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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

Suprised that Epstine commited suicide?

So was he!

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

The reason Cain commited murder

He was going to stop, but he wasn't Abel.

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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

If you commit 90 sins, you would be caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he might have been.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

What is a Pirate’s favorite crime to commit?

ARR-son!

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?

He’s going to be XcQted.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

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why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

Did you know dolphins commit infanticide?

They do it on porpoise.

Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

commitment issues

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

What do you call when a former male starts committing crimes out of anger?

A transgression

My wife is into being cuffed.

Apparently, sending her to jail by committing tax fraud on her name wasn't the right thing to do.

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

Not sure if this belongs here, but please read!!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Tro...

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what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi...

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

A crime your ex probably committed

If someone steals your Netflix account and holds it for ransom, is that kidapping?

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

If Musk commited murder...

he would be going away for Elon time.

Did I tell you about the time I took a bunch of crows to the asylum?

I committed a murder.

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My friend committed suicide...

Swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet...

...and then he choked on a tampon

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

A guy goes to heaven ...

and he meets God. God says "You were a good person, come with me" God takes him to what looks like a festival. As they get closer, he hears gunshots. He turns and aske God what this is. He replies "Well, since you were a good person, and did not sin once in your life, you get to commit one sin, f...

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

My dad is the meanest person in the world

On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed suicide.

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

I killed every Jenna in the world.

I committed a Jennacide.

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

I've met a few Amish people in my day...

But I've yet to find someone that will fully commit to being Am.

My CTO punished me for not having my new critical changes on production

All for the crime that I didn't commit.

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

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