Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think you qualify, raise your hand.”

Everyone raises their hands except a middle-aged man who seems to show little interest. “Congratulations! You are the winner,” says the emcee to the man. “Your prize is this $100 bill!”

Still showing no emotion, the man replies, “Would you mind coming over here and putting it in my pocket?”

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can't come, let me know

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There is female amputee event happening this weekend

I heard the place will be crawling with pussy

Safety Meeting @ Work: They asked me what steps I would take in the event of a fire...

Apparently REALLY BIG ones was not the right answer. 🙄

What do ghosts wear to formal events?

BOO-ties

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...

Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.

Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event

Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events?

Because they have BTSD.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

What do electricians talk about?







Current events.

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

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Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

I was gonna get a Mail-Order Bride

but in light of recent events, I'm gonna order me an Amazon Woman

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

The Chicago Bears new quarterback.

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time. The Bears signed him immedi...

How do you know coronavirus is an historic event?

Forrest Gump is involved. .

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder...

... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

A man gets sentenced to life in prison

On his first night there, his cell mate tells him there's a stand up comedy event.

They are sitting watching, and an inmate gets up and stands on the stage

"15", he calls out. The whole audience starts laughing.
"23", he continues. Hysterical laughter everywhere.

The man...

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In the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones

You Might Be An Accountant If

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hot...

There is a Spanish family on holiday in England

When they are in England, the trains are packed and everyone is drunk and half naked. Everywhere is mayhem and the little Spanish boy is confused why. "Dad, why is everyone celebrating, is there an event or something happening?" The dad replies, "The sun has come out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they scream at a pride event when they see a sexy fruit walking by?

Look at that man-go.

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

Three of a kind

Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity du...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

They did not take me in the army.

I was given the 4P grade, apparently the first one ever. That means in the event of war, I am a hostage.

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

Why do fish gets stressed ?

Current events

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

An old man lay on his deathbed, surrounded by his children.

However, he had never met any of his children due to his avid drinking habits, and this was the first time they had seen or heard of him for 10 years. Not knowing anything about him, they were surprised when he turned to his oldest son James, and said
"Here son. You have all the houses I have on...

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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

Im thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator of sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

George loved to eat watches

Every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner George would eat his favorite brand of watch.

Feeling fancy? A Rolex does the job better than any restaurant.

Special occasion? A grandfather clock would fit any event perfectly.


Going on a diet? Apple watches are the way to go!
...

Last week I attended an event where I got to see a lot of people from highschool that I haven't seen and talked to in a long time.

Anyway, it was a nice graduation.

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch ...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch early one morning when he sees the neighbor's kid walking up the dirt road. The farmer notices the boy is carrying something. "Hey boy,” the farmer says. “Whatcha got there?"

"This here is some chicken wire. I’m gonna go catch some chickens!”
...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

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Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

Two Sales Development Representatives walk into an event..

They pitch to each other.

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

Covid 19 and trump

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect...

A guy is at a wedding looking for something to drink.

He looks around the main area for an open bar or something similar, yet he can’t find anything.

“Hmm weird” he thinks to himself, “you’d think they would serve drinks at these type of events”

Suddenly he realizes he just saw a guy with a drink in his hand, so he goes up to him and ask...

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Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

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A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

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