Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

And name it ElonGates

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine",

obviously never had diarrhea.

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

Tele-Medicine

With all the Covid around my doctor said we should do the routine checkups by tele-medicine. He had me get a thermometer and supplies from the pharmacy. I have my phone ready. I see that today I am scheduled for a prostate exam.

[OC] How did the Mexican doctor double a patient's medicine?

He gave him a dosage

Why did Silly Billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

What brand of medicine sponsored a boxer?

Muhammad Aleve

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.

*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

My father always said laughter was the best medicine...

Which is why I was so confused when I finally tried cocaine in the 80s

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I found a great medicine to help me sleep at night with a sunburn

Viagra.

It dosnt help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."



An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Cong...

Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?

One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!

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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

Recently a man died of an overdose of homeopathic medicine...

...he forgot to take his pill.

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Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

Sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some med...

I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs...

... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin.

Two twins both studied medicine in college

When they graduated they became a pair-a-medics

4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.

1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.

1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.


1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.


1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this a...

If laughter is the best medicine

your face must be curing the world

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

People always say laughter is the best medicine...

But when I ask for it at the pharmacy people always give me a weird look.

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It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

One joke I've heard

They say laughter is the best medicine. So, maybe, if we keep laughing at people in wheelchairs...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available

He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

What kind of medicine did the pig need?

Oinkment.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest

Is that considered aiding and abedding?

Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ...

Medicine ads on TV be like: Secondary effects: You may die

\-Okay then

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?

A pair o' docs

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

My bro just got his anti-depressant medicine stolen from him. I asked him what he would say if he met the guy who stole it.

"I hope he's happy," he said.

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

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Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

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A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

They say that laughter is the best medicine...

Tell that to the judge who held me in contempt for giggling during my patients' testimonies.

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Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pill...

Doctor: You need to take this medicine after eating food

African kid: *cries*

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entir...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

Mabel goes to the Doctor

Old Mabel goes to her Doctor's office for her regular visit.
At the end of the appointment her Doctor says "You seem to be doing very well Mabel. Is there anything you want to discuss before we end?"
"Well Doc, there is one small thing but it really is nothing worth your time" Mabel says.
T...

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

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There was a shaman famous for transferring illness from others to himself

A man cursed with gastrointestinal issues went to see him after he tried all other western medicine options.
After the costly treatment the man asked the shaman in disbelief: "Please, don't get my hopes up if you're a fraud. Did you really transfer my diarrhea to you?"
The shaman responded cal...

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

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My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.

But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.

He slept with a patient. Just the once.

He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Two Cannibals walk up to the tribe medicine man...

They tell him they don’t feel so well since they ate some guy named Tuck.

Medicine man: What did he look like?

Cannibal: Brown robe, rope around his waist, a weird hair cut, like a bald spot

MM: How’d you cook it?

Cannibal: Boiled ‘er

MM: There’s your problem! You...

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What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

What’s A Porcupine’s Favorite Medicine?

NyQuil!

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the type of medicine porn-lovers use?

Neosporn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

Why did the banana took some medicine?

Because he wasn't peeling well

:)

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

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