Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

What do you call a witch who can't decide between casting good spells or bad spells?

Trans-hex-ual

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

I recently heard that a director was casting ex felons and goons for his next movie

I don't know how the movie's gonna be

But that is a killer cast!

And they are probably gonna steal the show!

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

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Two men were cast away at sea

They landed on a island and were captured by the native people. They were taken to the tribal chief and he told them "you have two choices watuk watuk or death". The first cast away chose watuk watuk and a native with the biggest 13 inch cock came in and fucked the castaway. The second cast away sa...

Jesus says, Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

A single stone flys from the crowd and strikes the woman.
Jesus yells, MOM!

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

The easiest time to add insult to injury is

when you’re signing someone’s cast.

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

What do you give a director with a broken arm?

A cast

I saw a movie about fishing last night...

The cast was pretty great

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

What do you call a female streamer?

A broad casting.

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

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The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use

Vin Diesel

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

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Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grampa decides to take his grandson fishing. They put the boat in the water. Row the boat out a little ways. Grandson casts his line and then once grandpa gets the anchor in he casts his line leans back and opens a beer. This is their conversation.

"GrandPa"
"Yes Grandson"
"Can I h...

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Witches and wizards don't fart

They cast smells.

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting.

Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell?

Because his MPnada

Which singer has problems casting spells?

Barry Mana Low

what did the redditor say to the retiring Ugandan Parliament member after he cast his final ballot?

take your U.P. vote and get out lol

Which alloy contains magical properties?

Cast iron.

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

This guy's kid was blind.

So he took it to all manner of doctors and holy people but nobody could help. Eventually he found this witch. And she told him that she can restore sight to the child, but the spell she would cast would kill the father.

The guy resigned himself to death and agreed. The witch cast her voodoo o...

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"

The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."

An...

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

A couple went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered the Chicken Surprise.

When the food arrived it was in a cast iron pot.

The boyfriend reached over only to have the lid pop up, and staring back at him were two beady eyes. Then the lid slammed down.

The couple was weirded out by this, but the boyfriend reached over again only to have the lid pop back up and...

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”

The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”

“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a mov...

I was never really into fishing until the casting accident.

After that I was hooked.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

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On a cold and snowy day Jim walks into work with a cast on his right arm...

"Why, Jim! Are you ok? How did you break your arm?" asks Steve.

"Well Steve, I slipped on some ice and fell down my front porch. As for how I'm doing? It doesn't hurt that much, but its made things really difficult." says Jim.

"Really? How so?"

"First off, I can't drive my stick...

All these women-casted movie reboots

The studios behind the women-casted reboot movies must be making a fortune by cutting their labor costs by 30%

What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

I just saw a play about a man with a broken leg...

the cast was terrible.

Interview (casting) :

- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

I'm casting my vote for official anthem of Reddit

I vote that it should be "Karma Chameleon".

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

What happened to the cast of House of Cards after shooting their last episode?

Kevin Spacey held a Rapp party.

Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

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