The 109+ Best Commit Jokes

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

What is the lightest sin a Muslim can commit?

Spelling marathon backwards.

It's *almost* not haram.

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

What crime do we commit on r/jokes?

Manslaughter

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

My girlfriend has been hounding me to commit and get a ring.

You should have seen her face when I took her outside, got down on one knee, and finally put the Ring on our door. Oh wait, I can just replay the video for you.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

Why did the quasar commit suicide?

The oscillation was too much to bear

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

Why did the mathematician commit suicide?

Because he had too many problems.

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Why did the Heaven’s Gate Cult commit suicide?

They just wanted to keep up with the Joneses !

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

A man was taken into custody and questioned about a robbery committed by a man wearing a skirt. The man was freed without charges.

He never made an admission of kilt.

As part of its commitment to environmentalism...

Texas is committing to executing people via electric chairs powered only by wind turbines and solar panels.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.

The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"

the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

I was going to commit seppuku the other day.

But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Fuck it, soldier on!

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

Where do coins get committed after a crime?

The pennytentiary

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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw the gas bill

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

I have a problem with commitment

Never mind that joke is lame anyway

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

My girlfriend said "I never commit to anything"

Well, she's not really my girlfriend.

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

I asked a priest why I couldn't just say a bunch of Hail Marys before committing a sin

Apparently the church isn't a fan of anything Pre-Marytal

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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The bible says, If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

It doesn't say anything about fucking while standing so God is probably good with that.

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

What do you call a pirate ship after the crew commits mutiny?

A Crew's-ship

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

I have a joke about commitment

Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a funeral procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for...

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

Did you know dolphins commit infanticide?

They do it on porpoise.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

my dyslexic online friend who always act sad finally commit

he said"i have crippling description"

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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