How do you get a plant drunk?

Give it root beer

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

Its not possible to plant flowers

If you haven't botany

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose?

Tree, va, go!

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

What do you call a drunk plant?

Chloroplastered

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds

Interviewer - What were you doing before ?

Me - Posting on r/Jokes

Interviewer - Hired

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

Did you hear about the guy who was eaten by a plant?

He died of natural causes

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

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A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench

The old man says, "what're you doing with that duct tape?" The boy replies saying, "I'm going to go catch some ducks." The old man says, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, the boys comes back later holding a bunch of ducks wrapped in duct tape.

The next day the boy passes th...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".

It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

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A student walked up to his psychology class's professor after class day

Student: I don't really get what happened today. Can you re-explain deductive reasoning to me?

Teacher: Alright, I'll show you an example. So you're from a farming family. Do you own a tractor

Student: Yeah I do

Teacher: Okay so from that I can tell that you own a reasonably bi...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

What’s the world’s scariest plant?

BamBOO!

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

What does a plant say when picking up the phone?

“Aloe?”

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

If plants had wifi, we'd be planting them everywhere!

Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

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I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

What part of a plant has the most friends?

The Bud

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

What is the cybertruck’s factory to be called?

The rendering plant

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

Do you want a job planting tulips?

*points at crotch*

THEN PLANT TULIPS RIGHT HERE!!

I ground up the stems of some plants to spray all over the lisp convention next week.

They're gonna be pithed.

What do you call a plant that is a DJ?

A photosynthesizer





hehe

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

If dogs were plants, what would they be?

Collie-flowers

I'm gonna go shoot myself in the head now

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I’m all about the future and try plant as many seeds as i can in public.

Unfortunately i am now a registered sex offender

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?

photosynthesis

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

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I'm going to go fertilize my garden

I'll let you know when I'm done shitting my plants

What does a scientist plant in his garden?

A chemis-tree.

What kind of pictures do u get when ur plant's sister eats the camera

Photos in the sis

What is a dogs favorite plant?

A collie flower.

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

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I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence .

A man sees two blonde workers in a field digging holes.

One worker is digging the holes, and the other one is following close behind filling the holes in.

After watching this go on for a while, the observer decides to ask them that they are doing.

"Excuse me sir, but I have to ask. Why are you simply digging holes and filling them back in?...

What kind of plant generates the most energy?

A power plant.

Did you hear about the plant thief?

He was arrested by the F-tree-I.

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

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What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

The American flag that was planted on the moon has turned white due to solar radiation.

Now future historians will think the French got there first.

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

A farmer walks into a bar...

The farmer goes to the bartender and says "Hey, I've heard you were hard to impress. Well, I've got a garden right down the street from here with plants you'll surely be impressed by!" The bartender responds "What'll be the point?" The farmer responds "How about this, if you are impressed, I get fre...

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

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Trees are clever

Tree: Holy shit I need to plant my seeds but i cant move because im a tree.

*Thinks

Tree: Hey, monkey face.

Monkey: What?

Tree: Taste my balls

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Someone stole my succulent plant.

That was aloe move.

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

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