The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

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What dessert do they serve in porn videos?

Hiscream

If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years...

he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence

Scissors and knives serve similar functions...

But I learned the hard way scissoring someone gets you a very different reaction from knifing them.

We never serve women at the bar!

You'll have to bring your own.

Why do they only serve Smirnoff in a Jedi bar?

Only a Sith deals in Absolut.

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A piece of string walks into a racist bar and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender says ‘bugger off, we don’t serve your kind here!’

So the piece of string walks into the bathroom, ruffles up his hair and twists himself around a little.
He walks back to the bar and the bartender asks ‘weren’t you here a minute ago?’

The String replies, ‘no sir. I’m a frayed Knot’

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

What food do you serve an Italian and a French man?

Baguetti

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that only serves Indian food?

Turns out the chef is a naan-conformist!

A restaurant owner wouldn't serve Mel Brooks, Whoopi Goldberg, or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I never expected to see such EGOT-ism in this day and age.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

What do they serve for breakfast in Grammer class?

Synonym toast.

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 ...

what do you serve a bee for dinner?

hum burgers

What kind of food do they serve at a Mexican carnival?

Carney asadas

Bartender: “Hey! We don’t serve time travellers here!”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

Time traveller: "What?? Since when?"

Bartender: "About 3 years ago!!!"

Time traveller: "Ok, I'll come back then!"

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

A bartender refused to serve a drunk man at a bar last night

He told him to be on his way because of all the trouble he was causing.
"Fine," the man said, "I'll go now."
As he tried to leave the bar, he kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this kept happening until he later spoke with his girlfriend.
The man tells her, "I was so drunk that...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers?

PhoCurry.

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

me: do you serve walk-ins?

Morgue receptionist: What?

Why did Obama serve two terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence

What did the exasperated man serve at his barbecue?

Sheesh kebabs

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Why do Americans serve their beer cold?

So you can tell it from piss.

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A man calls his local Chick-fil-A and asks: "Do you serve gays?" The employee responds "No sir..."

"We serve chicken."

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender:

"Hey, do you serve food here?"

Bartender replies: "Nope."

The ham sandwich leaves.

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

What do you call a pizza place that doesn't serve pizza?

Closed.

If I serve you breakfast in bed, all I want is a simple thank you.

None of this "who the hell are you!" or "how the hell did you get in my house!"

I work in a restaurant that only serves cannibals.

I'm head chef.

A blonde walks into a store and asks, may I buy that tv, the store salesman say, sorry, we don't serve blondes.

she comes the next day with her hair dyed black, and

asks the same guy, can I buy this tv. the salesman says, sorry, we don't serve

blondes. frustrated, the next day she dyes her hair red and to make sure, she asks a

different salesman, can I buy this tv. he says, sorry, we d...

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What do they serve at the sex restaurant after dinner?

Condom-mints

Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police for throwing ice at a guy during a bar fight in 1985

Just ice served

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A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

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In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.

Because they like it inbread.

What do martial artists serve at a party?

All kinds of punch!

We fight in darkness to serve the light, who are we?

Electricians

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

A blonde walks into an appliance store.

She asks the clerk " Hi, how much is that pink Television?" the clerk replies "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes". She screams discrimination but eventually accepts defeat and walks out.She dyes her hair black, wears sunglasses and goes back the next day, "What's the price for that pink Television...

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Guy walks into an exotic bar looking for something to eat.

He studies the fancy menu for a moment, then decides on the 'Half Roast Donkey'.

Having never tried this before, and being quite a large gentleman, he slams his fist on the bar and shouts, "Full Roast Donkey, NOW!"

"No", says the barman, "I can't serve an ass whole."

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