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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

My doctor told me to start killing people

Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".

Whatever, same thing.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

When you start to Excel

People start to spreadsheet

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

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What starts with "F" and ends with "-uck"?

Fucktruck

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking:

\- Yesterday my girlfriend came to me and told me she is pregnant.

\- Really? What did you say?

\- Nothing. I cried.

\- Really? Why?

\- Because I know what it means to grow up without a father.

About to start selling glass coffins. Will they get popular?

Remains to be seen.

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

What starts with an M,

Ends with "arriage", and is a man's favourite thing?



Miscarriage.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

How do you start a disabled rave

Throw a flash bomb in a room full of kids with epilepsy

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

How does an Albanian recipe start?

"We steal two eggs.."

What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside?

A coconut.

I told my wife that I’ll start arranging the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, “Where would you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

A man sits down at a bar next to a pirate and starts asking him about his past injuries.

The first thing the man notices is the pirate’s peg leg. “How did you get that wooden leg,” he asks.

The pirate responds, “Oh, a cannonball took my leg off in a fight with a naval frigate.”

“Wow!” the man replies. “So how did you get that hook?” pointing to the pirate’s arm.

The...

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

How does someone who lost an arm starts an argument?

Well, on the one hand

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A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

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An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

Did you hear about the ecoterrorist who tried to start another ice age to combat climate change?

They charged him with crimes against humidity.

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So two men get drunk together and start beating each other up

After several hours, when every attempt has been made to split the two up, a bystander decides to just cut their arms off to stop all the punching. But then the drunks start kicking the shit out of each other. So the bystander cuts their legs off.
So there they lay, unarmed and defeated.

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

I’m gonna start selling christian cigarettes

I’ll call them “Holy Smokes”

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

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Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."

The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."

The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, we...

Teacher," Tell me a sentence that starts with an 'I'."

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

The rabbi arrived one minute before the start of the circumcision

That’s cutting it a little close

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

I had to start deliverin pizzas

Cause i knead the dough

After my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I decided to start thinking about names.

In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.

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Going to start naming my penis England

Because it can only achieve a semi

"Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with 'no me neither'?"

"No."


"Me neither."

Why did the Mexican start taking Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

I tried to start a hide and seek club in high school

But I couldn’t find the advisor

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As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 a...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Elon Musk needs to start a new company,

Elon Must.

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Two friends meet after a couple years, and they start talking about vacations.

The first one says: "3 years ago, I went to the Maldives for Christmas, and guess what, my wife got pregnant!"

"That's awesome!" Says the other guy.

"And two Christmases ago" continues the first guy "I went to Hawaii, and she got pregnant again!"

"Wow, I'm so, so happy for you"...

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

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A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Did you hear about he guy who was killed with a starting pistol?

The police think it may be race-related!

I’m clumsy, so my my job at the tripwire and claymore testing company had a rocky start

But i think i finally found my feet

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

How does a joke about Tiananmen start in China?

By looking over your shoulders

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start.

He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I ...

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

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My wife just said we were gonna start having sex anally!!

Damn autocorrect....



Annually!!

They are going to start taxing hitchhikers.

They are calling it a ThumbTax.

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

What do you have when your sister starts crying?

You have a crisis.

If bees start writing software

Beware

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Quick, before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

Thi...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I plan to lose 10 kg before summer starts.

Just 13kg to go

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A boy is at school, and they start the day by telling riddles

The boy says: it goes in, it goes out! The teacher becomes red and angry. Get out! The teacher said. So the boy goes onto the hallway. There he meets the principle, who asks him what he is doing there. I got send out of class, because I asked: it goes in, it goes out! The principal get angry, and sa...

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

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