UPJOKE
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They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

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It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

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Two drunk guys are standing atop a tall building

While opening another beer, one guy says "It's crazy how windy it is up here!"
The other answers in slurred speach "Yeah, it's because of all the tall buildings here in the city center. This building is actually a special spot. There are such strong crosswinds here that you can actually jump of...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

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An 18 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment building.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a swe...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

Why don’t you hire a zombie to build roads?

They only make DEAD ends!

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

Son: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"

Dad: "Pretty damn high."

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, anoth...

When does it become socially acceptable for adults to build little hideouts out of pillows again?

When they’re in their forties

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

How does a penguin build a house?

**Igloos it together.**

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A fella goes to a building site to see if there are any jobs going.

"Maybe," says the foreman. "Can you make tea?"

"Sure," says the fella, "I can make tea like a pro."

"Okay," says the foreman, "can you drive a forklift?"

"Fuck me!" says the fella, "how big is the teapot?!"

What do you call a dog that works on top of buildings?

A ruffer

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment building?

Ten ants.

What did the suicidal man say before jumping off the roof of the building?

Well, time to hit the road!

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

Two idiots are building a house

They just finished the framing and are starting to nail siding on to the house. While one holds the siding,the other drives the nails into it.

The guy holding the siding watches as his buddy with the hammer picks up a nail out if the box, hammers it in, picks up another nail out if the box, ...

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

"Hey, did you see that flat bullet walking out of the building?"

"Oh, yeah. Him. He got fired."

What do you use to build a fire in the ocean?

Fish sticks.

What bird can build a tower?

A crane.

I was trying to build new deck stairs…

But unfortunately I lacked the dexterity.

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So this blonde sees a building on fire.

She pulls out her phone and calls 911. Below is a transcript of the phone call.

Blonde: OMG! There is a building on fire.

Dispatch: What is the address?

Blonde: I don’t know.

Dispatch: okay…how do we get there?

Blonde: Duh, red truck.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

Who build King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

Apparently they couldn’t prove the construction company used poor quality materials when building the bridge that fell down.

They had no concrete evidence.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing a building...

A very heavy-set man is seen going in.

A while later two very skinny men exit.

The physicist says "To within experimental error, the conservation of mass has been demonstrated."

The biologist says "reproduction by mitosis must have taken place."

The mathematician scratche...

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Two construction workers are working in a building.

One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor.

That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said, "Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"

Tim ...

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night

set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use?

A crib.

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A bar on the Empire State Building..

So as some people know, there's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds th...

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The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

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The Homophobics in my apartment building have been boycotting the elevators.

They found out elevators go both ways.

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

What do you call it when a Pharaoh asks you for money to build a monument?

A pyramid scheme.

I slipped off a building, but luckily a passing group of schoolchildren broke my fall.

I survived, with only minor injuries.

What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?

One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....

he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not exactly,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside.”

Why can't you run inside the office building?

Because it's nsfw.

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I’m building a sex dungeon

No one asked me to, but people always say if you build it they will cum.

How do you build a muli-million dollar company?

Sell it to Elon for $44 billion.

Frankestain enters into a body building competition...

and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

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A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

How did the skeleton try to build muscle?

By doing dead lifts.

Why should you not build an outdoor strip club?

In the winter time, you’ll get your lips stuck on the pole

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

Why does it take so long to build a blonde snowman?

\- You have to hollow out the head

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Why do the buildings that shelter horses never run into any problems ?

Because they’re stable

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

Why don’t they build nervous systems on robots?

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

What’s the difference between the Capitol building and a clown car?

A clown car is smaller and has wheels.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

A muslim enters a building...

With 500 passengers and a plane.

How many Mexicans does it take to build a...

Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

God: Noah, it’s time to build another boat.

Noah: Oh, so soon! But hey, you are the boss. So the same, animals, two by two?

God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish.

God (again): Also, build it with more than one deck.

Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it b...

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

Need to build an Ark?

I Noah guy…

Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings can't jump.

Can I buy the building?

The reason why the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

...

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

Two guys are in a burning building

"Let's jump out of the window" says the first one.

"What floor are we on?" Answers the other.

"Thirteenth."

"What? Thirteenth? There is no way I jump from here!"

"Come on, now, it's no time to be superstitious."

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

Passed by a building made entirely of keilbasa.

Never sausage a place before.

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A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking?

Don't look down.

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

A bunch of Russian labourers are building a fence

and one of them goes to the foreman and says "Foreman, I have a problem. I just opened this packet of nails and all the heads are on the wrong end."

"Idiot!" yells the foreman. "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back

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A construction company builds a 5 stories apartment building but with no bathroom

A reporter asks the contractor:

"Why didn't you build any bathroom in the building?"

The contractor replies:
"The first floor is a kindergarten, they go potty so no need for a bathroom"

"The second floor is for high ranking officials, they've got people to wipe their ass fo...

I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

What do you call a snake that builds?

A boa-constructor (9 year old made this up)

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Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?

Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.

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Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

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