Q. If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are all wizards, then why can’t they cast spells to kill those who oppose them?

A. Because they don’t have any access to black magic.

Why did Obama have the cast of Hamilton preform at the White House?

Because presidents don’t do too well in theatres

The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

My D&D group found a walking stick that casts Column of Wind when you go fast.

It's a hurry cane.

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend.

"How did you break your leg?" asked the friend

"It's like this," he replied: "This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realized he would need to stay late at w...

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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My wife said she wants a small gift this year for Valentine's day

So I'm making her a dildo cast from my own penis.

A policeman comes across three men sitting on a bench in the middle of a city park...

The one in the middle is calmy reading a newspaper, while the men on either side of him are pantomiming fishing. As the cop watches, again and again they bait invisible hooks, cast their rods, reel them back in with empty hands, and repeat the process.

After a few moments, the policeman appr...

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

What does Harvey Weinstein have in common with a broken arm? (NSFW)

They both are looking forward to getting their cast off.

What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese?

Smoked Muenster.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?

A pot-cast.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast?

“Get whale soon"

A reporter asked President Trump if he was concerned that one recent poll had 54% of likely voters casting their ballots for Joe Biden.

The president confidently responded that the other 56% were voting for him.

Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad

They had great chemistry.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man.

He was a height supremacist.

Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming...

I dont have a samsung tv in my house.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

I Just Got Cast In A Commercial!

I'm the "before" picture

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft cunt!"

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

The casting for Hamilton was awful,

It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British.

Jesus says, Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

A single stone flys from the crowd and strikes the woman.
Jesus yells, MOM!

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie.

There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

Why Caitlyn Jenner does not cast a shadow?

Because she is transparent

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

I watched a movie about fishing...

It had a great cast in it.

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Two men were cast away at sea

They landed on a island and were captured by the native people. They were taken to the tribal chief and he told them "you have two choices watuk watuk or death". The first cast away chose watuk watuk and a native with the biggest 13 inch cock came in and fucked the castaway. The second cast away sa...

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible?

the movie will be Impossible.

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

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Jesus vs the mob

An adulterous is surrounded by a mob ready to stone her to death when Jesus comes out and stands infront of the crowd and says, ***"he who hath not sinned cast the first stone"***, the mob suddenly feels ashamed of themselves and stops

Suddenly, a stone flies over the crowd and hits the adult...

You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

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The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.

They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.

Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

Avengers cast

Interviewer: are you a human

Avengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

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A hillbilly once went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I need a cast(e)ration,” the hillbilly said. The Doctor replied, “Are you sure about that?”
The hillbilly promptly responds, “Well, I have given it some thought, and I am really excited about the change.”
The hillbilly finally goes through with the procedure and over time, recovers....

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

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A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.....

There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s

2 o’clock.”
...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

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