I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Two plants are standing next to each other.

One of them says:
"What did you have for lunch?"
The other says:
"Oh, just a light meal"

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?

Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

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Where do plant’s watch porn?

Onlyferns

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

"Mommy, how was I born?"

Well, a few years ago, your daddy and I decided to plant a seed. Your dad put it in the ground and then I took care of it for a few months.

With, time, the plant started growing more and more leaves until it grew into a big healthy plant.

We then dried it and smoked it, got very high a...

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Did you hear about the guy that worked at a nuclear power plant?

He had a total meltdown

Why does the little cannabis plant spend every other week at his father's house?

Because his parents have joint custody.

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

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I remember when I was an apprentice Japanese gardener and showed my master the pot of bulbs I'd planted..

" You Lack Crocus" he said..

What does plants do when they see other plants are sad?

They photosympathize

Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

Plants are incontinent

They soil themselves

What do you call a man who impregnated a plant?

A weed whacker

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.

It was a ham bush!

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

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An elderly man living alone in Sussex wanted to plant his annual tomato garden...

...but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and lamented his predicament:

*Dear Paul,*

*I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato gar...

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

My wife was showing me a really unique houseplant she was growing. When she first planted it, it was a male, and it produced pollen.

After a while, it stopped producing pollen and started making seeds. It had outgrown its pot, so my wife wanted me to help her put it in a larger one. I said, “Sure, I can help you transplant the transplant.”

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the...

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

Council workers

Two men are doing work for their local council. One digs holes in the ground, the other man follows behind and fills them in.

Spotting this strange behaviour a local approaches them and asks why they’re digging holes just to fill them in again.

One of the men replies, “Oh we’re usually...

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

I like my pants like I like my plants...

...soiled.

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A hot girl sitting on a large towering plant is commonly seen near where I drive to my house.

Cunt tree roads take me home.

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

What type of plants do skateboarders grow?

Faceplants

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

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A wise old monk was planting a date tree in his garden when a young man walked by.

This confused the man, who knew date trees take 80 years to bear fruit, so he asked the monk:

"Why are you planting a date tree, when you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"

The old monk smiled amicably at the young man and answered:

"My son. Go eat a fat dick. It's my garden, ...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Why was the beach next to the power plant closed?

Because it is spark infested waters.

What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind?

BamBOO!

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A cop pulls over a car...

Walking to the car, he can clearly smell weed. So, hoping for an easy bust, he asks the driver "How high are you?"

The driver thinks for a moment and replies "No officer. It's pronounced 'Hi, how are you?'"

(Bonus punchline: The cop then shoots him and plants a 9-bar.)

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?

They're both Bee-Feeders.

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How babies are made

A 10 year old girl asks her mom “how was I born?” The mother smiles and replies “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves. And in a few ...

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What do you get if you plant a field full of dildos?

Squatters!

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

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An elderly monk is tending to his garden when a young student comes by.

The student notices that the ancient monk is planting date palms. Curious, he thinks, for the date palm is known for its long fruiting time, and those the monk is planting today will take at least 7 years to bear any fruit. He approaches the monk and asks, "why do you plant these dates when you know...

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

What did the young plant say to the old plant?

Ok bloomer.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

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A team of thugs broke in to the Pfizer plant and stole all the viagra

Police say to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

no. they say "i chlorofeel you man."

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?

To get root access.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

What did the doctor give to his plant patient?

Chloropills.

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

How does an ecoterrorist operate?

He plants a bomb

Where do flowers go when they get pollinated too early in the spring?

Plant parenthood

What do you get when you cross an aloe vera plant with a dachshund?

A succuweenie.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

What is a ghost's favourite plant

Bam boo

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Those who plant dates don't harvest dates...

Once upon a time an old monk was planting dates in a yard,a man passing by noticed him and said,"Why are you planting dates knowing that you will never get to eat the fruit?"
Listening to him,the old monk replied with a kind smile on his face,"My son,go eat a fat dick,the yard is mine and I plant...

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

Why did the skateboarder bury his head in dirt?

Face plant

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop?

Spectators.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

What did the terrorist say to his teammates?

We rush B but plant at A.

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This goes out to all the sewage treatment plant workers working during quarantine.

Thank you guys, you deal with a lot more shit then us!

An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...

"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "...

Did you hear about the guy who knocked himself out when he face-planted with his patella?

No? Guess it was on a knees-to-nose basis.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

"I know how to plant a type of seed!"

"Sow what?"

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Plant based cure for COVID-19

Plant your butt at home

A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised and asked

“Fur-eel man?”

People like planting plants

But I like to plant kidneys

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Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees.

Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

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What would you say to a spanish person that planted grass seed on your butt

Grassy ass!

Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

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