You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

What do Timon and Pumbaa order at Italian Restaurants?

>!The Tuna Piccata!<

Polar Bear Orders Beer

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’ll have. The bear says “guess I’ll have a ............... ................ ............... beer.” The bartender asks “Why the big pause?” The polar bear replies. “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger

The librarian says, "This is a library."

The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He puts a frog on the table in front of him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

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My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drank blood?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, I’m making tea".

A doctor comes to a bar and orders almonds and daiquiri everyday

One day the bartender gives him hickory instead of almonds
The doctor asked what is this?
The bartender said “ it a hickory daiquiri doc”

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

In order to get H2O from the ground

You have to know water well

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A man orders a taxi late at night

He tells the driver where to go and the ride is pretty quiet. The man is not much for small talk and just stares out the window. They are cruising on the freeway when he notices that they missed the exit. "Doesn't matter" he thinks "It's a little around but faster on the freeway" but then he sees th...

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

Why shouldn't you bother to order a flatbread appetizer from an Indian restaurant?

It will be a naan starter.

The book I ordered about clocks finally came in.

It's about time.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The barman asks, "Olive or twist?"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

What do frogs order at a restaurant?

French flies.

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How about instead of law and order there’s a show called law and hors d’oeuvres

and Ice-T says “we found deviled eggs and jalapeno poppers in the victim’s anal cavity”

Did you know you can order eggs and chickens on Amazon?

I'll let you know which comes first.

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila

The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.

The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"

The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"

The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"

The guy says "fifty c...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

I was in a pub and I ordered a large cup of beer and a German sausage. It took them 20 minutes just to get me the cup of beer.

I am afraid the wurst has yet to come.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

What do you get when you order Lynyrd Skynard off of Wish.com?

Sweet Home Alibaba

A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue.

" Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky

He gulps them down quickly.

Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

Guy replies "First blowjob"

Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"

Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

What did a bunch of boisterous bulimics order at the restaurant?

I don't remember, but I told them to keep it down.

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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A waiter approaches my table and asks if I'm ready to order

"My wife has just popped to the toilet" I reply

"That's okay, do you know what she's having by any chance?"

"Well... she's been gone 15 minutes so probably a shit"

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup,

Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir "

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

"But can you pour it into this to cup?" he asks, handing the bartender a cup.

"We're not supposed to use outside glassware," the bartender says.

The man points to the wall. "Okay, but with any of those glasses, how do I know someone didn't take it out back, take a shit in it, dump the...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

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A guy orders a beer at the bar.

The bartender puts the beer pint in front of him with the coaster under the glass.

Guy drinks his beer and orders another one, the bartender picks up the beer glass but doesn't find a coaster and thinks nothing of it and serves the guy another round.

A few rounds like that and the guy...

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

"Do you mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

"Look, if I wanted a double I would have said so."

What do you call it when a priest orders something wrong?

A clerical error

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with ...

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘van...

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."

A guy goes to a bar and orders whisky

Bartender: with ice?

The guy: yes please

The bartender gives him the drink.

The guy: But, I said with ice

Bartender: We are out of ice

The guy: so, why did you ask?

Bartender: Some people complain, if I don't ask

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says “we don’t serve ropes at this bar, you gotta leave.”

The rope goes into the parking lot and messes his hair up and ties himself into a box knot.

He goes back inside and orders another beer.

The bartender says, “aren’t you the rope that was just in here?”
...

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Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

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Irishman walks into a bar in the states and walks to the Bar and orders 3 pints...

And the bartender says, i’m sorry sir here in the states we can only serve you one at a time. The Irishman responds by explaining “you see it comes from when me and me’ two brothers left the old country to different parts of the world, and we said every Saturday we would enter a pub and order 3 pint...

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

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Duck joke. Yes another one.

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman is amazed by a speaking duck and discovers the duck is in town for a few weeks working on a local building site. Over a week they become good friends.

One day a travelling circus get into town and the owner also comes into the bar for a dri...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

The bar man says, "sorry, we don't serve food".

Did you hear about the fireman with a restraining order?

He had to stay away from the hose...

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.

I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka

After the shots are lined in front of him, he asks the bartender to remove the first and the last one

“Why order ten shots and then remove two?” — asks the bartender — “Why not just order eight?”

-That’s how it is with shots! The first one always tastes bad and the last one always gets...

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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[Nsfw] Man walks into bar and orders a rum a coke.

Bartender gives him an apple
Man gives him a surprised look and says "I ordered a rum and coke!"
Bartender says "just take a bite"
Man bites it and says "This tastes like rum."
Bartender say "now turn it around."
Man turns it and take a bite "Wow, this tastes like coke. This is amazin...

A guy orders 12 straight vodkas from the barman...

"What's goin on?" asks the barman. The guy replies, "Just had my first blow-job today"
"Well done" says the barman, "Celebrating?"
"Nah, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

A software tester walks into a bar

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.

First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

An orphan went to a bar and ordered a beer.

Can I have a Foster?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini

A guy walks into a bar and orders a martini. "I see you're wearing a suit and tie," the bartender says. "I'm gong to have to charge you a $20 Fanciness Fee." "Fanciness Fee!" the guy exclaims. "What the hell is that?" "It's a sir charge," the bartender replies.

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot..

The bartender hands him a shot of whisky, the guy drinks it down, looks at something in his shirt pocket, then orders another one.

The bartender gives him the 2nd shot, and same thing, guy drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket then immediately orders another.

After 5 more shots, the b...

What did the frog order at McDonald’s?

The McRibbit.

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The barkeeper doesn‘t know what to do, so he goes to his boss. The boss never had a gorilla in his bar and he doesn‘t want his bar to becoma a favorite place for gorillas but on the other hand, he doesn‘t want to make the gorilla angry. So he says to the barkeeper: “Serve him but charge him $30. May...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

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Excuse me, you got my order wrong

I asked for 2 large fries, and you gave me a couple bags of hundreds of little ones you fuckin idiots.

Jesus becomes a bartender. Man says hey you SOB I ordered a beer but you just gave me water.

I told you I could turn water into whine.

A anteater walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many anteaters coming in here.”

The anteater says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

Who orders an Italian sub?

An Italian dom.

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "It's almost the end of the school year," the bartender notes. "You must be busy studying for finals." "Oh, we don't actually have finals in cosmetology school," the student replies. "We just have makeup exams."

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

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