What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm holding an charity event for people who can't orgasm.

Please let me know if you can't come.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

I did a comedy routine for a paraplegics' charity event once

I got moderate applause, but I was disappointed when I didn't get a standing ovation.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

I just took a Polaroid of a breaking news event!

More on this story as it develops

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

I can always find the mothers and fathers in a public event

because it's apparent

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society

But there wasn't much to discuss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

How would you know who is a billionaire in a black tie event?

Look for the dude wearing a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

I’ve always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes in sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

Any of the kids in Scooby's gang could have won their preferred olympic event

If it wasn't for those medaling kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The series of events during Tekashi 6ix9ine’s trial:

Judge: I wanna be in a gang

Tekashi: I’m already in a gang

Judge: Fine then I’ll be a rapist

Tekashi: I’m already a rapist

Judge: I think we’re done here

What do you call a math-themed event organized by Casey Neistat?

A vlogarithmic function

For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event.

They are calling it Sarah Jessica Parkour.

What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

In the event you get attacked by a mob of clowns

Go for the juggler.

Two Blizzard employees are driving through a city and are trying to get to an event.

They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions.

After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: "Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Bliz...

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder

So I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people

My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event

31 people registered as going, but nobody came

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

A man and his wife, in the desert...

They are both riding camels. His wife's camel suddenly stumbles, throwing her on the sand.
"That's one", she says.
Some time goes by, and the same event happens.
"That's two", she says.
After a while the camel stumbles again, but this time his wife gets her pistol out and shoots the came...

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent events, I am so scared that I have stopped masturbating....

....I am worried my dick will sue me for groping, sexual harassment and over-use!

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

what do you eat at a formal event in thailand?

black thai curry

You know, weddings are very emotional events.

Even the cake is in tiers!

There's an annual event for Peeping Toms this month

It's just around the corner

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events.

I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent events I figured I should apologize to the woman who I masturbated in front of without permission.

To be fair though, you should have knocked Mom.

What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.

My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

Roy Moore is not happy with the events that transpired tonight

He liked it better when the night was young

Just saw a guy from Helsinki dominate the cross-country skiing event at the Winter Olympics

He led the race from start to Finnish.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

Gunfire reported at track and field event

They said it was race related

Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events?

Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

Events like 9/11 don't grow on trees

They grow on Bushes

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

I suck at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

A Chrome tab is just like a traumatic event

It hangs in the background, unnecessarily taking over your memory.

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

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