A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says:
- You're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
The horse replies:
- I don't think I am - and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy 'I think; therefore, I am'.

But, to explain that part before t...

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

I tell it in the wrong order.

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

They're out of order.

What does a toilet cubicle and this joke have in common?

We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.

He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, “I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America”.

This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.

...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Tequila.

"What are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob."

"Congratulations! In that case, number 7 is on the house."

"Buddy, if 6 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

A Polish man walks into a storefront and orders some Polish sausage.

"Are you Polish?" Asked the clerk.

"Yes but what does that matter? If I ordered pepperoni would you ask if I was Italian?"

"No."

"If I ordered bratwurst would you ask if I was German?"

"No."

"So why did you ask if I was Polish?"

"This is the bank."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee

The waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

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A grown up man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

Right a‌‌fter t‌‌hem c‌‌ome f‌‌our s‌‌hots o‌‌f J‌‌aegermeister a‌‌nd f‌‌ive o‌‌f a‌‌bsinthe.

The b‌‌artender s‌‌ays, "‌‌Whoa t‌‌here b‌‌uddy. T‌‌hat's a‌‌ l‌‌ot o‌‌f s‌‌hots. W‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n?"

The m‌‌an r‌‌eplies, "‌‌You k‌‌now, I‌‌ t‌‌urned 5‌‌0 t‌‌oday a‌‌nd I'm celebrating my...

I went to a restaurant and ordered a mobius strip steak...

I never could finish it.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

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A bear walks in to a bar in Butte, Montana orders a red beer...

Bartend says "sorry buddy, we don't serve red beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
Bears says " that a fact"
"Yup" the bartender replies.
Now the bear gets angry, Yelling, stomping and causing a ruckus.
There's a old bar fly causing an equal ruckus, at the other end of the bar, ...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

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A man orders soup in a restaurant...

When the waiter delivers the soup, the man notices the waiter has his thumb immersed in the soup.

Man: WTH, why is your thumb in my soup?!?

Waiter: Well sir, I have a huge boil on my finger and I was told to apply heat so it could heal faster.

Man: YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT FINGER AN...

Hello, may I have your order?

No, this is mine. Go get your own!

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink...

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… t...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

What did Oliver Twist order at the Indian restaurant?

Please, can I have samosa?

Just ordered 1,000 litres of Tippex.

Big mistake.

I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon

Ill let you know!

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "that'll be a dollar"

The guy thinks, "man, that's cheap," but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. "Bartender, I'll have your finest wine" bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. "That...

I was gonna get a Mail-Order Bride

but in light of recent events, I'm gonna order me an Amazon Woman

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” says the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender, “No hassle.”

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

A man orders three drinks

A man orders three drinks, all the same, all at once, and drinks them all.

"You know we got plenty" says the bartender "No need to let them all sit"

"Oh, you see, it's a tradition" says the man "Me and my two brothers used to go out to get drinks together. We've since gone our separat...

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

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What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?

Something Gin-ey

In a bar. What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?

"A beer please, and one for the road."

When Hannibal gets fast food, what does he order?

A kids meal, with extra kids.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a Rum and Coke.

The bartender hands him an apple. “What the hell is this? I said rum and coke?” The guy says. “Trust me”, says the bartender. The guy takes a bite, and says “Wow, this tastes like rum!” Bartender says, “Turn it around.” The guy turns it around, and takes a bite. “Wow, this tastes just like coke!” An...

I found a note in with my drive-thru order saying there were two armed men in the kitchen.

Thank god for that, it would be pretty difficult to make a chicken wrap with only one arm!

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The barman asks "dry?"

The German replies "Nein. Just one."

Why does Death’s intern always follow his boss’s orders?

Because he doesn’t want to face any Reaper-percussions

Death in the corner: *Badum tsss*

*Oh no*

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

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A man walks into bar and orders full glass of vodka

Bartender asks him:
- What are you celebrating, mister?
He says:
- Today i got to know the taste of wild sex
Bartender:
- Congratulations! Can i offer you a bottle of champagne in this case?
A man:
- Thank you, sir, but i think champagne won't kill this taste

"I order you to stand over the new recruits. Do you understand, Lieutenant?"

"No, I overstand".

I've just joined a rock band that play the same songs in the same order at every gig.

We're OC/DC

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So a guy walks into a truck stop and orders soup...

It arrives in a few minutes. The waiter has his finger in the soup. As he sets the soup down the guy goes: “Oi!!! What gives with the finger in my soup???”

The waiter replies affably: “Oh, it’s just that I have a cuticle infection and keeping it warm helps.”

“Why in the ever loving fuc...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

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A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

“We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18” says the bartender.

Empower Palpatine wants to order some pizzas

A clone enquires: “How many pizzas should we order, my lord?”





“Order 66”

When ordering food at a restaurant

I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

My Mexican friend is naming his sons in relation to the order they are born.

At least I think that was the idea, because his first son is called Juan, and his second son is called Juan too.

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

2 brothers walk in to a bar and order 3 beers.

They each drink their beer and leave the last beer untouched, pay and leave.

They do this every day and one day the bartender asks why they never drink the third beer.

They say that they are 2 of 3 brothers and they promised each other that they would order a drink for each brother eve...

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

Judge : I order you to pay £10,000

MARIO : why

Judge : it’s a fine

MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

I ordered a book explaining clocks the other day

When it finally came I thought, "It's about time"

How big does a bird have to be in order to be considered an outcast?

Ostrichsized

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

I was with my wife at mcdonalds drive thru and after 3 mins when they gave her our order she began complaining how agonizingly long the wait was.

Turns out reminding her that last night she told me 3 mins was way to quick was not a good response

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A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.

A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?...

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

What did Lou Bega order at the Mexican Restaurant?

COMBO NUMBA FIVE!

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".


He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"


The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".


He slides the bow...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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A man sitting at a bar orders a bottle of whiskey

He then starts taking long sips from the bottle until it's empty. An hour later he decides he's too drunk and he needs to go back home to his wife. He makes an attempt to stand up but fails miserably, throwing himself on the floor.

The bartender helps him back on his chair and tells him to wa...

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

What pizza does the Dalai Lama order?

One with everything

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink.

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink. There is an older man sitting at a table in the corner who has clearly been drinking. He comes up to them and points to the man in the middle and says, "Hey you, I f***** your mom." He then goes back and sits down at his table.well the men are shock...

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A man steps into a bar with a bird on a leash walking besides him. he straddles up to the bar and sets the bird on the counter to order a drink.

Every few minutes the bird erupts into flames burns to ash and from the ashes a new baby bird is produced.

After a wile of watching this the bartender leans over to the man and says “you know that bird is really something, what’s your name friend?”

The man looks up to the bartender an...

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

There is a new cult called The Order of the Follicle that worships human hair.

Shaving is considered hair-esy.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

Why did nasa order sprite?

Because they couldn't get 7up

Ordering octopus at a restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ...

A man rang the Chinese restaurant to order some food...

"Can I speak to Ha-Fin?"

"No, Ha-Fin is out."

"Is that Ha-Fout?"

"No, Ha-Fout is not in."

"Well, who is that?"

"I'm Ha-Fup, the receptionist."

"Sorry, I'll call you back when you're not busy."

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’

Needless to say, the Second one died

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

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There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them.

When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.
He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

[NSFW] An American and a Russian walk in a bar...

“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.

“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.

Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;

“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.

Not one to b...

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender "I'll have a H20". The second one says "I'll have a H2O as well", making sure to not have his order confused with H2O2.

The second chemist died anyway, because the bartender was a chemistry student who had been waiting his whole life for this.

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic

Out of nowhere a monkey comes by and takes the lime, eats it, and downs the rest of the drink.

Shocked the man sits in stunned silence as he watches the monkey eat some cherries, lemons and oranges out of the garnish tray behind the bar.

The man stands up and yells to get the barten...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

what did the robot order at the take away place?

computer chips with a dessert of raspberry pi

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

Man orders a drink from the bar

Man: "Rum & Coke please"

Bartender: "Rum and coke? Um, Is Pepsi OK?"

Man: "Yeah, Pepsi is fine."

Bartender: "Great, one Pepsi & Coke comin' right up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

A gohst enters a bar and order a whiskey

A ghost enters a bar and order a whiskey.

But the barman refuses to pour him the drink: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits"

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini

The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"

The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"

What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant?

Tapas

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

What did a brain surgeon order at a restaurant?

A seizure salad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

I do not follow any order!

\+ Your cellphone battery is at 5%. Connect your charger.

\- Ok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it

i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

He finished it, and the bartender asks if he wants another one. The horse replies “I think not” and disappears.

This joke is normally told with Rene Descartes as the subject, but to tell you that one first is to put Descartes before the horse.

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

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