The 121+ Best Plant Jokes

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

What did Robert Plant?

...I don't know, but Roger Waters it.

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

not NSFW: Watson sees Sherlock Holmes planting a tree and asks him, "What kind of tree are you planting?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree my dear watson"

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me "How do you find the time?"

I say "It's right there next to the sage"

What plant is always trying to scare people?

bamBOO

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

What happened to the plant in the Mathematics Faculty?

It grew square roots.

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How is a plant different from a penis?

When a plant gets thirsty, it droops.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

The Russian army is trying to hire an artist to repaint the Zaporizhzhia power plant.

They get paid in exposure.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

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What does Robert Plant say before he has an oragasm?

Valhalla, I am cumming.

What kind of instrument would a plant play?

A photosynthesizer.

What do toddlers and potted plants have in common?

They both soil themselves!

What is a plants favorite instrument?

A photo-synth-esizer

You can't grow plants...

... if you haven't botany.

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I decided to brighten the neighborhood by planting an array of dildos over my boundary wall...

My neighbor is livid but his wife is still on the fence

Plant joke

What did one British succulent say to the other? Aloe mate!

What do you call a wacky hydroelectric power plant?

Dam that's crazy

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

I’m saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.

That’s…my hedge fund.

What’s a pirates favourite plant?

An arrrrrrtichoke!

Why don't influencer work in nuclear plants.

Because they get paid just in exposure.

Did you hear about the killer plant that got prescription lenses?

It could Suddenly Seymour.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

If hobbits were a plant how would they make food?

They would frodosynthesize.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

What do you call a tree planted by a very mean woman?

A country

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

I just quit my job at the Helium plant

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Why doesn’t Robert Plant shop at Aldi?

No quarter

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

If a plant is sad,

Do other plants photosymphathise with it?

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots!

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!”

He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”

YSK - The number one reason house plants die is OVER watering.

The number two reason is under watering.

Want to know why is fired from my job at the Orange Juicing plant?

They said I wasn't concentrating properly.

I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.

There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.

What does a forest wear under all the plants?

Planties

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second best time was 20 years minus one Planck time ago.

What plant give you the most electricity?

The currant bush!

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.

I told him, "Grow a pear"!

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Did you know? Playing reggaeton muisic will help you plants grow faster

Though surprisingly they grow towards the off button of your stereo

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

There isn't much difference between a game console and a horsemeat packing plant

One is a Sony Playstation, the other a Pony Slaystation.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

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Where do plant’s watch porn?

Onlyferns

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

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What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

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I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

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Our farm failed because we planted buttermilk-flavored Dorito chips instead of seeds...

But at *least* it was a **cool** ranch.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

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What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

A wise oldman was planting a date palm...

A boy approaches and asks:

- Wise oldman, why are you planting such tree if it's highly unlikely that you live enough to see it bear fruits?

The wise oldman look at the boy and smiled:

- Why don't you go f**k yourself and mind your own business? The terrain is mine a...

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

A plant walks into a bar.

The bartender asks “What will it be?”

The plant replied “Something light, please.”

Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!

I love plant puns....

They're so ferny.

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There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck ...

I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.

It was a ham bush!

Why does the little cannabis plant spend every other week at his father's house?

Because his parents have joint custody.

My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.

I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."

Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

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A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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