The 89+ Best Serve Jokes

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.

“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

A time traveler walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

"Why the hell not?" he asks.

"We don't serve *any* time travelers here," the bartender explains, "not since one got stinking drunk and trashed the place four years ago."

"Four years ago, you say..."

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

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Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

Why is Pho always served in a bowl?

Because anything less would be a Pho cup.

Bartender says "we don't serve particles moving faster than the speed of light"

A tachyon walks into a war

What kind of coffee do they serve in a cat café?

affoGato

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

A velociraptor struts into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, "Hold up! We don't serve your kind here."

The velociraptor looks at him and asks, "What about humans?" The bartender, puzzled, replies, "Well, yes, we serve humans." The velociraptor grins, "Perfect! I'll have one of those, medium-rare, please"

What dessert do swingers serve at their parties?

Pineapple upside down cake.

What kind of cheese did OceanGate serve on its sub?

The Brie

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What do you call a prostitute who serves every profession?

A jack off all trades.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

I went into a restaurant that said they'd serve breakfast any time...

so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

Why does Ernie never get served ice cream?

Cause he always answers 'Sure, Bert'

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Got a seat on a flight on one of those real budget airlines earlier, the deal was first come, first serve for seats. I turned up super early and was just nodding off in my seat when a guy tapped me on the shoulder......

Him: Excuse me mate, this is my seat.

Me: No mate, first come first serve.

Him: Yeah, but this is 100% my seat.

Me: Look on the ticket pal, it says first come first serve, end of.

Him: Alright then, you fly the fucking thing.

Can't serve drink to the drunk...

A man, clearly the worse for drink, staggers into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman says to him "I'm afraid I can't serve you, as you are obviously drunk. Would you like me to call you a taxi?"

Mumbling something or other along the lines of "no", the man clumsily makes his way back o...

What do cannibals serve at a cookout?

Franks.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

Even in the metric system you serve tea in tea cups, and not in

tea liters.

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"

Then he beats him to death.

A cruel and spiteful restauranteur whose restaurants only served Pepsi products, died suddenly, and was shocked to find himself in heaven

As he approached the pearly gates, St Peter cheerily asked, “Would hell be OK instead?”

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

I just wrote a song about a sausage that I like to serve with mashed potatoes.

It's a banger.

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

I am opening a bar that only serves milk stouts

I am calling it Brew Dairymore

Because of a spelling error, beer will no longer be served in Hell.

When they redid the sign over the gates they made it say "Abandon all hops, ye who enter here."

Why did the captain serve pineapple on his ship?

He heard it makes your seamen sweeter.

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.

As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into t...

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

Did you know that Mrs Doubtfire served time in prison for…

Male fraud.

How do you serve drugs and your country at the same time?

Join the CIA

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown that serves, sweetbreads, pate’ haggis and scrapple?

It’s offal.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

Syngman Rhee was a South Korean politician who served as the first president of South Korea from 1948 to 1960.

Apologies if you're sick of Rhee posts.

A man is scentenced to serve in prison

While walking around the yard, he notice a group of inmates laughing.

As he gets closer he hear one of them say '17' and immidietly the rest starts to laugh. Then another inmate shouts '48' as the others laugh even harder. After the third guy shouts '22' everyone laugh so hard some of them ar...

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

What kind of pasta is served at Forrest Gumps restaurant?

Penn-ay!

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer 'Sorry' said the bartender 'I'm afraid I can't serve you'. 'Why not?' Asked the snake

'Because you can't hold your drink' replied the bartender

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve?

a djinn and tonic

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

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Why do Americans serve their beer cold?

So you can tell it from piss.

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti

So I put in a re-straining order.

One of Santa's reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner

Back then he was known as Private Dancer

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

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A lawyer serves the porn industry

He only works pro-boner.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Log...

A bacteria walked into a bar and was told by the bartender, "We don't serve bacteria here."

The bacteria said, "But I work here -- I'm staph."

credit: Princeton Review 2021 GMAT Prep Book

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

What drinks are served in courthouses?

Subpoena Coladas

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.

The Bartender shouts 'Get out we don't serve your type in here'

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