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Couch Jokes

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch

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What do you get when you cross a human with a couch?

A Homosectional.

What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?

Sectional assault.

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

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I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

My husband and I were chilling on the couch. Him playing a video game and me on Reddit. When he looks over at me sweetly and asks me if I want to play around.

I got excited and started leaning in for a kiss when he handed me the video game remote. I realized the importance of a space very quickly.
>!He was asking if I wanted to ‘play a round’!<

President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet.

Now he’s talking with the couch

All four Metallica members are sitting on a couch, with Lars being right next to the telephone. As it rings, Cliff goes to pick it up. What’s the problem?

It should have been Lars.

Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.

I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

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When we were in high school,

my girlfriend and I were “making out” on her parents’ couch in the basement. She whispered in my ear, “Do you want to take this upstairs?”

Somewhat surprised, I answered, “Sure, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other—this thing weighs a ton.”

Never saw her again.

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.

I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!

William Shatner tried to start a home furniture company in the 90's.

It didn't do well though cause no one wanted to buy a Shatner Bed or Couch.

Deja Vu

A man was sitting on a couch, reading something on his phone when suddenly he complained to his wife: "Honey, im reading something on my phone, and i swear i have read that before. Do you think im having a Deja Vu?" To which, his wife replies: "Oh my dear, are you reading r/Jokes again?"

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explain...

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A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say,

"have you got a tight, bald cunt?"

The woman answers, "hang on and I'll get him, he's on the couch watching TV."

Two guys are sitting on a couch

watching a reality cop show. One of them says: "World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don't think I can go outside ever again."

His friend: "At some point we have to! I'm afraid the homeowners are coming home soon."

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Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.

She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don't see anything.”

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he says calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming. <...

I'm not a fan of that couch but

that ceiling is up there

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

*The parking tickets*

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a **handicap spot**.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writ...

Though they couldn’t be more different, explorers and couch potatoes have one thing in common.

They’re both looking for the remote.

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

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A man was sitting in the couch when his wife came in

The wife told him their son needs 200 dollars for school donation so he gave it to her.

Later that day his son hugged him and thanked him for the 50 he gave to school.

And few hours later the principal messaged him to thank him for the 10 dollars donation.

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The Redneck Honeymoon

A guy redneck and a girl redneck just got married. It's the night of the honeymoon and the guy's parents come home to find their son sitting there on the couch.

"Son, what are you doing here? Tonight's your honeymoon, you should be with your bride."

The son looks up forlornly, with tea...

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A man is lying on a couch in his therapists office...

The man: Doc, I think I have a fetish for figuring things out.

Therapist: ...What makes you think that?

The man: I just came to that realization.

What does that couch have in common with your mom?

Both of them are supportive

I drank a little too much at the bar last night, so I walked home...

Stumbled, actually. I was messing around with the keys and couldn't open the front door. After a few minutes a cop rolled up, got out of the car and asked if I was OK. "Yes, officer, just a little drunk, and trying to get into my house here" The officer asked if I was sure this was my house. "Of cou...

My doppelganger has just walked in, and sat on the other end of the couch

I'm beside myself with shock

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As I settled down on my friend’s couch for the night, he asked me...

“So your wife kicked you out for drinking too much on a fishing trip and sticking your dick in a net?”

“No” I replied sullenly. “Annette”

A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.

"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.

"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."

"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it...

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A woman is sitting at home on the couch,

She hears a knock on the door. She answers it, and there's a guy standing there... he says "Excuse me miss, do you have a vagina?", and she slams the door closed. The next morning she's sitting on the couch again and there's a knock on the door, she opens it and the same man says "Excuse Me Miss, do...

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A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!

It left a negative impression.

I was watching A New Hope on my felt couch the other day...

When I suddenly let rip a massive fart, so big that it caused the fabric to ruck up and fold over itself.

I forced a great disturbance in the felt.

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

Angry

My wife and I never go to bed angry

When she is mad at me, she makes me sleep on the couch

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

My wife asked me about love handles and now I have to sleep on the couch.

Apparently telling her I love my handle of Jack Daniels didn't sit right.

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It's a couples 25th anniversary.

He comes home to find his wife on the couch wearing crotchless panties. She spreads her legs open and says "You want some of this baby!" He said "Fuck No, look what it did to your underwear!"

One day a woman was lying on her couch watching TV when she heard her boyfriend in the kitchen

She assumed he was in there getting some ice cream and she called in there "Bring me some too!" A few minutes later, the boyfriend comes into the living room and hands her a bowl. She says "thanks" and takes a bite and immediately spits it out in disgust. "What is this? It's disgusting!" she exclaim...

What do you call an authoritarian couch potato?

A dictator tot

I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?"

I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

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A mother, father, and their young son are sitting on the couch watching tv

The boy is eating some yogurt, and his mom asks him how he likes it. He replies “it’s fucking great you moron”.
The mom is very upset so she looks at her husband and asks “where do you think he got that from?”, and he replies “from the fucking fridge, moron”.

I Told My Psychiatrist That I Had Delusions That I Was A Dog

He told me to get off his couch.

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on.

There were reaper cushions.

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

Just once I would like to go to a acupuncturist, lay down on his couch and when he says "how can I help you?"

I'll say "Well I keep getting pins and needles in my leg"

paranoid fantasies

A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
...

I was sitting on the couch when my mom came up to me and started rubbing me with an eraser...

I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "Well, aren't erasers for mistakes?"

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

How do you know a hippie stayed on your couch?

He's still there.

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A man is sitting on the couch watching TV...

When he hears a little knock on the door. He gets up, goes to the door, opens it, but there isn't anyone there. A little iritated, he closes the door and sits back down on the couch.

A few seconds later, theres another little knock at the door. The man jumps up and rushes to the door, fling...

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A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"

The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

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So there's a guy sitting on his couch watching T.V.

He hears a knock at the door and gets up to answer. Opens it and there's a snail sitting there. He picks up the snail and throws it. About a year later he gets another knock and it's that same snail. The snail looks up at him and says "What the fuck was that about?!"

My mom said I would never be anything laying on the couch all day

Look at me now, I'm saving the world

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

A boy and a man sit on a couch together.

The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age either."

My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

Me and the girlfriend were sitting on the couch

With my cell phone in my hand and her watching her show. I asked her if she could get me a beer and she said no. Then her cell phone rang in the kitchen and she quickly got up to see what it was. My message said while you're in the kitchen can you get me a beer. I don't remember the rest

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

My wife asked me to get off the couch and go to yoga with her

I told her, namaste.

TIFU by getting my girlfriend a fake leather couch.

I should have known she wanted me to "pleasure" her.

Damn her and her lisp

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, bu...

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I came home from work today to find my wife and her two fat friends eating doritos on the couch..

I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" "You herd"

PS: obligatory repost after reading the other joke in the frontpage

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An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.

It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

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A guy and his duck.

A guy walks into his living room, he's got a duck on his head. The guy's wife is sitting on the couch watching TV.
The guy says; "This is the pig I've been fucking."
The guy's wife says; "That's not a pig, it's a duck!."
The guy says; "I was talking to the duck."

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What do you call a sexually active couch?

A pullout.

My friend who’s a werewolf brought his kids over to my BBQ. They tore my new couch into shreds

No wonder it’s called a litter

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

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