UPJOKE
makerendergrantyieldreturndedicateoffersacrificeallowapplyholdletgenerateallotcreate

Gave Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

I gave a woman my umbrella yesterday

That brings the total number of women I’ve made wet this year to -1

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my wife an orgasm today!

She spit it out

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bicycle and she gave me the middle finger.

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me becau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

After I gave $200 to a dominatrix,

I was strapped for cash...

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave up alcohol last year.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I tried to give up sex, but it wasn't any longer.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said that it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.



I gave up.

Drinking for the new year.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

My doctor gave me three months to live

When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip.

The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?"
"I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!"
"You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the scientific name for a child who grew up with parents that never gave them attention?

Homoneglectus.

A super nerdy math joke: Graham gave his number to a girl once.

She never called.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend gave me a porno video.

When it put it in the player all it had was a blurred picture of some old, fat, bald guy naked and having a wank. I was fucking furious until I realised I had forgotten to turn on the TV.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer!

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend's mother gave me a Blowjob.

I didn't think I'd be blowing up balloons for his party.

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My Lawyer gave me great advice

He always said I should never apologise if it’s not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a big bill.

However his uncle died recently and I sent him a condolence card and my trial starts next week.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list.

When I got home, only #1, 3 & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

So the doctor gave me these pills

And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.

I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here."

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Today I gave a student detention for being tardy

I was then fired from my job as a special ed. teacher

I gave my friend an apple, but she said she prefers pears

So I gave her another apple.

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;

now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

I gave my dog a beer last night. I asked him how he felt this morning.

He said ruff.

Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....

When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

I gave up on being a porch pirate...

It's just not for me

I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!

I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex

And my wife is trying to convince me it says dyslexia.

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

I gave up trying to sharpen my two-dollar knife.

I just couldn’t see the point.

To all the women who gave birth today…

Happy Labor Day!

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

So the hotel staff gave me room 404…

… but I just couldn’t find it, so they gave me room 301 instead.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave up drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all at the same time

It was the scariest 3 minutes of my life!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me a sly, sexy wink and asked which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.

Ooops. I guess I was only supposed to name one.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

Why was the husband so worried after his lovely wife gave birth?

The dad jokes hadn't kicked in and the mailman was suddenly a comedian.

What did the leprechaun say to his wife after he gave her a golden shower?

Urine luck

The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...

Aced it!

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?

He was a Ramen Catholic.

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a prostitute gave you a discount

Would you get more bang for your buck?

they gave lie detectors the wrong name.

Should have called then facts machines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gave her class an assignment.....

She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you.

The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says "I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to...

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska.

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

Today I gave out free coriander to those in need.

It was an act of cilantropy.

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.