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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

I was getting trained as a cook in a chinese restaurant

Well, it was really more of a wok through

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

How does a Hungarian cook dinner?

First, he chops an onion finely. Then, he chops some garlic as well, or perhaps use a garlic press. This is then fried in a pan with about a tablespoon of oil for about 30 seconds, after which a few tablespoons of paprika is added. Add some salt, maybe some pepper, and then he decides what dish to m...

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

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What do you call two Jamaican cooks having a battle?

A jerk off.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

Harry Potter cant find the difference between his cooking pot from his best friend,

They're both cauldron

My wife's cooking is fit for a King

Here King! Here King!

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

My wife is such a bad cook

We pray after we eat.

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When my girlfriend checks on me when I'm cooking..

...she'll get really horny every time i'll make eggs. Turns out she's just pansexual.

I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

I love cooking meat for tiny men...

...make gnome a steak.

I never cook with ginger these days...

I prefer soul food.

Cooking is easy

But it's not easier than not cooking

What's the best way to cook frog legs?

In a croak pot.

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quite while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

[From my 8-year-old] What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

...This is the way.

After a long hard day my wife asked to cook her an Hawaiian pizza!

She wasn’t to happy to see i’d burnt her dinner, after all I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature!

What do the Hungarians cook for Halloween?

Ghoulash

I hate being cooked alive.

It makes my blood boil.

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)

Maid: I need a raise

Owner: you already have got a raise

Maid: that was 18 months ago

Owner: why do you then deserve this raise?

Maid: I am better than you in many things

Owner: ok tell me

Maid...

Why did the cook get hired?

Because he brought a lot to the table.

So I cooked my friend a medium-rare steak for his birthday,

He said “I like it well done”

And I said “Thanks!”

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupi...

I'm not a fan of Thomas Cook.

They're just not Going Places.

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

My mouth waters when I smell steak being cooked on the grill.

I wonder if the same happens to vegans when they're mowing the lawn?

What does a Jewish chef make when he's cooking Italian food?

Manna-cotti

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

What do you call a Native American who cooks?

A Sioux Chef

I cooked Pancakes this morning.

The children were very upset. Turns out that Pancakes was their favorite rabbit.

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

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The Wife was watching a cookery show I said"What you watching that for you can't cook?"

She said "so? You watch porn"

Three wives

Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.

The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemai...

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

What do Gerry McCann and Thomas Cook have in common?

Both will take you on holiday, but they won't bring you home

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

Rock music and Cooking

Did you know the rock band Aerosmith wrote a Chinese cookbook?


It's called Wok This Way

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Once the sex robots learn cooking...

women will be 'screwed'.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

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So some jerks cooked and ate an Ewok.

It was a little Chewy.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

I once tried to teach cooking at a homeless shelter,

But it was difficult to get the attention of the entire state of California.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

The first French fries weren't actually cooked in France...

They were cooked in Greece.

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

Wives are obligated to cook for their husbands.





According to the Geneva Convention, prisoners have a right to hot food!

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "...

What do you call a cooked pig that was beautiful?

Baecon

I just read my first cooking book!

It's about thyme.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

What do you call someone who really likes cooking?

A pothead.

I cooked and ate a rugby team

Tasted scrummy!

A guy is cooking up some corn on the cob and he's not too sure how long it cooks for

So he plays it by ear.

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A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service......

...The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.”
“OK,” replies the woman.
“Do you like to clean?” he asks.
“I love cleaning,” she replies.
“Great. Do you like to cook for other people?”
“I love to cook,” she says.
“Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you...

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

I like to cook with wine

Some times I even add it to the food

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

How do you cook a monkey?

You gorilla it

What do you call a lawyer who likes to cook?

A Sous-Chef

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

Eating her cooking is like playing Russian roulette.

I never know which meal is going to kill
me.

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

I dont like long jokes

They are dumb, and they take too long to read. Why would i spend my day reading a joke you cooked up in 2 minutes, Writing 5 paragraphs to have one punchline. imagine making a long joke about clocks the size of a essay, that would be very time consuming!

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning lif...

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