UPJOKE
occurrencephenomenonfestivalmiraclecaseissuesocial eventincidentactoccasiontournamentvenueannualcompetitionrace

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I'm holding a charity event for people who can't orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know

What do you call an event that involves money?

An occurrency!

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

Due to recent events,

James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

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I had just joined a gym 2 days ago.

I joined a gym to get in shape. Hired a personal trainer to be supervised throughout my time in the gym.

He taught me some basic exercises. Day 1 was good.

The next day, there was so much pain. I went to the gym and barely got started when he came and asked -

"Are you feeling a...

Who was the first person to take a knee at an athletic event?

Tonya Harding.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Yo mama so fat

Delivering her pizza is a Worlds Strongest Man event

Lightning striking a cow isn’t a rare event

It’s medium rare

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news?

They’re always on top of current events!

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

Aliens have arrived on earth. We arrange a huge extravagant event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we ever? Awesome guy! He wwings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "...

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

scared of flying

A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on ...

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

I was just telling my friend about a sporting event that had a hundred times more viewers than the Superbowl.

It was called the Hyperbole.

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped

and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.
Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when
the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen!
You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-
Fall of Turkey
Breakup of...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

Did you hear that a flock of ducks attacked the American Kennel Club event?

It happened because all the dogs were pure bread.

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

I hosted a huge event for gingers last week

Sadly not a single soul showed up.

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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Our teacher asked us to come up with a catchy headline for a inter-school football match, a child in my class came up with...

Teacher - Children please suggest a catchy headline for the football event coming up in which our school is participating

Child - Kick thier balls!

(True event)

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

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My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill

Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

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Four wealthy businessmen meet at a formal party at the bar, as it comes to a close.

After spending some time talking, one says "We haven't yet said what we do for a living, but **I bet a beer from each of you** that I can **guess** what your jobs are. I currently work for the IRS as an investigator, previously as a speculative analyst and behavioral psychiatrist, so I've been watch...

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Did you know having sex makes it harder to remember past events from that day

I read it somewhere today, I just don’t remember when or why.

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

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Did you hear about the excellent butter churning competition at the state fair?

It was a super spreader event!

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves ...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves and banning them from events, I will do my part and not play Russian Roulette for the foreseeable future.

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

Why is there so much security at a Samsung event?

They are Guardians of the Galaxy.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020

But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

If corals get stressed they die.

What do corals even get stressed about?

Current events.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

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What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do.

The clean and jerk.

Today, May 22nd, is National Solitaire Day.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

How much are tickets to wizards’ sporting events?

About a quid each

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War

Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.

Flasher in Park

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day. Suddenly a man appears and flashes them.

Surprised by this sudden turn of events the first little old lady had a stroke right away. Moments later the second old lady had a stroke as well. And the poor, poor, old ...

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

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A woman was in the middle of the affair, when her husband came home early

The lover was immediately sent to the closet. Little did the lover know, the child of the wife was there the entire time.

- It is really dark in here. - said the child.

- Yes, indeed. - answered the lover quitely after realising the situation.

- Do you like baseball? - asked th...

A dyslexic wine connoisseur went to a wine tasting event...

...one wine he tasted was only half decent at best.

When asked to write a short review he wrote: "It's oaky, but not nearly okay enough."

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

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