Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

Estate planning

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Spent all morning with my estate planning lawyer working on my will," he tells the bartender. "Turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend. Unless they have a church."

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

A girl asking a guy - who are you planning to satisfy with that little thing?

- Myself.

What do you call it when your former girlfriend sees the person you are planning to con?

Ex spots the mark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

A girl enters a superstore and asked a salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

A girl enters a superstore and asked the salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

Salesgirl replied “Yes of course, it’s in family planning on aisle 5”

Thanking her, the girl rushed towards the aisle.

20 mins later:

Salesgirl finds the same girl again in aisle 5. Curious, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

Is Ivanka still planning on running in 2024?

From the Feds? Yes!

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

I was planning on visiting Cheltenham but I chickened out at the last second.

Turns out I’m Gloucesterphobic

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare because she's busy with "activism" and "planning women's marches".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dress of love

A young woman is about to get married and wants to make her first night with her husband to be as special as possible. While she is wedding planning with her mother, aunt and grandma she decides to ask them what she should do during the wedding night to get her husband really going. Her mom goes fir...

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

I wasn't originally planning on getting a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
...

Apple is planning on releasing a car

it will have Windows .

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

Jack and Carl are planning their escape from jail...

Jack: "Tomorrow we'll escape. Here's the plan. if the wall is short we'll go over it and if the wall is tall we'll go under it."

Carl: "Let me check the wall!"

After few minutes Carl comes back...

Carl: "There's a problem... there's no wall..."

Jack: "Gosh! We can't escap...

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

Singapore Airlines are planning to start flights to nowhere

But I'm pretty sure Malaysia Airlines beat them to it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

Anyone planning on attending their non-conformist church now that COVID restrictions are lifted?

Remember to bring your mask. Always practice safe sects.

...I'll see myself out.

My friend was planning to get a Labrador.

Is he mad? Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

A father is planning a birthday party for his son, who is a huge Phillies fan.

The father recently befriended a sports agent, so he reaches out:

"Hey Mike, my kid's birthday is coming up on the 27th and I wanted to see if you could pull some strings to have someone from the Phillies make an appearance at his party."

"Yeah, I think Shane Victorino is actually gonn...

Engineers and managers on train

(obligatory, English is my second language, so expect some mistakes)

Group of engineers and managers are going to a conference and they're travelling by train. Managers bought one ticket each while whole engineers group has single ticket. Managers laught at them for not planning properly, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.