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Medicine Jokes

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

USA Medicine

My father-in-law had prostate surgery.

We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight.

We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery.

When I brought...

Indian Medicine

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.


The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Did you hear about they guy who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?

He OD'd.

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine'...

...clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

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Natural Medicine For Guys.

1: Go up to a tree and take a piss, if your pee attracts ants, you have diabetes.

2: If it dries fast, your sodium is high.

3: If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.

4: If you forgot to unzip, Alzheimer.

5: If yo missed the tree, Parkinson's.

6:If you pe...

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

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Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine

A Cairo-practor

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any medicine for pain?”

Pharmacist: Of course. Where exactly?

Me: How would I know? It’s your pharmacy.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

I accidentally took my cat’s medicine last night

Don’t ask meow!

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"

"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."

The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

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Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price.

No bones about it.

Mary Poppins in the 60's: "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down."

Eli Lilly & Merck in the 00's, "A syringe-full of medicine makes the sugar go down."

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills

I spoke with a personal trainer about things I could do to help me lose weight, and he suggested I try a medicine ball.

I hate to have to tell him but I did, but no matter what I do or how much water I drink, I just can't swallow it.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

Where do you buy anti-fart medicine?

At the defartment store.

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

What would you call stolen stomach medicine?

Klepto Bismol

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There’s this new medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV from oral sex.

It’s called Meal PrEP

What do you call medicine that you give to pigs?

Oinkment

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?

What do you do if your medicine doesn't work?

if symptoms persist, insult your doctor

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

The less I rely on homeopathic medicine, the better off I am

I guess it works.

Ron Paul’s favorite medicine?

Sudafed

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I blended a little Viagra and some penis enlargement medicine into eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

How did the people of India get so good at medicine?

They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

What do you call a roof full of medicine?

A drug attic!

Tele-Medicine

With all the Covid around my doctor said we should do the routine checkups by tele-medicine. He had me get a thermometer and supplies from the pharmacy. I have my phone ready. I see that today I am scheduled for a prostate exam.

So this guy goes to his pharmacist to pick up his medicines.

At the pharmacist he starts having a breakdown. A little concerned about the man, the pharmacist asks him what's the matter? The man cries out that no one has ever liked any of his social media posts. The pharmacist takes a look at all his gloomy pics and suggests that he should smile more and look ...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Medicine for COVID-19

Can't find this on the package, should I take one toilet paper roll before or after a meal?

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Chiropractors should be hired to cure all ails, since we know laughter is the best medicine and….

….. they really just crack you up.

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It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

Bad medicine...

Trump wants to cancel $100 million in research funds for Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

I can't remember why, but I bet that'll really shake things up.

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

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"Doctor, please prescribe the best medicine for covid-19"

"I'm prescribing Superglue. Apply it on your ass and sit at home."

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?

Homie-opathy

My dad always said laughter was the best medicine.....

Probably why so many of my siblings died from tuberculosis.

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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

Two twins both studied medicine in college

When they graduated they became a pair-a-medics

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

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Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pill...

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

People always say laughter is the best medicine...

But when I ask for it at the pharmacy people always give me a weird look.

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

Where do cows get their medicine ?

At the farmacy.

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

I'm now doing a report on the erectile dysfunction medicine market.

From what I've gathered, there's stiff competiton.

Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine.

Literally.

What brand of medicine sponsored a boxer?

Muhammad Aleve

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?

One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

My father always said laughter was the best medicine...

Which is why I was so confused when I finally tried cocaine in the 80s

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

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Doctor's Medicine

A young lady visits a doctor and complains, "*Doctor, I think I am suffering with a fever*".

To which the doctor exclaims, "*All right. Let's check your temperature. Could you turn over and remove your panties? I am going to use a rectal thermometer to get an accurate reading*".

As soo...

When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest

Is that considered aiding and abedding?

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

Recently a man died of an overdose of homeopathic medicine...

...he forgot to take his pill.

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

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