I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

How many Jesuses does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None. He is the light.

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

A dude calls a repairman to fix his doorbell.

3 hours later the dude calls the repairman

Dude - Hey man where are you?
Repairman - I've been ringing your god damn doorbell for 2 hours straight and you didn't answer!

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

Look ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

I asked someone from Reddit if he could come fix my fence

but he just re-posted it.

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

How many sopranos does it take to fix a light bulb?

One. She holds the light bulb, then the world revolves around her!

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

My girlfriend asked me to fix a plug today...

I refused

Patient: Doc, I'd give my left nut to fix my knee

Doc: So you are asking for a ball joint?

[OC] What do you call sisters who can fix things?

Maintain-nuns.

I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

He went online to this sub and had everything reposted in no time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...

Many Hans make light work.

How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

What song did Drake make after going to the dentist to fix a cavity?

In My Fillings.

How can you fix a short circuit?

Lengthen it

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

I asked Satan to fix my shoe the other day.

But he took my sole in return.

How’d you fix a jack a lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch!

I thought having a wheelchair would fix all my problems

I stand corrected

My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working properly, so I tried to fix it.

Now it sucks even more.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...

My wife told me I was crazy for trying to fix our car using spaghetti.

The look on her face when I drove pasta.

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench!

From my 7 year old son: Why did the duck have to fix his bill?

Because it had a quack in it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Took my wife to therapy to fix her Tourette’s syndrome

Waste of money that was. Turns out I **am** a cunt and she **does** want me to fuck off..!

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

How many Saiyans does it take to fix a lightbulb?

One...but it takes 3 episodes.

*find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!*

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

How do you fix a doll with a broken face?

Plastic surgery.

What does a pharmacy sell to help you fix your fingernails?

Pharma-cuticles.

I was called in to fix someone’s computer

I took a look round the back and I said “Oh, the self-awareness switch is on.”

The man said “That’s funny, it was off last time I checked.”

Yo momma so ugly

That when bob the builder saw her he said I can’t fix that

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

You can fix a computer by turning it off and on again.

Too bad that doesn’t work with people.

If your parachute doesn't deploy,

you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Did you hear the joke about the farmer who had to fix his fence?

It was a repost.

How many "suh dudes" does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, cuz it's already lit fam

how do you fix a leaky faucet?

....don't pay your water bill.

Me: Hi, I’m trying to fix my crippling fear of rejection, can I have your number?

Girl(s): absolutely not

Me: ah, thankyou.

Malcolm Turnbull plans to fix NBN over the next 5 years

Starting on April Fools Day

A man tries to fix a socket with a fork...

What happens next will shock you!

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

Why was the child able to fix the light bulb?

Because mini hands make light work.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

I was so desperate to fix a problem...

That I looked on the second page of Google to find the answer.

I called Pennywise earlier and asked him to fix my computer.

He's one of the best workers in the IT department.

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

I fix ruined hospital rooms for a living.

It's a rewarding job.

What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

A thread on how to fix something usually goes like this:

Redditor1: **Hey so I have a problem with** ***X*** **wat do**

Redditor2: **[removed]**

Redditor1: **It worked, thanks!**

A few months later, another Redditor has the same problem.

Redditor3: **Hey what did Redditor2 say up there it's removed**

Redditor4: **[remove...

I was trying to fix a problem with my DNS

But I couldn't come to a resolution

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DAD'S FURNITURE FIX

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite...

Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid?

It's called a bullet.