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Preparation Jokes

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

Preparation

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he ...

I've just been let go from my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery.

It's due to all the cut backs.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

Why Jesus doesn't come back

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man's back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.


"Oh, yes," said the alien. "We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world e...

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals.

So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am"...

Going to the Soviet Union

The Finnish President was planning a visit to a border town in the USSR. The local Kommissar, hoping to impress the Finns, decided to visit a local school. In preparation, he had all the children learn new songs, march in formation, wear their best uniforms, etc. Propaganda at its finest.

The...

A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.

When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.

-Let me have a look, the angel says.

After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:

-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

My sushi preparation class had a kleptomanniac as a substitute teacher

She took roll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

What's the Italian version of Preparation-H?

Innuend-O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man who dreamt he was packing his parachute in preparation for a jump?

His wife had to be rushed to the hospital with half of the bedsheets stuffed up her ass.

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

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