A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.

:)

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case they have to draw blood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener!

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

​

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

​

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drin...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child

But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of edu...

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down.

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hung Chow calls work...

And says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go...

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

Why do cows never work in restaurants?

They hate getting tipped

I have a Polish friend who works as a sound technician

And a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too

400 IQ work joke

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy, 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

Three hillbillies are at work...

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work with lipstick on his shirt.

His wife demands he tell her how exactly he managed to get lipstick on his shirt because it certainly wasn't hers.

He says 'It's pretty simple really, I wiped my dick on it'.

I used to work in a candle factory...

...
Until i blew it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

Regardless of all her great work, why has Cher never been considered for the Nobel Peace prize?

No one wants another Cher-Nobel.

So I used to work in a keyboard factory

I got fired because I always lost CTRL and because of that I went HOME and lost a lot of SHIFTS. I guess F8 didn't want me to work there.

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.

Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
ex...

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone at work deliberately switched the buttons around on the elevator!

It’s wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

A woman comes home from work...

A woman comes home early from work and finds her husband screwing a goat.

The husband says, “I’m so sorry honey, this is the pig I fool around with when you’re not around.”

The wife responds, “That’s not a pig, that’s a goat!”

The husband replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare...

Now, thanks to Reddit, we know this is not true.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss told me to work hard yesterday.

So this morning I took a viagra and have been working hard for almost four hours.

What do you call a security guard that’s works at a Samsung store?

A guardian of the galaxy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the local bar after a long day of work.

The man asks for a beer from the bartender and gets served his beer. While nursing the beer a drunk man stumbles up to him and says,

“Your mother gave me the best blowjob of my life last night.”

The man shrugs him off and goes back to nursing his beer, but the drunk is persistent an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

What do you call someone who admires Thanos's work?

A Fan-os

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

My wife called me seductively and asked me if I can be naked when she gets home from work.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my father-in-law like a moron.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Do you think Dante meant for his work to be taken literally?

Or do you think he meant it as an Alighieri?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy works at the pickle factory

After work, at the pub he says to his buddy: Hey you know I keep having this urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer at work.
His buddy is like "you are crazy", "don't do it", "you will regret it".
One day after work, he sees his friends and says, I finally did it.. I put my penis in the p...

What do you call someone who works for U-Haul and doesn't appreciate poetry?

An unmoved mover.

A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.

She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."

"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"

"Well, I *had* to call an ambulance!"

Why shouldn't you work for an Egyptian company?

They're all pyramid schemes

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work...

So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?

I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it to work here."

\-"But I never went to college."

\-"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

A man walks into the house tired from a long day of work, and is suddenly confronted by his wife, who is complaining about the blisters left on her hands from the broom.

The man looks at her and says "couldn't you have just taken the car?"

Where do pigs go to work?

To the bakery because they be bakin'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

What did the plumber say when his repeated attempts to solder a pipe didn't work?

Weird flux but ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you work at a sex shop...

...would you still call sexual memes NSFW?

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

A woman walks past a new pet store on her way to work.

As she passes, a parrot behind the glass squawks at her and says, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”

A little taken aback, the woman huffs to herself and continues on.

On her way home from work she passes the same pet store and the same parrot squawks, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”
Shocked and ins...

My boss arrived to work in a brand new lambo..

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that’s an amazing car! He replied: “if you work hard enough, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one by next month!”

A woman comes home from work, and her doting husband asks her how work was...

"Are you being sarcastic?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

I got fired from a job where besides me only blind people work

They asked me why they should make me and not any other employee the manager.
I said that I could clearly see what was required for the job.

My wife left me yesterday, saying our relationship felt too much like work

I just wish she had given me two weeks of notice

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

​

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

​

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

​

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

​

The woman replies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to...

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at work my co workers made fun of me when I explained to them I'm constipated and that's why I was taking pills

I really couldn't give a shit.

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

After you die, what part of your body continues to work?

Your pupils. They dilate.

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

What do you call a Chinese man who is always late for work?

Long Lie In

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pornstar came home after a long day at work and said,

“Today’s been a real pain in my ass.”

Communism doesn't work for me.

It works for us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

A joke an old man told me at work

An Irish cruise ship is headed back from the Bahamas on its last night at sea. Right around dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.

“This is your captain speaking. There has been a mix up in our supply. While there are 1,000 passengers on board, we only have 750 meals for you all to...

I used to work at a start up mint

It was sort of confusing to me.
But now it makes all the cents in the world.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

A teacher was arrested for loligagging at work.

He was caught strangling young girls.

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife came home and said she had the best day at work ever. I started crying.

Moral of the story folks, don’t marry a porn star

Why can't pessimists work in drug testing?

They can't see any positives.

Microwave shows up sleepy at work...

Accidentally warms up food instead of the plate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why doesn’t Viagra work on chavs?

Because they aren’t hard without their mates.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.

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“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they...

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

I need to work on my indecisiveness

On second thought maybe I don’t need to