I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

I just quit my job at the Helium plant

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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Those who plant dates don't harvest dates...

Once upon a time an old monk was planting dates in a yard,a man passing by noticed him and said,"Why are you planting dates knowing that you will never get to eat the fruit?"
Listening to him,the old monk replied with a kind smile on his face,"My son,go eat a fat dick,the yard is mine and I plant...

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?

Because it's bad for microphones

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop?

Spectators.

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?

To get root access.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order

People often ask : "how do you find the time?:

So I say : "it's right there next to the sage"

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

What is a ghost's favourite plant

Bam boo

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This goes out to all the sewage treatment plant workers working during quarantine.

Thank you guys, you deal with a lot more shit then us!

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

Did you hear about the guy who knocked himself out when he face-planted with his patella?

No? Guess it was on a knees-to-nose basis.

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised and asked

“Fur-eel man?”

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plant based cure for COVID-19

Plant your butt at home

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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

Companies are bragging about making plants taste like meat....

...Cows have been doing that forever.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

"I know how to plant a type of seed!"

"Sow what?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

I hate planting bombs now.

Everything is blown out of proportion.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.



The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive in...

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

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Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

Pollen is what happens when flowers

can’t keep it in their plants.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

I think my plant is sick.

It's looking a little bit green

What do you get if you set off dynamite planted in the corner between two perpendicular walls?

A wrecked angle

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

What do me and my house plant have in common?

We’re both dying inside.

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They say the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago.

But the SECOND best time is...the day after that. And the third best time was the next day after that one.

...wow, you've really fucked up haven't you?

I almost got fired at the cement plant today...

But corporate realized that they didn't have concrete evidence to fire me.

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

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Workers at the sewage treatment plant went on a strike.

It was a really shitty situation.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

A man was working at a farm and was about to begin planting crops

When they were ready, the leader announced, "Lettuce begin."

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

What do you call a drunk plant?

Chloroplastered

Frasier Tribute: How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

I don’t know....depends on how many cops planted it there.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose?

Tree, va, go!

What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

Why was the gardener so embarrassed?

Because he wet his plants

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.....

He was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I'm really impressed and appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you keeps digging holes, and then...

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

Me : Lets plant a tree after each person dies.

Thanos becomes the biggest contributer of teamtrees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds

Interviewer - What were you doing before ?

Me - Posting on r/Jokes

Interviewer - Hired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese medicine

The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.

"So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move ...

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says: "I need service." He hears: "What can I help you with?"

He thinks for a moment and says: "I feel like Corona."
Two hours later he is picked up by his friend at the police station.
The blind man says to his friend: "Are you still mad at me for not watering your plants a month ago when you were out of down?"
His friend asks: "Why do you think that...

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

A notice from the Psychiatric Association

Dear citizens,
During the QUARANTINE time it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pots.

Kindly contact us only if they reply.

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

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