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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

Making sure the punchline appears after the set up.

What's the key to a good time travel joke?

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

There are two booths set up at a Trump rally.

Someone asks "why isn't anyone lined up at this booth?"

"It's a kissing booth."

"Why's everyone over at the other booth?"

"That's the punch line."

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

What's the ideal set up to watch acclaimed movies while stuck at home from Corona?

A Tent in Quarantino

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

What game is set up to make every player always lose?

Schizophrenic russian roulette

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

What does a video of a Food Buffet being set up, look like?

I dont know yet, its still Buffering

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

A woman with an MLM set up shop in front of my house

In anger, I step outside ready to kill her. Then I see my What Would Jesus Do wristband.

So I grabbed a whip and chased the her out of my temple

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...

...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.

That's a nice sham you've set up

It'd be a shame if someone....



added an e

I set up a summer school in Israel for kids with ADHD ...

But apparently my name for it, Jewish Concentration Camp won’t work.

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.

He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

My sister got set up for a blind date

My dad said "Thank goodness he's blind, that way he doesn't have to see your face!"

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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree?

I heard it was a pretty shady business.

What kind of dates do scientists like to be set up on?

Double blind

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

Couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so I called my dad...

He gave me some sound advice.

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...

He was worried about possibly going out with a prude but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Disappointed, he realized this date was get...

My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

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I'm going to set up my own religion!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

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I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors...

business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.

I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment!

I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the ...

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

A man from a primitive island walked into a library...

He asked the librarian how he could learn more about survival and rope making.


The librarian sat him down at one of the computers and told him, "Okay, open firefox."
With a confused glance, the man stood up and walked out of the library.
The librarian continued her shift until...

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