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Planning Jokes

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an escort service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

I was planning on getting a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Planning meals in advance...

Now that's some food forethought.

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Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.



Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.




Two days l...

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Elmer Fudd and Bugs bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer “if it is whiskey”? Elmer replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”!

The Blonde’s father said “I hope you’re not planning to be alone at your boyfriend’s place.”

She said, “Don’t’ be silly. He’ll be there.”

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

As part of an urban planning experiment, a group of stoners are tasked with designing a small American city...

They decide that there should be both a Denny's and a good Denny's.

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

C-3PO, Robocop, and The Terminator are planning a play about classical music composers

C-3PO says, “I’ll be Mozart”. Robocop says, “I’ll be Beethoven”. The Terminator says, “I’ll be Bach”.

How's the wedding planning coming on, John?

John: "We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

Estate planning

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Spent all morning with my estate planning lawyer working on my will," he tells the bartender. "Turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend. Unless they have a church."

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

Planning a dinner party in 2020 is like planning an orgy.

It's taboo, risks spreading disease, and you gotta know the people you invite will be into it.

I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

Odin is planning to take a flight, so he packs his bags and heads to the airport. One of the staff says "sir, you'll have to keep your pet in the hold..."

Odin laughs and says, "no, this is a carrion raven."

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the De...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Apple is planning on releasing a car

it will have Windows .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnol...

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

My friend was planning to get a Labrador.

Is he mad? Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

Singapore Airlines are planning to start flights to nowhere

But I'm pretty sure Malaysia Airlines beat them to it

Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial plannin...

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

I was planning on telling a joke about unemployment

But none of them work

I'm planning to run for office.

My car broke down.

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

I was planning to take Astrophysics as my last college course but it turns out to be full. So I have to take some other course to graduate.

It’s…not Rocket Science.

I was planning on visiting Cheltenham but I chickened out at the last second.

Turns out I’m Gloucesterphobic

I think the pigeons are planning an uprising.

They keep saying coup, coup, coup.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

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Planning Ahead.

Two friends are sitting on a park bench reminiscing ..........

John: Congratulations man, I heard you just had a child. Hope you're planning for the future man, times are tough.

Jack: Thanks bud, I already opened a savings account for her future.


John: Cool man, college cost...

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

3 politicians are planning a gala

Harry Anand, George Bush, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide that the gala should be a costumed event, but gave difficulty agreeing on the theme.

Eventually, Harry suggests they go as a figure for their heritage whom they respect and admire.

Arnold thinks this is a great idea, and George...

I've decided to start planning ahead

So far I'm thinking two ears, maybe a nose... Annnnd 3? No, 4 eyes.

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant...

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product

Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”

Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy was planning to get married

And asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding...

Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020...

I bet they'll suck.

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family Planning

After having their 11th child, a couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called 'vasectomy' that would fix the probl...

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

The ghosts have begun planning for Halloween this year

Beware, they're quite the cunning strategeists

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

I'm planning on starting a new condom company called 'Useful'.

So people can say they finally came in useful for once.

I heard Apple are planning on developing a computerized car

Unfortunately, they're having trouble installing windows

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I'm planning to open a tattoo parlor

Where all women will get free tattoos in exchange for showing me their boobs. I'm gonna call it 'Tit for Tat'

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