UPJOKE
begincommencekickoffinitiatebeginninggoget goingtake offinauguratestart upstartupset offintroductionmoveopening

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.

Let’s hear some car humor. I’ll start:

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine’s pricks are on the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage counselor: "How about we start with something you both have in common"

Husband: "Well neither of us suck dick"

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Wher...

I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go down stairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

Started dating a girl.

I thought she might be the one.

But after looking through her wardrobe,

and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit,

and a Police woman's uniform,

I finally decided: If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Why did zero start dating?

To find “the one”!

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do men know its time to start taking Viagra?

It's not hard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many black people does it take to start a riot....

-1

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

On Monday we start diarrhoea awareness

It runs until Friday

My wife said to me, "What starts with 'F' and ends in 'K'"?

I said, "No, it does'nt"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

I'm starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

\- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, ma...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

Why was the man unable to start a sporting goods store?

He didn’t have the balls

What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?

Pockets!

In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually….we drifted apart.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though

Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could ...

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"?

No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

I started dating a blind girl.

The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I started an emo salsa band

We're called Hispanic at the Disco

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an escort service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

How many musicians does it take to start a ska band?

At least 4. One to drop it, three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

My friend had recently lost it all and started giving blows behind Wendy’s.

He come to me so excited after a couple days and said he’d made $300.50.

Puzzled, I asked him “who gave you .50?”

He replied, “They all did!”

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party

Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men,...

I told my girlfriend I wanted to start seeing other people

It's really hard to close my eyes whenever someone else comes into view. Plus it makes driving really dangerous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

What starts with a f and ends with uck.

No, it definitely doesn't.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

How did we know that Communism was bad from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time s...

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

If 2 vegans start arguing...

Is it still beef?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

its about to start

a man comes home from work, sits down in front of the tv and says to his girlfriend "Get me a beer please, it's going to start soon.

the girlfriend silently complies.

the man drinks the beer and says "Quick, get me another, its about to start"

the girlfriend very annoyed gets hi...

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

We should start calling new jokes as modern jokes

Like modern art if no one is getting it then it is a hit.

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

I’ve started investing in stocks

Beef, chicken, and vegetable… one day I hope to be a bouillionaire

A man is having issues getting his van to start

So he googles mechanics in his area.

He stumbles upon this one called Vincent's Van Repair.

"Hmm, I've never heard of this one but they do on the spot repairs so it's probably my best bet"

He calls them the next morning and the mechanic comes to his house around 11am.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.