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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

I was going to cook alligator for dinner

But then I realized I only have a croc pot

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

How do you cook a fortune teller?

Medium.

When are cooks at their meanest?

When they mercilessly beat the eggs and whip the cream!

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

What did the English priest say when he had a funeral for an Italian cook?

He pasta way.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak cooked?

Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

What's a panda's favorite cooking utensil?

A pan.. duh??

Heron, cook and hunter.

So a hunter killed a heron and brought it to his cook to roast it. The cook got to work and it turned out so good that he couldn't handle himself and ate a leg piece. Now the hunter was sitting there waiting for his food and found a leg piece missing. He asked about the missing leg piece and the coo...

Did you guys hear about the italian cook ?

He pasta-way

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

I asked my mom to allow me to cook.

She said "Sure. The flour is all yours."

Bye.

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A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show!

Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world!

But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.

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The maid asked for a raise

[Long]

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : "...

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

Why do wives cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law, all prisoners need to be fed.

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

One day I'll have to cook for myself to save money.

I'm telling my mother that I'll have to get better at cooking to save money when I move away. My 13 y.o. sister interrupts by saying, "Your water bill from flushing so much will make up for that."

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

A man asks his friend how to cook a gourmet meal as his family was coming over.

His American friend asks him to get three rams (A , B, C) and then put a gourd on each of the rams head in the kitchen and then see what happens .

He puts a gourd on ram A and nothing happens.

He puts a gourd on ram B and nothing happens.

As he puts the gourd on the third ram...

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A sue chef.

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

Why are women legally obliged to cook for their husbands?

Because by the Geneva convention, all prisoners need to be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Pros and cons of cooking food

Pros: food

Cons: cooking

You are able to cook a grenade

But they should specify that it’s non-microwaveable.

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

What’s the worst place to cook popcorn?

A retired veterans house.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

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The build up is what makes it

So a priest walks down from the church into the market.

he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.

he had never seen fish like these.

so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"

boy replies "sons of bitches"

priest says" you shou...

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

Half of us is going to come out of this quarantine an amazing cook

Which will be beneficial in the funerals of the other half!

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

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If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief

Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...


Right???

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

Today I found out my wife can cook...

She gave me a banana and it tasted like fish. I dident know she had it in her.

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

What do you get when you cross a waiter and a line cook?

A cold meal that tastes like loogies

My husband can’t cook- he always under-seasons the food.

I’m a little salty about that.

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

I cooked for my girlfriend's parents for the first time

I cooked for my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I handed out the rarely cooked steak her father said, "I like it well done."



I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

What kind of car cooks?

A chefrolet

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God said man should not be alone.

God told Adam, it is not good for you to be alone, I will make you a woman! She will do all the work, hunting , fishing cooking and cleaning, she will never say no to sex and will do all your bidding, you will have it made. What do you think said God? Adam replied “what will this cost me”? God repli...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

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You have to get better at cooking or I’m gonna call the food police.

For a salt and buttery

A man was driving his car when he saw a three-legged chicken dart across the road at an incredible speed...

Intrigued, he slammed his brakes and watched the chicken run to a farm so fast he couldn't believe it.

The man quickly turned into the farm's driveway and drove to the farmhouse. Upon reaching it the farmer emerged and asked, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Did you see a three-legged ...

Why was the cook arrested?

He was beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

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A man saw that his wife was watching a cooking show and commented: "Why are you watching a cooking show? You can't cook anyway!"

His wife replied: "Why do you watch porn then? You can't fuck anyway!"

P.S. Sorry if you've heard this before but my colleague just told me this joke.

Zeus entered the cooking contest

I heard he cooked up a storm

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"

The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"

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The Five Secrets To Happiness…

The Five Secrets to Happiness

Number one: Find a woman who can make you laugh.

Number two: Find a woman who can cook.

Number three: Find a woman who actually listens to you.

Number four: Find a woman who’s good in bed.

And number five, the most important secret:...

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

A group of moles are hibernating in a burrow for the winter...

One day one mole pops his head out and sniffs around.

“It must be spring because I smell maple syrup in the air. The farmer’s wife always cooks pancakes in the springtime” says the mole as he leaves the burrow.

A second mole sticks his head out and smells the air.

“By George, h...

I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.

It is a starch reminder.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

My wife doesn't realize I'm not complimenting her cooking

When I say "you remind me of Gordon Ramsay"

What does the cook on a pirate ship say?

Sizzle me timbers!

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Why can't you cook wood in a pan?

Its a non stick pan

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

My grandfather was in the Hungarian army and killed 54 men single handedly

He was a cook

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

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What do you call a man cooking stir-fry in a Japanese technology company?

Sony wok man.

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

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