It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

How do you get a plant drunk?

Give it root beer

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose?

Tree, va, go!

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

My interview at the recycling plant lasted 10 seconds

Interviewer - What were you doing before ?

Me - Posting on r/Jokes

Interviewer - Hired

A plant was following me through an alley

I told it to stop stalking me.

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.

oopsie daisy

What do you call a drunk plant?

Chloroplastered

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

Me : Lets plant a tree after each person dies.

Thanos becomes the biggest contributer of teamtrees

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

What is the most frightening plant?

BamBOO!!!

How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Ever...

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

Whats the most common crime among plants?

Treeson

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

You can't plant flowers....

...if you haven't botany

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I used to work in a recycling plant, crushing cans.

But I had to quit, it was soda pressing.

An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

Why don’t t-Rex’s eat plants?

Because they’re extinct

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

What do you call an upper class plant

A bourgeoitree

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

As I was watering the plants, my wife told me

"After you are done watering the plants, we need to talk about what I saw on your phone".

It's been 4 days, and I'm still watering the plants.

What do plants like to eat?

A Light snack...

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

I like to tease my plants...

When I water them I use ice cubes.

What do you call the study of Himalayan plants?

Bhutany.

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I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

What did one succulent British plant say to the other?

'Aloe! Vera nice to meet you!

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

What does a plant say when picking up the phone?

“Aloe?”

If plants had wifi, we'd be planting them everywhere!

Too bad they only make the oxygen we need to live.

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

So, I'm a mushroom and I decided to ask a plant out.

She says she doesn't date fungi.


I guess I should be more hedgy.

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

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I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

What part of a plant has the most friends?

The Bud

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

A farmer walks into a bar...

The farmer goes to the bartender and says "Hey, I've heard you were hard to impress. Well, I've got a garden right down the street from here with plants you'll surely be impressed by!" The bartender responds "What'll be the point?" The farmer responds "How about this, if you are impressed, I get fre...

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

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A beautiful message

An antique quote says "Those who plant Tamarinds, shall not reap those Tamarinds" Thats because normally a Tamarind plant lasts 40-50 years to mature and be able to be reaped.

One time a child found an old man farmer planting a Tamarind tree and asked "Grandpa, Why are you planting a Tamarind...

What did the plant say in the middle of the night?

"Man, I would kill for a light snack."

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

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Trees are clever

Tree: Holy shit I need to plant my seeds but i cant move because im a tree.

*Thinks

Tree: Hey, monkey face.

Monkey: What?

Tree: Taste my balls

A young rancher was showing his girlfriend around his ranch.

They walked up a hill that had two trees at its top.

The girl thought this was odd and asked, "Why are there two trees planted at the top of this hill?"

"Well," said the young rancher, "That tree over there marks the spot where I first made love."

"Oh, that's sweet," said the g...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

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Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me...

An old farmer

wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would have helped me."

The innocent son replied: "You idiot, don't dig that ground, I've hidden the guns there."

The police read th...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

Jersey Joke

Why did New York end up with all the lawyers and Jersey with all the chemical plants?





Jersey had first choice.

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants" said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm a vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I wont" I said, as I picked up a rock.

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

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A man and his wife go for an evening walk around the neighborhood

As they walk, they stop in front of a tree and the man says, "Look at this tree. Remember when we planted it?"

"Of course I remember", the wife answers. "So many beautiful memories we have together."

"Indeed", says the man. "What great day that was!"

They keep walking and see an...

How do you terrify a necrophiliac?

Plant him on a zombie.

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The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."...

My Standup Routine

Alright, here it goes.

First, I plant my feet firmly on the ground...

The farm

An old farmer was continuously digging up and replanting a fence post out by the road. He does this for several days until a young kid from next door comes over and asks him why he continues planting the same post over and over. The farmer looks at the kid then points to the sign above the entry t...

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

I’m so excited for summer!!!

I just wet my plants.

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