Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

What do you call a snake that builds houses?

A boa constructer



Don’t bully me I know it’s bad

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Why would you never ask a texan to build you a house?

Because their Cowboy Builders.

I told my sister I could build a car out of spaghetti

She didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Mexicans does it take to build a

holy shit they’re already done.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

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You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Why didn’t Cain build a house for his father?

He was not Abel

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

An architect wasn't sure what to build the walls of a house out of.

He was stucco

I can build suspense!

Get this

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

Why do the British build cars, but not computers?

They can't figure out how to get computers to leak oil.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's gonna build the wall out of...

Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently

Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway?

Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts.

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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

Why do people never do themselves what they want others to do? BUILD BRIDGES NOT WALLS!!!

No u.

If we did build a wall, it definitely would work

China built a wall, do you see any Mexicans there?

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

If Game of Thrones teaches us anything it is that Mexico should build the wall.

Whingers are coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man builds a lie detector that slaps people who lie.

When his son gets home, he asks him, "Where were you?" To which his son replies, "At school."

The machine slaps him.

The father repeats his question, and his son admits, "I was at my friend's house."

"What were you doing?" asks the father.

"Doing homework," replied the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It can take years to build a great relationship but only seconds to destroy it with the wrong words.

e.g. "Sarah, I'm gay"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Physicians were discussing who to build Trump’s Mexican Wall

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.  Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconce...

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one screw to fill it.

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

I build a new high end tower and made sure to include windows.

It would be a waste if you couldnt enjoy the view from up there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

I don’t know why people won’t let trump build the wall.

Because there is a wall in China and there is no Mexicans there.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

What did Stalin use to build his haunted house?

Ghoul-logs

You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can build a thousand bridges and not be a bridge builder.

But you suck one cock and your a cocksucker for life.

( I’m new here if this has been said before or recently sorry)

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

What did the mouse build his house with?

Cottage cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

If you ever want to build a home for the poor

A foundation is a solid place to start

How long does it take a Mexican to build a...

Oh wait, he's already done!

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

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