As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

my girlfriend is one of twins and the other day the twin lay in bed waiting for me...

I didn't fall for it. Her brother's got a beard.

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A husband and wife lay in bed watching tv together

with the remote in his hand, he continuously flicks between 2 channels. one features men fishing while the other contains a lot of sex scenes.

after watching one for about a minute, he flicks back to the other. the wife, who is now annoyed with his indecisiveness, demands that he choose one s...

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

What do you call a queen ant who spends sooo much money to get another ladypart just so she could lay eggs twice as fast?

Extravagant

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

Two days after the city put up a stop sign someone ran it over, now it’s just laying in my yard. They declined my request to send someone out.

They said all re-posts must be at least a month apart.

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A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer...

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer.

Lady next to him - What a coincidence, I also ordered the Kingfisher.
Man - I'm celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?
Lady - My husband & I have been trying 4 yrs for a baby. Tod...

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After making love, a couple lay in bed.

She says to him, "And with that, I have had sex with you more than anyone in my life."

He laughs and says, "You announced that last week, but it's just as funny."

She replies, "And it's just as true."

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The Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack.

Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars and I asked myself...

"Where the hell is my roof?"

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

What breed of roosters lay eggs

Himalayan.

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

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Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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Husband & Wife Negotiating the “Nudge”

Husband and Wife are laying in bed. The husband rolls over and gives his wife the nudge. She says, not tonight honey. No sex tonight. I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning. I will make it up to you.
The husband agrees and rolls back over. A few minutes pass and the husband roll...

Two dogs are laying in their front room

First dog says to the second dog: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Second dog: Yeah, go on then.
First dog: Knock, knock.
Second dog: Woof, woof, woof, woof!

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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Jane teaches tarzan a lesson.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of...

What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on the top of a hill?

Egg rolls.

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An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

Why did the chicken stop laying eggs?

Because it was suffering from henopause.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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It's a typical Saturday night in an Irish pub.

Chatter emerges from people seated around different tables enjoying their Guinness. Everyone is having a nice time.

Suddenly, at one of the tables where two men are seated, one of them raises his voice and says to the other: "Ye know, I FUCKED yer Mum last night!"

The pub goes quieter...

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.

What does an evil hen lay?

Deviled eggs!

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

A woman is in bed with her lover, when they hear her husband get home.

\- Your husband's here! quick, where do I hide? asks the lover.

\- Relax, -says the woman- he's been with his buddies all evening. He's likely so drunk, he won't even notice you're in bed. Just cover yourself with the sheets and wait until he falls asleep.

The husband then opens the...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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My dick is so big...

When I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way form A to Z!

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

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When you are in deep shit

little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was a...

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to sex it up a bit//

Wear linge...

During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.

He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.

When they finished the Precher asked how’s my hearing?

I said idk it isn’t til next week.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky.

Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”
“Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says.
“What does it mean?” Sherlock asks.
“Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.”
“No, what does it MEAN...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

This is a real joke that I did on my brother. Not some copy/pasted joke.

So I was laying down in my bed when I texted my brother and told him to come into my room. I wanted to surprise him with a gift since after all it was his 17th birthday, but the gift is actually hidden somewhere, and he has to follow a set of instructions to prepare for his quest and find its locati...

What is a single chip from a bag of Lay's called?

A Lay.

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.

The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question cor...

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

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One evening, I was laying in the bed with my wife, she looked a little bit sleepy already.

Thinking, it could bring some spice to our intimate life and light up the evening, I said: "Let's play doctor".

She agreed.

Bitch. She wrote me for September saying, her schedule is unfortunately already full.

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefitted from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.

Within a year his son had completely automated the company, upgraded ...

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

How do you call a reporter that is creating news by just laying there?

Bench press.

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

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Yodelling isn't just a form of singing.

It's also a warning that old jedi will fuck you if you're dishonest.
Because Yoda lay he who lie.

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

So I tried transmitting a joke over some old infrared equipment I had laying around.

Let's just say it wasn't well received.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

A Man Lay Sprawled . . .

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater. When an usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir" he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm go...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

I lay awake all night wondering where the sun had gone

And then it dawned on me

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

A lady gets some flowers delivered from her husband

She doesn’t look as excited as the delivery driver thought she should be so he asks, ‘don’t you like the flowers?’
She replies, ‘no I love them, it’s just that now I’ll be expected to lay on my back all weekend with my legs in the air.’
Delivery driver replies ‘why not just use a vase?’

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Teaching son about sex.

In Mississippi, Maw and Paw are going to learn their son Bubba sex.

So Paw tells Maw to get naked and lay on the bed. He asks Bubba if he sees that hole on Maw? Bubba says yea Paw. So Paw says watch Paw, and goes over to Maw and starts going to town.

Sister walks in and asks what’s goi...

I like my jokes how I like my Lay's chips

Original.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

What did the French ostrich say after laying a 4lb egg?

Big oeuf

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

On metaphysics

When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months’ time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five ...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

A man comes home and sees his wife laying naked in the bedroom.

"Whats that?" The man asks.
"Thats the dress of love" says his wife.
The man replies: " You should have ironed that"

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

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A boy and his Grandpa are out looking for nightcrawlers in their backyard to go fishing.

When the boy pulls out a huge nightcrawler and exclaims to his Grandpa " Grandpa, look at this ONE!"

His Grandpa says "That's quite the big nightcrawler you got there. Hey, bet ya 5 bucks you can't get that nightcrawler back in it's hole."

The little boy says "Deal!". Then runs inside ...

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

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A girl with no arms and legs is laying on the beach....

She stops a man that is walking along the water and asks: “Can I tell you something?”

The man replies: “sure”

The women says: “I’ve never been hugged before”

The man gives her a hug and starts to walk down the beach again when the women then says “I’ve also never been kissed bef...

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll?

Roosters don’t lay eggs.

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

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The Licking Frog

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a frog. The man working was very attracted to this woman and instantly went over to help. He ask, What are you looking for? A nice friendly frog! She said. He replied, We have these pussy licking frogs! She instantly bought one. He told her, Take it home an...

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

Mother’s Day Surprise

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. So she lay there looking forward to the breakfast in bed they would make, smelling the smoked bacon as it wafted up the stairs.


After an hour had passed, she decided to go downstairs to investigate. Where she fou...

Why is Cheetara such an easy lay?

Because ThunderCats are loose.

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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A husband and wife are laying in bed reading

Man says" honey can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time?"

Wife says " you have the biggest penis out of all your friends"

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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A man is walking down the beach..

A man is walking down the beach at dusk when he comes across a girl laying on a blanket watching the sunset. She doesn’t have any arms or legs and she’s crying.

He feels bad for her and is compelled to ask “Sweetie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” “Well Mr, I don’t have any arms or legs, I...

Sir John Harrington, the inventor of the flush toilet, is well remembered for two reasons.

Number 1 and Number 2

(Note: Ancient civilizations like the Mesopotamians and Minoans can also lay claim to inventing flush toilets too, I guess)

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.
Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it ...

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe

Sits down at a table and orders a round, whiskey for him and a double for the giraffe

This goes on for a few more rounds until the giraffe is all but passed out, laying across the table

Man stands up and starts to stagger to the exit.

Barman looks over and says "Hey - you can't...

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

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What do pirates call a prostitute laying on the dirt?

Land ho

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

My chickens were laying to many eggs so I had to sell their coop.

They now have a chicken sedan.

Just once I would like to go to a acupuncturist, lay down on his couch and when he says "how can I help you?"

I'll say "Well I keep getting pins and needles in my leg"

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

Donald Trump is getting layed off due to covid 19

Just like most Americans, Donald Trump is about to lose his job and the house Due to covid 19 and has a lot of debt. God bless America!

Two babies are laying in the nursery

One says:
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

There is no better feeling than laying next to the person you love

And they dont know you love them, or that you’re in their house again

As she lay there dozing next to me one voice said, “Relax you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another kept reminding me, “Howard you’re a veterinarian”.

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A woman is speeding

A woman is speeding because she is late for work. Passing a bridge she sees a cop laying in wait. Sure enough he pulls her over and proceeds to write a ticket.

After asking about a warning ticket and getting turned down she lets the officer know it is important that she not be late for work t...

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

You guys need to lay off Ghislaine Maxwell...

She just wants to settle down and have kids

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

Manager: I told everyone to lay three eggs a day, why did you lay one?

Employee: i did my best sir, but actually I'm a rooster

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Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed. Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.

He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet an...

An old Jewish Man is laying in his deathbed

He's about to say his final farewells and asks his wife to come close to him.

He asks, "Are my daughters here?"

His wife dutifully answers, "Yes, all you daughters are here with their partners and children."

He next asks, "Are my sons here?"

His wife replies, "Yes of cour...

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I’ve got to Lay you or jack off ...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I d...

The country of France is laying in a hospital bed.

A doctor comes in and says,"I've got some bad news. It looks like you're not going to make it. Do you have any immediate family that we need to contact?"

France sighs and replies,"I have no immediate family, but I do have a Nice"

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together

The egg is smoking a cigarette. It turns to the chicken and says " I guess that answers that question"

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

A woman is doing the dishes,

When a few minutes later, she hears her husband yelling at her from up the stairs.

“HONEY! COME LOOK AT MY CLOCK!”

She sighs, puts down the towel, and walks up the stairs. She finally gets to the room, and sees her husband laying starkers on the bed, hard-on wagging in the air.
...

Do you wanna play battleship?

I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out if me.

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A young man turns 18

His uncle offers to take him to the local brothel for his birthday. The young man happily agrees hoping to finally lose his virginity.

They show up at the brothel and the young man is brought back to a private room by a very beautiful woman.

Woman: “You can undress and lay on the bed...

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