When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge.

Did you know that dolphins can commit suicide

On porpoise?

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Did you hear about the man who tried to commit suicide by taking 500 painkillers?

After taking 2 he said he felt better.

*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

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why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

The only person that keeps me from committing suicide

Is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

Reader : Is there a book on " How to Commit Suicide"

Librarian : Who will return the book ?

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

Epstein did not commit suicide.

It was fake noose.

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he must have been

How did Kanye commit suicide?

He jumped from the top of his ego.

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

If you commit 90 sins, you’ll be caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

All My Life I Wanted to be the Person so Committed to Something I Would Die for it

And that is why I'm not appealing my execution, Your Honor.

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

A long term relationship is 5% love, 5 % commitment.....

And 90% asking each other what you want for dinner tonight

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what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?

Moolestation

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

The Joker finally captured Batman

The Joker: Say something funny, or die!

Batman: No you.

The Joker: I... you... how... *laughs hysterically*

Batman: That wasn't funny.

The Joker: *commits suicide*

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

Eggs and bacon:

A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

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I tried committing suicide today...

Never doing that shit again. I almost died.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

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An accountant is imprisoned after committing fraud

When he walks into his cell, he is confronted by his cellmate - a 150 kilogram, 2 metre tall muscle-bound bloke called Bubba.

Bubba lays down the rules, "In here, to keep sane we play mummies and daddies. Because you're new, you can choose whether you want to be mummy or daddy."

The ac...

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

Why did Romeo Watermelon and Juliette Honeydew commit suicide?

They cantaloupe.

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery." The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speed...

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

Why do priests not commit adultery?

They are more into minority.

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

I walked up to a drunk guy with a lemon

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around ...

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

I called Suicide Helpline, they didn't help me commit suicide.

They left me hanging.

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

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What is the difference between participation and commitment?

A chicken participates in breakfast. A pig is committed to it.

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide at the end of WW2?

He was mad that Stalin had killed more Russians than he ever could.

Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

People say I lack the commitment to finish anything, and they might be right.

Because right now, I just don't care enough to

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

As a child, I used to have two sets of summer vacation homework.

One that the school gave us, to be finished in the last few days of the vacation, and the other, that my father, ever so graciously, asked me to do every day of the vacation before he left for work. He used to ask me to memorise all the possible uses of articles, hundreds of idioms, similes, commonl...

what do you do when you are stuck in a sewer with no hope of escape?

you commit sewer-side

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire ...

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sword that commits sexual assault?

A Rapier!

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