UPJOKE
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Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

I asked an electrician to fix the electricity in my house...

He Re-fused.

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

How did Dio fix the pope's PC ?

He installed a holy driver

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

What should you do if you can’t afford to fix your A/C?

Start using only fans!

Thanks, I’ll see myself out!

How do mathematicians fix constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

“Mr. President, good news, we can fix the bridge.”

“And the bad news?”

“We need your long table for that.”

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

I told Dorian Gray that I’d fixed his painting while he was out…

The look on his face....

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed...

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

The electrician finished fixing my lights

I told him he really brightened my day.

What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

How many mathematicians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

I never thought PT could fix my posture

But I stand corrected

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste!

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

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So a man was playing golf...

So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, "hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I've forgotten what hole I am on, and you are on the hole in front of me, would you mind telling me what hole ...

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

I finally found the perfect way to fix procrastination

But I'll have to tell you later.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

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A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

If your husband tells you he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

What do you call it when Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon band together to fix a computer?

The Greek Squad

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

A monkey wrench

The Farmer's Mirror

An old farmer was in at the market and saw a very nicely framed mirror. Having never seen such a thing in his life, he was completely enamored with it and had to purchase it.
After he had, he felt foolish for spending such a large sum for it and hid it in the hay loft. Everyday he would sneak ou...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Amir.

Amir who?

Amir to fix your broken doorbell...

why can't you put a Subaru in reverse?

Because then U R A Bus!

(Reposted to fix typo where I misspelled Subaru)

What is the only thing that if you fix you make it worse?

Elections

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances

Well, she’s in for a shock

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

A woman was admitted to the hospital.....

for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, "Am I going to die today? " Reaper said, "No. You'll live for another 30 years. "

The lady thought, "If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair trans...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

It’s Ancient Greece and a playwright goes to a tailor to have his clothes fixed.

The tailor looks at the clothes and says “ah, Euripides”

The man looks at the tailor and says “yes. Eumenides?”

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.

As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist f...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you notice that someone broke your Jack O' Lantern you've got outside?" he comments to the bartender. "Dang it. I spent a lot of time on that and now it's just trash," the bartender complains. "Oh, it's not that bad. I bet you can fix it," the guy says....

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

How do skeletons fix their drinks?

By sternum.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

furniture humor

Why didn't they fix the rococo Chair?

Because it wasn't baroque

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

I need to decide what type of glass to use to fix my broken front door window...

...I could see myself replacing it with a mirror.

The wedding party is standing at the altar waiting for bride and groom....NSFW

The groom arrives and is adjusting his belt while smiling hugely. Groomsman asks him what he's smiling about.

Groom replies "I just got the most amazing head-job from a beautiful woman and will be waking up to that every day for the rest of my life!"

Bride arrives, fixing her lip-stick...

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

“As one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That's all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I'm not buying the car.”

Can we fix the American Dream?

No. The warranty expired after one generation.

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I put my hand out for a taxi driver.

Cheap bastard could at least fix his indicators.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

The outhouse

Maw asked paw one day to fix the outhouse.
So paw went out and though he didn’t see anything wrong with it, figured he’d put a fresh coat of paint on it.

A day later,
Maw: “Paw, I really do wish you’d fix the outhouse…”

Paw took a look again but didn’t see anything wrong with it...

What do you call hearing damage you can't fix?

Ear-reversible

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the...

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

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I went to the doctor, for a personal problem

I walk into the office and say “Every time it rains I get a raging hard on. A few drops of water hit my head and I can’t help it!”

The doctor says “That’s easy to fix. Stop jerking off in the shower.”

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

A young couple walks into the doctors office.

The wife start complaining to the doc: "look, we have been married for three weeks but he hasn't even tried to touch me downthere". The doc says "well we'll fix that, please strip down and lay overthere" the doc turns to the man and tells him to watch closely.
While the man watches, the doc give...

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

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