Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No. It wooden start.

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

A gorgeous blonde woman steps out of a taxi, banging her head quite hard against the door frame.

As she stands holding her hand to her scalp, a gentleman, who'd seen it happen, approaches and asks, "Excuse me Miss, is your head okay?!"

The blonde replies, "Well, I haven't had any recent complaints."

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

Disney have announced they’re rebooting Who Framed Roger Rabbit with Ric Flair played the role of Eddie Valiant. It’s going to be called

Wooooooooo Framed Roger Rabbit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the cel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

What's the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?

you only need one nail to hang the frame

Nurse talking to an old lady in hospital.

Nurse: Have you ever been bed ridden before.?


Old Lady: Yes, quite a few times, but I prefer it

bent over my walking frame.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

This one is mine, so it's not great, but I like it....

A guy named Bob works in an oil refinery, and since he only lives about a mile from the plant, he just rides his bicycle in every day. There only inconvenience is he has to carry his bike across a catwalk that stretches over numerous vats of oil being refined.

One day, he stumbles and *gloop...

Frank Castle was framed for the murder of wife and kids. Supposedly he killed them with terrible dad jokes.....

That's why he's called the Pun-isher

What happens if you severely overclock a PC?

It goes up in frames!

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

Nevada counted the ballots in a perfectly acceptable time frame

Sincerely, the last dollar you pump at the gas station

Last week I got a picture framed

Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent

Why was a group of lemurs framed for organized crime within seconds?

They were a conspiracy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman buys a picture frame from the Hardware Store.

The store man says, would you like a screw for that?

She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

I got framed for murder...

My picture now hangs on the wall in the PD

I finally framed my certificate for being able to shoot my sperm 15m,

And I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

How do you know a painting's innocent?

Cause it was framed.

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

I have some wire frames and a curved lens.

Is that anything to make a spectacle of?

I went up to this girl and asked if she could take a picture of me, and she said yes.

So I handed her a framed portrait of me and walked away.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

A bar walks into Einstein.

Oops, bad choice of reference frame.

I framed a picture of a caduceus and wore it for Halloween

I was a picture of health.

A cow and a chicken were framed

And thrown into prison. They knew they had to get out to bring the criminals to justice so they spent weeks designing escape plans. Finally, a month after they had been thrown in, they escaped in the middle of the night. However, they weren't silent enough and they had to flee from the prison guards...

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL during the shooting of "Who framed Roger Rabbit?", Porky Pig was accused of sexually harassing Tinkerbell

On contacting Porky Pig, he replied "Th- Th- Th- That's all Hoax!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed

Because he was framed

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

A man was framed for a crime

It was a damn good photo of his mugshot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6pm in an irish pub,

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”
Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat...

A cowhand rides into town and sees a "Help Wanted" poster outside the saloon.

"Man wanted for general farm duties," he reads. "Must be strong, capable, experienced in animal handling and willing to learn. Apply to Widow Sallet, Sallet Farm, two miles east of town."

So he goes along to the farm, as it sounds like steady work and he's tired of living hand to mouth, and f...

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death

I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Where is the line between art and not art

Usually the frame

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Engineers

3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body.

The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?

The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

How do you pronounce that word?

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.


A particularly beautiful waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,


"What would you like, sir?


"He looks at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

Why can’t they make a bowling video game?

Because they couldn’t measure it in frames per second.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irish lads walking home from a pub...

Along the way, the older of the two starts babbling.

"You see that barn over there, Laddie? I built that barn with me own two hands. Framed it, roofed it, did it all me self. But do they call me a barn builder, Laddie? No, no they don't."

The two continue walking.

"You see that ...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or...

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

What is a polar bear?

It is a Cartesian bear in a different frame of reference.

I ran into a famous artist at the airport and politely asked if I could take a picture. He said yes and smiled at me.

I don't understand why he suddenly got so angry when I asked if I may keep the frame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I still remember the first time I made love to my girlfriend.

I said, "I would like to take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

She said, "I would like to take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

A house was charged with murder...

Personally I think it was framed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.