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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So th...

I wouldn't be able to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom but..

Elijah Wood.

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

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What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive?

What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed!

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

A man climbs Mount Everest.

He manages to reach the top, looks out at the amazing view, and promptly bursts into tears.

"Sir, what is wrong?" His guide asks.

The man struggles to get himself under control. "I- I just- I just realized..."

"My entire life will be all downhill from here."

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

What did Haley Joel Osment find on Mount Everest?

Icy dead people.

The sermon on the mount

Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."

Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"

John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."

What happens when you travel to mount Rushmore

You will see a literal cliff face

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology.

It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist.

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

I just heard the owner of Dulux paint passed away on Mount Everest

Apparently he could've done with another coat

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What do people that masturbate on mount Everest and terrorists on a plane have in common?

They are all hijacking.

I'm sorry and I will let myself out.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

There are three girls,

and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”
They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Becau...

Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round...

It only gets busy at peak times.

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TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest...

When asked how he feels, he said "I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!"

What makes people fall in love with Mount Rushmore?

It's the men with all the chiseled features.

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A young lady is set to be the first woman to orgasm on the peak of Mount Everest.

Reports say that she'll be coming round the mountain when she cums.

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

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What's the difference between standing on top of Mount Everest and getting a blowjob from a 90 year old grandma?

There is none.

In both cases you're enjoying but you must not look down.

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for something amazing but also cheap

The owner says that he has a talking fox for only £20. The man says "How rediculous, foxes can't talk and even if they could why would you sell him so cheap?!". While he's asking this a fox comes over, puts his paw on the desk as if to interrupt and says "Actually I can talk. I've written 3 books an...

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

What did Zeus pick as Mount Olympus’ national anthem?

Greeced Lightning.

An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Bull has Erectile Dysfunction

Farmer tells a veterinarian that his bull won’t mount the cows because of E.D. The vet says that’s easy to fix the vet walks over to a cow sticks his hand in the cow’s privates and takes his wet hand and rubs it over the nose of the bull. The bull immediately gets excited and mounts the cow. The sa...

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What is a bucking bronco fuck?

That is where you mount your wife from behind. Then you grab onto her tits real tight and say "You're almost as good as your sister."

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?


Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.


Friend: Neat.


Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!


Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?


Man: Well, t...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ...

... and tell no one.

Why do people get depressed when they reach the peak of Mount Everest?

Because it's all downhill from there

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

My Friend asked me about my EpiPen

"Why is there an EpiPen mounted on your wall?" My friend asked while visiting

"This is a memory to my best friend. We were eating dinner at a restaurant when after taking a few bites he suddenly grabbed his throat. He kept gasping for air and when he started turning blue I knew these were his...

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

Soda Pop Boyfriends

At their ten year high school reunion, Mary is seated with her old friend Jane.  Mary tells Jane about her husband who she has been with since high school.  Jane tells Mary that she never did marry but had plenty of boy friends and that she always named the boy friends after soda pops.  Really a...

A rich couple was going out for the evening.

The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throck...

My friend and I are just in the middle of climbing Mount Everest. We are so exhausted, when we get to the top...

Me and Himalayaing down for a bit

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

Oh, you want to climb to the top of Mount Everest?

Did it PEAK your interest?

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

If the United States put Trump on Mount Rushmore,

It'll be "huge".

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
“Hey Burt! Are you alive?” shouts Mack from above.
“Yeah I am.”
“I’m going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I’ll pull you out.”
“I can’t. My arms are broken.”
“Okay then w...

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

What do you call a stuffed animal version of Mount Rushmore?

Mount Plushmore

One Sunday morning

the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women w...

There were talks about adding Trumps' head to Mount Rushmore.

But they couldn't find rock that was thick enough.

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A big-city doctor visits a Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."



The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: ...

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A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl ...

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

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The tale of the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit is sitting next to each other in the woods, taking a shit when the bear asks the rabbit. “Do you mind when you get shit stuck in your fur? “No.” says the rabbit. The bear then proceeds to wipe his ass with the rabbit.

A few weeks later, as both walk together they stumble ...

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

A photographer was on vacation

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that
read '€10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it w...

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On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

I've heard of Lawyers who mount a stag's head in their study, or Doctors who mount a lion's head in their dining room...

I guess I just don't see the problem with a British Prime Minister mounting a pig's head wherever he pleases.

Mount Vernon?

I mean, shouldn't we ask Vernon if that's okay first?

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely”.

Obama was offered to get his face carved into Mount Rushmore

But he declined. He didn't want to get ahead of himself.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

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NSFW Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper i...

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

Apparently there was a Problem with a request to put Trump's Face on Mount Rushmore

It seems granite isn't a dense enough substance to accurately portray his head

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A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

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Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

A woman calls the reception of Mount Sinai Hospital ....

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Fink...

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

Young mountain climber

My son made a model of mount Everest for his school project.
"Is it to scale?" I asked him.
"Don't be stupid Dad, it's just to look at!"

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Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, ‟I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my mster's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it'll calm me down.”

The second, a mut...

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A Heartwarming Christmas Story in Limerick Form

Santa's reindeer were all in a rut
and desperate to just bust a nut
So horny ol' Blitzen,
he jumped atop Vixen
And once mounted, went straight up the butt

But it turns out that Vixen's a guy
So fast and so strong and so spry
He's a sexy young buck
who...

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

I hear the view from Mount Everest is breathtaking...

literally.

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