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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

What to do if blonde girl throws a grenade at you?

Take off the pin and throw it back

What do you call it when Jesus throws his Pasta at the door?

Gnocchi on Heaven's Door

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

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Those in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones...

Or masturbate in the daytime.

What do you call a baby plate throwing a tantrum?

Childish

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

What do you get when you throw a piano down a cave?

A Flat Minor

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them.

# But remember to throw the flower pot with it

What does a teenage cowboy say when he throws somebody out of the saloon?

Yeet-haw!

You people know about the “todays the day that they’ll throw it back at you” wonderwall meme?

Because I’m sure you’ve heard it all before.

What's the first step to throw a space party?

You planet

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...

The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"

The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"

When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at ...

Every morning when I jog I reflect on my life and I want to throw up.

It's a running gag.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I wanted to throw a party for my cake day, so I sent an invitation to every redditor on r/jokes.

However, the post office lost all my invitations. I didn't repost, so nobody got my joke.

My house is a stone's throw away from the bus stop.

It's the one with broken windows.

If every time I need to throw up I sprint to the toilet...

...at what point does it become a running gag?

I had to throw out all of my danish currency

I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

Every time some one around me makes a joke I want to throw up,

I guess you could call it a gag reflex

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out hunting. Watson has a buck in his sights, when holmes throws a rock near it, and, frightened, it runs away. "What the hell was that?!" He asks. Holmes looks at him for a second..

It sedimentary. My deer, Watson.

What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?

Run like hell - he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

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Look, guys, you can't just throw out jokes about Trump's West Point speech willy nilly.

You have to ramp up to them.

Why did the protestors start throwing bread?

Because they wanted to rye it.

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My friend draws beautiful nudes, starting from the feet, up. They're amazing art but he always throws them all away...

I think it's 'cuz he always finishes on the faces.

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

tequila

When Jesus said those who are without sin throw the first stone... everyone was quiet...

... and then a stone flew over his head! He looked back and exclaimed “Come on Mum!!”

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

Why do female UFC fighters always throw lefts ?

Because they don't have rights.

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

I throw my watch in the air

call it air time

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

I caught my girlfriend forcing herself to throw up after giving me head.

Turns out she’s manorexic.

How many cops does it take to throw a prisoner down the stairs?

None, he fell...

A guy throws a snail...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

A protestor saw me in London today and decided to throw a squeezy bottle of mayo at me...

... I yelled at him "What the Hell-Man!!!"

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I'm going to throw a pirate orgy.

It's cum as you arrrr.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"

What does a ninja say when someone asks if he can use throwing stars?

Shuriken

Guy calls his buddy and says, "Hey man, I'm throwing a party this weekend!"

"Gonna get a case of beer; what are you thinking?"

Buddy responds, "Anything but Heineken is cool with me. Drank a case of Heineken last weekend, and I blew chunks."

Guy says, "Dude, drinking a whole case of anything is going to make you puke."

Buddy responds, "No, man, you don'...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

I used to get irrationally angry at ice cubes and throw them onto the floor.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

I once lived just a stone’s throw away from a family

Who all died of mysterieus head injuries

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

Throwing acid is wrong...

...In some people's eyes

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, “there’s too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we’re going to crash!” The Welshman bravely steps up, “For the glory of wales!” And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, “okay, we’re close but there is still too much weight!” ...

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

Judge, is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone's eyes?

"Yes that's assault"

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

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I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"...

Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.



Also my cock hurts.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

Why did the German decide to throw out the square battery?

Because it has nein volts!

What did the throwing star say when his friend asked if he could lend a hand?

Shuriken

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

I taught my son about gravity by throwing pasta and sauce at the ceiling

He didn't get it at first, but it wasn't long before the penne dropped.

The spices in my cabinet where so old that I had to throw them out.

What a waste of thyme.

I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.

None of you are invited

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was mad at me for throwing poop.

Shit hit the fan

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

Flummoxed, I asked my wife, "Honey, the kids don't want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?" She shouted back from the other room, "That's fine. Just throw them out, dear!"

Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases...

Son : Dad, how do I catch fish?

Dad : Just throw this clickbait into the water

Son : And then what?

Dad : What happens next will shock you

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

... then Jesus said "whoever have never sinned before, throw the first rock"

- Nobody? Ok, I'll go first

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

My wife said to me, "Why don't you throw yourself a pity party?"

I answered, "Because no one would show up."

If you throw a bad orgy...

people won't want to come anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds.

One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...

You know what makes me throw up?

A dart board on the ceiling.

So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".

I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".

He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

Can a ninja throw a star?

SHUR-HE-CAN

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket st...

Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with

They decide to throw one overboard, so the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy

Im throwing a suprise bukkake party for my wife.

I hope everybody can come.

A man is lost in the desert, after walking for two days he finally sees some structure on the horizon.

He realizes this might be his last hope and channels his last remaining energy to get there.

Two hours later he finally gets to what seems to be some kind of well. Barely able to stand up he walks around it to find a bucket or something, but there doesn't seem to be anything of the sort and t...

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

An English man, Scottish man and Irish man go to the moon...

Once they get there the English man finds an apple, and the other two bet that he cannot throw it back to earth, he tries and completes his dare. When he gets back to earth he sees a little boy sitting on the side of the road crying. “Why are you crying little boy” asks the English man. “An apple ju...

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