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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

After years in Veterinary medicine, I decided to learn Taxidermy also.

Now my sign reads: “Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,you get your dog back!"

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

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Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman, tired of her husband's obnoxious snoring, decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That night, they went to bed, and as the husband rolled over and began to drift off, the wife started to snore. When he didn't react, she got louder. She continued until the husband, grumbling, started fumbling around in the dark. He groped until his hand found one of her breasts, and he gave her ni...

I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

How do Mexicans take their medicine?

Orally

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

Why don't Africa supply medicine?

Because you're not supposed to eat medicine on an empty stomach

Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ...

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

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My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.

But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.

He slept with a patient. Just the once.

He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense o...

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine

wasn't recovering from a broken rib.

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

Bad medicine...

Trump wants to cancel $100 million in research funds for Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

I can't remember why, but I bet that'll really shake things up.

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

What’s A Porcupine’s Favorite Medicine?

NyQuil!

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the type of medicine porn-lovers use?

Neosporn.

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?

They died from an overdose.

Why did the banana took some medicine?

Because he wasn't peeling well

:)

They say laughter is the best medicine

That’s why I laugh at people with AIDS

Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a...

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

Doctor: Why did you take your medicine before the prescribed time?

Patient: Because I wanted to surprise the bacteria.

You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.

I still can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they haven’t found a cure for alzheimer’s.

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What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine

and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a magician who keeps turning his amnesia medicine into viagra?

A master of missed erection.

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Why should one cut the sides of a medicine before consuming it??

To avoid side-effects

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

I used to have a job naming medicines, but I quit after a few days.

I got sick of smacking my head against a computer keyboard.

What kind of medicine makes you look down...

...eye drops.

I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.

I lost my job for not selling drugs.

Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

In Greek mythology, Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine

One could even call him the Centaur for Disease Control.

He was a big believer in herd immunity.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

I got frustrated while trying to think of a name for the medicine I invented.

After smacking my head against the keyboard five times I had the answer.

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination

Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.

If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?

Sudafed

Medicine

Jim walked up to Joe who was frantically jumping up and down. So he asked Joe, "what are you doing?" Joe said while jumping, "This bottle says to shake well before use!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you're diabetic, then insulin is pretty high on the list.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine

Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time

Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?

A mental hospital

The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep.

I decided to in-vitamin.

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

Did you hear about the guy who OD'ed on homeopathic medicine?

He had forgotten to take them.

A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"

The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."

"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.

"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Le...

Laughter is the Best Medicine

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold ...

A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia

Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns ...

Why did Dracula need medicine?

Because he was coffin.

Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine......

I can't believe Gaviscon.

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of whiteout.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medic...

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Most medicines have side effects...

...except Viagra has front effects.
Good bye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think I have a medicine fetish.

I get a boner when i take Viagra.

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