UPJOKE
physicianmedicationpharmaceuticaltherapydoctorsplintdosedrugdiseasemedicalherbal medicinemedicine manpsychiatrynurseanesthesiology

Medicine Jokes

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Did you hear about they guy who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?

He OD'd.

I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine

A Cairo-practor

Mary Poppins in the 60's: "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down."

Eli Lilly & Merck in the 00's, "A syringe-full of medicine makes the sugar go down."

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"

"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."

The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

Coffin Medicine

A man calls his wife's doctor to ask him about the new medicine she has to take (stop me if you heard this one before)

Doctor: tell your wife to administer the medicine anally.

Husband: ok

Husband to wife: the doctor told you to take it anally

Wife: what does that mean?

Husband: I don't know, I'll call him back.

Husband calls doctor and asks for clarification

Doctor: tell yo...

I accidentally took my cat’s medicine last night

Don’t ask meow!

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

What do you call Alternative Medicine that is proven to work?

Medicine!

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s this new medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV from oral sex.

It’s called Meal PrEP

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

Chiropractors should be hired to cure all ails, since we know laughter is the best medicine and….

….. they really just crack you up.

Where do you buy anti-fart medicine?

At the defartment store.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up [NSFW]

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction!

Obviously, it'll be named ElonGates.

|====D

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price.

No bones about it.

The less I rely on homeopathic medicine, the better off I am

I guess it works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old farmer went to the doctor...

When the doctor comes in, the old farmer says, "Doc I haven't been able to shit for days."

The doc says, "I have just the thing for you." The doc then gave the old farmer some suppositories and tells him to take one when he gets home.

The farmer goes home and takes it and a day later...

70th birthday.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medi...

What do you do if your medicine doesn't work?

if symptoms persist, insult your doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” a...

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Natural Medicine For Guys.

1: Go up to a tree and take a piss, if your pee attracts ants, you have diabetes.

2: If it dries fast, your sodium is high.

3: If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.

4: If you forgot to unzip, Alzheimer.

5: If yo missed the tree, Parkinson's.

6:If you pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

Two friends, George and Ted, were sitting in a bar and talking.

"I just don't know what to do about my son," George said sadly. "He graduated from high school last year, and he still hasn't enrolled in any colleges or gotten a job."

"Maybe I could help your son get a job at the local hospital," said Ted. "I work there, you know. If your son starts working...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

Jack goes to to have surgery and leaves his cat and recently hospitalized father with his best friend Sam

A day passes and the Jack calls Sam " Hey dude! my surgery is in an hour, how is my father doing? are you giving him his medicine?"

Sam responds : " Yes! He's doing okay"

Jack : " How is my new adopted senior cat?"

Sam : " He's dead"

Jack : " What!! Why!! You can't just ...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

What do you call medicine that you give to pigs?

Oinkment

What do you call a roof full of medicine?

A drug attic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father and Son

So there was this boy, about high school age

He didn’t have the best relationship with his father after his parents got divorced

On top of it, every time he tried to call his dad it took him forever to answer

He would call…
No answer
Call again…
No answer
But by ...

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I blended a little Viagra and some penis enlargement medicine into eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

How did the people of India get so good at medicine?

They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people

What would you call stolen stomach medicine?

Klepto Bismol

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.

Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

My dad always said laughter was the best medicine.....

Probably why so many of my siblings died from tuberculosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, please prescribe the best medicine for covid-19"

"I'm prescribing Superglue. Apply it on your ass and sit at home."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

Ron Paul’s favorite medicine?

Sudafed

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

I'm now doing a report on the erectile dysfunction medicine market.

From what I've gathered, there's stiff competiton.

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?

Homie-opathy

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian walks into a pharmacy.

He goes up to the pharmacist and says "Big Chief, no poop!".
The pharmacist gives him a laxative and tells him "Take this to your chief, this should take care of his problem".
The next day the same Indian walks into the pharmacy with an angry look on his face, and says "Big Chief, no poop!!". ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

People always say laughter is the best medicine...

But when I ask for it at the pharmacy people always give me a weird look.

4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.

1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.

1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.


1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.


1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a great medicine to help me sleep at night with a sunburn

Viagra.

It dosnt help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Why was the patient very angry when the nurse wake him up to take medicine?

It was sleeping pill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine.

Literally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

Little boy asks Mommy.

Little boy comes down for breakfast before school and sits down at the kitchen table.

Mom is at the stove making breakfast. Little boy asks, “Mommy? Were you sick last night?”

Mom answers, turning her head looking at her little son, “No, why do you ask that?”

Little boy says, “B...

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

[Translated joke from my native language] The medicine man

I rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
What is this? Which person is this rat-a-tat-tatting on my door?
It is I, the medicine man.
Which medicine man are you referring to?
Yes, correctness.

A young woman goes to Doctor

She was beaten black and blue.


Doctor: “What happened?”


Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes drunk, he beats me senseless”


Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water a...

Tele-Medicine

With all the Covid around my doctor said we should do the routine checkups by tele-medicine. He had me get a thermometer and supplies from the pharmacy. I have my phone ready. I see that today I am scheduled for a prostate exam.

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Two twins both studied medicine in college

When they graduated they became a pair-a-medics

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?

One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

My father always said laughter was the best medicine...

Which is why I was so confused when I finally tried cocaine in the 80s

I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs...

... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin.

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.

*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

Puzzled doctor: "Why are you shaking and gyrating in the clinic after collecting your bottle of medicine?" Patient points to bottle:

"Says here 'Shake well before use'."
"That refers to the bottle."

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.