A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

What do the Hungarians cook for Halloween?

Ghoulash

First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

Why did the cook get hired?

Because he brought a lot to the table.

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

I'm not a fan of Thomas Cook.

They're just not Going Places.

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

The Italian chef spent his whole life cooking before he pasta way...

He said it was worth every penne.

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What did the rack of ribs say to the grill waiting to cook the ribs?

So I am just sitting here..barbecue sauce on my titties

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Once the sex robots learn cooking...

women will be 'screwed'.

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

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The Wife was watching a cookery show I said"What you watching that for you can't cook?"

She said "so? You watch porn"

What do you call a Native American who cooks?

A Sioux Chef

My wife asked me if she could have some peace quiet while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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So some jerks cooked and ate an Ewok.

It was a little Chewy.

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

What do Gerry McCann and Thomas Cook have in common?

Both will take you on holiday, but they won't bring you home

I once tried to teach cooking at a homeless shelter,

But it was difficult to get the attention of the entire state of California.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

What do you call a cooked pig that was beautiful?

Baecon

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

I just read my first cooking book!

It's about thyme.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.

He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.

The first French fries weren't actually cooked in France...

They were cooked in Greece.

Wives are obligated to cook for their husbands.





According to the Geneva Convention, prisoners have a right to hot food!

I cooked and ate a rugby team

Tasted scrummy!

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

I like to cook with wine

Some times I even add it to the food

Why is pizza cooked on a round pan?

Cause it's 360 degrees.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

What do you call a lawyer who likes to cook?

A Sous-Chef

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

A guy is cooking up some corn on the cob and he's not too sure how long it cooks for

So he plays it by ear.

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

When does a sandwich cook?

When it’s Bacon lettuce and tomato.

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

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A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter, "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

Did you know that Rob Zombie is actually a cannibal and a terrible cook?

I went to a dinner party at his house. The main course was more cumin than human.

I made my family laugh while cooking eggs

What a great yolk

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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What did the frustrated cook say when he ran out of spice for a recipe?

"I don't have thyme for this shit"

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

Tim Cook joked about Trump getting his name wrong. Trump claimed it was fake news. Shows a lot about their character...

But that's comparing apples and oranges

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

5 year old son, after reading story of a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wifes.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son!

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wifes...

I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

How do cannibals cook feet?

In a toester oven.

The cooks didnt see it coming

My egg order has left the chefs scrambling

A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.



“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”



The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.



The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes...

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

Why did apple remove headphone jack from iPhone?

Because Tim Cook prefers one hole underneath instead of two.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

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Got drunk and told my arabic neighbor his cooking tasted like shit

I really falafel about it

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

My neighbors have been cooking Crystal until an explosion destroyed their kitchen.

The really methed it up.

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

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What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

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