Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I was planning to get a brain translpant,

but I changed my mind.

In this Quarantine, I'm planning to watch movie with my girlfriend.

Please suggest a good girlfriend.

My friend was planning to get a Labrador.

Is he mad? Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

I was planning on telling a joke about unemployment

But none of them work

Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day

Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product

Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”

Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

I heard they're planning to close off Lenin's Mausoleum, but they haven't decided yet.

Remains to be seen.

A multimillionaire was asked what the best factor was in becoming a multimillionaire. He said planning and thinking ahead was paramount...

He continued. "*I planned and thought well ahead on how I was going to manage and spend my grandparent's multimillion-dollar wealth when they died and I inherited it - and here I am today.*"

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

I'm planning on getting laser eye surgery next year!

Can't wait to see in 2020

I was planning on taking leftovers from the party.

All my plans were foiled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lawyer: I heard the oompa loompas singing. what are you planning on doing to these kids, Willy?

**Wonka:**

**lawyer:**

**Wonka:** ifitsokaytokillthemsaywhat

**lawyer:** I'm sorry what?

**Wonka:** *[stuffing tape recorder in pocket]* oh what, I didnt say nothing.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

I think the pigeons are planning an uprising.

They keep saying coup, coup, coup.

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

A surgeon is planning on marrying his girlfriend, but her father refuses to allow him to do so.

After months of persuasion, the surgeon has gotten no-where closer to getting married, even though he’s done nothing to upset his girlfriend’s father.

But one day while at his normal job at the hospital, the surgeon receives news that the father is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance,...

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

I overheard some kids saying they were planning on doing a shooting at my old highschool.

I went over and told them I used to go there. I said i figured I'd save them some time and show them the best areas to do the shooting.

Afterward they thanked me but asked perplexed why i would help them.

I said "Just thought I could help some up and coming film makers. Us artists gott...

A man was planning a funeral for his deceased father.

“I want only the best for him.” He told the mortician
A month after the funeral, the man got a bill for $70. He paid it. The next month he got another bill for $70. He paid it. The is kept going on until the 5th month. He called the mortician and asked about the bill.
The mortician said, “Wel...

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?

Winner : I’m going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.

Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?

Winner : I’ll probably just waste it.

I'm planning to run for office.

My car broke down.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

I heard Apple are planning on developing a computerized car

Unfortunately, they're having trouble installing windows

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.