What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot

Yo mama is so fat, her alphabet starts with O

OBCD

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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Morning sex is a great way to start the day!

Unless you are in prison

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

What starts with a P and ends in a C?

The sewage system

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

I did't start this Dojo to teach kids discipline.

I started this Dojo so people would pay me to fight their children.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Might start using conjunctions more confusingly...

Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

How does every black joke start?

With a white person looking over their shoulders

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. ...

Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

I told my wife the other night that I wanted her to start talking dirty more for me.

She looked up at me thoughtfully for a moment and then responded.

"Compost."

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

I’m going to start a new school system for children of anti-vax parents.

If anyone knows where I can hire some kindergarten teachers and a mortician that would be great.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

What feels fragile at first but starts to feel more durable the longer you have it?

Your phone

How many people does it take to start a K-Pop band?

Just one korean and a really good stylist

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?

They get hooked.

I tried to start the Church of Teflon

but I couldn't find any adherents.

Do you know why some vegans love to start fights with other people?

They need to get some beef in their lives somehow.

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke but you have to start it off

Them: ok, knock knock

Me: Who's there!

Them: *confused silence*

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Men start their lives coming out a vagina and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in

If you’re a C-section baby, you’re even further behind the curve

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Recently decided to start sleepwalking

So far so good, it's been a walk in the dark

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

How does the outcast 8th Dwarf, Sleazy, start his work day?

With a song, "Hi hoes, hi hoes! Off to work you go!

My doctor told me to start killing people

Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".

Whatever, same thing.

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

I’ve decided to start a new sea-horse diet.

I sea-horse and I eat it!

Oh neigh here we go again.

That’s two on the trot.

I start my new job as a street cleaner today.

There's no training, you just pick it up as you go along.

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

About to start selling glass coffins. Will they get popular?

Remains to be seen.

Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

How does every joke on r/jokes start?

With a ctrl+C

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

When you start to Excel

People start to spreadsheet

A man wakes from a coma and immediately starts shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

A doctor rushes to his side and says "That's because we amputated your arms."

I’d like to start dieting...

But I’ve got too much on my plate.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

Your Rabbi can start telling the truth tomorrow.

Today is the last day of July.

I want to quit my job and start a non-profit organization...

...but my wife insists that it doesn’t sound like a good business decision.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking:

\- Yesterday my girlfriend came to me and told me she is pregnant.

\- Really? What did you say?

\- Nothing. I cried.

\- Really? Why?

\- Because I know what it means to grow up without a father.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

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Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

What do you call a group of coma patients who suddenly wake and start singing?

Vegetable medley.

What starts with an M,

Ends with "arriage", and is a man's favourite thing?



Miscarriage.

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

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I was surprised when my son defended me after I told everyone I had to start taking Viagra...

The little guy actually stuck up for me.

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My therapist told me I should start a more fiber rich diet.

When I asked why they told me.

"It's to help keep your shit together"

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside?

A coconut.

Two men are walking outside together when it starts to rain.

One man says to the other, "Why don't you open your umbrella?"

He answers, " It won't help, it's full of holes."

" Then why did you bring it?"

"I didn't think it would rain!"

A guy is sitting at his desk at work when his phone starts ringing.

He answers:

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr Thomson, it's the builder. There's been a problem with your renovations."

"Oh dear, what's happened?" asks Mr Thomson

"Well, there's good news and bad news." says the builder, "The bad news is that your upstairs bathroom, and the second and t...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

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My wife and I argue about sex and when I start saying my side, she never let's me finish.

I guess it's payback.

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

Teacher," Tell me a sentence that starts with an 'I'."

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

I want to start an online donation website for my cocaine and hookers habit.

I'm going to call it GoBlowMe

How do you start a disabled rave

Throw a flash bomb in a room full of kids with epilepsy

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

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An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

A man sits down at a bar next to a pirate and starts asking him about his past injuries.

The first thing the man notices is the pirate’s peg leg. “How did you get that wooden leg,” he asks.

The pirate responds, “Oh, a cannonball took my leg off in a fight with a naval frigate.”

“Wow!” the man replies. “So how did you get that hook?” pointing to the pirate’s arm.

The...

When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

I told my wife that I’ll start arranging the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

She said, “Where would you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

How does an Albanian recipe start?

"We steal two eggs.."

Got home from work tired and fell into the couch. Ask my wife to bring me a beer, said hurry it's about to start

Hollered for a second beer, quick it's going to start any minute. Called for a third, it's just about to start, any second now. She storms in and starts yelling, all you do is lay on that couch and drink beer, you don't pay attention to me, you don't play with the kids, you don't do any chores aroun...

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So two men get drunk together and start beating each other up

After several hours, when every attempt has been made to split the two up, a bystander decides to just cut their arms off to stop all the punching. But then the drunks start kicking the shit out of each other. So the bystander cuts their legs off.
So there they lay, unarmed and defeated.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

I’m gonna start selling christian cigarettes

I’ll call them “Holy Smokes”

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

How does someone who lost an arm starts an argument?

Well, on the one hand

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

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