I've lost 20% of my couch...

Ouch.

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

I was looking at homes with my wife just the other day

We had been looking at buying our first house for quite some time for the two years that we were married for. We had searched near, far and in between for a nice, yet affordable place, until we went looking just the other day, where we found exactly what we wanted.

It was a particularly stran...

I was sitting on the couch when my mom came up to me and started rubbing me with an eraser...

I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "Well, aren't erasers for mistakes?"

Irony is getting pregnant...

on a pull-out couch.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

The storm blew away 20% of my couch last night

Ouch

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey..

It was a cruel and unusual thing that cost me the best years of my life to a crippling depression. Whatever joy i had only seemed to dwindle over time, as my hokey pokey induced stupors reduced an eternal bond to several years of a loveless marriage.




And believe me, I tried so ha...

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

Can't believe the near death experience I had the other day

A sudden heart attack on my couch! I was going to call 911, and then I realized

I can't die in a living room

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

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I found out the couch I got on Craigslist had the pride flag drawn on the back

So now I have a homosectional

My wife said the lake was so pretty.

I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"

I said "no I mean large and frigid"


I love my new couch bed.

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

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My wife just asked me if she looked fat..

This literally just happened...

My wife asked me if she looked fat after eating the biggest meal of our lives.

I said "no honey, you look great".

She said "Well you have to say that. If you didn't, I would have to kill you"

Apparently "I'd like to see your fat ass try" wa...

A child asked his mother when you got pregnant with me, did you want a boy or girl?

Nether, I wanted the remote under the Couch.

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

One evening I drove my sister home.

Her boyfriend and her cat Timmy were waiting there for her.

Me: "How's your chubby?"

Her: "Aw, you know him. Sometimes he is hungry. Sometimes he cries for attention if he is not sleeping. But if we ignore him good enough, he then jumps up onto the couch and cuddles with us. All in all...

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Last night I was sitting on the couch

When I heard my wife’s voice coming from the kitchen.

“What would you like honey? Chicken, beef, or lamb?”

“Thank you... I’ll have the chicken,” I replied.



She said,

“Shut the hell up, you fat bastard. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

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TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.

Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

My friends and I were given the death penalty

We pleaded to the judge that if we die, we die together. So instead of sending us one by one with an electric chair, they brought the electric couch.
I guess we're about to get execushioned.

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly.

I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

What does the furniture say when you kick it?

Couch.

My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

You know what my couch and I have in common?

Neither of us pull out

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

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A man looses his thesaurus.

He searches all over his house for it. He’s double checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.

His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.

Man: Did you take my thesaurus?

Daughter: ...

Someone stole 40% of my couch...

Now it's really uncomfortable.

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

A mother-in-law

stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-...

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. (NSFW)

His wife, sitting on the couch, looks up.

He says “well, this is the cow I’ve been fucking”

His wife shakes her head, “you’re drunk, that’s no cow, it’s a duck”

The man says “I was talking to the duck”

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

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A grandpa is eating cake on the couch..

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch and his grandson asks if he can have some.
The grandpa says "can your penis touch your butthole?" The grandson says no. The grandpa says okay there's your answer.
The next day grandpa was eating ice cream at the table and the grand son asks if he can have...

What’s the difference between a couch and me?

My couch pulls out.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

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A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

I found Jesus!

He was behind the couch the whole time.

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend...

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

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As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 a...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

What's a couch that you see in the distance?

A sofar.

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know."

At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, ...

What did the donkey say to the couch

Nothing, cause donkeys can’t speak

An old couple are sitting in their living room.

The old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.



Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman....

I don't think I could handle a 5k

If I could just sit on the couch all day that would be 0k.

My wife called me seductively and asked me if I can be naked when she gets home from work.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my father-in-law like a moron.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

I went to Walmart today and I was there for literally 5 minutes....

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and sta...

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

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True story

After our daughter went to bed, my wife and I were watching a “James Bond” movie and, after a bit, he took off his shirt and I, joking around, said to my wife:
“Oh, you like that don’t you? You’re probably getting horny!”
Suddenly, I saw our kid behind the couch and she asked:
“What’s ho...

My roommate had a terrible rash

My roommate had a terrible rash that didn't seem to want to go away.

He decided to go see the doctor about it.

I came home that day to see him crying on the couch.

"Oh no... bad news?"

"Nope! The doctor said I'll be fine. He told me to 'Just go home and moist your eyes.'"

New position

I was watching tv when my wife called out to me from the kitchen and asked if I might want to try a new position. I yelled back "hell yeah"!

So she replied "Fantastic , so you come stand at this sink, and i will lay on the couch"

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A 90 year-old man marries a beautiful 25 year-old woman...

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says "Honey, I'm tired after all this excitement. I'm going to go to bed. See you in the morning." She say ok, and off he goes to bed, whil...

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A guy comes home from work ...

A guy comes home from work and sees his wife on the couch crying. He quickly asks her what’s wrong?

She says all her friends make fun of her because here boobs are so small.

The husband took a second to think and said I have an idea.

The wife said what is it? I’ll do anyt...

Murphy's Law? No. Mother in law's Choice

Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the ...

A wife is vacuuming as her husband relaxes on the couch...

All of a sudden the vacuum stops and the wife yells at her husband "HUNNY I THINK THE VACUUM IS BROKEN, ITS NOT SUCKING ANYMORE!"


He responds: "I guess it got married!"

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Once there was a man named Bill

Once there was a man named Bill. Bill got kicked out of his girlfriends apartment and decided to call his buddy Paul.

"Hey, Paul, I got kicked out of my girlfriends apartment. Do you mind if I stay with you for a few days?"

"Sure," said Paul, "but I don't have a couch so you have to sl...

An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour...

(Bo Burnham) I got my girlfriend pregnant

On a pullout couch

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Potatoes

A girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other and, finally, they got married,
and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half...

A couple are sitting on their couch when their son walks in.

He tries to put in his phone in his new phone cover.

Son: It's too big, it doesn't fit.

Father: That's what she said!

Mother: That's what you wish i said!

#savagemom

And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

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A man and his wife are out golfing together

The man accidentally swings his club a little to hard and sends the ball flying through the window of a nearby house. After approaching the window, they see a little man sitting on the couch next to the window and a vase that the ball had broken. After the couple apologizes for the vase, the little ...

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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

Last night I smashed my friends Mom.-

I stopped by my friend's house late last night. I rang the doorbell and his mom answered. Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. She told me to come in, so I did. I took my shoes off and went to the living room and sat on the couch. She came bac...

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Ho Ho Ho

In the spirit of the upcoming Holiday I would like to share a story my Father told me when I was a boy. He sat me on his knee and said:

Long ago on a snowy Christmas Eve Santa was out delivering toys to all the good kiddies. Like the many before this one it was all work, curdled milk and lame...

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

Once upon a time there lived a regular old cheerio.

One day he went outside for a walk and noticed the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio he had ever seen leaving her house. In love, the cheerio went to her and said

“Excuse me, you’re the most beautiful honey-nut cheerio I’ve ever seen, will you go on a date with me?”

The honey-nut cheer...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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Getting hard

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

A guy and a girl are making out on a couch.

She says, “let’s take this upstairs.”

He replies, “okay, I’ll pick up this end. You grab the other”

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A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn'...

Paddy and the new girlfriend

Paddy rings his new  girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

Excitedly she opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags Paddy in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Padd...

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Sitting on the couch with my horny wife...

I was sitting on the couch with my rather horny wife,

She had a lovely glass of gin,

And I had my Dickens cider

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Lovely Couple

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.

Wife: "Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?"

Husband: "Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, 'gee I'd lik...

If the drummer is also the lead singer...

... Whose couch does he sleep on?

I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

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The Perverted Boss....

The boss at a small company was a very perverted guy. Everyone knew about it and usually kept their distance. The boss recently hired a new smoking hot secretary. Everyone told her to keep her distance from him but she wasn't fazed.



One day the boss told the secretary that he has kep...

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So I was at my girlfriend’s house

and I was sitting on her couch waiting for her to come home from work, when her incredibly hot sister walked into the room. She comes and sits down next to me and says, “We should have sex before my sister gets home.” I immediately get off the couch and walk out the front door. My girlfriend was wai...

So it's that time of the month,

And my wife says to me: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but cramping is your uterus shedding its lining, right?"

Laying on the couch in pain, I reply: "Yes, it's the muscles literally cramping to break up the lining and pass it... It's a weird flex but it's okay."

She's not happy with me rig...

A preacher visits an elderly congregation member

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. 
"No, not at all!" the woman replied. 
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that in...

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