Two tradesman set up for road work: one a veteran and the other a literalist rookie.

“You just stand there by the ‘end road work’ work sign and direct folks through the orange cones”, says the veteran.

“But I’m not sure I can do that, that’s a big responsibility to carry for a lot of people”.

“Sure you can, it’s a simple job, they’ll get the message”.

After the ...

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If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

Making sure the punchline appears after the set up.

What's the key to a good time travel joke?

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

I set up a production business for oils that clear up colds and nasal blockages.

An olfactory oil factory

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

My boss told me i need to set up the company's 401k

But I don't think I can run that far..

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant. It didn’t last very long.

The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

I once had to set up MS OneNote on my laptop......

My brother asked "Dad what is onenote?" and my dad explained this to him saying its like evernote where you can keep notes on your computer. Suddenly my brother asked " Wait, why is it called onenote not manynote if it can hold lots of notes?



yea im not that funny IK

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

There are two booths set up at a Trump rally.

Someone asks "why isn't anyone lined up at this booth?"

"It's a kissing booth."

"Why's everyone over at the other booth?"

"That's the punch line."

What's the ideal set up to watch acclaimed movies while stuck at home from Corona?

A Tent in Quarantino

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...

...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

That's a nice sham you've set up

It'd be a shame if someone....



added an e

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A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.

He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

My sister got set up for a blind date

My dad said "Thank goodness he's blind, that way he doesn't have to see your face!"

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

A group of mediators decide to set up a league. They are not concerned with what was, nor with what will-be. There are concerned with what just-is

a just-is league if you will

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree?

I heard it was a pretty shady business.

What kind of dates do scientists like to be set up on?

Double blind

My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.

So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...

He was worried about possibly going out with a prude but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Disappointed, he realized this date was get...

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

Couldn't figure out how to set up my stereo system, so I called my dad...

He gave me some sound advice.

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I'm going to set up my own religion!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

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I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors...

business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.

I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment!

I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

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I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

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