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I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

What did Robert Plant?

...I don't know, but Roger Waters it.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

not NSFW: Watson sees Sherlock Holmes planting a tree and asks him, "What kind of tree are you planting?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree my dear watson"

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

What's the scariest plant in the jungle?

It's bamBOO!

What do you call a dead plant in the cemetery?

The dearly de-potted.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me "How do you find the time?"

I say "It's right there next to the sage"

What plant is always trying to scare people?


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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

What happened to the plant in the Mathematics Faculty?

It grew square roots.

Plant joke

What did one British succulent say to the other? Aloe mate!

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How is a plant different from a penis?

When a plant gets thirsty, it droops.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

You can't grow plants...

... if you haven't botany.

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

What is a plants favorite instrument?

A photo-synth-esizer

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

What kind of instrument would a plant play?

A photosynthesizer.

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What does Robert Plant say before he has an oragasm?

Valhalla, I am cumming.

What’s a pirates favourite plant?

An arrrrrrtichoke!

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Why don't influencer work in nuclear plants.

Because they get paid just in exposure.

What do you call a wacky hydroelectric power plant?

Dam that's crazy

If a plant is sad,

Do other plants photosymphathise with it?

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

The Russian army is trying to hire an artist to repaint the Zaporizhzhia power plant.

They get paid in exposure.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots!

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son


Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

I just quit my job at the Helium plant

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Why did Billy get fired from the banana packing plant?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

If hobbits were a plant how would they make food?

They would frodosynthesize.

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

I’m saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.

That’s…my hedge fund.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

It's no wonder Chernobyl nuclear plant had a meltdown.

How could they understand each other? None of them spoke English.

I told this joke as an 8 year old back in '89 and my older brother got so mad at me. He was screaming "They're Russian! They speak Russian!! They don't speak English you idiot!!".

My mom and dad got the joke, so th...

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

Why doesn’t Robert Plant shop at Aldi?

No quarter

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I decided to brighten the neighborhood by planting an array of dildos over my boundary wall...

My neighbor is livid but his wife is still on the fence

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

What do you call a tree planted by a very mean woman?

A country

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

What plant give you the most electricity?

The currant bush!

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

What does a forest wear under all the plants?


Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

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