My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’

‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

Two Sales Development Representatives walk into an event..

They pitch to each other.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

I did a comedy routine for a paraplegics' charity event once

I got moderate applause, but I was disappointed when I didn't get a standing ovation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society

But there wasn't much to discuss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

I’ve always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes in sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

How would you know who is a billionaire in a black tie event?

Look for the dude wearing a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event.

They are calling it Sarah Jessica Parkour.

What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

Thousands of clowns were killed today in the worst seismic event of the past 100 years.

Scientists are calling it the mirthquake of the century.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The series of events during Tekashi 6ix9ine’s trial:

Judge: I wanna be in a gang

Tekashi: I’m already in a gang

Judge: Fine then I’ll be a rapist

Tekashi: I’m already a rapist

Judge: I think we’re done here

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

In the event you get attacked by a mob of clowns

Go for the juggler.

A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event

31 people registered as going, but nobody came

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder

So I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent events, I am so scared that I have stopped masturbating....

....I am worried my dick will sue me for groping, sexual harassment and over-use!

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

I was trying to teach my class a lesson on clocks today

But I just felt like I was teaching in circles.

(Based on actual events)

what do you eat at a formal event in thailand?

black thai curry

A group of people gather in the Caribbean just so they can discuss current events...

It's like they're on a Topical Island

You know, weddings are very emotional events.

Even the cake is in tiers!

There's an annual event for Peeping Toms this month

It's just around the corner

What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.

My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

Gunfire reported at track and field event

They said it was race related

In school there was a show and tell event.

Teacher: Adeline what did you bring?

Adeline: A MP3!

Teacher: Nice! What about you Ben?

Ben: A MP4.

Teacher: Interesting. What about you Carl?

Carl: I brought my MP5. Dan brought his MP7, Eva brought her MP18 and Fritz brought his MP40.

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

Roy Moore is not happy with the events that transpired tonight

He liked it better when the night was young

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

I suck at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events?

Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent events I figured I should apologize to the woman who I masturbated in front of without permission.

To be fair though, you should have knocked Mom.

Events like 9/11 don't grow on trees

They grow on Bushes

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