The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

We do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play needs a cast...

A new black widow has been casted in the Marvel MCU

It’s Chadwick Bozeman’a wife

I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese?

Smoked Muenster.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast?

“Get whale soon"

Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad

They had great chemistry.

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man.

He was a height supremacist.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft cunt!"

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

So i was watching p*rn last night and accidently pressed cast to tv, it found a samsung tv and started steaming...

I dont have a samsung tv in my house.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

I Just Got Cast In A Commercial!

I'm the "before" picture

I watched a movie about fishing...

It had a great cast in it.

A man and his friend buy a home that was a previously a brothel.

A man and his friend buy a home that was a previously a brothel. They only had 4 neighbors, a priest, a paranormal investigator, a retired detective, and a woman named Samantha. One night the man begins to hear ghostly, feminine moaning from his friends room, keeping him up until early in the mornin...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.

They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.

Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods.

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods, because she had something they wanted. She managed to evade them till she saw the lights of a farmhouse, where she found a strange man muttering about "people's indifference to him before he put on the mask".

Crazed thoug...

The casting for Hamilton was awful,

It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie.

There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

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Jesus vs the mob

An adulterous is surrounded by a mob ready to stone her to death when Jesus comes out and stands infront of the crowd and says, ***"he who hath not sinned cast the first stone"***, the mob suddenly feels ashamed of themselves and stops

Suddenly, a stone flies over the crowd and hits the adult...

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A hillbilly once went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I need a cast(e)ration,” the hillbilly said. The Doctor replied, “Are you sure about that?”
The hillbilly promptly responds, “Well, I have given it some thought, and I am really excited about the change.”
The hillbilly finally goes through with the procedure and over time, recovers....

I came across a poker table that had playing cards made of cast iron.

I asked the person who was handing out the cards to the players if they made the cards themselves, but they kept saying in the most poetic way that it wasn't them, because that would be illegal.

I think they're lying; whoever smelt it dealt it, whoever did the rhyme did the crime, and whoever...

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No good deed goes unpunished

I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.

He: “Dude, don’t ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt wa...

Why Caitlyn Jenner does not cast a shadow?

Because she is transparent

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

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A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.....

There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s

2 o’clock.”
...

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

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Peter, one of the 12 apostles is walking through Jerusalem.....

He rounds a corner and comes upon a mob about to stone a poor woman to death . The mob believe woman is a prostitute and should be killed. Peter springs to action putting himself between the mob and the woman and shouts " Stop at once and let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Immediately...

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

An Englishman, Frenchman, American and Mexican are on a plane…

Plane starts going down and the pilot yells “we need to cast off weight to make a landing but there is only one parachute!”

So the Brit decides to be valiant and be the first to jump. “God save the Queen!” and he jumps out.

The Frenchman follows suit: “Vive le France!” and out he goes....

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

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The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

Avengers cast

Interviewer: are you a human

Avengers endgame cast: I am not sure if I am aloud to tell you that

What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use

Vin Diesel

Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

The anniversary of Sully's heroic landing reminds us: You know you've succeeded in life if they cast Tom Hanks to play you in a movie...

Either that or you're just a really lucky idiot.

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarel...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

How did my cat know tomorrow's weather?

He looked at the fur-cast

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

what did the redditor say to the retiring Ugandan Parliament member after he cast his final ballot?

take your U.P. vote and get out lol

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

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