If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

Did you hear that the guy who sang "Paralyzer" got banned from meeting the Stranger Things cast?

Apparently he wanted to Finger Eleven.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.

“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”

“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

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The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

It wasn’t much fun breaking my neck and being in a cast..

But now I can look back and laugh.

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use

Vin Diesel

Did you hear Charlize Theron has been cast in the next Ant-Man movie?

It's going to be called "Subatomic Blonde."

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

The anniversary of Sully's heroic landing reminds us: You know you've succeeded in life if they cast Tom Hanks to play you in a movie...

Either that or you're just a really lucky idiot.

Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell?

Because his MPnada

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

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Bought a DIY dildo set so I could cast my girlfriend a dildo from my own manhood.

She didn't like it... Takes 24 hours to harden

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.

They said, “It depends. Wakanda pizza?”

Did you hear the cast of "The Expendables" is making a new movie called "The Composers"?

Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach".

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

Someone asked me to sign their cast.

So I wrote, "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

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On a cold and snowy day Jim walks into work with a cast on his right arm...

"Why, Jim! Are you ok? How did you break your arm?" asks Steve.

"Well Steve, I slipped on some ice and fell down my front porch. As for how I'm doing? It doesn't hurt that much, but its made things really difficult." says Jim.

"Really? How so?"

"First off, I can't drive my stick...

Why do we tell all actors to ‘break a leg’?

Because every play has a cast.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

What happened to the cast of House of Cards after shooting their last episode?

Kevin Spacey held a Rapp party.

If Trump was cast in Game of Thrones, which character would he play?

Littlefingers

What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

Why couldn't the ocean mage cast a spell?

He forgot to drink his manatee.

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?

Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.

John: But why? What happened?

Ben: They beat me inside the ...

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

They're remaking Ocean's 11 with an all-female cast and it's gonna be called Ocean's 8

It's that damn wage gap I tell ya!

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the firs...

If you teach a man to cast a net.

He will be a hit at Spanish parties!

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I have a cast iron fetish

I guess you could say I'm pansexual

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

Little Johnny casts his vote

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what an Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Joh...

The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque

The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"

The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

What do groups of whales listen to together?

*pod*-casts

I still don't see why Daniel Radcliffe was cast for Now You See Me 2.

I just can't see him as a magician.

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I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked!

I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus."

It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.

11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 get into a fight and 13 gets murdered.

The police arrive and start the murder investigation. But almost immediately, they release 12, 14, and 15. Everyone is surprised at how quickly and efficiently the police conducted the investigation. A press conference was held and the police were asked how they cracked the case.
The Chief Inv...

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

A priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi were at the bar debating over which of their religions was best

The priest suggested a competition. He said that the best way to figure out whose religion was best was to see who could convert an atheist to his own religion.

“No that’s too easy,” said the Rabbi.

Suddenly, a bear walked by and the Baptist preacher said, “the true religious man wou...

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine ...

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".



The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.



Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes loo...

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

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No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.

He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with ...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

I heard Oscar the Grouch was getting kicked off of Sesame Street.

Apparently he was trash talking the other cast members behind their backs.

A man goes to see his priest.

Father, my life is terrible, I have so many problems.

The priest tells him that he needs an exorcism to cast the devil out of his life.

Can't do that father, I have 3 chidren with her.

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

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