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Commit Jokes

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

What is the lightest sin a Muslim can commit?

Spelling marathon backwards.

It's *almost* not haram.

What drove the train to commit crimes in Mexico?

Loco motives!

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

What crime do we commit on r/jokes?

Manslaughter

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Why did the quasar commit suicide?

The oscillation was too much to bear

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

Why did the mathematician commit suicide?

Because he had too many problems.

My girlfriend has been hounding me to commit and get a ring.

You should have seen her face when I took her outside, got down on one knee, and finally put the Ring on our door. Oh wait, I can just replay the video for you.

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

Why do Gardeners commit suicide?

Because the grass is always greener on *the other side.*

Why did the Heaven’s Gate Cult commit suicide?

They just wanted to keep up with the Joneses !

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

As part of its commitment to environmentalism...

Texas is committing to executing people via electric chairs powered only by wind turbines and solar panels.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw the gas bill

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

I have a problem with commitment

Never mind that joke is lame anyway

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

I was going to commit seppuku the other day.

But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

My girlfriend said "I never commit to anything"

Well, she's not really my girlfriend.

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

Where do coins get committed after a crime?

The pennytentiary

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

I have a joke about commitment

Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a funeral procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for...

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

Did you know dolphins commit infanticide?

They do it on porpoise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthq...

Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

commitment issues

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

What type of crime does a bird commit?

Breaking and enter-wing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

What do you call a pirate ship after the crew commits mutiny?

A Crew's-ship

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

Why can't Chinese emperors commit murder?

Because it's irregal

A man was taken into custody and questioned about a robbery committed by a man wearing a skirt. The man was freed without charges.

He never made an admission of kilt.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

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