Put In Jokes - 36 Hilarious Put In Jokes

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

What does a pervert donkey put in his Tinder profile?

I eat ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

What do necromancers put in their shoes?

Souls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

New joke from my 3rd grader: How many books can you put in an empty book bag?

Just one: then it’s not empty any more!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put in maximum effort when I shave my pubic region.

I really put my balls to the Wahl.

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole emergency room to get it out

What do cannibals put in their soup?

Ramen!

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Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

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A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.

It was a bum rap.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew'

But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Did you hear about the time Falcon was put in jail?

He was arrested for fowl play.

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can't put into words

thank you for making my day, u/happy_guy23

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.

Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

In America, you put in screws.

In Soviet Russia, Putin screws you.

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

What do women put in their ears to look attractive?

**Knees**

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

How do Karens put in a light bulb?

They Just put it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. Now I’m in it for the long hall.

They put in a roundabout on my route to my parents' house.

It really threw me for a loop.

Note: tried this on my parents that night and went right over their heads.

What do golfers put in their packed lunches...?

...Sand wedges

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many virgins does it take to put in a lightbulb

An infinite amount because none of them can screw

What is the best thing to put in a pizza?

Teeth.

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