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Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

How long do you cook your pasta in Hell?

Until it’s Al Dante!


I’m not proud of it. But I still like it.

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

My wife asked for some peace and quiet while cooking dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn't have enough money for.

That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Why is it customary for a woman to cook for her husband?

By law, you have to feed the prisoner.

I was going to cook an alligator for dinner...

But realised I only had a croc pot.

Who won the asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend

They're both cauldron

Why are cooks funny?

They can crack yolks.

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Did you hear Jamaica is making a spinoff of the British Bake Off about cooking spicy chicken?

It's called the Jamaican Jerk Off.

I have to admit, my wife's cooking has really improved.

That's the best slice of soup I've ever had.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

What's the difference between The Joker and Dane Cook?

The Joker steals money and kills people, and Dane Cook steals jokes and kills comedy.

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

What do you call an Italian cook who steals from his restaurant?

a penne pincher

My Wife's cooking is so bad

If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen



The Roaches would hang themselves!

I started cooking spaghetti.

Just to pasta time.

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

I used to work as a cook in a Victorian orphanage.

It was grueling.

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How do you cook with soy sauce?

I don't know, but I'm sure a Japanese chef could shoyu.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

It's risky to cook barbeque and smoke weed

Because the steaks are high.

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

Dinner

A man brings his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30pm.

His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.

Wife: "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, and I'm still in my pajamas! I'm too tired to cook as well! W...

What does the wicked witch of west say when cooking eggs and bacon?

FRY MY PRETTIES!

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Cannibal chief: What's your job?

Victim (already in cooking pot): I'm a news editor.

Cannibal chief: Good news, you'll soon be editor-in-chief.

Why do masochists cook with gas?

Because they’re pro-pain enthusiasts.

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

A young man gets hit by a bus and his mother holds a seance.

A young man gets hit by a bus and his distraught mother calls a mystic and they hold a seance.

The mystic tells the mother that it's very good she called so soon, because the spirits of the deceased only have a short time while they are awaiting their eternal destination to commune with the l...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.



She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

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What do you call an afterschool choir cooked in butter?

A Ghee Club.

How do you cook a dinosaur?

Medium rawr

What did the pancake say to the French cook?

you're creping me out

Newlyweds and their problems

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."


T...

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

A traditional Thanksgiving joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

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My girlfriend is one of the worst cooks in the world

Just last night the raccoons offered me money to chip in for a lock on my garbage bin!

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

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I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...


What the fuck is leftover beer?

I cooked dinner last night.

It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .

It was meaty okra.

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Came home last night to the wife watching master chef, I said to her why are you watching that you can’t cook

She replies back “well you watch porn”

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

Five secrets to Men’s happiness: 1. Find a woman who can make you laugh 2. Find a woman who can cook 3. Find a woman who really listens to you 4. Find a woman who is amazing in bed, and

5 Make sure these four women do not find out about each other

A lady gives her maid notice, so the maid decides to speak her mind 'You need to know, I am a better cook, cleaner, more attractive and better in bed than you' The lady is outraged and screams 'How dare you insinuate my husband says such things!'

'I didn't' says the maid 'The gardener does'

Giant Beast…

Two hunters were out in the woods and got lost. After a while they decided they were going to have to make camp for the night. While looking for a place to settle down the came across a giant green monster. After a struggle they manage to kill the beast.

A bit of time by and one of them says...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

What did the cook say after he finished putting smoked chicken and avocado into a soft flatbread?

"That's a wrap"

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

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How do cannibals cook pornstars?

They boil the fuck out of them

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Two cannibals are discussing life…

One asks the other who was recently married, “Hey, how’s the married life treating you?”. The other cannibal says, “Not too bad, but my wife doesn’t know how to cook!”. The other cannibal says, “I just got a new cookbook. I’ll loan it to you. Give it a try!”.

A few weeks pass, and the first...

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner...

Everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes!

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

My French friend taught me his family's secret recipe for cooking duck in its own fat

I'm his confidant

What do you call a zombie that cooks stir-frys ?

Dead Man Wok-ing ...

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

I dropped my sirloin on the ground during a cooking contest.

Not a worry, the steaks were low

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

I need some help with cooking....

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit

He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons?"\\

"Sure am."

"Are the other guys her...

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

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Three men are discussing whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

What do you call a group of witches learning how to cook?

An easy-bake coven.

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

Blind guy walks into a restaurant.

Restaurant waiter and owner ,Paul goes to him politely and asks him what he'd like to eat. The blind guy tells Paul to give him a plate of the previous person that ate there , he'll smell the plate and tell Paul if he wants the meal. So Paul goes into the kitchen and asks his wife Mary (who happens ...

I Was Cooking Breakfast and My Wife Came To The Kitchen...

She asked "Whatcha makin'?"

I responded "Not Jamaican, eggs".

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

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