The 127+ Best Throw Jokes

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

Why don't calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on TV...

Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling...

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

Once this damned war is over, me and some of the lads are gonna throw a massive rave party for Russians and Ukranians, Chechens - everyone is welcome! We're hiring some of the biggest DJ's from the U.S, U.K, Poland, Germany....

And

a

Czech

one,

too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

I wish I could throw a pool party.

Because that would mean I had a pool and a bunch of friends.

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An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where...

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

My dad would put us to sleep by throwing us up into the air

This method only works if you have low ceilings

When someone says, a penny for your thoughts, and I throw my two cents in….

What happens to the other penny?

What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool?

Wet.

What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?

Swimming trunks.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

What do you get when you throw a chicken into a volcano?

Bawklava

What do you call a woman throwing her utility bills in a fire?

Bernadette

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

had to throw out my carbon monoxide detector tonight.

All that beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

Why did the kid throw salami out the window?

He wanted to see the meatier shower.

Can a ninja throw a star?

SHUR-HE-CAN

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:

\- Why are you doing this?

\- I'm looking for an obituary.

\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...

\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

Take EVERYTHING you know about bread and throw it out the window. Okay...Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.

Bread!

The fuse had blown on a lamp I was throwing away and my mother suggested I give it to a charity shop

I told her I couldn’t do that, they’d only re-fuse it

Why did Gandhi throw flatbread at his wife?

Because he believed in naan violence!

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

A guy told me he could throw a stick a mile and his dog would run out and bring the stick back

... but I thought it was far-fetched.

2 guys have 4 cigarettes on a boat but nothing to light them with so they throw one cigarette overboard

And the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

A cyclist throws in the towel halfway through the Tour de France. Seconds later a minor avalanche kills the three teammates he was riding next to.

Survival of Defeatist

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How many cops does it take to throw a black man down the stairs?

None. “He fell.”

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Why shouldn’t you throw sodium chloride at people?

Because it’s assalt!

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A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.

Wife: “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”

Husband: “Sounds like you still have perfect vision”

My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

Why did the Mexican throw his wife of a bridge

Tequila

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Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...

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I just don’t get women. My girlfriend says that I have a real problem with mansplaining everything and if I don’t stop, she’ll throw me down a hole filled with water. I know she means well

And when I told her that, she lost her shit and threw me out of the house. Women!

what do you get when you throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptic kids?

a silent disco

How do you throw an egg againts a brick wall without breaking it?

It doesn’t matter, there is no way an egg would actually break brick wall.

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

Why won't Pluto throw a birthday party?

It can't even planet

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

What do you call it when a girl throws a tantrum during her period?

An ovary-action.

Once you throw a paper aeroplane it's no longer...

Stationery

Why did the chess master throw up on the boat?

He got c6.

I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.

That would be wheystful.

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

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What do Jews throw when they riot?

Mozeltov Cocktails

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

Joseph and Mary tried to throw out one of Jesus' diapers

But there was no room in the bin

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

After I went bald, I couldn’t throw my comb away.

I just couldn’t part with it.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

I asked a ninja the other day if he could tell me what his favorite throwing weapon is.

He said "Sure I can."

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

What happens when you throw a green apple into the Red Sea?

It's getting wet!

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Don't throw up

A guy walks into a bar and orders tequila shots, one right after another. "Hey, slow down there," the bartender cautions. "I don't want you getting sick." "Don't worry, there's only one thing that makes me throw up," the guy reassures him. "And that's a dart board on the ceiling."

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

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why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Thankfully, I'm in a greenhouse, so I can throw all the stones I want.

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the blacksmith throw away his furnace......

Because It Smelt like shit!

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

I've been trying to throw a garbage can away for three weeks...

but they won't take it.

What do you call a group of Guardians of the Galaxy cosplayers that start setting fires and throwing bricks through windows?

A Groot suit riot

I wouldn't be able to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom but..

Elijah Wood.

Why does a ghost throw himself off of a bridge?

Banshee jumping

A man throws bears into lakes

A man travels the world, throwing bears into lakes. In Asia, he threw a sun bear into a lake, but all that happened was that the bear became angry. In North America, he threw a grizzly into a lake, and again it was angry. In Europe he threw in a brown bear, and again it was angry. Finally, he went t...

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

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