefully in 2021..

I would not be able to go on a trip just because I have no money.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

Being stuck inside for a long time due to Covid, my wife started having recurring nightmares about how our house is made of celery.

Doctors think it is stalk home syndrome.

Donald Trump was due to get circumcised

But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus.

Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.

A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop

“When is it due” he asks.

“Two weeks” she replies.

“I guess I’ll just walk then” he responds.

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

Grandad wants to go to church like has had done all his life but can't due to the pandemic...

...so his granddaughter decides to introduce him to the world of technology with live broadcasts of sermons he can watch on the laptop safely. It works wonderfully! He happily listens and sings along just as before.

But after many sermons he begins to develop aches in his arm from constantly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I’m full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker could not be with us tonight....

But, he's with us in spirit.

Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment.

The hackers are always Russian.

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

Due to the results of this election I'm jetting this country and most of my friends and family will never see me again

Sincerely,

Donald Trump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...

I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory

Unfortunately it folded.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Donald Trump is getting layed off due to covid 19

Just like most Americans, Donald Trump is about to lose his job and the house Due to covid 19 and has a lot of debt. God bless America!

Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

A father and his son were standing the the farm, looking out into the fields

"One day, this will all be yours" the father said.

Next day the father died of natural causes and the ownership of the farm was transfered to the son.
24 hours later the bank came and took over, due to the fathers very high debt.

"I guess my father wasn't lying when he said this wou...

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

Roses are red, reposting is lame,

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

Karen calls the police due to a blackout in her neighborhood

Karen: Excuse me, there's a black out in my neighborhood!

Police: Call Centerpoint Energy.

Karen: You don't understand, he's still here!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine

The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled... But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go.

Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, ...

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

Ive heard the local flasher was due to retire..

But hes decided to stick it out for another year

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his hunter friend to take him on a trip

It's a rather cold and windy day so the man asks his friend: "How do you bear this freezing cold?"
His friend replies: "I just take one of these." and hands him a flask of whiskey.The wind gets stronger and still nothing to shoot in sight, so they help themselves out to a couple of more shots. ...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

We lost power at work today due to someone hitting a transformer.

I never heard if it was a Decepticon or an Autobot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Due to the wave of homeschooling this year, I'm suggesting we change "wake me up when September ends"

To "knock me out when September starts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel it is inadequate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

My local brothel is closed due to covid.

The sign on the door says: Beat it, we're closed.

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation

Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can say what you want about Hitler, but you have to give credit where credit is due...

He did kill Hitler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Action News Update

And in other news...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be changed to 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up....

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but he got upset due to the image being too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.

He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Most accidents happen due to children in the front seat

and most children happen due to accidents in the back seat

The **car** is the cause of em all troubles!

Being an older due and a longtime Penthouse fan I never thought I'd say this but...

I sure do miss Bush.

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says “we’re going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads”.

He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says “well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?”

“I’ll take the bad news first”

“Okay, ...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

Due to inflation a man had to carry a wheelbarrow filled with $1 billion dollars, all in $1 bills

All the banks fail so he has to store his money in a wheelbarrow

He carries the wheelbarrow around town looking for things to buy with his enormous amount of money

He can’t buy anything since even the simplest thing like an apple or a banana cost $2 billion dollars

One day he...

Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!

Because he is the supreme ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irishman Without A Job

My uncle is an old Irishman and retired sheriff for the county. To pass the time during retirement, Uncle Bob has been working with a staffing organization for years. It’s an Irish organization that helps people of Irish descent find work.

One day, Bob gets a call from a young man named Geral...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.


Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week

1. Yesterday

2. Today

3. Tomorrow

Due to Covid, only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.

Unfortunately, this means a lot less people get to hear how impressively strong my urine stream is.

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin

But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences.

I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now.

James French was placed in the electric chair due to be executed; his last words?

‘French Fries’

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

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