I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available

He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

Medicine ads on TV be like: Secondary effects: You may die

\-Okay then

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest

Is that considered aiding and abedding?

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?

A pair o' docs

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

A website opened that houses many Eye relief medicine

It was a site for sore eyes

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That's modern medicine... (Famous Norm Macdonald Joke)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up. He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her." I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body." And he says, "Trust me...

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

Doctor: You need to take this medicine after eating food

African kid: *cries*

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Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

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Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pill...

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

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If laughter truly is the best medicine...

Then why do all of those hookers still have Chlamydia after laughing at my tiny cock?

Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entir...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ...

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

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A woman, tired of her husband's obnoxious snoring, decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That night, they went to bed, and as the husband rolled over and began to drift off, the wife started to snore. When he didn't react, she got louder. She continued until the husband, grumbling, started fumbling around in the dark. He groped until his hand found one of her breasts, and he gave her ni...

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinic

He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth....

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

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My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.

But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.

He slept with a patient. Just the once.

He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a...

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

Two Cannibals walk up to the tribe medicine man...

They tell him they don’t feel so well since they ate some guy named Tuck.

Medicine man: What did he look like?

Cannibal: Brown robe, rope around his waist, a weird hair cut, like a bald spot

MM: How’d you cook it?

Cannibal: Boiled ‘er

MM: There’s your problem! You...

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?

They died from an overdose.

We discussed concussions in Sports Medicine today

Talk about a headache

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

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What is the type of medicine porn-lovers use?

Neosporn.

Bad medicine...

Trump wants to cancel $100 million in research funds for Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

I can't remember why, but I bet that'll really shake things up.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

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What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Why did the banana took some medicine?

Because he wasn't peeling well

:)

They say laughter is the best medicine

That’s why I laugh at people with AIDS

Doctor: Why did you take your medicine before the prescribed time?

Patient: Because I wanted to surprise the bacteria.

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

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The cheif of a tribe becomes constipated

He askes one of his tribesmen to go to the white doctor in a nearby city and get medicine. The tribesman does so. He reaches the doctor and says 'Big chief no shit'

The doctor understands and gives him some laxative. However, the next day the tribesman comes back and says 'Big chief still no ...

A Polish man calls 911

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Pole: Help! My wife is trying to kill me!

Operator: How do you know?

Pole: I checked her medicine cabinet and found Polish remover!

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

In Greek mythology, Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine

One could even call him the Centaur for Disease Control.

He was a big believer in herd immunity.

Why should one cut the sides of a medicine before consuming it??

To avoid side-effects

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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the the...

I used to have a job naming medicines, but I quit after a few days.

I got sick of smacking my head against a computer keyboard.

What kind of medicine makes you look down...

...eye drops.

What do you call an ant that sells medicines on weekdays and helps a farmer on weekends ?

A farmassistant

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

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Rectal administration

A man felt sick and went to a doctor, the doctor diagnosed and said the prescription would be rectal administration.


So the man took off his pants, pushed against the wall and let doctor push the medicine into his anus.


On his way home, the man felt something wrong about th...

I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination

Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.

I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.

I lost my job for not selling drugs.

A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircr...

I got frustrated while trying to think of a name for the medicine I invented.

After smacking my head against the keyboard five times I had the answer.

The thing I like about the dark is

You could be standing in front of an axe murderer and not know it until you’re chopped up or you take your schizophrenia medicine.

If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?

Sudafed

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

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