A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

Why did Dracula take cold medicine ?

To stop his coffin

I’m prescribed ADHD medicine but I don’t take it every day

Today I took my medicine. It is a methylpheni-day

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

Medicine ads on TV be like: Secondary effects: You may die

\-Okay then

When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest

Is that considered aiding and abedding?

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?

A pair o' docs

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

I just bought a haunted boomerang from an old medicine man in the outback.

That’ll come back to haunt me.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

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The cheif of a tribe becomes constipated

He askes one of his tribesmen to go to the white doctor in a nearby city and get medicine. The tribesman does so. He reaches the doctor and says 'Big chief no shit'

The doctor understands and gives him some laxative. However, the next day the tribesman comes back and says 'Big chief still no ...

A website opened that houses many Eye relief medicine

It was a site for sore eyes

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

A Polish man calls 911

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Pole: Help! My wife is trying to kill me!

Operator: How do you know?

Pole: I checked her medicine cabinet and found Polish remover!

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Rectal administration

A man felt sick and went to a doctor, the doctor diagnosed and said the prescription would be rectal administration.


So the man took off his pants, pushed against the wall and let doctor push the medicine into his anus.


On his way home, the man felt something wrong about th...

They say that laughter is the best medicine...

Tell that to the judge who held me in contempt for giggling during my patients' testimonies.

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

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That's modern medicine... (Famous Norm Macdonald Joke)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up. He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her." I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body." And he says, "Trust me...

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the the...

The thing I like about the dark is

You could be standing in front of an axe murderer and not know it until you’re chopped up or you take your schizophrenia medicine.

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

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Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pill...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"

"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep...

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If laughter truly is the best medicine...

Then why do all of those hookers still have Chlamydia after laughing at my tiny cock?

Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entir...

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A guy goes to the doctor..

Guy: “Doctor, whenever i have sex with my wife my dick gets stuck inside her”

Doctor: “That’s impossible”
Guy: “but Its true!! ”

The doctor doesn’t know what to do so he gives him some medicine

The guy returns the next day and tells the doctor that the medicines didn’t hel...

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircr...

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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

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Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

A man waddles into the doctor’s office with his body all swollen...

The doctor asks: “Oh my god what happened?”

The man replies: “I’m not too sure”

After a thorough examination the doctor hands him a box of medicine

The doctor then says: “put one of these up your rear passageway every day, come back in a week”

The man thanks him and leave...

A man walks into an illegal drug store...

Man: Hey! I'm actually here for some medicine I need for my stomach problems.

Druggist: Well, that's a first. What do you need?

Man: Do you have some Diet Coke?

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

The oldest profession...

Three professionals, a Doctor, a Lawyer and a Civil Servant, were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The Doctor reminded his colleagues of the Bible, wherein it is stated that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. That was a medical procedure, and so medicine is clearly the o...

I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

If farmer A sells apple, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sells?

Medicine

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

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A woman, tired of her husband's obnoxious snoring, decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That night, they went to bed, and as the husband rolled over and began to drift off, the wife started to snore. When he didn't react, she got louder. She continued until the husband, grumbling, started fumbling around in the dark. He groped until his hand found one of her breasts, and he gave her ni...

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

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My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.

But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.

He slept with a patient. Just the once.

He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?

They died from an overdose.

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

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What is the type of medicine porn-lovers use?

Neosporn.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

Bad medicine...

Trump wants to cancel $100 million in research funds for Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

I can't remember why, but I bet that'll really shake things up.

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

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What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

Why did the banana took some medicine?

Because he wasn't peeling well

:)

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

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