I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

Sean Connery lay on his death bed as he is rushed in a helicopter.

But he isn't on his way to the hospital. As the craft gently touches down, he is carefully wheeled off and pushed into the midst of beautiful New Orleans.

"Well, here we are, Sir Connery," his doctor says, beaming. "Orleans Parish, the most culturally diverse and gorgeous parish in all of Lo...

Did you know? If you lay an average man's circulatory system out in a straight line,

He'd die.

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill worked at the mill before the work did slack off.
The miller cried, I can't decide, whether to lay Jill or Jack off.

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

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The girl in the room across the across the hall is an insatiable nymphomaniac and the best lay I've ever had!

But we have to fuck quietly so we don't wake our mum and dad.

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

I want to be a lay down comedian.

I’ve made every woman I’ve been with laugh in bed, so I’m off to a great start.

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As I lay in my bed tonight....

As I lay in my bed tonight, I look up into the sky and wonder "where the fuck is my roof?"

There was a tile mason who was terrible at his job. He couldn't get the right tile to use and if he did he could not lay it the correct way.

He had erect tile dysfunction

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant...

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

Last night I lay in my bed, looking at the stars an thought

where the hell is my roof?

An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself ...

What lays on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

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Europe lays there like a prostitute.

England is finished but won't pull out.

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

The priest told me to lay on the bed

Once I lied down, he tied me up, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Do NOT ever, ever tell anyone about this".

And then he stole my bike

If you take all your veins and lay them end to end...

... you'd die.

What do you get when you lay a fart in church?

You get to sit in your own pew.

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

sometimes when i get lonely i just get hard in bed and lay there

it's nice to act like there's a hand on my shoulder

(discla8mer i'm drunk i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense)

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

Where did the amphibian lay her eggs?

Dunno, she frogot.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

I was asked to lay new flooring in a pharaohs tomb.

They told me to start at the bottom and work my way up. It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it did involve multi level carpeting.

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

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God said that a man who lays with another man should be stoned..

So I smoke weed before I have anal sex with my boyfriend.

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient ropelay. "Oh ny god," she purred, "are you going to inject ne, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on a hill...?

An eggroll.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, struggling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who lays awake in bed all night wondering if theres a dog.

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

Hey Dad, i think the wing mirror of the car is broken.

Dad: How did that happen?
Me: The car lays on it.

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

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A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

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After a long day at work, i decided to lay in bed and watch the stars. And then it's when it hit me

someone stole my fucking ceiling!

After a long day I like to lay down in my bed, look up at the stars, and think to myself..

Where the hell did my roof go?

A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes.

The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs

I don't usually lay down

I'm not gonna lie

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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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A wife is brushing her teeth while her husband lays in bed...

The wife thinks to herself, "I haven't done anything sexy for my man in a while." So she exists the bathroom, whips open her robe and yells, "super pussy!"

The husband goes, "I'll have the soup."

If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds.

Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?

Reddit is too too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off.

They already have enough on their plates.

What sound do French chickens make when they lay eggs?

OEUF!

I used to lay awake at night wondering if I had ever seen the sun rise…

… but then it dawned on me.

Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end...

He’ll die

If Trump doesn’t lay off the cheeseburgers...

He’ll be up to 6’5 by next year.

Can we all agree to lay off the fat people jokes?

They have a lot on their plate.

How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

What jacket lays down the best farts

Wind breaker

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.

It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight, honey." I mumbled. "I'm too tired."

"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

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A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on t...

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

As she lay there dozing next to me..

..a voice in my head kept saying, "Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."

But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you're a veterinarian.."

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As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed…

…covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her ass, wo things occurred to me…

First, since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Second, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home ea...

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

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jack off

Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler...

My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my gr...

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An elderly man lays on his death bed, accompanied by his loving wife.

She asks him, 'What would you have me do with your body when you are gone?'
He responds, 'My dear, cremate me. And once I am ashes, make the most spicy bowl of chili you can and mix my ashes in with it. Then eat every last bit of the chili.'
'But my dear,' she asked, '..why chili?'
The man ...

What kind of tree lays eggs?

A poultry.

The five senses have had massive lay-offs in their financial department.

There's no accounting for taste.

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

Your mom's the best lay in town

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, *Your mom's the best lay in town.*

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later...

What do a bag of Lay's potato chips and the Milky Way have in common?

They're both mostly empty space.

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Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

In a stunning case some call an abuse of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

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A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.

“Would you like anything?” She says.

The man says, “Yes, are my testicles black?”

The n...

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...

does is lay on the ground, or lie?

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