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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

Where is the best possible place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge

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An accountant is imprisoned after committing fraud

When he walks into his cell, he is confronted by his cellmate - a 150 kilogram, 2 metre tall muscle-bound bloke called Bubba.

Bubba lays down the rules, "In here, to keep sane we play mummies and daddies. Because you're new, you can choose whether you want to be mummy or daddy."

The ac...

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

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I tried committing suicide today...

Never doing that shit again. I almost died.

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

An unborn child was charged with a crime it didn't commit and sentenced to death

Both sides argued it was a miscarriage of justice.

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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw his gas bill.

What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?

Moolestation

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

Why do priests not commit adultery?

They are more into minority.

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

"Jeffrey Epstein was on a Suicide Watch. He committed suicide, they watched."

From youtube, a Jimmy Dore channel commentator.

People say I lack the commitment to finish anything, and they might be right.

Because right now, I just don't care enough to

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

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What is the difference between participation and commitment?

A chicken participates in breakfast. A pig is committed to it.

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

How does a bee commit suicide?

It stops believing.

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

Did you hear about the tree that commit crimes against the state?

He was charged with treeson

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

A man arrives in a gulag and his fellow prisoners ask how long he's in for, and what crime he committed. He says 'I'm in here for 25 years, but I'm completely innocent'.

The prisoners say 'Don't lie to us! Everyone knows the innocent get 5 years!'

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

I'm not really a fully committed capitalist...

...I'm what they call buy-curious.

I called Suicide Helpline, they didn't help me commit suicide.

They left me hanging.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud?

Their assets are already frozen

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthq...

There was an old priest....

....Who got tired of hearing almost everyone in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll Quit this position!"

Since everyone liked him, they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adulter...

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

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Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

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What do you call a sword that commits sexual assault?

A Rapier!

What’s the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

What do you call a tree who commits espionage?

A leaves-dropper

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

How do you get a Blonde to commit suicide?

You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d'olive

Why did math commit suicide?

Because it had too many problems

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I’m afraid of commitment

I don’t even cum when I masturbate

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

What was the russian journalist last words before he committed suicide?

Please dont shoot!

Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ?

He had no guts ....

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

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A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.

Well, God was feeling pretty...

I love when people are super committed to carrying out a joke...

For instance, my parents told me I was a disappointment and kicked me out 4 years ago on April 1st. They haven’t spoken to me since.

What do you call a robbery committed by a ghost?

A polterheist.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

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John was starting to worry about his 12 year old son Jack.

Jack was a D student, and only because John helped complete all of Jack's homework. Jack wasn't good at sports. He didn't have many friends. And it seemed like once a week he was getting called into the principal's office for some sort of misbehavior. So John told Jack, in a last ditch effort to get...

Why did the pancake get arrested?

It had committed multiple unwaffle actions.

Marriage means commitment.

Of course, so does insanity.

A politician had recently committed suicide

"It is a very sad day," the Police Chief said, "and we have ruled that he has committed suicide, via 3 bullets to the head"

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until I looked in her closet

There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.

If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me.

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