Event Jokes - 127 Hilarious Event Jokes

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

How would you know who is a billionaire in a black tie event?

Look for the dude wearing a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

What do you call an event that involves money?

An occurrency!

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How Men Know Childbirth Isn’t The Most Painful Event

An older couple were enjoying a walk one evening when they observed a younger man getting kicked in the groin. The husband says, “That is the by far the most painful experience anyone can have.” The wife huffs and says “You ever give birth to a child?” The husband responds, “Honey, after our first...

Why do ducks hate going to social events with other animals?

They always end up getting stuck with the bill.

I knew my dad would start having a rant when I informed him I was going to a pride event.

"You're an impala, they'll eat you", he kept screaming.

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

One of the most underrated events of the past must be the invention of the lock.

It was a ….key turning point of history.

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

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I went to a charity event for women who lost their legs, when someone stole all of their wheelchairs.

After that, the place was crawling with pussy

Due to recent events,

James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

What does an executioner get to learn about events?

A noose-paper

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events?

Yea, he was stalin' !

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

Lightning striking a cow isn’t a rare event

It’s medium rare

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

Who was the first person to take a knee at an athletic event?

Tonya Harding.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

I hosted a huge event for gingers last week

Sadly not a single soul showed up.

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

I suck at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

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A little know tale of the Legendary duo of King Akbar and his witty Minister Birbal.

So, King Akbar's daughter had reached the marriageable age. As was the custom at the time a competition was held to choose the right groom for her. The task was to pole vault over a 10 feet wall topped with barbed wire.

All eligible princes' were invited to the event, but no one was successfu...

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

Why is there so much security at a Samsung event?

They are Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did you hear that a flock of ducks attacked the American Kennel Club event?

It happened because all the dogs were pure bread.

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

A dyslexic wine connoisseur went to a wine tasting event...

...one wine he tasted was only half decent at best.

When asked to write a short review he wrote: "It's oaky, but not nearly okay enough."

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020

But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

How do you know coronavirus is an historic event?

Forrest Gump is involved. .

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I have to admit I hosted a super spreader event last weekend.

Luckily no one who attended the orgy caught CoVid.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "What'd you do this weekend?"

The guy says, "I picked off a scab."

"Oh, so it wasn't very eventful?"

"Well, actually, I'm on strike with the sniper's union."

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

Two Sales Development Representatives walk into an event..

They pitch to each other.

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My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill

Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer

I was just telling my friend about a sporting event that had a hundred times more viewers than the Superbowl.

It was called the Hyperbole.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

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The wrestling event

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lo...

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War

Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

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What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do.

The clean and jerk.

What is Donald Trump's favourite Olympics event?

Fencing.

Me: hey you following the Apple event?

Friend : what's that?.. No I'm not following it

Me : New Apple products and improvements are getting announced today

Friend : anything free?

Me : iWish

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

In the event you get attacked by a mob of clowns

Go for the juggler.

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...

Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.

What’s a Demogorgon’s favorite event?

A Barb-ecue!

What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

Two redditors go outside to a social event

Oh wait, redditors don't go outside.

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

My one problem with the recent Apple event.

They could've called AirPower "Apple Juice".

What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Gentlemen !

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-

Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece

and

Frustration of ...

How do NASA organise events

They Planet

What do you call a math-themed event organized by Casey Neistat?

A vlogarithmic function

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

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