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Putin Jokes

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

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What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Zelensky calls Putin

Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure

Zelensky: Ukraine

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: You will never get it.

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

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How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

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A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin.

Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft.

Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off t...

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge?

“Crimea River!”

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?

They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

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My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.

“You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims.

His speechwriter replies: “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

Time flies when you are Putin!

President Putin is in a meeting at the Kremlin when suddenly, one of the officials enters the room and approaches Putin, saying, "Mr. President! We've just received news that Comrade Prigozhin has tragically died in an airplane accident!"

Surprised, Putin raises his hand and checks his watch,...

I heard Putin was installing Windows

And Microsoft had to accept his terms and conditions.

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

When it comes to Putin you have to hand it him...

Or he will send people to take it.

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

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Putin is being driven down the street in his limo

And he sees a family on the side of the road eating grass. He tells his driver to pull over and he gets out of the limo and approaches the husband. "What are you doing? Why is your family eating grass?"he asks. "Oh, Mr President," the man says "Since the war in Ukraine began I've been thrown out of ...

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"

Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

What’s the difference between a starfish and Vladimir Putin?

One is brainless, spineless, and impossible to reason with.

The other one is a starfish.

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

\-Is Crimea ours?

\-Yes, it is.

\-And the Donbas?

\-Also ours.

\-Kyiv?

\-We got that too.

Satisfied, he drinks and asks:

\-Thanks. How much do I owe you?

\-5 eur...

What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

Putin goes to the fortune-teller.

"I see the future!" says the fortune-teller. "You will die on a national holiday in Ukraine!"

"Which one?" the Russian leader asks in shock.

"It doesn't matter when you die, that day will be a national holiday in Ukraine!"

Putin comes to the barber shop.

The barber cuts his hair and asks all the time about Ukraine. How are people doing there? When does the war end?

Putin get nervous:

- You are moved about this Ukraine far too much, right?

- Not at all, sir. For me it is totally indifferent.

- Why do you then constantl...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

What's Putins favourite song?

Crimea River

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

How did Trump propose to Putin?

He went to Jared.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

How does Putin stay so thin?

He's always purging.

Putin’s Greatest Fear is the Magic Outhouse

When you are heading toward it, you’re Russian, but when you are inside European, and when you’re done, you’re Finnish!

Putin summoned an aide and said,

“I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
Aide:: "Why?"
Putin “I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
Aide: "I swear, I have never told anybody this joke."

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

Why did Putin cross the road?

To annex the chicken’s territory.

Putin went on Twitter today...

He ordered his generals to Retweet.

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

Yevgeny Prigozhin meets Putin

Putin says ok here's the deal. I can't have you walking around making me look bad. We have this experimental hibernation pod. You get in it right now, or I shoot you. After I die, they will pull you out. YP reluctantly agrees.

The pod opens and he sits up.

He asks, "How long has...

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow

They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.


After a while Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.


A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in...

Where does Putin keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Putin is not all bad

He is expected to greatly decrease the incidence of gaslighting across Europe.

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

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The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

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Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

What would Putin's mother say to his father when she saw her son's atrocities?

Pull-out

How do Putin opponents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

What did Putin say to Obama when he annexed Ukraine?

Crimea river.

Putin's Russia

A man walks into a russian shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

What is Putin's philosophy?

Vlad Earth Theory.

What's Vladimir Putin's favorite sport?

Cross-country

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Putin has a sex life problem...

...his sea-men count has declined.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

Putins army isn't the only thing retreating

His hairline is, too.

Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?

He can't handle UK rain.

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

How much does Putin want oil prices to be capped?

Well his closest advisors say he needs this like he needs a hole in the head....

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

In a hotel is Putin's Russia

3 Friends are in a Hotel room in Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks down...

Putin is going through passport control.

He’s asked:
- “Final destination?”
- “Kiev”
- “Occupation?”
- “yes”

What's Putin's favorite Beatles song?

Back in the USSR

Why is Vladimir Putin divorced?

He never got along with his NLAWs

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So Putin, Biden and Zelensky Goes to A Boat Trip...

They got stuck in the middle of the ocean, not a single land on sight. After a few hours, they decide to swim back, but they were afraid of hypothermia.

Putin puts his finger into water and says "The water is approximately 32°C".

Biden puts his finger into water and arrogantly says "No...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

Trump and Putin are just finishing up their phone conversation.

Trump: Go ahead and hang up, Vladimir.
Putin: No, Donald, please, you hang up first.
Trump: No you hang up first.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up.
Trump: No you hang up.
Putin: No you hang up...

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.

"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise ...

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Whats the difference between Catherine the Great and Putin?

Catherine only fucked her horse. Putin is determined to fuck all of Russia.

Putin once said: “I really like 50 cent”

“Or as we call him in Russia, 4 million ruble”.

Putin has a kind face.

The kind you like to punch.

Putin is visiting Ukraine

Border security stops him for questioning.

Security: "Name??"

Putin: " Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"

Security: "Occupation?"

Putin: "Da!"

Security: "End date?"

Putin: "NATO"

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

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If Putin ate a piece of shit

... he would be a cannibal

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