A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men?* ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

And he orders a beer

A time traveler walks into a bar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

He notices that pieces of meat were nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender about it.
Bartender says "if you can jump and grab one, I'll get you a free beer. If you can't then you'll have to pay 100$. Wanna try?"
The man thinks for a moment then says "nah! The steaks are too ...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.

The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well s...

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer to drink...

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy for talking to an inanimate object.

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

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(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

A Blonde orders a pizza

and the man taking the order asks, "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 12?"

The Blonde replies, "You better make it 6; I could never eat 12."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charles Dickens goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The barkeeper asks him:
"Olive or twist?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A young man goes to his local pub and orders 3 large whiskies

The barman says "everything ok?"

The man drinks the first and says "yeah, I've just had my first blowjob."

And immediately drinks the second.

He picks up the third and says "it was a big one" and drinks the last of his drinks.

The barman says "Congratulations. I'll buy yo...

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

The waiter gave me a ribeye that I didn’t order

It was a mis-steak

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monk is being inducted into the monastic order...

The two elder monks in charge of his induction send him on a task. He must go into the archives and copy all the scriptures in there and not return until he's finished.

Several days later. The young monk returns and asks the elder monk, "As I was performing my task, I noticed several spelling...

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A man goes into a bar and orders five whiskeys

The bartender sets them up, and the man guzzles them down.

While he is in the middle of the third one, the bartender asks,”Whatcha celebrating?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Well, that’s pretty swell! Here, have one on the house!”

“No, if five can’t get the taste out of my mouth...

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”

​

The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...

He orders another... pins that too..

After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"

"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..

"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"

The guy ...

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

“I’ll have your biggest, juiciest steak,” says the husband.

“But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.

“Oh,” says the husband, “she’ll order for herself.”

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Guy walks into a bar, orders 2 shots. Dumps one on the ground.

Bartender asks who it was for. Guy replies "my unborn child"
"Sorry to hear man, what happened?" Asked the bartender.
Guy looked him square in the eye "dried up in a sock."

A man walks into a bar and orders punch.

Bartender says, "buddy if you want a punch you better get in line"

The man looks around, but there is no punch line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

What pizza did the twin towers order?

Two plains

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
...

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized t...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.

You have to be able to C#.

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskeys in 3 seperate glasses.

So the bartender pours the drinks and the man drinks all 3, pays, and leaves. The next day, the man comes in, orders the same thing, drinks, pays leaves. This goes on for a week when finally the bartender says "you know, I can put all of those into 1 big glass for you if you'd like". The man replies...

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

&#x200B;

Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other re...

An Irishman walks into a bar amd orders three pints of Guiness.

He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.

He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.

The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks lik...

Blind guy walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then...

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[Long] A redneck walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender pours his drink and says, "Good taste. Bud is my favorite."

The redneck replies, "Bud is all I drink these days. I used to be a Coors man but that beer is worse than piss! Last time I drank Coors, I blew chunks!"

Taken back, the bartender accepts his patron's tastes and s...

How do you order wine at an African Restaurant?

Ask for the Somalian

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

What does the Pope order in a Mexican restaurant?

Holy mole

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man walks in to a bar.

He orders a whiskey and sits down.

After a while the bartender notices that he isn't drinking and goes over to talk to him:

\-Celebrating something?

\-Yeah, I'm 72 years old and I finally had my first fellatio.

\-That's great news but why aren't you drinking anything?
...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Why did the tiny robot need sodium nitrate in order to work?

It was a NaNObot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

A guy goes to an Indian restaurant and orders some breadsticks

The waiter said they had naan

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

How does Harry Potter order tequila shots?

“Patron us!”

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

In order to resolve the government shutdown, Bill Gates has offered to fund President Trump's border wall

On the one condition that he can install windows

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I saw Kim Kardashian walk into the Subway I work at, order five sandwiches, and walk back out holding all of them. I wasn’t surprised.

It’s not the first time she’s taken several footlongs at once.

What does a person with Alzheimer's say when they order a coffee?

I'm sorry, who are you again?

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."

An Arab a Mexican and a redneck walk into a bar and all three order a shot.

The Arab drinks all his and throws the glass into the air shooting it with his AK 47 saying "We have so much sand in the desert. We don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."

The Mexican intrigued by this does the same with his AK 47 shouting "Glass is so cheap in Mexico that we don't ...

Guy walks up to a bar and orders a Pee Wee Hurman

Bartender says, never heard of it whats in it?

Jack and squirt.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

What did the skeleton order at the restaurant

Spare ribs.

A man goes to a wedding bar and orders a Fruit Punch

“I’m driving tonight” says the man

The bartender looks at him and informs him that in order to obtain it he would have to wait in line.

The man clearly confused leaves with a confused look. He quickly glances the bar and sees a line.

The man is now jostled back and forth in the ...

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a local pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them all, settles his tab, and goes on his way.

The next day, the same man walks into the same pub around the same time and again orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them down, settles up, and goes on his w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man sits at a bar and orders five shots...

the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."

"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."

"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."

A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another...

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cen...

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hunchback man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

Bartender says "bells alright?"

The man replies "don't you fucking start"

Tell it in the wrong order

How do you screw up a joke?

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves.

This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you...

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."