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I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

An old woman decided she’s had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide…

… She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him “doctor, where is the heart located in the body?”

“Just below your left breast” the doctor tells her.

“Thanks” she says, and shoot’s herself in the knee.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide

She sat in her running car

And closed the garage

It was her new Tesla

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

What do you call a pirate ship after the crew commits mutiny?

A Crew's-ship

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

I have a joke about commitment

Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a funeral procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for...

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

What prompts most crows to commit homicide?

Caws and effect

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

My girlfriend said "I never commit to anything"

Well, she's not really my girlfriend.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

Cast the first stone,,,

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, “Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone.”

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the lit...

How do I kill my family and strangers without committing a crime?

Vax evasion

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

Minister Shoigu

There are rumors in Moscow, that minister Shoigu commited suicide. One concerned Russian called Moscow radio station and asked if he really commited suicide and if they knew what were his last words. The answer was: "Minister Shoigu really committed suicide and his last words were: Comrades do not s...

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A man goes to the library

He asks the librarian: "do you have '1000 ways to commit a suicide?' "

"Sorry, the last one didn't return it".

We’ve been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.

But we just can’t seem to nail down a date.

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

What's a real commitment to dying?

Deadication

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

My mother-in-law was in tears.

"Honey," she said to me, "listen, *please*! Look...Before I commit suicide, there's one thing I want to do. I want to take your dog for a walk."

And no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, she insisted on walking the dog first.

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

Biker rescue

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was ...

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