UPJOKE
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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.

They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.

One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".


"Yes."

An hour later, no car has passed by.


"Are you sure you got the time right?"...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

How does a pirate set up a Bluetooth speaker?

Parrot with his phone

Two tradesman set up for road work: one a veteran and the other a literalist rookie.

“You just stand there by the ‘end road work’ work sign and direct folks through the orange cones”, says the veteran.

“But I’m not sure I can do that, that’s a big responsibility to carry for a lot of people”.

“Sure you can, it’s a simple job, they’ll get the message”.

After the ...

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If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Making sure the punchline appears after the set up.

What's the key to a good time travel joke?

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

My boss told me i need to set up the company's 401k

But I don't think I can run that far..

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant. It didn’t last very long.

The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

I once had to set up MS OneNote on my laptop......

My brother asked "Dad what is onenote?" and my dad explained this to him saying its like evernote where you can keep notes on your computer. Suddenly my brother asked " Wait, why is it called onenote not manynote if it can hold lots of notes?



yea im not that funny IK

I set up a production business for oils that clear up colds and nasal blockages.

An olfactory oil factory

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

What's the ideal set up to watch acclaimed movies while stuck at home from Corona?

A Tent in Quarantino

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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

That's a nice sham you've set up

It'd be a shame if someone....



added an e

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...

...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.

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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

My sister got set up for a blind date

My dad said "Thank goodness he's blind, that way he doesn't have to see your face!"

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.

He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.

So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...

He was worried about possibly going out with a prude but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Disappointed, he realized this date was get...

What kind of dates do scientists like to be set up on?

Double blind

Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree?

I heard it was a pretty shady business.

Couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so I called my dad...

He gave me some sound advice.

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

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I'm going to set up my own religion!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment!

I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though.

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I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors...

business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.

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