A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

We don’t serve time travelers here.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

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Justice is best served cold

Because if it was served hot it would be Justwater

A man came into the butcher shop yesterday and asked if we serve soft Italian sausage…

‘N do ya?

Yeah that’s the one.

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

I should open a bar that serves only shots and sipping whiskies, and is called...

Drinking, Fast and Slow

What can you serve but not eat?

A tennis ball.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve?

a djinn and tonic

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

Why do mechanics hate people who serve in the military?

because no one ever thanks them for their service.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

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A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

I got served by a one armed waiter the other day

You have to hand it to him

I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Log...

What do you call chicken nugget's served in a pub?

Bar-tenders

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

Which state serves the smallest drinks?

Mini soda

What do you call a strip club that serves spaghetti and meatballs?

Titaly

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

What do you call a dog who serves icecream?

Scoopy-Doo

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wan...

From my 5 year old: An eyeball walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, “I can’t serve you! Where’s your mouth?”

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food?

Because that would be a McSteak.

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

A young man was sent to serve at the navy

He sees a drawing of a naked woman on the wall and a hole drilled in the necessary spot. He sees a line of sailors infront of the wall, he goes to the captain and asks:


"Captain, can I try?"


The captain responds with: "Ofcourse, go ahead"


The new sailor goes to the l...

A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says "wow I've never served a weasel before, what will it be?"

"pop" goes the weasel

What do you call a tasty Mexican demon dog served in a restaurant?

A chalupacabra.

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

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Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

A bacteria walked into a bar and was told by the bartender, "We don't serve bacteria here."

The bacteria said, "But I work here -- I'm staph."



credit: Princeton Review 2021 GMAT Prep Book

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

So a rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind. "

The rope leaves, parts it's head and ties up his chest before entering the bar.

The rope enters again.

The bartender asks "aren't you the same rope? "

The rope says "well I'm a frayed knot. "

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

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So Electra walks into a bar...

...the bartender walks over to serve her, stubs his toe, and yells, “Motherfucker!”

She says back, “Oh no sir, you’ve tragically mistaken me for someone else.”

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

A posh guy walks into a restaurant and demands the waiter to serve him a chicken from Suffolk

The waiter says "Very well! Take a seat, sir! I shall check with the chef and see what we have to offer."

So the waiter goes to the kitchen and after asking for a chicken from Suffolk the chef looks at him with a strange face. He hands him a random cooked chicken and tells him to bring that ...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

After a night of drinking a man decides to go for a nightcap

After drinking he was pretty hammered but was close to home and decided he could go for one more round.

He walks into the bar and asks for a drink, but was obviously hammered and the bartender told him, "I'm sorry sir you appear drunk and I will not serve you."

So the man walks ...

Two Caucasian Russians walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says “sorry, but we don’t serve white Russians here”

The Russians respond “oh that’s alright, we’ll get 2 Bloody Mary’s instead”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti

So I put in a re-straining order.

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

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What do Palestinian bartenders serve at jewish weddings?

Mazel-tov cocktails.

“I like how on cop cars “To Protect and Serve” is in quotes, like they’re being sarcastic."

Neal Brennan

A pirate captain with a peg leg walks into a bar.

On his crotch, he's got a ship's helm fastened to him.

The old pirate settles into the bar.

The bartender serves him a drink and finally asks the obvious, "what is the purpose of the helm on your crotch?"

The pirate answers: "Arrrr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

God and The Devil walk into the bar. God walks up to the bar and shoots the bartender 3 times. Looks at the devil and says “ I don’t think he’s going to serve you”

The devil sighs and looks at god “holy bartender, very funny”

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An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.

They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.

After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks, in a thick French accent, "allo, ca va?"

The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"

"--Ah, oui, not a problem. ...

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years...

he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned ...

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?

First Come First Serve.

Did you hear the joke about the empty bar that served Sangria?

There was no punch line.

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