One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

One of my friends gets paid minimum wage for watering plants.

Pour guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

What did the plant say to the worm?

Oooh that tickles

What do you call a plant that is a DJ?

A photosynthesizer




What happend to the plant in maths class?

It grew Square roots

If dogs were plants, what would they be?


I'm gonna go shoot myself in the head now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

Did you hear about the plant thief?

He was arrested by the F-tree-I.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

What kind of plant generates the most energy?

A power plant.

Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?


As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

Someone stole my succulent plant.

That was aloe move.

I just started my new job at the recycling plant and I hate it.

Crushing cans is soda pressing.

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

I asked my son if he wanted plant protein blends.

He said no whey dad

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

The plant went home one night without groceries

It was because it never botany.

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

I heard that plants grow faster when you play music for them

I hope they like Plantera

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Muslim plant?


I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

Toilets in power plants are always built on level surfaces...

to prevent rolling brown outs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

What do chefs call plants that make them laugh?

Amuse Bush.

I don't trust companies that plant trees

It's such a shady business.

You can't plant flowers...

...if you haven't botany.

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

I was going to give my friend books of jokes on the anatomy of plants

But I haven’t botany yet

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

I can't believe plant-based protein powder exists

There's no whey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

What's the difference between a nuclear power plant and your mom?

I need protection to enter a nuclear power plant.

What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment?


You know, being unsure if I'm a plant is actually pretty cool.

Am I rye?

What happens when you plant a cow?

It grows into a bovine.

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

A Plant's Guide to Autoerotic Asphyxiation

By Artichoke

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

What do you call a league of battling plants?

Phyte club.

Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.

What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed?

A lobotany

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?

A satisfactory

What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "How was I born?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and s...

What's the difference between a plant and a vegetable?

A vegetable needs life support.

Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

What do you call a wise plant?

Enlighten Mint!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

Weed ain't a drug, its a plant.

Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band

The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Pote...

I would have really liked to study plants in college...

but my university hadn’t botany.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

There was a fire at the plant where they make Nike Jordans.

Over a thousand soles were lost.

What did the hippie farmer plant in his backyard

Some sweet peas

Why couldn't the plant escape the jail?

Because his cell had walls.

Where does the president of plants live?

In the Green House

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two men head out to their greenhouse to tend to their marijuana plants

But when they enter, they're a bit shocked as a fully matured cow is just standing there, sniffing the plants.

"Holy shit!" says the one man. "How the hell did it get in here?"

But the other man looks at him in a serious way and says to him "Calm down my friend. The steaks have never ...

What's the noisiest plant?


What's the same about r/jokes and a recycling plant

Recycling plants usually aren't funny.

What's the worst part of working at a meat packing plant?

It's a total sausage fest.

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outsid...

A man walks into a garden centre looking to buy some plants.

Upon entering, he sees a plant with beautiful purple/red flowers...and notices it also has hands that are tightly gripping something.

Amazed by this, he tries to pry the fingers apart in order to see what is between the plant's hands, but is unable to.

He approaches one of the workers ...

A plant fell on my head...

I'm alright though, it was no big dill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a phallic, prickly plant in the desert?

A Cocktus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girls with houseplants make good girlfriends.

Because they’ve learned to care for something that sits around all day being fucking useless.

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...