The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

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Revolutionary origin of a phrase.

It's the night before Battle of the Trenton and the Soldiers and staff are Cold.

First Lieutenant Cox goes to General Washington and suggests that the army go door to door in the local town and ask that the local residents put up the General's staff overnight, prior to the battle.

Wash...

What phrase should a veterinarian never say to their patient's owners?

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

You know that phrase "Kill two birds with one stone"?

I now hold the world record for aerial rock skipping.

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Origin of the phrase “pissed”

To clarify this isnt your traditional joke, not really a punch line I just came up with this theory in a somewhat joking manner and can’t think of a more appropriate place to put it

So anyway, there’s some friends that get together sometimes and prank each other. One of them Bill, Bob, and Ba...

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

What’s the most ironic gym phrase?

Skipping leg day.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Only two phrases can change a girl's mood!!

1. I love you !
2. 50% discount !!

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

My wife gets angry at the phrase “hand me downs.”

Apparently that’s not how I ask her to let me hold our disabled child.


Credit: (u/ajstaff)

What's a commonly used phrase with a surprising number of 'D's in it?

Your mom.

Have you noticed that if you google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy"

you get "Page not found".

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

I hate the misuse of Latin phrases...

...and vice versa.

What is the scariest phrase to read in Braille?

Do no touch

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

What phrase should you never hear in Chemistry class?

"Bottoms up."

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

What’s 21 Savage’s favorite phrase?

“We got London on the track!”

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

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What phrase can go when it comes to math and for sex?

If it’s under 13, you gotta do it in your head

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Continue the phrase: Sex is like...

Reddit: an apocalypse because it never happened.

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

The other day, I posted a meaningful phrase on r/originalquotes

It was very well-received, but a comment bugged me bad. It says "The OP is very creative".

I swear I didn't plagiarize from any poster.

Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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What is Gordon Ramsay's catch phrase during sex?

IT'S FUCKING RAWWW

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

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Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

You know which phrase I really hate?

Pet peeve.

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Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

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I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick.

Slot shot.

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catch phrase?

“First come, first severed!”

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase


"Fire at will"

A lady and her talking parrots...

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, “Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the rabbi inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re eager to please. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terr...

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"

I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing

Until I went to a funeral

A man wants to go horseback riding

When the man gets to the ranch, he asks the owner if he can ride of the horses. The owner replies “Looks like we have one horse you can ride, however this horse is a little different than our other horses”.

The man asks “How so?”

“This horse is religious. I ride this horse to church, i...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

Bah humbug!

The International Criminal Court of Justice in the Hague, in the case brought before it against the year 2020 and COVID-19, has ruled the phrase "Bah humbug!" is no longer just for Christmas and should now be used year round.

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign...

I didn't pick it well.

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

Where did the phrase “Give it to me straight, Doc” originate from?

A proctologist’s office

As an introvert I don't get the phrase "go big or go home"

Why the hell would I want to go big when i'm allowed to go home and be alone.

At the age of 73, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the latest Terminator movie.

The only difference is the catch phrase, which has been changed to...."Aaaaarrhh my back."

A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".

Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

Here's an interesting turn of phrase.

ǝsɐɹɥd

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?

Wars end.

Trump’s bodyguards have found a new phrase for “Mr. President get down!”

Donald duck!

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The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron...

Because an asshole gets shit done.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

Thank you and Sorry are the two most polite phrases.

Apparently, "No, thank you, I don't need your advice" and "Sorry, I don't want to help you" don't cut it.

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