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Planning Jokes

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with ...

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I was planning to take Astrophysics as my last college course but it turns out to be full. So I have to take some other course to graduate.

It’s…not Rocket Science.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

I'm planning to start a business on teaching math to short people.

Gonna call it "making the little things count".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

How's the wedding planning coming on, John?

John: "We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two skidmarks are stuck to the side of the toilet bowl.

One asks the other, how long are you planning on sticking around?

Other one says.. I dunno, just until I get pissed off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his missus wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week, when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see him. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand and a camp fire burning.

One ...

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel....

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

Estate planning

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Spent all morning with my estate planning lawyer working on my will," he tells the bartender. "Turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend. Unless they have a church."

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

I was planning on visiting Cheltenham but I chickened out at the last second.

Turns out I’m Gloucesterphobic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

The cats are planning to invade Mars. My neighbour's cat told me when it was heavily drunk.

Or was I?

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Apple is planning on releasing a car

it will have Windows .

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