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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

Which plant is fatal if you sit under it too long?

A water lily

What do plants eat between lunch and dinner?

A light snack.

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

What do you call a plant that is a DJ?

A photosynthesizer




I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

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I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

How do plants get drunk?

Root beer

What did the plant say to the worm?

Oooh that tickles

What is a dogs favorite plant?

A collie flower.

What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

If dogs were plants, what would they be?


I'm gonna go shoot myself in the head now

One of my friends gets paid minimum wage for watering plants.

Pour guy.

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What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?


I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

What kind of plant generates the most energy?

A power plant.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

I discovered that I an allergy to plant-type Pokemon.

I caught a bulbous sore.

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

Someone stole my succulent plant.

That was aloe move.

I just started my new job at the recycling plant and I hate it.

Crushing cans is soda pressing.

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

Why didn't Hitler kill plants?

Because they germinate.

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I asked my son if he wanted plant protein blends.

He said no whey dad

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

The plant went home one night without groceries

It was because it never botany.

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

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There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

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What did the cockley plant say to the other plant called Vera?

Aloe Vera

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What do you call a homosexual Muslim plant?


I heard that plants grow faster when you play music for them

I hope they like Plantera

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

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Mummy, how was I born?

10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to g...

You can't plant flowers...

...if you haven't botany.

I don't trust companies that plant trees

It's such a shady business.

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."

Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"


The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

Toilets in power plants are always built on level surfaces...

to prevent rolling brown outs.

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

I was going to give my friend books of jokes on the anatomy of plants

But I haven’t botany yet

I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I need protection to enter a nuclear power plant.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

What happens when you plant a cow?

It grows into a bovine.

You know, being unsure if I'm a plant is actually pretty cool.

Am I rye?

What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment?


A Plant's Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation

By Artichoke

What's the difference between a plant and a vegetable?

A vegetable needs life support.

Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed?

A lobotany

What do you call a league of battling plants?

Phyte club.

Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.

Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

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What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.


Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

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Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

What do you call a wise plant?

Enlighten Mint!

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?


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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Weed ain't a drug, its a plant.

Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Pote...

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My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

I would have really liked to study plants in college...

but my university hadn’t botany.

Why couldn't the plant escape the jail?

Because his cell had walls.