I was looking for a type of medicine to motivate me

My friend recommended Aspirin.
“Why”
“Because after taking it, I’ve been Aspirin to do great things”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Take your medicine

An old lady walks into the doctor's office and says "doc, I've been farting all the time but they're silent and they don't smell"

The doctor agrees with her, and gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week

She comes back and says "doctor, I don't know what the hell you ga...

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ...

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy studied medicine for 7 years

Loved by the community.

But just one fuck-up and he can’t work any more.

He slept with a patient. Just the once.

He’ll be such a loss to the service. A lovely guy and a brilliant vet

Have you heard of this medicine that makes people steal things?

It's called Klepto-Bismol.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team up and make a medicine to cure erectile dysfunction

And name it "Elon-Gate"

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine

wasn't recovering from a broken rib.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense o...

If laughter is the best medicine...

Then making fun of anti-vaxxers should be considered a public service.

I gave up studying extra-terrestrial medicine

I just couldn't find the patients for it.

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

So apparently laughter isn't the best medicine.

Wish they told me that before I became an EMT.

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market

Its called mycoxaflopin

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. It points a wing at the man behind the desk and says with a frown:

"Quack"

Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?

They died from an overdose.

Why did the banana took some medicine?

Because he wasn't peeling well

:)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the type of medicine porn-lovers use?

Neosporn.

They say laughter is the best medicine

That’s why I laugh at people with AIDS

Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a...

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine

and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a magician who keeps turning his amnesia medicine into viagra?

A master of missed erection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What type of medicine should you take if your butt hurts?

Ass-Pirin

How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

In Greek mythology, Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine

One could even call him the Centaur for Disease Control.

He was a big believer in herd immunity.

What do you call an ant that sells medicines on weekdays and helps a farmer on weekends ?

A farmassistant

What kind of medicine makes you look down...

...eye drops.

Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?

The package says, "take in after eating".

I used to have a job naming medicines, but I quit after a few days.

I got sick of smacking my head against a computer keyboard.

Why should one cut the sides of a medicine before consuming it??

To avoid side-effects

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.

I lost my job for not selling drugs.

100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas cracker!

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con Medicine

(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?

Sudafed

I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination

Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.

Medicine

Jim walked up to Joe who was frantically jumping up and down. So he asked Joe, "what are you doing?" Joe said while jumping, "This bottle says to shake well before use!"

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you're diabetic, then insulin is pretty high on the list.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

I got frustrated while trying to think of a name for the medicine I invented.

After smacking my head against the keyboard five times I had the answer.

A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine

Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time

Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?

A mental hospital

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns ...

Laughter is the best medicine

Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold ...

A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"

The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."

"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.

"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Le...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine......

I can't believe Gaviscon.

A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia

Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal

Did you hear about the guy who OD'ed on homeopathic medicine?

He had forgotten to take them.

The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep.

I decided to in-vitamin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is there cotton in medicine bottles?

To remind black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.

Why did Dracula need medicine?

Because he was coffin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of whiteout.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most medicines have side effects...

...except Viagra has front effects.
Good bye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think I have a medicine fetish.

I get a boner when i take Viagra.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor's Medicine

A young lady visits a doctor and complains, "*Doctor, I think I am suffering with a fever*".

To which the doctor exclaims, "*All right. Let's check your temperature. Could you turn over and remove your panties? I am going to use a rectal thermometer to get an accurate reading*".

As soo...

Laughter is the Best Medicine. OK Reddit, whats the best 9/11 Joke You've Ever Heard?

Q: How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Screw in a Light Blub?

A: None - they all jump out of the building when it gets too hot

Not the best, I admit. But yeah - top that.