Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I arranged a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the b...

Chris Hemsworth arranged a party for Tom Hiddleston's birthday that not many people knew about.

It was a Loki event.

My husband dies and i want a funeral

So i go to the nearest cemetary and discuss the arrangements, i remember that my husband wabted to be burried in a fine black suit. So i give the clerk 100$ to go get a nice black suit for the funeral.

The funeral happens and he is burried in a extraordinary black suit. I ask the clerk how he...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from th...

On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

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There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.

He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then ...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

A wife of thirty years dies and the husband arranges the funeral. . .

During the services the pall bearers while carrying the casket slip and it accidently hits a wall. They hear a moan coming from inside of the casket. They open it up and the wife is still alive. In fact, she goes on to live another ten years. After she passes, the husband arranges another funera...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A proposal was sent for arranged marriage.

The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."

Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

I made funeral arrangements for my friend who was a barista.

First stop is the creamertorium.

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My wife arranged some hors d'oeuvres on her vagina

She was trying to make it look like a duck, but I thought it looked more like a platter puss.

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter." He said yes.

I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes.

I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I repli...

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough

She keeps asking what I’m doing

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

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Two government officials go on a diplomatic tour.

One night, they are invited to a dinner with several other officials from different countries.
Having arrived at the dinner, the two officials see that the dinner tables are arranged with exquisite cutlery. They all sit down and start having dinner.
During dinner, official X sees official Y...

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An elderly couple, both widowed, discussed marraige after dating a while...

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and finally they came upon the subject of marital relations...

"How do you feel about sex?" The man asked...

"I would like it infrequently," Said the woman...

The man leaned forward...and asked..."Is that one word, or two?"

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

She was a Corbynite Labour activist, and he was a tenth-generation Tory

But in spite of their political differences, they found each other irresistible, and after a whirlwind romance, they arranged the wedding for a romantic day in the run-up to Christmas.

As it turned out, there was a surprise call for a General Election and their mid-week wedding day coincided ...

What fruit has an arranged marriage?

A cantaloupe

When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized.

He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

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Why don't jews have arranged marriage?

They have no 'forced kin'.

I'm so sorry

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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"

"80 years" the man replies.

"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.

"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Donald Trump pulls out of Paris Climate Arrangement after alleged threats to interfere with the U.S. Mexico border wall.

He heard "Climb-it" deal, and flipped out

Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.

Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.

Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.

Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.

Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anyt...

What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other?

A so-be-it union.

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements.

They may cremate, they Mayberry

An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says:

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

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Why do Jews not support arranged marriages?

Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".

Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was a...

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I arranged a Reddit meet up for /r/sexaddicts...

...and everyone came!

Have you ever thought about...

...the range of words which have a Grecian root? There are lots of such words in mathematics, like "geometry".

Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs, once upon a time. Although birds often play with twigs...

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

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