Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

How did the chicken go to the other side

He committed suicide

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

I moved her panties to the side as I dumped my huge load of white...

clothes into the washing machine.

Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

Today I learned the side effects of smoking frogs

It turns out that it makes you super jumpy

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

A guy got his whole left side shot off

Thankfully he’s all right now

In movies these days, half the time the villains are on the right side

The other half they're on the left side.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".

I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".

He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- f...

To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of all their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian

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The kid has got a dark side.

ME: hey herd this one?
ME: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that likes to go swimming?
Kid: ?
Me: Bob.


Kid: Oh yeah I got one too.
ME: Really?
Kid: Knock, Knock...
ME: Who is it?
KID: Well its sure as shit not bob.
ME: uhh... damn

A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, "The end is near! Turn around before it's too late!"

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.

The priest thought to himself, "I knew my sign should have just said 'Bridge Out'."

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

When geese fly in a v-formation why is one side longer than the other?

Because there are more geese on that side.

(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)

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I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car wjth a big “S” painted on each side.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go!”

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

“Are they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good po...

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Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?

Because it's full of shit

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What’s on the other side of a glory hole?

An anonymous tip

What do you call the bad side of France?

The ba-ghetto

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

"The top" she said.

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

Side scrolling games on pc are all the same...

... kind of d-pressing

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the pickup

Why is the dark side of the moon dry?

Because the other side has all the moonshine

I always think my thumb is on the left side.

On the other hand, it might be on the right

My girlfriend found out I had a side chick, and told her to back off.

My wife was not happy about it.

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Two guys are on the side of the road in their car.

The first guy is thinking and he eventually comes to the conclusion: "I've seen white people, Mexicans, and even asians die, but never a black person."

The second guy thinks and says "yeah i guess i never have either. "

Then the third guy says "I see black people die all the time!"...

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How did the Samuel L. Jackson chicken get to the other side?

It crossed the MOTHER FUCKING road.

A BLOKE was staggering drunkenly along the side of the road at 2am.

the cops drove up alongside him and demanded to know what he was up to.

“It's all fine, officers,” he assured them. “I’m just off to a lecture.”

“Who the hell gives lectures at this time of night?” asked one of the cops.

“My wife,” said the drunk.

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Did you know that they made a side-series to Beyblade?

It's a spin-off

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.<...

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What does a double sided dildo have in common with republicans and democrats?

No matter what side you pick your fucked.

Have you heard of the guy who's left side was cut off?

Don't worry



He's *alright* now.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Did you hear about the man who cut the left side of his body?

He thought he's going to be all right, but due to the nature of our bodies, he quickly got drained of blood and died an awful death.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

Just quit my side job as an organ harvester. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It was too disheartening.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

People usually tell me everyone has a beautiful side.

Now I think I am a circle.

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

If you’ve been on reddit for a while you know theres a serious side, and a fun side to the site.

Both of which you shouldn’t take seriously

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

I am about to compete in the, flicking a ruler off the side of a desk, competition ...

It's held annually in France, in the Dordogne.

NSFW Two Rednecks See a Dog on the Side of the Road

licking its balls.

One redneck says, "I wish I could do that."
The other says, "Man, I think he'd bite you."

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

A Child Asked To His Father....

"How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his ...

A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.

The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this."

He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one."

The kid looks between the notes and eventually...

What do you call a doubtful side-chick?

A second thot.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

My cross eyed wife and I are getting a divorce..

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

What’s even worse though, is that found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Why did the doctor get fired from their side job at Starbucks?

They kept making the customers turn their head and coffee.

A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him

"John! John I havent seen you in so long, how have you been?"

"Um, hello, I'm fine thanks but who are you?" the man answered

"Well its me, Frank, don't you remember? We were in high school together!"

"Maybe, are you sure?"

"Yes, you've changed so much! You used to be fit!...

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I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

There are 500 bricks on a plane, and one falls off. How many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is having a ...

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of the river.

The first blond yells,"Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?"

The other blond yells,"Hello, you are on the other side of the river."

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

Ever ask someone a question just so you can say your side of it?

Cuz I have.

Two old ladies are out side their nursing home smoking cigarettes and having a drink

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
...

Worst Geometry Joke I Know

When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?

When it is intercepted by a plane.

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the b...

Han Solo was very depressed when his son went to the dark side. All of his friends were wondering . . .

Why’s Han so low?

Saw an advert on the side of the Apple Store saying 'Apply Inside'

Well it's not going to be orangey is it?

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Why do Italians sleep badly?

Because they are always switching sides

Visited North Korea over the summer, but had to leave one of my bags there.

On the bright side, that raised their GDP by 0.5%

Three years ago my entire left side was paralyzed in a car accident.

I’m alright now.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.

The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day ...

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Jason is driving when he sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road.

The man looks a bit rough, but Jason pulls over and lets him in.

After driving for a few minutes, the hitch hiker asks, "Hey, aren't you worried that I might be a serial killer?"

Jason chuckles lightly and replies, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are very slim."

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Digging holes

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there, he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music.

He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day, the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up po...

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

God Knows!!!

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"...

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