The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

You know that phrase "Kill two birds with one stone"?

I now hold the world record for aerial rock skipping.

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

What’s the most ironic gym phrase?

Skipping leg day.

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

My wife gets angry at the phrase “hand me downs.”

Apparently that’s not how I ask her to let me hold our disabled child.


Credit: (u/ajstaff)

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

Only two phrases can change a girl's mood!!

1. I love you !
2. 50% discount !!

What is one phrase you can’t tell a sky diver?

If at first you don’t succeed, try again.....

What's a commonly used phrase with a surprising number of 'D's in it?

Your mom.

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

Have you noticed that if you google the phrase "lost medieval servant boy"

you get "Page not found".

You know the old phrase “Blood is thicker than water”

So, if the strength of a bond is measured by its thickness...

Then you must be pretty close with your mom

When it comes to foreign phrases, I don't know, I just ...

... lack a certain 'Jenna say Kwa.'

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

A lady and her talking parrots...

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, “Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the rabbi inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re eager to please. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terr...

I hate the misuse of Latin phrases...

...and vice versa.

I always get made fun of for never saying phrases correctly

I guess I never really was the brightest book in the shed.

What is the scariest phrase to read in Braille?

Do no touch

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

Why is the most difficult phrase to pronounce if you have a lisp?

"I love you"

Source: my father has a lisp

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase


"Fire at will"

Bah humbug!

The International Criminal Court of Justice in the Hague, in the case brought before it against the year 2020 and COVID-19, has ruled the phrase "Bah humbug!" is no longer just for Christmas and should now be used year round.

What’s 21 Savage’s favorite phrase?

“We got London on the track!”

What phrase should you never hear in Chemistry class?

"Bottoms up."

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What phrase can go when it comes to math and for sex?

If it’s under 13, you gotta do it in your head

The other day, I posted a meaningful phrase on r/originalquotes

It was very well-received, but a comment bugged me bad. It says "The OP is very creative".

I swear I didn't plagiarize from any poster.

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

What phrase freaks out a gluten intolerant Soviet the most?

Gluten Tag.

A man wants to go horseback riding

When the man gets to the ranch, he asks the owner if he can ride of the horses. The owner replies “Looks like we have one horse you can ride, however this horse is a little different than our other horses”.

The man asks “How so?”

“This horse is religious. I ride this horse to church, i...

Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful"

Student: Past

Ever wondered why "I hate my life" is millennial humor?

As a Zoomer, I'm here to say that the phrase actually applies to members of Gen Z as well.

The only difference is that for millennials, it's funny.

I'm serious.

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history.

So you'd think they would have realized that there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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What is Gordon Ramsay's catch phrase during sex?

IT'S FUCKING RAWWW

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Best-fitting phrase for the act of having sex with a little person?

Cumming up short?

You know which phrase I really hate?

Pet peeve.

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Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

A woman called me a bit of a looker

Well, "peeping Tom" was the phrase she actually used.

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A man goes to Japan for a business trip

The night before he meets a very important executive he's extremely nervous. So he hires a prostitute to help him relieve some stress. As they're having sex in his room, she moving around a lot and keeps yelling "machigata ana!" The man doesn't know what this means, but he figures that she's enjoyin...

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catch phrase?

“First come, first severed!”

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I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick.

Slot shot.

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

I've always thought that the phrases 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' meant the same thing

Until I went to a funeral

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign...

I didn't pick it well.

Where did the phrase “Give it to me straight, Doc” originate from?

A proctologist’s office

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Trump’s bodyguards have found a new phrase for “Mr. President get down!”

Donald duck!

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?

No, YOU the bomb.

Here's an interesting turn of phrase.

ǝsɐɹɥd

Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

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What do prostitutes and construction workers have in common?

They both often hear the phrase "Time to get on your backhoe."

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Treat others how you want to be treated.

If the phrase goes, “treat others how you want to be treated”, my dad is one kinky motherfucker.

A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".

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The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron...

Because an asshole gets shit done.

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundr...

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?

Wars end.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

It recently became apparent to me,

that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Thank you and Sorry are the two most polite phrases.

Apparently, "No, thank you, I don't need your advice" and "Sorry, I don't want to help you" don't cut it.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

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