There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

Wives are obligated to cook for their husbands.





According to the Geneva Convention, prisoners have a right to hot food!

I like to cook with wine

Some times I even add it to the food

A guy is cooking up some corn on the cob and he's not too sure how long it cooks for

So he plays it by ear.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

What do you call a lawyer who likes to cook?

A Sous-Chef

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

When does a sandwich cook?

When it’s Bacon lettuce and tomato.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

No matter where I eat, or what I order, they always cook me a sirloin.

I said to the apologetic waiter, "It's OK, everyone makes me steaks"

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

Tim Cook joked about Trump getting his name wrong. Trump claimed it was fake news. Shows a lot about their character...

But that's comparing apples and oranges

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

I was teaching my son to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?"

"Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled.

From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

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What did the frustrated cook say when he ran out of spice for a recipe?

"I don't have thyme for this shit"

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

How do cannibals cook feet?

In a toester oven.

The cooks didnt see it coming

My egg order has left the chefs scrambling

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

Who's a great YouTuber, but a terrible cook?

Bo Burnham.

What’s the term for an Asian person who gets up and cooks mid sleep?

Sleep-wokking

I once read a cook book about fancy soup and sauce thickeners...

...but it all turned out to be elaborate roux's.

A husband says to his wife, “If you learned how to cook, we could dismiss the maid, don’t you think?”

She replies, “Sure! And if you learned how to make love, we could dismiss the driver, don’t you think?”

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

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My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

My wife cooks dinner for me. She treats me like a god....

....Everything is either burnt offerings or a bloody sacrifice.

Florida man cooks and eats dog.

Public outraged over cultural appropriation.

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey...

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... one minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in th...

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What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

Why did Tim Cook go to the opthalmologist?

Because he had an iProblem

What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?

A Pan Duhhhh!!

Why men are the best cooks

Because with 2 eggs, a sausage, and a little bit of milk they can fill a girl’s tummy for 9 months

What do the inhabitants of Endor use to cook their stir frys?

An Ewok

How do you cook divine spaghetti?

Al Dante.

What did a chef cook to his angry wife?

Spaghetti Apolognese

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

What do you call a Native American cook?

A Sioux chef

A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."

Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"

"Awful" He replies.

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

How did the vegetarian redditor cook her meat?

She didn't, because she likes it r/aww.

Can't cook

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, ...

A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

How do you cook duck eggs?

You quack them open.

How did the mayor of Chicago learn to cook noodles?

With the Ramen Manual

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What's for dinner when a cannibal cooks up an autistic person?

Ass-burgers

Holiday

Just walked past the Butchers Shop window, sign says Turkey £29. That's a bargain! £150 more at Thomas Cook. (UK only joke)

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A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

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A little 6 year-old boy won't talk.

His Mother takes him to the doctor, who says,"He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother takes him to a Child Psychologist, who says, "He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother is cooking his breakfast and she accidentally burns his toast. Scrapin...

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

Why can't paraplegics cook Chinese food?

Because they can't "wok."

Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.

I wanted to cook Haggis for the first time...

But I didn't have the guts to try it.

If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because

Schezwan of a kind.

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I decided to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it's fucking done.

I want to create a cook book that can raise the dead

I'll call it the Necronomnomicon

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
...

Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A sous chef

(OC) What did the sick Egyptian cook say?

"I falafel."

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...

Tim Cook was just named as the new CEO of Ford, and I for one am really excited!

Now everyone will have the chance to buy a Ford-Apple car

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How many cooks does it take to change a light bulb?

Fuck-it. 86 light bulbs!

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

I've started learning to cook . . .

I thought I could make use of all the thyme on my hands.

Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"?

Even art majors deserve recognition

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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

Shrek isn't a very good cook

He's pretty mediogre

Why are Chinese Bears the best cooks?

The Pan Duh.

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My wife said "How can you cook eggs, you don't have them?"

I responded, "Well how do you cook breasts?"

Tim Cook could be a way better president than Trump.

But really, comparing apples to oranges just seems so unfair.

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"...

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

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What is Hitler's favorite thing to cook with?

WHITE FLOUR!

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot...

They’re both cauldron.

What is the best day to cook?

Friday

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

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