What's the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?

you only need one nail to hang the frame

I like my women like I like my frames...

...Over 60.

I have some wire frames and a curved lens.

Is that anything to make a spectacle of?

Who did the Hamburglar frame for the theft of Fred Flintstone's Dino-Burger?

Rubble Rubble!

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

William always wanted to be a bouncer...

He trained and trained ever since he was a teenager: lifting weights, getting bigger and stronger.

Mere days after his 21st birthday, a sign appeared at the local bar “Bouncer wanted.” What luck! At this point William looked the part the part and more. His training had paid dividends in a big...

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Dear Abby

Dear Abby

I'm a man in my early 40s who has been dating a lady in her mid 20s for nearly 2 years. She is desperate to have a baby so we have been having sex at least once day for a month.

I've not figured out how to tell her I had a vasectomy years ago after my first child.

Last...

An old man goes into a restaurant...

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.

"What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her...

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.

St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:

St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space,...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

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A man walks into his cell to meet his new cellmate....

.. who is 6'4 and 240 pounds, a man they call 'Bubba'.

Bubba tells him "In this cell we are going to play House. Now, do you want to play the husband or the wife?".



The new fish looks up at Bubba's wide frame and large build. He takes a gulp, thinks for a moment and anxiou...

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My absent minded friend

A friend of mine was asked by his wife to tidy up the bathroom. She headed out on her Saturday afternoon shopping trip while he set to work.

One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch the football in the pub.

When he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What a great gift - a Tazer

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra ...

An old lady in a nursing home...

Was going up and down the corridor on her zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

"You were speeding just then madam," he says "could I have your driver's license?" She hands over her library card which he studies carefully, and hands it back to her with a ra...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was trying to get a girl to like him for a very long time...

Finally, he asked her out one night and the girl said yes. They went on a first date, and then a second, and a third, untill the girl finally invited the man over to her house to eat dinner. The man was very excited. After all this time, he finally was going to be able to bang the girl. At the speci...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

Gandhi's diagnosis

Now Gandhi hardly ate a thing, his frame was rather frail
But then he'd eat the strangest foods, his breath was often stale
And he walked around barefoot, so this was his diagnosis:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexxed by halitosis.

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"

As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.

The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating vo...

A bar walks into a physicist......

Oops, wrong frame of reference.

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

Jimmy and Johnny and sitting in the playground after school...

as kids do. At one point Jimmy calls Johnny over, "You need to see this." He immediately pulls out a brand new rolex.

Johnny ask, "Where'd you get that watch?"

Jimmy replied. "I can't tell you."

"C'mon, did you get it for your birthday?"

"Nope."

"...from your gra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] [long] 3 dudes are lost in the desert

After weeks of dwindling supplies and failing hopes, they happened upon a luxurious tent. They were afraid, because their hunger had driven them to near madness. Sensing their apprehension, the eldest man says to the others,"I'll go check it out. Stay back."
The two younger men hang back and watc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DigDug (a bit nsfw)

So an explorer and his trusted assistant were in the middle of a jungle exploring places unknown.

So they came upon a bunch of natives. These natives were mean looking with knives, clubs and spears. They looked like stereotypical cannibals. The natives grabbed them and brought them to their c...

A group of friends are drinking at a neighborhood bar.

At closing time, one by one each friend says goodbye and leaves. The last man in the bar finishes his drink stands up and takes a step towards the door, He immediately falls flat on his face.

Lying on the floor he mumbles to himself "Dang, I must be more drunk than I thought. Maybe if I craw...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed...

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even ...

Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country...

A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame.

 

So they ask the owner about it, and he says "a...

The Three Forbidden Tortures

A man's car breaks down and is forced to walk to the nearest phone for help. Unfortunately, being in the country, he ends up walking a ways before he finds a small farm. He knocks on the door and an old Chinese farmer opens the door. The man explains his predicament and asks to use his telephone ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets lost hiking in

the Chinese forest in the middle of winter. After days without food or water, fighting the cold, he sees a large house in the distance. With the last bit of his strength he treks to the house and collapses on the front step after knocking on the door. An extremely old man answers the door and helps ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leave...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man are traveling in Africa when they are captured by a fierce tribe of headhunters.

The witch doctor says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in knowing that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of you body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of you hair, we will render your bones for glue and we will tan you...

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

My wife asks me I've seen her glasses anywhere

I reply with "Yeah, but only the frames. The glass is see through"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Headaches

This guy has been suffering these terrible, excruciating headaches for months and finally decides to go to the doctor, despite his aversion to doing so. He explains to the doctor what's going on, so the doctor decides to run the gamut of tests on him to see if they can pinpoint what's wrong.
<...

Taxi driver and the tourist

One day, A taxi driver picked up a tourist in a airport and the tourist told the driver to drive him to the hotel. While on the way to the hotel the tourist started bragging about his stuff he owns.

Tourist: you see this camera? It can take 120 frames per second video, very fast!

The...

Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. An...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die and are waiting to see St Peter

As they wait in line, they decide to pass the time by telling stories of how they died.

The first man said "So there I was, walking home from work when I saw my wife through the window of my apartment with another man. I've been suspecting her of cheating for some time but now I finally had p...

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel bar...

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harassment

Teacher: Frame a sentence using the word 'Harassment'.
.
.
.
Johnny: I was in love with a girl and Her Ass Meant a lot to me.......

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used.

Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.

Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked.

You...

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

> 40-ish........................................49

> Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone

> Athletic......................................No tits

> Average looking...............................Moooo

> Beautiful....................

This past Christmas I told my wife that all I wanted for Christmas was an Xbox.

That's it. Beginning and end of the list; Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of our wedding. That was fine, because I got her an Xbox.

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ain't no one fucks with ol' chinese men.

A man was hiking, and suddenly he stumbled upon a little house. From the house came an old chinese man, who greeted him and said "you must be tired. Feel welcome to eat and sleep in my house for the night. But there's one thing: If you sleep with my daughter, then i shall punish you three times."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

curing a s-st-stutter

A man walks into a doctor's office and tells him, "D-d-doc-doctor... m-my wife s-s-s-sent me here to s-s-see if y-y-y-y-you c-c-can fix m-m-my s-st-stutter."

"Damn, I can barely understand you myself," said the doctor. Go on into the exam room, take off your clothes. I'll be in there in a min...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman travels to Japan...[nsfw]

the American businessman arrives a day early for his meeting with his Japanese business colleague and being quite the tourist he decides to hit the the town. He goes to a couple of sushi bars and loosens up a bit, he meets an attractive women at one of the karaoke bars and after quite a while of tr...

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say’s “I miss my missus, but when we make love it’s always the same”. Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks “how’s that?” “We alway...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the ot...

After the checkup

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him o...

A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI are questioning a Texas man today in connection with ricin-laced letters that were sent to President Obama and New York mayor Michael Bloomberg...

The letters, as well as being tainted, contained threats against people who try to take away the writers' guns. The news comes just a week after a sex-offender janitor was arrested for sending ricin-laced letters to the president, and a month after a Mississippi taekwondo instructor was arrested for...