I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

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I decided to brighten the neighborhood by planting an array of dildos over my boundary wall...

My neighbor is livid but his wife is still on the fence

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

There isn't much difference between a game console and a horsemeat packing plant

One is a Sony Playstation, the other a Pony Slaystation.

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

What plant give you the most electricity?

The currant bush!

What kind of plant is painful?

A faceplant.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who ...

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

What do you call a plant not doing its homework

Pro-grass-tination

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

Shaemus

A tour guide in Ireland was giving his tour to a group of tourists. As they traveled down the road, Shaemus pointed to a field of potatoes. "You see dat field o'er there? I planted de first potato in dat field.. but doo dey call me Shaemus de farmer?.. I tink not." The tour continues on for a bit un...

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

What happened to the plant on the windowsill of the math classroom?

It grew square roots!

My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.

I told him, "Grow a pear"!

A wise oldman was planting a date palm...

A boy approaches and asks:


- Wise oldman, why are you planting such tree if it's highly unlikely that you live enough to see it bear fruits?


The wise oldman look at the boy and smiled:


- Why don't you go f**k yourself and mind your own business? The terrain is mine a...

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Eli...

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

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What did the over-fertilized plant say to the farmer?

>!"I'm fed up with the shit you've been giving me."!<

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

Did you hear about the man who was seen naked in his greenhouse?

He was caught plants down

An old man moves into a new home in the countryside after his wife dies.

A few weeks later his son comes to visit him and finds that his father is very depressed. He doesn’t even get out of bed to greet him and doesn’t seem to have any excitement to see him. He also notices that his father rarely leaves the house and mostly just mopes around the house. The next evening, ...

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Talking Dog

A man was driving down the street one day and saw a sign: Talking Dog for Sale - $10.

Though very skeptical, he immediately pulls up to the house and knocks on the door. An old man comes out and says “you hear for the talking dog? Come around back”.

He goes around the house and sees ...

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What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

Another google meme...

Me: what is the meaning of life?



Google:

*noun*

1. 1.the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."the origins of life"
2. 2.the e...

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

Gardening..

..is so exciting, I wet my plants!

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

My friend got a job at the power plant.

He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

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Where do plant’s watch porn?

Onlyferns

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Why should you always get a pedicure before planting your garden?

Toes before hoes

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

Pravda headline after the disaster at Chernobyl

In the power plant of Chernobyl, our glorious marvel of technology, Soviet ingenuity and craftsmanship allowed hard working Soviet civil engineers, pinnacle of technology advancement worldwide, to fulfill five year plan of power generation in mere five milliseconds.

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

Vegetarianism changes everything

A vegetarian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Since I became a vegetarian it has really changed everything in my life, Even my music choices." the guy tells the bartender. "I've found Robert Plant to be a great alternative to Meatloaf."

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Why does Nicki Minaj like sitting on ferns?

Because she loves her butt in plants.

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My wife and I were going on holiday

And we were discussing our secret sexual fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed. So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

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Why is it so popular for plants to change sex?

Because they have less stigma to stamen.

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.

I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The docto...

I love plant puns....

They're so ferny.

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?

Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

A plant walks into a bar.

The bartender asks “What will it be?”

The plant replied “Something light, please.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

What does plants do when they see other plants are sad?

They photosympathize

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

Plants are incontinent

They soil themselves

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

Did you hear about the guy that worked at a nuclear power plant?

He had a total meltdown

Why does the little cannabis plant spend every other week at his father's house?

Because his parents have joint custody.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

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A man walked into a forest..

He spoke to the Oak Tree: Your branches come over each other, twisting and turning. I feel inclined to ask you why?


The Oak Tree replied: Thank you for asking! These branches house the nests of birds, and gives plentiful wood for you humans! I can allow you to take them if you like. <...

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

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I remember when I was an apprentice Japanese gardener and showed my master the pot of bulbs I'd planted..

" You Lack Crocus" he said..

I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.

It was a ham bush!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

What do you call a man who impregnated a plant?

A weed whacker

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

I was growing a Mentha plant and it suddenly died on me...

I guess it wasn't mint to be...

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

I know a guy who just got up & quit his job

He used to work at the helium plant.



Wouldn't stand being spoken to in that tone of voice.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Why was the beach next to the power plant closed?

Because it is spark infested waters.

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