I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole emergency room to get it out

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

They put in a roundabout on my route to my parents' house.

It really threw me for a loop.

Note: tried this on my parents that night and went right over their heads.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

What do women put in their ears to look attractive?

**Knees**

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

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How many virgins does it take to put in a lightbulb

An infinite amount because none of them can screw

I put in some elbow grease

But the worst part was that I couldn’t lick it off

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

How do Karens put in a light bulb?

They Just put it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. Now I’m in it for the long hall.

12 year old scotch whisky is the only 12 year old you can put in your mouth

and get away with it scot free.

What is the best thing to put in a pizza?

Teeth.

What do golfers put in their packed lunches...?

...Sand wedges

I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth

He put in tooth with 4 cavities.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

What does a superhero put in their favorite drinks?

Ice.

_Just ice._

With the threat of the new coralvirus, who did the fish put in charge of finding a cure?

The Sturgeon General

A man named Michael Foot was put in charge of a committee on the disposal of nuclear weapons

"Foot Heads Arms Body"

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

I had a really nice sign to put in my yard.

But the Astros stole it.

What did Batman put in Mr. Freeze's drink?

Just ice.

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

What’s the worst thing to put in a Mexicans drink?

ICE

Credit: My friend

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.


Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew'

But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.

Hoy many beans should you put in your delicious fall chili?

239.
Any more would be too farty.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

Why are trains always put in insane asylums?

Because they have loco-motives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

What do cannibals put in their soup?

Ramen!

--------

Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

What does Batman put in his whiskey?

Just ice.

(Forgive me if this is unoriginal, but i thought i made it up just this moment).

In America, you put in screws.

In Soviet Russia, Putin screws you.

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the Nazis and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."

"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."

"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."

"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my sid...

What did the yogi say when he was put in jail?

Now I must stay

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

What do you put in an oragami gun?

Paper clips.

Two muffins are put in an oven.

The first muffin says, "Man, are you hot or is it just me?" The second muffin replies, "This isn't the time for flirting, Dave."

What does a vegan cowboy put in his cereal?

Y’ALLMOND MILK

How manny adhd kids does it take to put in a light bulb?

I dunno wanna ride bikes?

Two fish are put in a tank

But, darn it, neither knows how to drive it.

As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.

As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.


The sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my butchers and put in my order, then asked "what's happened to your assistant ?"

He said "I had to sack him, he kept sticking his dick in the sausage slicer on his break!"

I said "what happened to the sausage slicer?"

He replied "I had to sack him as well!"

What do astrounauts put in their toasts?

Space jam.

when you make coffee for someone and put in milk

"actually, I prefer my coffee black"

"it's too latte for that now"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no sexual desires, they are put in a room naked and bells are placed on the end of their penises...

The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely naked and the test begins.

This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul’s bell rings,

Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that ...

Why was the guitarist put in jail?

For fingering A minor

What do cats put in their drinks?

Mice cubes.

What does a duck put in its burrito?

Quackamole.

What special ingredient do cannibals put in their burritos?

People de gallo

The sadomasochist was arrested and put in front of a judge

he got off with a slap on the wrist

What part of the vegetable can you not put in a mixer?

The wheelchair

On average, how many books can you put in an empty backpack?

One. After that it's no longer empty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe.

It was only a marginal error.

There's a new form of birth control that you put in your shoe...

It makes you limp.

People are wondering if Caitlin Jenner should be put in male or female prison if she is charged.

I think they should send her to a halfway house.

4 buddies put in together for a joint rental application

They just wanted to pass it around and take a few hits, then give it back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything t...

What does Dolly Parton put in her swimming pool?

Chlorine chlorine chlorine chlorineeeee

Why was the baby put in jail?

For resisting a rest.

^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day at school, me and my twin sister were put in the same English class.

The teacher then asked everyone to give one interesting fact about themselves.

'I'm actually a twin, and me and Jem were born on the 23rd of February making us Pisces.' I said.

'Jem and I' responded the teacher.

'No, definitely Pisces' I said.

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

I hooked up a new stereo system in my car. I realized later i put in 2 diffrent speakers!

Damn. Wrong sub.

What do organic mathematicians put in their fireplaces?

Natural logs.

What college tuition assistance system program did Simba put in place once he became the Lion King?

The MUFAFSA.

If I am ever put in charge of hiring at my company ...

... I will randomly divide the stack of applications into two piles and then throw one of them away.

I just don't want to work with unlucky people.

I always eat what's put in front of me...

...and that's why I'm no longer allowed to be a gynaecologist.

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