UPJOKE
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...and the bartender said: “we don't serve hypothetical faster-than-light particles here!”

A tachyon walks into a bar...

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

I just wrote a song about a sausage that I like to serve with mashed potatoes.

It's a banger.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown that serves, sweetbreads, pate’ haggis and scrapple?

It’s offal.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

Syngman Rhee was a South Korean politician who served as the first president of South Korea from 1948 to 1960.

Apologies if you're sick of Rhee posts.

Why did the captain serve pineapple on his ship?

He heard it makes your seamen sweeter.

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

why is justice beat served cold?

If it was served warm it would be just water

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes'...

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “WOW I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?”

“POP” goes the weasel

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time"

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

How do you serve drugs and your country at the same time?

Join the CIA

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

The sandwich tells the bartender, "Hey, I'll take a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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Got a seat on a flight on one of those real budget airlines earlier, the deal was first come, first serve for seats. I turned up super early and was just nodding off in my seat when a guy tapped me on the shoulder......

Him: Excuse me mate, this is my seat.

Me: No mate, first come first serve.

Him: Yeah, but this is 100% my seat.

Me: Look on the ticket pal, it says first come first serve, end of.

Him: Alright then, you fly the fucking thing.

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

A tramp walks into a bar

and the barman says “no thank you, we don’t serve your type in here”
The tramp replies “it’s ok, I don’t want a drink, I just want a toothpick.”
Confused, the barman gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves without causing any trouble.
The barman goes back about his business and tried to...

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

A topologist walks into a donut shop.

He grabs a mug and a donut at the counter, then goes to fill the mug at the self serve station. At the self serve station he pours coffee on his donut then bites his mug.

A brain walked into a bar

When it asked for a drink, the bartender said "We can't serve you - you must be outta your head!"

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, I would like a sasparilla" The bartender looks at him and says "we dont serve your kind around here, take a hike" So the string walks out of the bar hanging his head. After he's out he looks into a water trough and sees his reflection. He gets so mad he...

A man is scentenced to serve in prison

While walking around the yard, he notice a group of inmates laughing.

As he gets closer he hear one of them say '17' and immidietly the rest starts to laugh. Then another inmate shouts '48' as the others laugh even harder. After the third guy shouts '22' everyone laugh so hard some of them ar...

π mathematicians walk into a bar and order beers.



The bartender says "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're clearly irrational."

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

What do you call a masseur who only serves men?

A massagynist.

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

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I went to Wendy’s and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

I went to the doctor to get a physical so I could enroll in gymnastics.

They said they wouldn’t serve me because I had “outstanding balance”. Just one look at me and they knew I was ready, no checkup needed!

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer 'Sorry' said the bartender 'I'm afraid I can't serve you'. 'Why not?' Asked the snake

'Because you can't hold your drink' replied the bartender

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

One of Santa's reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner

Back then he was known as Private Dancer

A rope walks in to a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve ropes here."

The rope walks into the bathroom, ties himself up, messes up his hair, and walks back to the bar to try again.

The bartender says "hey aren't you that rope from earlier?"

The rope says "Sorry, I'm afraid not."

What can you serve but not eat?

A tennis ball.

a man was driving his Tesla when

an old truck forced him to stop

after greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their cars

"are you out of your mind, who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck ?"

"you don't und...

A piece of string was walking down the street…

It was hot and he saw a bar. He walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, I do not serve string in here. The piece of string left dejected.

The next day the same piece of string on the same street with the same sort of hot sunny day was st...

A local pizza chain just folded

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

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A lawyer serves the porn industry

He only works pro-boner.

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender...

>!“We don’t serve your type.”!<

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

What drinks are served in courthouses?

Subpoena Coladas

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve?

a djinn and tonic

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

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'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

Why do mechanics hate people who serve in the military?

because no one ever thanks them for their service.

A famous pub in Dublin...

There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse. One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served ...

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

The Queens Pallbearers

Breaking news: the queen’s dying wish was to have Princes Charles, Andrew, Harry, William along with Meghan and Kate serve as her official pallbearers.

So they could let her down one last time…

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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I walked into a fish & chip shop

And ordered fish and chips. The guy served me and I said "that fish isn't cooked properly"!

He said "what makes you say that'?

I said" well..... It looks like its eaten half of my fucking chips"

I should open a bar that serves only shots and sipping whiskies, and is called...

Drinking, Fast and Slow

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

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