UPJOKE
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What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed

In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel....

It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

My friend keeps telling me how much he wants to climb Mount Everest.

I then told him, “Get over it!”.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

What do you call Snoop Dogg on Mount Everest?

The highest place on Earth.

What do you call a four man rock group that doesn't sing?

Mount Rushmore

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

A Frenchman came to Texas

A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the...

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

I wouldn't be able to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom but..

Elijah Wood.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

A man climbs Mount Everest.

He manages to reach the top, looks out at the amazing view, and promptly bursts into tears.

"Sir, what is wrong?" His guide asks.

The man struggles to get himself under control. "I- I just- I just realized..."

"My entire life will be all downhill from here."

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush
2. part Red Sea
3. climb Mount Sinai
4. ?????????
5. PROPHET!!!!

Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So th...

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LongMEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes ho...

What did Haley Joel Osment find on Mount Everest?

Icy dead people.

The sermon on the mount

Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: x²+5x+10."

Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"

John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."

Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she...

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Advice for the man who wants excitement in his sex life:

Try "Rodeo Screwing".

Mount your wife from behind, whisper "This is how I do it with your sister", and try to stay on for eight seconds.

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What do people that masturbate on mount Everest and terrorists on a plane have in common?

They are all hijacking.

I'm sorry and I will let myself out.

What happens when you travel to mount Rushmore

You will see a literal cliff face

What do British people call a mountain they've forgotten the name of?

Summit

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

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A young lady is set to be the first woman to orgasm on the peak of Mount Everest.

Reports say that she'll be coming round the mountain when she cums.

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

It turns out that it really would be a good idea to add Trump's face to mount Rushmore because of geology.

It turns out the entire mountain is made of Schist.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

What did the people of Pompeii say when they saw ash spewing from Mount Vesuvius?

Don’t worry, we have Pliny of time!

So, I bought these ceiling mounted speakers...

When I glanced over the instruction manual it read: “Screwing up is Mandatory”

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

I just heard the owner of Dulux paint passed away on Mount Everest

Apparently he could've done with another coat

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

What makes people fall in love with Mount Rushmore?

It's the men with all the chiseled features.

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TIL On May 25th 2001, a blind man named Erik Weihenmayer climbed the top of Mount Everest...

When asked how he feels, he said "I'm gonna kill that fucking guide dog of mine!"

Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round...

It only gets busy at peak times.

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What's the difference between standing on top of Mount Everest and getting a blowjob from a 90 year old grandma?

There is none.

In both cases you're enjoying but you must not look down.

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

What did Zeus pick as Mount Olympus’ national anthem?

Greeced Lightning.

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Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so >POOF< a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

Seeing as how Mount St Helen's been all over social media...

I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations

Moses came down

Moses came down from Mount Sinai and announced to the people, "I just got done speaking with God." "No way!" the townspeople shouted. "Yahweh."

Why do people get depressed when they reach the peak of Mount Everest?

Because it's all downhill from there

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

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"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you penetrate the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.

Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I screwed that up.

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

My friend and I are just in the middle of climbing Mount Everest. We are so exhausted, when we get to the top...

Me and Himalayaing down for a bit

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
“Hey Burt! Are you alive?” shouts Mack from above.
“Yeah I am.”
“I’m going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I’ll pull you out.”
“I can’t. My arms are broken.”
“Okay then w...

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The facts of life

A papa dog decided to day was the day to teach his son the facts of life. They started their day going for a walk and as they do papa dog comes across some trash cans so he turns to his son and tells him to pay attention as he knocks one down and starts eating from it. The papa dog tells his son "yo...

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

Oh, you want to climb to the top of Mount Everest?

Did it PEAK your interest?

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

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A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl ...

What would we call a stone carving dedicated to the dentists of the world?

Mount Brushmore

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Dogs will be Doggs

Three dogs are at the vet. One asks the others, "So, what are you guys in for?"

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivere...

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

Many people daydream about being on the top of Mount Everest,

It turns out they're already super high.

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

The Law of The Forest

A hunter goes into the woods to go hunting. Suddenly, he hears a bear growling. He then spots it not too far away. He aims his gun at it, shoots, and misses. The bear turns toward the sound of the gunshot, annoyed.

"Mister," said the bear. "Why are you trying to shoot me when I'm out here min...

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

I've heard of Lawyers who mount a stag's head in their study, or Doctors who mount a lion's head in their dining room...

I guess I just don't see the problem with a British Prime Minister mounting a pig's head wherever he pleases.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

Obama was offered to get his face carved into Mount Rushmore

But he declined. He didn't want to get ahead of himself.

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

Mount Vernon?

I mean, shouldn't we ask Vernon if that's okay first?

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

Apparently there was a Problem with a request to put Trump's Face on Mount Rushmore

It seems granite isn't a dense enough substance to accurately portray his head

A woman calls the reception of Mount Sinai Hospital ....

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Fink...

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely”.

Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently...

The steaks have never been higher.

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

I hear the view from Mount Everest is breathtaking...

literally.

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

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Climbing Mount Everest, Bob complains about being in pain...

...the guide takes him to the side, points to the front of the group and says "Look at Vince, he's got no legs and he's leading the group, you have legs and you're at the back, what's your excuse?" He looks the tour guide in the eyes and replies "my fucking legs hurt"

Did i ever tell you the story about how I climed mount everest?

I made it up

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Did you guys here about what was going on at Mount Rushmore before the carvings?

Man, that shit was unpresidented.

I finally reached the Top of Mount Everest!

But things went really downhill from there...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen"

The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got exited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

There are three girls,

and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”
They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Becau...

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let...

If you blew up Mount Rushmore, what crime would you have committed?

Four counts of defacing a national monument.

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

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