This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher poses a question:

>Why are the order of operations so important?

Little Johnny raises his hand and says,

>Because you can blow your nose and wipe your ass with the same tissue but you can’t wipe your ass and blow your nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount ...

When Aphrodite poses naked on a seashell she's "beautiful" and "a goddess"

But when I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "barred from the Sea Life Centre".

This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!

-Emo Philips

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

What did the Pirate say when he did a T-pose?

Aye ma tey

My girlfriend got mad that I wouldn't do the Titanic pose with her the other day.

I told her we can't do that in a two person canoe.

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students another challenge....

Dropping a white sheet of paper, she asks what it reminded them of..

Jody : Winter and the snow flakes falling

Teacher : Great Answer!

Billy : Fall and the leafs falling

Teacher : Good answer Billy...

Fred : SEX!!!

Teacher : What????

Fred : Listen dar...

What do you call it when Iron Man poses at a nude photo shoot?

Stark naked.

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "

John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hooker.

There was a lonely soul, who was in need of some romantic attention. He picks up the phone and within a few hours, this beautiful woman in a silky dress arrives at his hotel door. He asks her to get undressed and hold a sexy pose on the bed. She does exactly as he asks and he starts furiously mastur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEX...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

A mother was sitting with her three children, when one had a question.

A mother was sitting with her 2 girls and 1 boy. The first girl turns to her mother, and asks, with a soft, sweet voice and a smile, "Mom, why is my name violet?".

Her mother answers, "Well, dear when I was in hospital with you your father brought me a bouquet of violets, and when I was tryin...

Snow sculptures are cool!

Icy pose

Little Johnny was sitting in math class when the teacher posed a problem.

The teacher stated "There are 10 crows sitting on a fence when a farmer fires his shotgun. Seven of the crows flew away. How many are left?"

Johnny replied "There are none left."

The teacher replied "Well, if there are ten and seven leave, then there would be three left."

John...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magical Mirror

A husband and wife bought a mirror from a fortune teller hard up for cash. The fortune teller warned them that the mirror was capable of magically granting wishes, but to make sure to be mindful of the words you chose. If you rhyme and keep it simple, everything should be fine.

They of course...

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

Meditation

[A bit dry : p]

One day, as he did everyday an old yogi was meditating in a cave.

A hungry traveller passing by noticed him in the cave sitting by a fire.

The traveler hoping for a bite to eat shouts into the echoing cave "Hello there!!"

The yogi being very disciplined, k...

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant.

We don't have to pose for pictures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a dead body and a porn star?

A dead body decomposes and a porn star post cum poses.

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other

For hundreds of years out in a park they held their poses. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Still single

I was in a restaurant the other day and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. After starters and my first beer I convinced myself that I had to talk to her.
So there I was talking to her. We actually had the rest of diner together and after dessert I already knew that I had to marry this ...

What do you call an anti-joke that makes it to the front page of r/jokes

Honestly, I have no idea. It's still an antijoke, but the subversion of expectation might lead some to call it a joke. It could be both, but that poses somewhat of an existential predicament for this sub.

Courtesy of u/FiveBirds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes on vacation for their 60th wedding anniversary....

They decide to go to the same island and stay at the same hotel as their honeymoon 60 years earlier.

After checking in and a nice, romantic dinner, they go back to their suite, just like on the honeymoon.

The Wife goes into the bathroom and slips on the same lingerie as their first n...

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot blonde is trapped on the 8th floor in a burning building

She looks out the window and sees a massive crowd watching and waiting with baited breath.

So she takes off her clothes, does a few sexy poses and walks down the *stares*.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Dirty]I'm sorry, can you say it one more time?

A quiet man decided that he wanted to try yoga.
So he went to a yoga teaching place and met an instructor.
The instructor said to this quiet man, "what is your favorite position?"
He replies with Sphinx Pose, but he said it very quietly
The instructor didn't hear it so she asked again" I...

An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proper Manners

There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, "If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"

The first student raises his hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

And tells him he that every time he and his wife become intimate, it refuses service. And that he just can't get it up.

The doctor advises him to use his imagination more, watch adult material and/or use adult toys to spice things up a bit.

After a couple of days the man calls his doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking past a bank, suddenly an armed thief bursts out of the doors. Startled by her voluptuous figure the thief shoots her in the stomach three times before escaping.
After being rushed to hospital the doctors deliver the news to the woman.
"I'm happy to tel...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a newspaper bag?

One is made of plastic and poses a suffocation hazard to small children. The other one contains newspapers.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.