I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

I lost 20% of my couch

ouch

I was on my couch making out with my girlfriend, when she asked if I wanted to take this to the bedroom

So I said sure, you grab one end, I’ll grab the other.

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

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I found out the couch I got on Craigslist had the pride flag drawn on the back

So now I have a homosectional

My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot

Ouch

You know what my couch and I have in common?

Neither of us pull out

What’s the difference between a couch and me?

My couch pulls out.

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

What kind of couch doesnt like to commit?

A pull out couch

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

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A grandpa is eating cake on the couch..

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch and his grandson asks if he can have some.
The grandpa says "can your penis touch your butthole?" The grandson says no. The grandpa says okay there's your answer.
The next day grandpa was eating ice cream at the table and the grand son asks if he can have...

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

What did the donkey say to the couch

Nothing, cause donkeys can’t speak

Someone stole 40% of my couch...

Now it's really uncomfortable.

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

What's a couch that you see in the distance?

A sofar.

A wife is vacuuming as her husband relaxes on the couch...

All of a sudden the vacuum stops and the wife yells at her husband "HUNNY I THINK THE VACUUM IS BROKEN, ITS NOT SUCKING ANYMORE!"


He responds: "I guess it got married!"

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

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A mother, father, and their young son are sitting on the couch watching tv

The boy is eating some yogurt, and his mom asks him how he likes it. He replies “it’s fucking great you moron”.
The mom is very upset so she looks at her husband and asks “where do you think he got that from?”, and he replies “from the fucking fridge, moron”.

I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

A guy and a girl are making out on a couch.

She says, “let’s take this upstairs.”

He replies, “okay, I’ll pick up this end. You grab the other”

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

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Sitting on the couch with my horny wife...

I was sitting on the couch with my rather horny wife,

She had a lovely glass of gin,

And I had my Dickens cider

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

I have an L shaped couch...

lowercase.

*kissing on small couch*

Her: We should have a threes-

Me: I'll call Karen

Her: ...three-seater. Karen?

Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch

Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?

A couple are sitting on their couch when their son walks in.

He tries to put in his phone in his new phone cover.

Son: It's too big, it doesn't fit.

Father: That's what she said!

Mother: That's what you wish i said!

#savagemom

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What's the difference between my cock and my couch?

My couch is soft and I don't let my dog sit on it.

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A guy and his friend are sitting on the couch while having a conversation.

One of them says "hey man, i fucked your teacher in grade 5."

The other says "but, we were homeschooled!"

He says "I know."

My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch.

It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s about to start.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is tha...

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I came home from work today to find my wife and her two fat friends eating doritos on the couch..

I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" "You herd"

PS: obligatory repost after reading the other joke in the frontpage

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

A man is lying on the couch.

He shouldn't do that. Lying is bad.


He should tell the truth.

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Today I had sex with the couch

It felt sofa king good.

A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs.

He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"

He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded ...

What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?

There will be grim reaper cushions

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A man is sitting on the couch one evening when his son walks in and tells his father he lost his virginity

The father jumps up from joy and claps his hands and says: Congratulations son! Here, have a beer and take a seat.

The son says: The beer I can take, but I can not sit for a while

I’m working the couch-to-5k program

So far, I’m really good at the couch part

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

The boy is at his girlfriend's house making out with her on the couch...

... when they hear her parents coming back home.
They quickly sit up straight, fix their hair and pretend to be watching TV.
The mom says "I brought some food, are you guys hungry?"
They go to the table and the boy says "mmmm this fish cake is delicious!"
The mom says "go wash yo...

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A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"

The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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I was surfing for porn and came across this wierd film with a guy sitting in his couch crying while masturbating

Then I noticed my computer wasn't turned on

Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

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So there's a guy sitting on his couch watching T.V.

He hears a knock at the door and gets up to answer. Opens it and there's a snail sitting there. He picks up the snail and throws it. About a year later he gets another knock and it's that same snail. The snail looks up at him and says "What the fuck was that about?!"

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I hired a porno the other day but instead of seeing hot young ladies pleasuring each other, the movie consisted entirely of some fat old man sitting on his couch holding his dick.

Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.

What is the difference between a couch and a black person?

Couch can support a family of five.

What do you call a two-week celebration of tree houses, couch cushion lean-tos, and cardboard box buildings?

A fortnight.

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch?

Science friction.

I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch...

Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch.






(Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording)

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

When you find pennies under your couch,

It might just be spiders trying to pay rent.

My girlfriend was getting off the couch and I said "Floor is lava! I dare you to move"

She said she's been wanting to for a while and moved out.

Baaayyyee

What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste

A women saw her daughter-in-law lying on the couch naked

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son’s house. after a quick knock on the door, she let herself in.

She is shocked when she finds her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

“what are you do...

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A kid surprises his father on the couch... [NSFW]

- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.

Husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV...

The husband then opens a beer and finishes it in a second.

Husband: "I love you."

Wife: "Is that you talking? Or is that the beer talking?"

Husband: "That's ME Talking to the beer".

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

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This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and masturbated.

The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.

What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?

Namastè (nah-ima-stay)

Baby, give me that couch..

.. cause I need some sectional healing!

Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics?

It was a fabricated story.

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A man looses his thesaurus.

He searches all over his house for it. He’s double checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it. Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members.

His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.

Man: Did you take my thesaurus?

Daughter: ...

What do couch potatoes evolve into?

Computer chips.

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