Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job ...

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

How do you fix a broken Sousaphone??

With a Tuba glue

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

how many cops does it take to fix a lightbulb?

none, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

Why do you need a lot of people to fix a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

The news about Android banning Huawei is sad. But I know Huawei can fix this.

If there’s a will, there’s Huawei.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

A dude calls a repairman to fix his doorbell.

3 hours later the dude calls the repairman

Dude - Hey man where are you?
Repairman - I've been ringing your god damn doorbell for 2 hours straight and you didn't answer!

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

Look ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is somewhat like learning to fix a car

Some people learn it with their dad in the garage.

Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

If a man says he will fix it... HE WILL!!!

You don't need to remind him every six months.

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

I asked someone from Reddit if he could come fix my fence

but he just re-posted it.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

How many sopranos does it take to fix a light bulb?

One. She holds the light bulb, then the world revolves around her!

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

He went online to this sub and had everything reposted in no time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

[OC] What do you call sisters who can fix things?

Maintain-nuns.

My girlfriend asked me to fix a plug today...

I refused

How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

Patient: Doc, I'd give my left nut to fix my knee

Doc: So you are asking for a ball joint?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

How’d you fix a jack a lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch!

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...

Many Hans make light work.

I asked Satan to fix my shoe the other day.

But he took my sole in return.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

I thought having a wheelchair would fix all my problems

I stand corrected

My wife told me I was crazy for trying to fix our car using spaghetti.

The look on her face when I drove pasta.

How can you fix a short circuit?

Lengthen it

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

From my 7 year old son: Why did the duck have to fix his bill?

Because it had a quack in it.

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench!

How many Saiyans does it take to fix a lightbulb?

One...but it takes 3 episodes.

*find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!*

How do you fix a doll with a broken face?

Plastic surgery.

If your parachute doesn't deploy,

you have the rest of your life to fix it.

You can fix a computer by turning it off and on again.

Too bad that doesn’t work with people.

I was called in to fix someone’s computer

I took a look round the back and I said “Oh, the self-awareness switch is on.”

The man said “That’s funny, it was off last time I checked.”

Me: Hi, I’m trying to fix my crippling fear of rejection, can I have your number?

Girl(s): absolutely not

Me: ah, thankyou.

Did you hear the joke about the farmer who had to fix his fence?

It was a repost.

Yo momma so ugly

That when bob the builder saw her he said I can’t fix that

How many "suh dudes" does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, cuz it's already lit fam

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Malcolm Turnbull plans to fix NBN over the next 5 years

Starting on April Fools Day

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

A man tries to fix a socket with a fork...

What happens next will shock you!

I was so desperate to fix a problem...

That I looked on the second page of Google to find the answer.

A thread on how to fix something usually goes like this:

Redditor1: **Hey so I have a problem with** ***X*** **wat do**

Redditor2: **[removed]**

Redditor1: **It worked, thanks!**

A few months later, another Redditor has the same problem.

Redditor3: **Hey what did Redditor2 say up there it's removed**

Redditor4: **[remove...

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

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