UPJOKE
linefrontfacebroadsidepositionedgelateralsurfacehandrearbottomundersideslopebacksideincline

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

On which side a mug has its handle?

Outside.

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

They say that "The grass is always greener on the other side".

Especially true of roll on turf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

My wife told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side

so I crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Tampons,are walking down the street side by side. Which one says hi first?

None, they’re all stuck up cunts.

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of the river...

The brunette yells to the blonde, "How do you get to the other side of the river?"

To which the blonde replies, "Um, you ARE on the other side!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces

His first task… Crimea River

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant

"Table for twenty-six, please."

"There's only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."

Did you know the Norwegian navy has giant barcodes on the sides of it's ships?

Apparently so they can Scandinavian

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

You know how this time of year birds fly south in those V shapes, but one side of V is longer than the other? Know why that is?

More birds

My friend had the left side of his body torn off in a car accident

But he's all right now.

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle...

He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.

He said, “F**k off.”

I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”

I said, “He told me to f**k off.”

“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

Monkey.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past...

The lizard looks up and says, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me!"

So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke another joint.
<...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he w...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

On what side of its body does a dog have the most fur?

On the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blondes at a construction site

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

\- "Why a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

Was listening to this radio host about how guys should express their feminine side a bit more..

So I wrote it down on piece of paper and threw it in my purse

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck:

Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Chinese probes are still doing things on the dark side of the moon.

Seems pretty shady.

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

Two blonde girls are standing, one on each side of a river.

One of the blondes yells over to the other one, “How do I come about getting to the other side of the river?”.

The other blonde angrily yells back, “You see, it’s blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad. You ARE on the other side of the river.”

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

Mary had a little lamb...

with mashed potatoes on the side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

Did you know Princess Diana’s limo driver had a side job?

He was also a beaver trapper. He would sell his pelts at trade shows on his days off. Even when he wasn’t driving he liked to show fur.

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car with a big S on each side

Whenever people saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go”

I saw an old man walking down the street with a large wall-clock under his arm.

Despite his age, he has time on his side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls someone over for speeding...

He asks the driver: "Why were you driving this fast?"

"I'm late for work!", he responds

"What are you working as?"

"I'm an asshole-widener."

The cop is confused: "What's that supposed to be?"

"Well," he calmly explains, "I take an asshole and try to put my finger i...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

Bad physics joke

Two chicken nuggets were on a see saw. They looked into each other's eyes and realised they were in love. One of the chicken nuggets crawled over to the other side of the see saw and kissed the other one. It was a tender moment.

A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

So what if I sell feet pics on the side?

So shoe me

Two nuns were going to church.

Riding their bikes, one suggested they take a side street. The other nun asked, "Do you come this way often?" The first nun replies, "Yes, it's the cobblestones."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just for Bieber

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" s...

A man is hiking along a narrow mountain path.

As he's walking round a bend he sees a beautiful, and completely naked women walking towards him. As she gets closer he realised that with a steep rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other, there's no way the two of them will be able to pass safely. So he takes one last look at the woman a...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

What do you call a friar on the wrong side of the law?

A felonious monk

A snail decides he wants to be a racer...

So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big 'S' on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.

He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.

The coach stares and says 'Look at...

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

Wish

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, Why'd you do that? The trooper says, You're in...

I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee

And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

Recovering from Thanksgiving.....

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks. "Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?" "Yes," the butcher sighs. "So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

chicken with 3 legs

So this guy in a sports car is driving down an old country road. He looks over and there is a Rooster running right along side him. In his disbelief he looks at the speedometer...15mph.

So he speeds up to 25 and the Rooster speeds up. Next he realizes that the Rooster is speeding up and he al...

What do you call a Himalayan cryptid that throws people from the side of the mountain?

A Yeeti

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.