Side Jokes - 116 Hilarious Side Jokes

Cassette tapes have side A and side B…

… so it’s only logical their successor would be the CD.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

“He gently slid her to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

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A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

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[] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

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()I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk off the merry-go-round.

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

Recently NASA found bones on the dark side of the moon.

Turns out, the cow never made it.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer , ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

We've all seen geese flying in a V formation with one side being longer than the other. The question is: Why is one side longer?

There are more geese on that side.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck:

Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!

Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces

His first task… Crimea River

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said....

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

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Two skidmarks are stuck to the side of the toilet bowl.

One asks the other, how long are you planning on sticking around?

Other one says.. I dunno, just until I get pissed off.

When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?

When it's intersected by a plane

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

What has two legs and is gray on one side, red on the other?

Half an elephant

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him ?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.

After the first d...

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the pickup

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.

She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun...

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

A man had the right side of his body amputated

I said "if i was half the man he was, i'd be a quarter of a man"

I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers....

The wife said you're too good to those dogs

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August, 2023”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

They're calling it a culture war.

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Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident?

He's dead... Oh wait nvm, he is all right.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating !" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

I used to hitchhike by the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed and some food for a while.

Everyone in the US is choosing sides right now

I choose inside.

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead politician on the side of the road?

The skid marks infront of the dog.

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

The dark side only removes cache.

Two blonde girls are standing, one on each side of a river.

One of the blondes yells over to the other one, “How do I come about getting to the other side of the river?”.

The other blonde angrily yells back, “You see, it’s blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad. You ARE on the other side of the river.”

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

A mathematician and an engineer were placed in a room with a beautiful naked woman on the other side.

The proctor says over the intercom, “every time the bell rings you can move half the distance to the woman.”

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

From one side of the bakery to the other, a breadstick yelled out to a pretzel

“Hey Jane, when did you take up yoga?”

Picking sides

A couple walks into a bar on steak night and both decide to order the steak dinner. But, they can't decide between the optional baked potato, mashed potatoes or French fries that are offered with it. After a spirited debate on the merits of each, they ask for help. "Excuse me, waiter," the young man...

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

To get to the other side

Why did the time traveller cross the road?

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

Wrong side of the bed

Mother Superior wakes up one morning feeling great. She is fully rested and just knows the day will be a good one.

She gets up out of bed, throws on her robe, and goes down the hall to the bathroom. As she is walking down the hall she says good morning to one of the other nuns.
The nun sa...

I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle...

He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City

A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked. "Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man. Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug. The foreigner continues with the same result ...

Ya know why they put rumble strips on the side of roads?

It's braille. So that the blind can see where they're driving.

Why do the Swedish have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

(Sorry, my personal favourite joke)

When I die I want to be buried in two coffins attached side by side.

That way I can comfortably turn over in my grave.

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

Why did Captain Morgan wear a hat that came halfway down the side of his head?

Because of his privateers!

As long as there are humans, there will always be two sides that disagree with each other.

That is something everyone can agree on.

They say that "The grass is always greener on the other side".

Especially true of roll on turf.

Her side of the family!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

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The Dark side of KungFu

Master: I've been watching you for a while and have decided you aren't good enough.

Disciple: But I will try harder master.

Master: I'ts no good, you don't learn, your lazy and full of bad habits.
So instead I will break tradition and show you the forbidden Black Arts.

Discip...

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do y...

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materi...

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

So what if I sell feet pics on the side?

So shoe me

(Tagged to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

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Silver side up is Nickelback's best album

Especially when used as directed.

Why do we call them side quests...

when we can call them...

peripheral missions

On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looks to Becky and says "Many years ago Becky we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

One the plus side,

I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades.
- Helen Keller.

Two fish are side by side in a tank

One looks to the other and asks. “How do you drive this thing”

On what side of its body does a dog have the most fur?

On the outside.

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

They read them up side down

Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes?

Shout out to my arms for always being by my side...

& my legs for being there every step of the way

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river

...holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if **you're** going to fish...

Two tightropes are side by side.

One is made of polyester, the other nylon.

The tightrope walker makes it across the polyester rope with no trouble, but on her way back across the nylon line, the rope gives a little too much, and she falls to the net.

The polyester rope looks over in disappointment. "That was a disg...

To be on the safe side

What did the Caseys name their third boy, whom they had just to keep them company in the rare event that their first two children died young?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Justin Casey

I asked Google if a Bitcoin has two sides, but Google couldn't make heads or tails of it.

The top result just didn't make cents.

Did you know Princess Diana’s limo driver had a side job?

He was also a beaver trapper. He would sell his pelts at trade shows on his days off. Even when he wasn’t driving he liked to show fur.

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