UPJOKE
occurrencephenomenonfestivalmiraclecaseissuesocial eventincidentactoccasiontournamentvenueannualcompetitionrace

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

Who was the first person to take a knee at an athletic event?

Tonya Harding.

There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, “What steps would you take in the event of a fire?”

“Big ones” was the wrong answer

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

Lightning striking a cow isn’t a rare event

It’s medium rare

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

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I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate.

If you can't come, let me know.

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

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Did you hear about the excellent butter churning competition at the state fair?

It was a super spreader event!

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

Today, May 22nd, is National Solitaire Day.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

If corals get stressed they die.

What do corals even get stressed about?

Current events.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

Did you hear that a flock of ducks attacked the American Kennel Club event?

It happened because all the dogs were pure bread.

Flasher in Park

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day. Suddenly a man appears and flashes them.

Surprised by this sudden turn of events the first little old lady had a stroke right away. Moments later the second old lady had a stroke as well. And the poor, poor, old ...

Our band always gets announced last at every event we preform at, no matter where we are in the show...

Probably should not have chosen Partridge in a Pear Tree as our band name.

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves ...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves and banning them from events, I will do my part and not play Russian Roulette for the foreseeable future.

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

What's the difference between a car's rear bumper and a Facebook page?

One is a terrible place to express complex political opinion, and the other protects the rear of a car by absorbing shock in the event of an accident.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

I hosted a huge event for gingers last week

Sadly not a single soul showed up.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

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A woman was in the middle of the affair, when her husband came home early

The lover was immediately sent to the closet. Little did the lover know, the child of the wife was there the entire time.

- It is really dark in here. - said the child.

- Yes, indeed. - answered the lover quitely after realising the situation.

- Do you like baseball? - asked th...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

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Did you know having sex makes it harder to remember past events from that day

I read it somewhere today, I just don’t remember when or why.

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

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A wife gets instructions from her husband's doctor

Doc: Ma'am, your husband can live a long life, but you have to follow a set of instructions. First, you have to cook his favorite meals, depending on his requests. You'll also have to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and he should get lots of activities. Movies, sport events, you name it. If he pl...

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

Why is there so much security at a Samsung event?

They are Guardians of the Galaxy.

There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020

But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

Funeral home mishap

A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

10

One to change the bulb and nine to make t shirts for the event.

Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War

Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

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What event does a weightlifter with a masturbation addiction and fast recharge rate do.

The clean and jerk.

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

I have to admit I hosted a super spreader event last weekend.

Luckily no one who attended the orgy caught CoVid.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

A dyslexic wine connoisseur went to a wine tasting event...

...one wine he tasted was only half decent at best.

When asked to write a short review he wrote: "It's oaky, but not nearly okay enough."

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

Make Love To Me

A woman is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me, this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all, right ther...

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

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Why is so difficult to win any events in the viagra Olympics?

Stiff competition

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

As a mcdonald's worker I get a lot of idiots going through drive through

As is common for mcdonalds the ice cream machine was down
a customer came in and asked for a strawberry shake, I told him the ice cream machine was down

he then asked for a fudge Sundae, I again told him the ice cream machine was down

next he asked for a vanilla cone, I told him the...

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It

It's been some time since I saw any good event

What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses
So?


Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Halley's Comet

From: General Manager


To: Departmental Heads


On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area-an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phen...

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

In honor of one of my late uncle’s best jokes:

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. ...

There was a mixup with the organisation of the Monster Mash this year

Attendees said it was a freak event

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

If time traveling was common, what historic event would be a tourist magnet?

The birth of Jesus. All the hotels in the area would be fully booked.

Border Crossing

A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers the young man. The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags,...

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