The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

I'm going to open a massage parlor and serve only Men

I'm going to be a massage-ynist

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?

Cheerios!

The bartender said “Sorry. We don’t serve time travelers.”

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

A rope walks into a bar and then the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind” So the rope walks out and unties him self, he walks back into the bar and then the bartender says “Hey aren’t you the guy from before?” The rope then said,

The rope then says
“No I’m a frayed knot”

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Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

Barkeep: We never serve time travelers, get out.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!"

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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What do you mean you don't serve milk here?

What kind of a titty bar is this?!?

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Mrs. Swindon declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthda...

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says, "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says, "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light."

Scissors and knives serve similar functions...

But I learned the hard way scissoring someone gets you a very different reaction from knifing them.

I recently visited a restaurant that only serves internal organs.

It was offal

If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years...

he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

What do you call a type of orange that served in the military?

a navel officer

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

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What dessert do they serve in porn videos?

Hiscream

My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France

One day I asked him “ Did you ever kill anybody?”.

He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said “probably, I was the cook”

A man, new to town, walks into a bar and asks for three pints of Guinness, served all at once.

The bartender mentions that he might better enjoy them one at a time, so they don’t get warm, but the man tells him this story:

“You see, I’m an identical triplet, and I just moved here from my hometown. My brothers and I all agreed that every Tuesday night, we would go to the bar and order t...

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What do you call Connor McGregor's new weak ass whiskey being served to old men in Dublin?

Sucker punch

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

How did the necrophiliac like his food served?

The same way he liked his women...room temperature.

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called...

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender says "I'm sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you."

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

"I'm sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please l...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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A bear walks into a bar, and sees that there isn’t a single spot at the bar available

He walks up to a seat, eats the woman sitting there in a single bite, and sits down.

He orders a drink and the bartender shakes his head, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears on drugs.”

“I’m not on drugs,” the bear replies.

“Well, that was just a bar bitch you ate!”

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Why do they only serve Smirnoff in a Jedi bar?

Only a Sith deals in Absolut.

B flat, E flat, and G flat walk into a bar. The bartender stopped them and said,

"We don't serve minors"

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

A hamburger walks into a bar

The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu: You get what you deserve.

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

I used to believe that my stencil drawings served a purpose, but now I know they're meaningless

I'm an ex-stencilist

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

and says, "I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey, please." The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you, because I think you're intoxicated." The guy says, "I just want one, man. And then I'm going straight home." So the bartender says, "All right, you can have one" and gives the guy his shot.

...

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

A nihilist, a socialist and a Marxist walks in to a bar and order drinks

"We don't serve alcohol to anyone under 18" says the bartender

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

A friend Served me no food but only cold water when I went to visit his house on his invitation.

so, it made me angry and I wanted to take revenge on this.

so, I invited him to my house and he came.

I served him nothing but ice in front of him.

surely, " Just ice has been served"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that only serves Indian food?

Turns out the chef is a naan-conformist!

What do they serve for breakfast in Grammer class?

Synonym toast.

What kind of coffee served by a sad barista?

A depresso.

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

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