Cook Jokes - 113 Hilarious Cook Jokes

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in th...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.

So she explains, slowly and patiently:

"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

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A man joins a ship's crew as a cook

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
...

I was going to cook alligator for dinner

But then I realized I only have a croc pot

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

I went to library for a cook book.

I asked the librarian,

"In which section can I find a cook book, please?"

She said,

"For you? Fiction."

How do angels cook meals in heaven?

They put them in the Microwave on High

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

How long do you cook your pasta in Hell?

Until it’s Al Dante!

I’m not proud of it. But I still like it.

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

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In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step 1: Use commas.

Who won the Asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai.

What do you call a bicurious line cook

... A sus chef

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

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Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie.

"Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."

"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live fucking miles away."

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food I'm preparing.

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

My cook quit after the main course...

... I guess he desserted.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
...

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

It's risky to cook barbeque and smoke weed

Because the steaks are high.

My Wife's cooking is so bad

If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen

The Roaches would hang themselves!

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I decided to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it's fucking done.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

Starting a small group for cooks who speedily make stereotypical cold baked flans.

The Quick Cliché Quiche Clique Competition. Coming soon.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

A kleptomaniac signed up for a cooking class,

He wanted to take a whisk.

Why are cooks funny?

They can crack yolks.

What's the difference between The Joker and Dane Cook?

The Joker steals money and kills people, and Dane Cook steals jokes and kills comedy.

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

How does a cat like its steak cooked?

Medium RAWR!

I started cooking spaghetti.

Just to pasta time.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Have you every heard the battle cry of a Klingon short order cook?

Perhaps today is a good day to fry!

How do you cook german composers?

Just let Hans simmer for about 2 hours.

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

Why is it customary for a woman to cook for her husband?

By law, you have to feed the prisoner.

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I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...

What the fuck is leftover beer?

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

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Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?

I was cooking a meal for our guests and I told my wife to go in and prepare the table.

So she walked in and told them all about my cooking.

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

I used to work as a cook in a Victorian orphanage.

It was grueling.

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A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

I cooked dinner last night.

It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .

It was meaty okra.

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

You are able to cook a grenade

But they should specify that it’s non-microwaveable.

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

Heron, cook and hunter.

So a hunter killed a heron and brought it to his cook to roast it. The cook got to work and it turned out so good that he couldn't handle himself and ate a leg piece. Now the hunter was sitting there waiting for his food and found a leg piece missing. He asked about the missing leg piece and the coo...

What did the pancake say to the French cook?

you're creping me out

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

I need some help with cooking....

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because

Schezwan of a kind.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

If you wait long enough to cook dinner...

Everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes!

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

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How did the Vagina want her eggs cooked?

Ovaries-y

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

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Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

Why was the cook arrested?

He was beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

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A man saw that his wife was watching a cooking show and commented: "Why are you watching a cooking show? You can't cook anyway!"

His wife replied: "Why do you watch porn then? You can't fuck anyway!"

P.S. Sorry if you've heard this before but my colleague just told me this joke.

What’s the worst place to cook popcorn?

A retired veterans house.

Did you guys hear about the italian cook ?

He pasta-way

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

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