One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

What did the scientist plant for Christmas

A Chemis-tree

I asked my son if he wanted plant protein blends.

He said no whey dad

Why didn't Hitler kill plants?

Because they germinate.

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

Someone stole my succulent plant.

That was aloe move.

I just started my new job at the recycling plant and I hate it.

Crushing cans is soda pressing.

What type of plant gives you the runs?

dysentree

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

The plant went home one night without groceries

It was because it never botany.

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

What happened to the plant in math class?

It grew square roots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Muslim plant?

Al-gay

Toilets in power plants are always built on level surfaces...

to prevent rolling brown outs.

What do chefs call plants that make them laugh?

Amuse Bush.

I don't trust companies that plant trees

It's such a shady business.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

I was going to give my friend books of jokes on the anatomy of plants

But I haven’t botany yet

You can't plant flowers...

...if you haven't botany.

I heard that plants grow faster when you play music for them

I hope they like Plantera

What kind of plant is the scariest?

bamBOO

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

If a courtroom's flora was only cannabis plants

Would that make it a high court?

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment?

Cantaloupe

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I need protection to enter a nuclear power plant.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

What happens when you plant a cow?

It grows into a bovine.

A Plant's Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation

By Artichoke

You know, being unsure if I'm a plant is actually pretty cool.

Am I rye?

Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

What's the difference between a plant and a vegetable?

A vegetable needs life support.

What do you call a league of battling plants?

Phyte club.

Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed?

A lobotany

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

What do you call a wise plant?

Enlighten Mint!

I would have really liked to study plants in college...

but my university hadn’t botany.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Pote...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

There was a fire at the plant where they make Nike Jordans.

Over a thousand soles were lost.

Where does the president of plants live?

In the Green House

What's the worst part of working at a meat packing plant?

It's a total sausage fest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two men head out to their greenhouse to tend to their marijuana plants

But when they enter, they're a bit shocked as a fully matured cow is just standing there, sniffing the plants.

"Holy shit!" says the one man. "How the hell did it get in here?"

But the other man looks at him in a serious way and says to him "Calm down my friend. The steaks have never ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girls with houseplants make good girlfriends.

Because they’ve learned to care for something that sits around all day being fucking useless.

Weed ain't a drug, its a plant.

Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist

What's the noisiest plant?

Bam!
Boo!

Why couldn't the plant escape the jail?

Because his cell had walls.

What did the hippie farmer plant in his backyard

Some sweet peas

What's the same about r/jokes and a recycling plant

Recycling plants usually aren't funny.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a phallic, prickly plant in the desert?

A Cocktus.

A man walks into a garden centre looking to buy some plants.

Upon entering, he sees a plant with beautiful purple/red flowers...and notices it also has hands that are tightly gripping something.

Amazed by this, he tries to pry the fingers apart in order to see what is between the plant's hands, but is unable to.

He approaches one of the workers ...

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outsid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

A plant fell on my head...

I'm alright though, it was no big dill.

Sen. Franklin R. Lee of Idaho was instrumental in obtaining a 100-megawatt hydroelectric plant...

.. on the Givva River for the benefit of his hometown, Medea. When the plant was finished, the dedication plaque read:

> Frank Lee, Medea, Idaho, Givva Dam

What do you call an American soldier who studies plants/animals?

A marine biologist.

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

What do you call a plant with an STD?

Poison H.I.V

A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit

He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."

What did the plant say to the sprinkler?

Stop spraying water everywhere, you're really starting to irrigate me!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein ejaculated in his potted plant so many times . . .

. . . It almost got cast as Will Hunting.

A lot of different plants can be turned into alcohol and then used for trucking fuel. I tried this with juniper berries.

I call it gin diesel.

Did you hear about the guy who had his bamboo plant stolen?

He was bamboozled

A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.



An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side...

Mr. Trump told his servant to water the plant outside the house

The servant said, "But sir, it's raining outside"

Mr. Trump replied, "Can't you use the umbrella?"

Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!

What happens when a plant tries to take over its own forest?

It comits *tree*son.