This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How does a Pokemon trainer commit suicide?

Escape rope.

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

You hear about the robot that committed a crime?

It got charged with a USB cable.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

What prompts most crows to commit homicide?

Caws and effect

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

My girlfriend said "I never commit to anything"

Well, she's not really my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to commit suicide once...

not doing that shit again, I nearly died.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime?

Vax evasion

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

What is the difference between American girls and middle eastern girls?

American girls get stoned before committing adultery.

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

Why did the chickpea get arrested?

He committed a Hummus-cide

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

If a Mac user

If a Mac user sees a crime being committed, does she become an iWitness?

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys chatting in a pub......

First guy says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Stopped at the travel agent and the girl had fantastic breasts.I accidentally asked for two Titties to Toronto"

The other guy responds "I know the feeling mate. This morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the cornflakes and a...

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.

But we just can’t seem to nail down a date.

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

What's a real commitment to dying?

Deadication

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

Suprised that Epstine commited suicide?

So was he!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man yelled on the GreatWall of China, "Xi the pooh has a tiny penis"

He was caught by the police in a minute.

He was then notified that all of his family members are held up by the police. In the same evening, he was brought to the court.

The judge: You committed a very serious crime, you need not talk, you are now sentenced to death, so are you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there Ten Commandments?

When God wanted to gift his commandments to mankind, he approached the French first.

"I have commandments for you", he spoke.

\-"What do they say?" the French asked.

"Well, 'thou shalt not commit adultery' , for example."

\-"No thank you, you can keep them", the French...

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

The reason Cain commited murder

He was going to stop, but he wasn't Abel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he might have been.

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

How do accusers against the Clintons commit suicide?

With two shots to the back of the head

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

my dyslexic online friend who always act sad finally commit

he said"i have crippling description"

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

My wife and I don't have tattoos

Because we're both afraid of long-term permanent commitments.

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

Doctor joke number 2

Patient) Doctor i was feeling awful and i had decided to commit suicide by taking 1000 aspirins.

Doctor) Really and what happened?

Patient) After the first 3 i felt a lot better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

commitment issues

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?

He’s going to be XcQted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.