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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

What do you do when a dumb person throws a grenade at you?

Pull out the pin and throw it back

Every time I get a stack of resumes for a job at the place I work at, I throw half of then away

I can't have unlucky people working in my business

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

I tried to throw a slab of beef at my boss

That was a missed steak

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up

But they don't understand the gravity of the situation

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

What's it called when an anti-vaxxer's child throws a temper tantrum?

Mid-life crisis

What is a ghosts favourite thing to throw?

A boo-merang

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

Someone just throw a handful of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I'm OK though, they are just super fish oil injuries.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

Can a ninja throw a star?

SHUR-HE-CAN

Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

I tried throwing a boomerang years ago

Still live in never ending fear

What do you call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire......

Bernadette

Why did the guy throw jelly into the street?

He wanted to create a traffic jam.



(yes I know that they are different substances)

What happens if you throw a sheep, a drum and a snake down a cliff?

Ba dum tss.

My 60 year old rich friend is getting married and throws a big wedding reception

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?


“Simple,” smiling he said, “I faked my age"


His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her


"Well", he replied.  "I said I was...

I used to be really good at throwing boomerangs.

But after years of not practicing, I forgot how to do it.

I found one the other day, and tried to throw it again. Suddenly, it all came back to me.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

What happens if you throw a white stone into the Black Sea?

It gets wet, what’d you think?

Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi...

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

Why did the blonde throw out all her rings?

She read that Juuls can kill you.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return when you throw it?

A stick...

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

A woman was throwing darts at a bar when an attractive young man approached her. He said, "Excuse me, miss?"

And so she did.

“That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“You call that marksmanship? He got 10 tries and didn’t even hit that girl once!”

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Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

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A detective uncovers that his gf is a prostitute, throws the cuffs on and says...

You're coming with me.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

A man see's a guy throwing a ball for his dog at the park.

He throws the ball, the dog chases it but as he gets close to the ball he falls to the ground and starts choking. The owner doesn't seem too fazed and the man watching is about to rush to help the dog when the dog gets up, snatches the ball and brings it back to the owner. The owner throws the ball ...

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

Throwing acid is wrong..

In some people's eyes.

What does the Secret Service say when someone throws something at the President?

Donald, duck!

It hate it when people throw their clocks in the bin.

It's a waste of time.

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

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Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

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Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Keep the bath water. In this day and age you can sell that shit.

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Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2...

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

What happens if you throw a cigarette off a boat?

It becomes a cigarette lighter.

What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away? [OC AFAIK]

A Blue Meringue

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

Why is it impossible to throw a beer at Trump?

Because he's a draft dodger

A man comes home from the grocery store with a 12 pack of Coca Cola and throws a can at his friend.

Friend: What the hell?! What was that for?!

Man: Relax, it was only a soft drink.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

Put your right hand in throw your backbone out.

It was probably a bad idea to play the hokey pokey at an old folks home.

I once lived a stones throw away from a family.

They all died of mysterious head injuries.

Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.

I hate the discus throw ...

makes me want to hurl.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Why did the shopkeeper throw out the toeless man?

The shopkeeper was lactose intolerant.

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out i...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

At first it was difficult to remember how to throw a boomerang.

Then it started to come back to me.

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

How do you throw a Space party ?

You Planet

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

I told my friend that I went on a trip to Eastern Cape of Africa and this guy hurled a long throwing spear at me.

My friend said "Assagaai!", I said I don't know why you're taking his side.

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Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

My mom is throwing a party

Mom: I invited Steve to the party

Me: Which Steve? Cannibal Steve or Steve that can’t spell?

*gets a text*

Steve: I can’t wait to meat your mom tonight

Mom: I’m not sure

A man is walking home alone...

A man is walking home alone...


A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street ...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

I spent hours last night throwing out all my herbs.

It was such a waste of thyme.

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?

His co-workers

What do you call a religious women who throws things?

A nunchuck

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

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A son of a prostitute was throwing pebbles into a crowd.

A man comes up to him and says, “Careful not to hit your father.”

Give a man a plane ticket, and he'll fly for a day

Throw a man off a flight and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

Why did the physicist throw the stop sign into the ocean?

He was studying sign waves.

I throw things at bad doctors

So the quack ducks.

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Did you know that a penny you throw from the Empire State Building can turn into a lethal weapon?

If Jew is standing next to you.

I’m making a pass/fail exam for churches who claim to throw good parties

It’s a lit-mass test.

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I attempt to throw my empty Pepsi can into the nearest bin

I miss the bin and the can hits a kid, the kid starts crying, I walk up to him and say "don't cry! It was only a soft drink!"

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