I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?

They're both Bee-Feeders.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

Two plants are standing next to each other.

One of them says:
"What did you have for lunch?"
The other says:
"Oh, just a light meal"

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

What did the doctor give to his plant patient?

Chloropills.

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

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A wise old monk was planting a date tree in his garden when a young man walked by.

This confused the man, who knew date trees take 80 years to bear fruit, so he asked the monk:

"Why are you planting a date tree, when you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"

The old monk smiled amicably at the young man and answered:

"My son. Go eat a fat dick. It's my garden, ...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

no. they say "i chlorofeel you man."

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

I just quit my job at the Helium plant

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

What type of plants do skateboarders grow?

Faceplants

What do you call it when a German kid plants some vegetables?

A kindergarten

What do you get when you cross an aloe vera plant with a dachshund?

A succuweenie.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

I bought some plastic plants for my aquarium. I was going to get the real ones...

but I knew I would forget to water them.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?

To get root access.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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Those who plant dates don't harvest dates...

Once upon a time an old monk was planting dates in a yard,a man passing by noticed him and said,"Why are you planting dates knowing that you will never get to eat the fruit?"
Listening to him,the old monk replied with a kind smile on his face,"My son,go eat a fat dick,the yard is mine and I plant...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?

Because it's bad for microphones

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop?

Spectators.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order

People often ask : "how do you find the time?:

So I say : "it's right there next to the sage"

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

What is a ghost's favourite plant

Bam boo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This goes out to all the sewage treatment plant workers working during quarantine.

Thank you guys, you deal with a lot more shit then us!

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

Did you hear about the guy who knocked himself out when he face-planted with his patella?

No? Guess it was on a knees-to-nose basis.

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

Hey, a job just opened up for a tulip planter.

You can plant *two* *lips* on my organ.

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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised and asked

“Fur-eel man?”

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Plant based cure for COVID-19

Plant your butt at home

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

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Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

A man is looking for a job at a recycling plant...

A man has been out of a job for quite some time now. It seems that he has fallen into quite the slump and his wife is threatening divorce if he doesn’t get a job.
He finally gets applications out and gets an interview from the local recycling plant. He goes in and answers all the typical questio...

Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

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A bad joke

A guy finds a genie and says his wish is to fuck a goddess in a golden garden. He gets it, has some awkward sex in a lush garden with golden plants and teleports back to the genie. He then realised his mistake and asks the samething as a second wish. This time, before the goddess appears, he starts ...

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

"I know how to plant a type of seed!"

"Sow what?"

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

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Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

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My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

I hate planting bombs now.

Everything is blown out of proportion.

What is another name for an Eggplant?

A chicken. It plants eggs

I tried to be vegetarian

But eating meat is so good, that even some plants do

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

What do me and my house plant have in common?

We’re both dying inside.

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves unti...

I almost got fired at the cement plant today...

But corporate realized that they didn't have concrete evidence to fire me.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

I think my plant is sick.

It's looking a little bit green

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They say the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago.

But the SECOND best time is...the day after that. And the third best time was the next day after that one.

...wow, you've really fucked up haven't you?

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

To Honor Congressman Louie Gohmert. Texas Aggie

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't s...

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

What do you call a manly flower that needs surgery?

A trans-plant!

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A pilot crashes his plane into the Pacific Ocean..

He wakes up to find that he has washed up on a sandy beach. After some exploration he finds that he is on a small island covered with fruit bearing trees and plants, enough for him to survive indefinitely. He also finds that he is not alone as there happens to be two dogs with him on the island....

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Workers at the sewage treatment plant went on a strike.

It was a really shitty situation.

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots

A man was working at a farm and was about to begin planting crops

When they were ready, the leader announced, "Lettuce begin."

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

What do you call a drunk plant?

Chloroplastered

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

Pollen is what happens when flowers

can’t keep it in their plants.

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

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