The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

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What is the one phrase you will never hear Guy Fieri say on Diners , Drive-Ins and Dives?

This tastes like crap.

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

A worker sent a message that included the phrase "a alytics" which was followed by an apology - "sorry, I meant analytics but the n is close to the spacebar."

The first reply was "thank god the y key isn't the one next to the spacebar"

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

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Revolutionary origin of a phrase.

It's the night before Battle of the Trenton and the Soldiers and staff are Cold.

First Lieutenant Cox goes to General Washington and suggests that the army go door to door in the local town and ask that the local residents put up the General's staff overnight, prior to the battle.

Wash...

What phrase should a veterinarian never say to their patient's owners?

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

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I have a suggestion to change pornhub's dillema

The new phrase should be "Suck seed to succeed"

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Have you noticed that if you google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy"

you get "Page not found".

What's a commonly used phrase with a surprising number of 'D's in it?

Your mom.

When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

What phrase should you never hear in Chemistry class?

"Bottoms up."

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

What is the scariest phrase to read in Braille?

Do no touch

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

What’s 21 Savage’s favorite phrase?

“We got London on the track!”

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

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What phrase can go when it comes to math and for sex?

If it’s under 13, you gotta do it in your head

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

The other day, I posted a meaningful phrase on r/originalquotes

It was very well-received, but a comment bugged me bad. It says "The OP is very creative".

I swear I didn't plagiarize from any poster.

My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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What is Gordon Ramsay's catch phrase during sex?

IT'S FUCKING RAWWW

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

What phrase should you never use in a relationship or in a job interview?

"Well, to tell you the truth..."

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Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

You know which phrase I really hate?

Pet peeve.

What's Mexican Fozzie Bear's catch phrase?

"Guaca Guaca!"

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Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

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I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick.

Slot shot.

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catch phrase?

“First come, first severed!”

I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing

Until I went to a funeral

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign...

I didn't pick it well.

A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

"I do" - isn't a phrase.

It's a sentence.

Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

Where did the phrase “Give it to me straight, Doc” originate from?

A proctologist’s office

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?

Wars end.

Here's an interesting turn of phrase.

ǝsɐɹɥd

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

So there’s the phrase down to Earth

If you were on Mars or the Moon would it change to “down to Mars” or “down to the Moon”?

Regardless they don’t carry the same weight.

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

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The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron...

Because an asshole gets shit done.

Trump’s bodyguards have found a new phrase for “Mr. President get down!”

Donald duck!

Thank you and Sorry are the two most polite phrases.

Apparently, "No, thank you, I don't need your advice" and "Sorry, I don't want to help you" don't cut it.

What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?

"That's totally random"

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

A lady and her talking parrots...

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, “Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the rabbi inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re eager to please. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terr...

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