A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can't come, let me know

What do ghosts wear to formal events?

BOO-ties

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event

Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events?

Because they have BTSD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied for a job in an office, and they asked me, what steps to you take in the event of a fire?

Apparently fucking big ones wasn't the right answer

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

How do you know coronavirus is an historic event?

Forrest Gump is involved. .

It's been some time since I saw any good event

What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses
So?


Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder...

... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they scream at a pride event when they see a sexy fruit walking by?

Look at that man-go.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch ...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch early one morning when he sees the neighbor's kid walking up the dirt road. The farmer notices the boy is carrying something. "Hey boy,” the farmer says. “Whatcha got there?"

"This here is some chicken wire. I’m gonna go catch some chickens!”
...

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

What is the hardest event in women’s gymnastics?

The doctor’s appointments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

Ten years after Donald Trump died, he's allowed one day on Earth

He goes into a bar, orders a beer and, eager to catch up with the events, asks to the bartender:

"So what's going on with Afghanistan now?"

"Oh don't worry about that, that's all ours now."

"China?"

"Nope, doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"What about Europe?"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Im thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator of sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...

Franky was enjoying himself at a nightclub

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl who clearly didn't want to dance with him, so Franky walked up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.

The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”

He points to a random blonde woman in the...

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

I did a comedy routine for a paraplegics' charity event once

I got moderate applause, but I was disappointed when I didn't get a standing ovation.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

'Where's Wally' celebration day!

Event expected to draw large crowds.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the coronavirus, the yearly convention for people who sexually swing both ways has been postposed.

From now on, it's going to be a bianal event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Expidition of two scientists

Two scientists start an expedition to explore a deserted island.

On the second day of their expidition, they ran into a group of indigenous, the natives bound the two scientists and bring them to their village. The chief of the tribal approaches and says „**DEATH or BUMM BUMM?**“. The two sc...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

The Taxi Driver and the Nun

One Halloween night a taxi driver is driving down the street. On a corner he sees a nun. Being a gallant fellow, he pulls up and offers her a ride. The nun graciously accepts and off they go. After a little bit the driver turns to the nun.

"Forgive me sister," he begins, "but it has always be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”.

So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave Bickler, Jim Peterik, and Frankie Sullivan. Axl, Bon, and Stevie groan as they expected someone with more credentials.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.

The ultrasound check confirmed that...

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

Donald Trump went to see a Psychic recently

Donald Trump went to a psychic recently to ask what she saw in his future. She closed her eyes and went into a trance before saying the following: "I see a parade in your honor in Washington D.C. There are hundreds of thousands of people lining the streets. They are all smiling, and cheering, and wa...

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

I knew Calabasas was a rich area of LA

But I had no idea it literally rains millionaires.

(Obvious disclaimer: the event is tragic, but this is a joke)

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

A boy decides to ask his girlfriend to prom

She accepts, and so he goes to buy them tickets. The line is awful. It stretches out of the office and down the school hallway, but the boy decides to wait. Finally he gets his tickets.
Then he decides he needs a tuxedo for the event. He goes to the rental shop, and every other kid had the same ...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

Why doesnt Doomguy/slayer have PTSD?

***He*** is the traumatic event.

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.