A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"

The man says "No, honestly, I'm not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and... I caught her in bed with another man."

The bartender says "Oh, man, that's awful! What are you going to do?"

The man: "I'm gonna drink myself to death. I just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender charges him 15
cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer
and some food, so he
orders another beer and a steak. The bartender
charges him 50 cents,
15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing h...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,

The bartender says "Don’t you mean a Martini?"


The Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I’ll ask for one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating ...

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl."
He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.

He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?"
To which the guy replies, "No, help yourse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and o...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sure thing. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you've got a pretty nasty hook for a hand there."

The pirate says "Aye, I lost it in a sword fight."

"Oh that's horrible! Well what about your peg-leg, what happened there?"

"Aye, me leg was blown off by a cann...

A man walks into a bar and orders a double scotch.

After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then asks the bartender for another double scotch. When he finishes that, he again peaks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring yet another double scotch. The bartender says “ look buddy, I’ll pour your drinks all nig...

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender yells at him, "Hey string, we don't serve your kind here! Get the hell out!" Dejected, the string walks out if the bar, ties himself in a knot, tussles up his hair, and walks back in to order a drink again. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

How did Forrest Gump’s horse order his favorite drink at the bar?

Gin—NEIGHHHH

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a t...

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

The bartender pours the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. He slams the glass on the bar and says "Pour me another!"

The bartender says, "Woah, man. That's a pretty stiff drink I just gave you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

The man says, "Well, I came home from work toda...

A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer

The barman says $18 please.

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says "this is exciting - we don't get many polar bears in here!", to which the polar bear replies: "I'm not surprised with beer at $18 a pint."

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've finally realized that I should never have given Timex my real email address when I filled out my warranty card," he complains to the bartender. "Now it looks like I'm on some sort of a watch list."

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who keeps order in a nazi school?

A dissipline Aryan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

A guys walks into a bar and orders two beers.

He pounds one and pours the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand.

He orders another two beers and the bartender asks, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and pouring the other on your hand?"

"I want my date to...

A woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendra.

So the barman gives her one.

And he orders a beer

A time traveler walks into a bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender.

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"

"Sure."

So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumberin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife if I caught her fucking The Grateful Dead again, I'd order a mob hit on her.

Now she's sleeping with the Phish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

SELECT * FROM TABLE ORDER BY ROWNUM DESC;

Look how the tables have turned!!!

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of bourbon

The bartender asks, "Why so many shots, what's the occasion?"

The man replies, "My first blowjob!"

The bartender asks the man, "Oh? How was it?"

The man says "It was alright but I can't get the taste out of my mouth."

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

How do chickens tell who's the alpha male or female?

They use a *pecking* order

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

I told my wife that I’ll start arranging the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, “Where would you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a bar and orders 3 doubles of cheap vodka and downs them immediately

“What are you celebrating?” Asks the bartender
“My first blowjob”
“Congratulations! How about another on the house?” Offers the excited bartender
“No thanks, if three won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

I’m CDO

It’s OCD with the letters in the correct order

Waiter: Can I take your name and order?

Man: I'm Jon and I'll have a coke

Waiter: We only serve Pepsi I'm afraid

Man: Oh ok I'm Pepsi and I'll have a coke

Waiter: ok man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

What does a disgruntled Mcdonalds employee and side order of fries got in common?

They both came in the meal deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

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A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

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A man walkes into a bar and orders 10 shots of Jack

The bartender asked the man "you waitin on some friends or what" as he pours up the shots.

"No my friend, these are all for me" he says and begins downing the shots one after another.

The bartender is shocked and asks "why take so many shots and so quick like that?"

The man say...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam sit down for breakfast at Denny’s where they each order a grand slam and a cup of coffee.

They set aside their religious differences and bond over the hearth of American comfort food.

It’s just delightful.

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

He notices that pieces of meat were nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender about it.
Bartender says "if you can jump and grab one, I'll get you a free beer. If you can't then you'll have to pay 100$. Wanna try?"
The man thinks for a moment then says "nah! The steaks are too ...

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

There was a waiter in Alabama who asked a table for their order

The waiter says “what do you and your girlfriend want to eat tonight”.
The man replies “oh she’s my sister”
The waiter tells him he’s really sorry for assuming they were a couple but the man says “it’s fine, you weren’t that far off, she’s my wife too"

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

You swap the order of the lines around.

How do you tell a joke badly on purpose?

A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.

“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.

“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter, "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

What did the galaxy order at the Mexican restaurant?

A quasardilla

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer to drink...

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy for talking to an inanimate object.

The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.

The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well s...

A proton, a neutron and helium walk into a bar and order three beers.

The bartender appears with 3 beers and asks the proton, “Are you sure you’re over 21?” The proton replies, “I’m positive.” So the bartender gives him the first beer. He gives the second beer to the neutron and says, “For you, no charge.” He throws the third beer in helium’s face ... helium doesn’t r...

What did Captain America order at Starbucks?

One Iced Americano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

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A monk is being inducted into the monastic order...

The two elder monks in charge of his induction send him on a task. He must go into the archives and copy all the scriptures in there and not return until he's finished.

Several days later. The young monk returns and asks the elder monk, "As I was performing my task, I noticed several spelling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found some dildos I didn't order in my postbox.

It was junk mail.

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
...

The waiter gave me a ribeye that I didn’t order

It was a mis-steak

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