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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I started dating a girl who loves soccer

She’s a keeper

An elderly woman was taken to court suspected of having killed the 4 husbands she'd had. There, the prosecutor starts the interrogation;

"How did your first husband die?" Asked the prosecutor.

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms" Answered the woman.

"And, how did your second husband die?".

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms".

The court gasps.

The prosecutor follows on "How did your th...

Nothing, in the English language, starts with n and ends with g

Nothing

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Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

What starts with E, ends with E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

Taco Bell gave me 15 hot sauce packets for just two tacos, inspiring me to start a Taco Bell hot sauce resale business.

They’re giving me free liquid assets

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A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad...

If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in

Why did the farmer start a rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin oats

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

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Before the bullshit starts

A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.

"Quickly! two more beer and vodka before the bullshit starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back...

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My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

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What do Jewish rioters use to start fires?

Mazel tov cocktails

How does a pirate start his prayers?

Arrrr Father..

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Snow White gets into a hot tub and starts feeling a little happy

Happy gets out and she starts feeling a little grumpy.

Grumpy gets out and Bill Cosby gets in and she starts feeling a little sleepy.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What happens when the God Of Thunder starts writing books?

He becomes an author.

What do you do when your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank

Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered “They’re building a strip club right across my house”

The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said

“chill out hoes they’re not hir...

I’ve started to invest in stocks.

Beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

How do Russian jokes start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Viruses mutate over time, take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic, and now it's become an IQ test.

A woman starts flirting with a software guy.

She says “Well aren’t you a cutie pie.”

He responds “No, I’m the IT guy.”

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

My dad told me he started listening to BTS.

I replied, "'K, Pop."

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

My wife asked if we could start recycling?

I said ”Of course!“


It seems like the only way to get karma on this sub.

I'm going to start a luxury panty company...

It'll be called Cucci

Start using "/s" today!

How else are you going to remind others about their inability to detect sarcasm? /s

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Been thinking about starting a program to rehabilitate felons through the power of writing

So I've been considering all the prose and cons.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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Three women were getting together for brunch and started bragging about their husbands.

"MY husband, " says the first " just took me on a vacation to France'" and she smiled while her friends congratulated her for her good fortune.

"Well my husband just bought me a new Lexus." says the second, receiving her accolades.

"Well. I don't know if it's a big deal or not," starts...

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton Diet...

And to my surprise, it works! It ACTUALLY made Joe lean!

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

I googled "how to start a wildfire"...

I got 48,500 matches.

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Did you guys hear Djokovic started an airline for the unvaccinated?

It's called Novaks Airlines.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

Nun gets up and starts walking down the cloisters. Another nun walks up to her and says "who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

Nun carries on walking and again another nun says the same thing. This happens 15 times as she is walking down the cloisters and she is becoming very angry. She gets to Mother superiors office and just before Mother Superior could say anything the nun shouts, "don't tell me I got out of the wrong si...

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Company

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

A farmer wanted to start growing mushrooms

But he didn't have any spores or enough space to grow them, so unfortunately he wasn't able to. He just didn't have mushroom.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

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An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

My friend came up to me and said, "Dude I'm starting a sweatshirts business. It's going to be huge".

I said "Alright make sure you have it in small and medium also."

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T"

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T".

Friend: what?

Me: correct.

I’ve been trying to start a hover car business

but I can’t get it off the ground.

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

One of my friend recently started working as a postman

I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?

He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.

What word starts with N, ends with R and is associated with a race?

NASCAR

I’m going to start a new business, do it yourself crematoriums.

I will call it Build a bier workshop.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"?

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

So my buddy told me that India was going to start making single rupees out of bread

I told him that sounds like naan cents

I'm going to start a religion with really big hats

that way God can't see what we're doing.

This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?!”

I said, “No, not particularly.”

A crazy guy comes to the doctor and he claps all the time, and when he stops, he starts again.

\- why are you clapping like a madman?

\- I scare the lions away

\- but there are no lions here

\- well, just because it works!

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.

The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.

In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.

Why did Maxwell starts making parachutes?

Because they are good to the last drop.

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

Is it okay to start drinking when the kids get to school

or does that make me a bad teacher?

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

It was going great with my girlfriend until she started putting her Sylvester Stallone dolls in the middle of the bed.

Things have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man t...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

What did the bartender say at the start of the party?

Let the fun be gin

What sound does a car make when a witch starts it?

Broom Broom

I’ve started naming people after shops

You could be NEXT

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

My wife dated a clown before we started going out.

I had some big shoes to fill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

I stopped going to the gym and started drinking instead.

I call it Bacardio.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

I started crying when dad started cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

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