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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

Companies are bragging about making plants taste like meat....

...Cows have been doing that forever.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

How do you get a plant drunk?

Give it root beer

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

I hate planting bombs now.

Everything is blown out of proportion.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

"I know how to plant a type of seed!"

"Sow what?"

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

I think my plant is sick.

It's looking a little bit green

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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They say the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago.

But the SECOND best time is...the day after that. And the third best time was the next day after that one.

...wow, you've really fucked up haven't you?

If the plant is sad...

Will other plants photosympathize with it?

What do me and my house plant have in common?

We’re both dying inside.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

I almost got fired at the cement plant today...

But corporate realized that they didn't have concrete evidence to fire me.

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Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

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Workers at the sewage treatment plant went on a strike.

It was a really shitty situation.

Its not possible to plant flowers

If you haven't botany

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

What do you call a cute plant?

An Aww-totroph.

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

Me : Lets plant a tree after each person dies.

Thanos becomes the biggest contributer of teamtrees

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose?

Tree, va, go!

How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

Did you hear about the guy who was eaten by a plant?

He died of natural causes

My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds

Interviewer - What were you doing before ?

Me - Posting on r/Jokes

Interviewer - Hired

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

What do you call it when two vegans are fighting?

Plant-based beef

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

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I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".

It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

I was arrested for stealing and burying a very valuable Royal Fern

...but I know the police planted it.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.

Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

What’s the similarity between a cop and a Rastafarian?

They’re both good at planting weed.

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

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I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

If plants had wifi, we'd be planting them everywhere!

Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.

The next day the boy passes th...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

What’s the world’s scariest plant?

BamBOO!

What does a plant say when picking up the phone?

“Aloe?”

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

What do you call a plant that is a DJ?

A photosynthesizer





hehe

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

What part of a plant has the most friends?

The Bud

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Wisdom in age

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional...

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

Do you want a job planting tulips?

*points at crotch*

THEN PLANT TULIPS RIGHT HERE!!

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants," said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I won't," I said, as I picked up a rock

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

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I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence .

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

If dogs were plants, what would they be?

Collie-flowers

I'm gonna go shoot myself in the head now

What did the plant say to the worm?

Oooh that tickles

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A king was feeling merciful one day.

He decides that his dungeons are getting full so he will grant freedom to some of the prisoners upon completing a simple task.

A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.

An Irish man comes to him with a clover. "All y...

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What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

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