Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you combine Putin and a potato.

You'll get a dicktator. And vodka

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Putin's favorite PornHub category?

MILFs, because he loves fucking Mother Russia

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Why was Vladimir Putin sad?

No one voted for him in the last election.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

A joke told by President Putin

A soviet era joke....

An American spy goes to Lubyanka and says:

" I’m a spy and I want to turn myself in."

" Who do you work for?", asks the receptionist.

"America."

"OK, go to room 5."

He goes to room 5 and says:

" I’m an American spy. I want to tu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin,Obama and Merkel (German chancellor) meet

Putin says:We have the best submarines they can be under water for over 5 months.

Obama replies:pff our submarines can stay for over a year under water.

In the moment Merkel wants to reply a submarine appears and a guy opens the door and says: hail Hitler we need more diesel.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk

The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."

Trump, Putin, Manafort, Flynn and Giuliani walk into a bar..

the bartender immediately shouts White Russians for Everyone!

An interviewer asks Putin, "Do you ever think there'll be a female president?"

"Of course not," Putin replies

"Why?" the interviewer inquires

"Am I female?" Putin responds



^(btw free navalny)

Good ol’ Russian joke

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Vladimir was a good leader, so he was putin charge.

Idk if this has already been made.

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?

Putin: "Yes"

Me: And how many have you collected so far?

Putin:
“Three and a half prisons”

How does Putin refer to his greatest political allies?

The creme de la Kremlin

Putin could’ve saved Trump from this....

Putin on a mask anyway

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

Putin waking up.

Oh glorious leader, bad news ... we have lost Georgia

"Again?"

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

Why did Trump just phoned Putin?

He was impatient to find out who won the election.

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

What’s the biggest difference between Trump and Putin?

Putin knows how to win a U.S. election

Russian activist heavily beaten by Putin's militia

He was refusing to drink his tea

Credit - Spinoza tweet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

Putin calls Trump and tells him

"Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."

"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.

"The United States of Russia."

Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me o...

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get cock-blocked by Vladimir Putin?

Erection interference

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

When will Putin resign as president?

At the coronation.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

The big questions

VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha ...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

Putin on a trip.

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:

Agent: age?

Putin: 66

Agent: occupation?

Putin: not this time, just visiting.

Putin and Trump were having dinner together

The waiter came to take their order.

Waiter: "What can I get for you tonight?"

Putin: "I will have the sirloin steak medium rare."

Waiter: "And for the vegetable?"

Putin: "The vegetable will also have the sirloin steak medium rare"

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. President and Jared Kushner visit Putin

Mr. President and Jared are visiting Putin for some campaign strategy. They have a nice chat over coffee, but both Trump and Jared have hard time concentrating as they are mesmerized by their host's beautiful sterling spoons. Jared manages to slip one of the spoons into his pocket, which makes Trump...

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donal Trump are on a plane.

Merkel finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says:
"I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make 1 person happy" Putin interrupts her, stating that if they split the $100 bill into 2 $50 bills they can make 2 people happy. Trump insists that they should throw 4 $25 bills and make 4 p...

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

Putin's phone rings...

Hello?

Vladimir Vladimirovich, is it true, all the government has resigned?

Yes, it is true.

Vladimir Vladimirovich, does that mean I need to resign, too?

Not yet. You keep your job for now. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you, Vladimir Vladimirovich!

No problem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel are standing on the shore

Trump starts to boast how the new US Submarines can stay underwater for 6 months. Putin chimes in how their new Subs are capable of more than 9.
After a short pause they look at Merkel. But she just turns to the sea. A Submarine is slowly emerging. A hatch opens and a man in uniform salutes and ...

How did Trump propose to Putin?

He went to Jared.

Putin, Trump, and Merkel are taking a walk on the beach

Trumps looks out on Ocean and says: "You know, we have Submarines that can sty underwater for 3 Months. "

Putin replies : "Pah, thats nothing! Our subs can stay underwater for half a year."

Merkel wants to say something, but then a Submarine dives up on the Beach. A guy jumps out and y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's about 12 inches long and hangs between Putin's legs?

Trump's tie.

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

*Crimea River*

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Fine, if Russia wants to keep Putin in office indefinitely,

Then Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Vladimir Putin think to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?

Gladimhere Poopin

How do Putin opponents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev visit a prostitute....

Vladimir gets blown while Dmitri fucks her from behind. After a while he gets tired,and he says "Sir,can we switch" and then Vladimir says "yes,you switch".

Why was Putin late for work today?

His car kept Stalin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Merkel, Trump and Putin meet at the coast of normandy ...

Trump starts to tell them as soon as he arrives "we invented some new submarines, which can permanently stay under water for almost a month now". "Hah. We already invented submarines, that only have to cut surface once a year" Putin proudly replies. Both look at Merkel waiting for her to top them, b...

Trump, Putin and Kim Jon are on a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

Mankind

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

What will happen if you play CS:GO with Putin?

He'll Russia.

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

My Dad asked me, "you know what that Putin guys problem is?"

"He's always Russian around"

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

What does Vladimir Putin wipe his feet on before he goes in the house?

The Kompromat.

I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

What do you call a gassy Russian?

Vladmir Putin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin has a small dick

But thats ok because Trump has small hands

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind.

Putin must be a great president, Russian journalists seem to really like him

They can't say bad things about him!

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

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