UPJOKE
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The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

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Do you know where the phrase "You've got to be shitting me!" came from?

When General George Washington was crossing the Delaware it was cold, foggy and ice all around. They had several boats and only one light. Captain Peters was at the bow of the boat with this light when it struck some ice and he tumbled into the river. They searched and searched for him but never cou...

what's the most commonly used phrase by artists?

Would you like fries with that.

Did you hear the phrase one man's trash is another man's treasure?

Was my favorite saying, until my parents said it to indicate I was adopted

Have you noticed, if you Google the phrase "Lost Medieval Servant Boy. "

It comes back with, "This page could not be found."

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

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Dog owners (including me) have 3 standard phrases:

1. He has never done *that* before!
2. He just wants to play!
3. Hey, you there! Your dog just pooped!

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Foul Mouthed Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bri...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling.

I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

I just realized I have been using the phrase “sunk cost fallacy” incorrectly all my life.

Oh well, it’s too late to do anything now.

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

What phrase should a veterinarian never say to their patient's owners?

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

A worker sent a message that included the phrase "a alytics" which was followed by an apology - "sorry, I meant analytics but the n is close to the spacebar."

The first reply was "thank god the y key isn't the one next to the spacebar"

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

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Revolutionary origin of a phrase.

It's the night before Battle of the Trenton and the Soldiers and staff are Cold.

First Lieutenant Cox goes to General Washington and suggests that the army go door to door in the local town and ask that the local residents put up the General's staff overnight, prior to the battle.

Wash...

I like to use phrases wrong sometimes

And vice versa

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An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Arkansas prom

Do you know the most common heard phrase at an Arkansas prom??

Get off me daddy, your smashing my cigarettes.

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

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Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...

A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland"...

Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

Only two phrases can change a girl's mood!!

1. I love you !
2. 50% discount !!

What is the scariest phrase to read in Braille?

Do no touch

When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

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What phrase can go when it comes to math and for sex?

If it’s under 13, you gotta do it in your head

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

What phrase should you never hear in Chemistry class?

"Bottoms up."

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

You know which phrase I really hate?

Pet peeve.

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

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What is Gordon Ramsay's catch phrase during sex?

IT'S FUCKING RAWWW

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Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

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I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick.

Slot shot.

What phrase should you never use in a relationship or in a job interview?

"Well, to tell you the truth..."

The other day, I posted a meaningful phrase on r/originalquotes

It was very well-received, but a comment bugged me bad. It says "The OP is very creative".

I swear I didn't plagiarize from any poster.

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Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

What's Mexican Fozzie Bear's catch phrase?

"Guaca Guaca!"

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign...

I didn't pick it well.

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catch phrase?

“First come, first severed!”

READ THESE LETTERS IN ENGLISH FOR FUNNY PHRASE IN SPANISH

2 T N S L P P B N T S O

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?

Wars end.

I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing

Until I went to a funeral

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The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron...

Because an asshole gets shit done.

"I do" - isn't a phrase.

It's a sentence.

A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".

Christmas elves

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

Here's an interesting turn of phrase.

ǝsɐɹɥd

My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.

I have a dream...

That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.

Where did the phrase “Give it to me straight, Doc” originate from?

A proctologist’s office

Marshall Field

Marshall Field who pioneered the phrase, “the customer is always right” is rolling over in his grave right now.

Despite cemetery policy

Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

Trump’s bodyguards have found a new phrase for “Mr. President get down!”

Donald duck!

What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?

"That's totally random"

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

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What's the most common phrase uttered by a blond after sex?

"Are you guys all on the same team?"

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I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

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