If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

A reporter asked President Trump if he was concerned that one recent poll had 54% of likely voters casting their ballots for Joe Biden.

The president confidently responded that the other 56% were voting for him.

What did the director Christopher Nolan say to Tom Hardy when he asked him to cast in the movie Tenet ?

Sorry, Tom,.......it's Hardy.

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming...

I dont have a samsung tv in my house.

Did you hear the one about the Vegan Crossfitter who saw Hamilton live on Broadway with the original cast?

He didn't know which one to talk about first.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie.

There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

I Just Got Cast In A Commercial!

I'm the "before" picture

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?

“Bench-appear-o!”

The casting for Hamilton was awful,

It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British.

Rumours are spreading that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being cast in a Namor the Sub-Mariner film. It's not known who he will be playing...

But we can confirm that it's not Attuma.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

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A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”

Because every play has a cast

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

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My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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The CEO of Comcast dies and goes to hell

Upon his arrival, Satan inspects the CEO's rap sheet casts his eyes to heaven, and shouts: "Thank you Jesus! You fucking finally brought my replacement down here!"

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The King had a promiscuous wife...

He did not trust her with his life, but custom dictated that he remained with her until the end of time.
One day came a call for war. The king and his soldiers suited up to face the enemy, but there remained one thing he had to do. To ensure that the queen wouldn't go whoring about in his absenc...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.

When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.

After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.

"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must tr...

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The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Hugh Jackman is the perfect person cast as Wolverine.

He is huge, jacked, and a man.

Highschool orchestra goes fishing

Some kids from the highschool orchestra go out on a charter fishing boat during summer break. 

The captain comes out to talk to them and says "Any of you kids ever cast a net?"

"No sir, we're all from the brass section"

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Little Johnny was out fishing with his dad.

They cast their lines and his dad lights up a smoke. Little Johnny looks over and says, "Hey dad, can I take a drag on that?".

His dad looks over and says, "Son, does your dick touch your arse?"

"No."

"Then you're not a man and you cannot have a cigarette."

His dad then p...

What do you call Sons of Anarchy with all Latino cast?

The Mayans.

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

I'm gonna cast an evil spell

E-V-I-L

What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible?

the movie will be Impossible.

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

Avengers cast

Interviewer: are you a human

Avengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

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The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is

when you’re signing someone’s cast.

I saw a movie about fishing last night...

The cast was pretty great

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

What do you give a director with a broken arm?

A cast

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use

Vin Diesel

Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

What do you call a female streamer?

A broad casting.

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting.

Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance.

Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell?

Because his MPnada

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”

The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”

“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a mov...

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

I was never really into fishing until the casting accident.

After that I was hooked.

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

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On a cold and snowy day Jim walks into work with a cast on his right arm...

"Why, Jim! Are you ok? How did you break your arm?" asks Steve.

"Well Steve, I slipped on some ice and fell down my front porch. As for how I'm doing? It doesn't hurt that much, but its made things really difficult." says Jim.

"Really? How so?"

"First off, I can't drive my stick...

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