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Fix Jokes

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock.

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he'll fix it

There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it

They say ductedtape and WD40 can fix just about any problem

Well last week when I was constipated the WD40 was great, but the ductape only made matters worse

I asked an electrician to fix the electricity in my house...

He Re-fused.

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

A monkey wrench

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed...

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

I finally fixed my time machine!

April Fool's! It's still broken.

How do mathematicians fix constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

I was under the impression my wife could fix socks.

After multiple requests, however, she exclaimed, "I CAN'T DARN IT!"

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"


After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"


After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody.

The electrician finished fixing my lights

I told him he really brightened my day.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

“Mr. President, good news, we can fix the bridge.”

“And the bad news?”

“We need your long table for that.”

I can't afford to fix my leaky roof. So I'm inviting some kids with chicken pox over.

Hopefully my house will get Shingles.

I never thought PT could fix my posture

But I stand corrected

How many mathematicians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

A chiropractor said he could fix my paraplegia. I told him it was impossible.

I stand corrected.

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

How do skeletons fix their drinks?

By sternum.

Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

There was a posts I found last night where people shared Chuck Norris jokes and I wanted to share a (hopefully) original one.

Can we fix the American Dream?

No. The warranty expired after one generation.

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

How many republicans does it take to fix a problem?

No one knows. It's never happened.

What does a Tyrannosaurus fix?

Nothing. A Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

Bob: can we fix it!

His wife: no we cant bob, sign the divorce papers

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

What do you call hearing damage you can't fix?

Ear-reversible

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

How do you fix a bad memory?

I don't remember.

What is the only thing that if you fix you make it worse?

Elections

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

It’s Ancient Greece and a playwright goes to a tailor to have his clothes fixed.

The tailor looks at the clothes and says “ah, Euripides”

The man looks at the tailor and says “yes. Eumenides?”

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead children does it take to fix a lightbulb?

I don’t know but it must be more than twenty because my basement’s still dark.

How do you fix a bottle of vodka?

Turn it Smirnoff and on again.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

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How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb?

Someone please tell me, I have 23 in my basement and the light is still broken.

What do you call it when Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon band together to fix a computer?

The Greek Squad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

How do you fix a broken clock?

You Tic it to the Toctor.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

How many cops does it take to fix a light bulb?

2. One to suffocate the light bulb and the other to shoot the room for being black

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

Bob the Builder: Can we fix it?

Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert...

What do you call an Egyptian doctor who fixes back problems?

A Cairo-practor!

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

How do you fix a fur suit?

With gluwu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

How does a Redditor fix a broken fence?

They repost it

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)

The cake jumps out of the girl.

Why should you call a handyman to build your fence, but a redditor to fix it?

The handy man is good at putting in posts, but nobody reposts like a redditor.

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

The handyman asked when he should come fix the hinges

I said anytime. The door's always open.

What does the mechanic say after he's fixed your car's horn?

Beep repaired.

How many schizophrenia patients do you need to fix a lightbulb?

Just one, his friend will hold the ladder.

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something.

If I said I’m going to fix it, I’ll fix it.
There’s no need to remind me about it every three months.

Why did Santa hire Toto to fix his sleigh?

They blessed the reins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

I need to decide what type of glass to use to fix my broken front door window...

...I could see myself replacing it with a mirror.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

How did my parents fix their marriage?

They didn’t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn't the manure farmer fix his fence?

Because he had a shitpost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

Ma & Pa and the outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with it."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around,...

Who do dogs call to fix the shingles on their dog house?

Woofers

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