Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

How do you get a plant drunk?

Give it root beer

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

You can't plant flowers....

...if you haven't botany

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".

It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

What does a plant say when picking up the phone?

“Aloe?”

What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

What’s the world’s scariest plant?

BamBOO!

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

If plants had wifi, we'd be planting them everywhere!

Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

What part of a plant has the most friends?

The Bud

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

One of my friends gets paid minimum wage for watering plants.

Pour guy.

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

Why didn't the gardener water all of his plants?

He couldn't find the thyme.

What do you call a plant that is a DJ?

A photosynthesizer





hehe

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m all about the future and try plant as many seeds as i can in public.

Unfortunately i am now a registered sex offender

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

What did the plant say to the worm?

Oooh that tickles

What does a scientist plant in his garden?

A chemis-tree.

What is a dogs favorite plant?

A collie flower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

Did you hear about the plant thief?

He was arrested by the F-tree-I.

What kind of plant generates the most energy?

A power plant.

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?

photosynthesis

Someone stole my succulent plant.

That was aloe move.

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

I don't trust companies that plant trees

It's such a shady business.

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

I asked my son if he wanted plant protein blends.

He said no whey dad

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

I heard that plants grow faster when you play music for them

I hope they like Plantera

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Muslim plant?

Al-gay

The plant went home one night without groceries

It was because it never botany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

Toilets in power plants are always built on level surfaces...

to prevent rolling brown outs.

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

I was going to give my friend books of jokes on the anatomy of plants

But I haven’t botany yet

What happens when you plant a cow?

It grows into a bovine.

You know, being unsure if I'm a plant is actually pretty cool.

Am I rye?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.