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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.

But, Plan e just might take off

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

I worked at the U.S.Mint because it was the only job close by

I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.

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I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

A true work question

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?

They like to beat the crowd

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

Working at a mirror factory

is something I could see myself doing.

a man takes a day off work to go golfing

He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron”

The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron”

To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball.

Hole in one.

The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

At work, I'm known as "Mr. Compromise."

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"

The kid replies "where are all the clowns that yo...

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want...

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Every time I get a stack of resumes for a job at the place I work at, I throw half of then away

I can't have unlucky people working in my business

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here."

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

The worst part about working at the unemployment office?

When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Made this joke up while working at Whole Foods a couple years back...

**What do you call a Whole Foods employee that shops at another grocery store?**

>!A "Traitor" Joe !<

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

The other day I told a joke about Christ at work and everybody laughed.

I nailed it.

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

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Robin: "Batman, the batmobile doesn't work. "

Batman: "Robin, did you check the battery?"
Robin: "Batman, what the fuck is a tery?"

You have to keep an eye out when you start working at a potato factory

You don't want to endsp ud like everyone else, with a chip on their shoulder

In all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I made several discoveries

Hey girl do you work at the DMV?

Because it feels like you're gonna make me wait forever for something that'll only take 5 minutes.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

One day I decided to slack off at work. I wasn't enjoying my job and was hoping I could work badly and get fired.

None of the other Chernobyl workers seemed to appreciate that.

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”


The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a...

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

I’ve been working at a charity, teaching college education to reformed Mexican gangsters.

It’s not going very well because for some reason they refuse to turn in their essays.

I was exhausted after work today. I delivered a roll of bubble wrap. The lady said just pop it in the corner.

It took me 7 hours.

I can't come into work today, I'm sick...

How sick?

Well....I'm in bed with my sister

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

I told my doctor I might have ADHD because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford. My doctor told me that’s not how ADHD works.

“But doctor, I keep losing my focus”

After years of hard work after college, I finally paid back my student loans.

I wish I can post this in a different sub.

My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini...

I said “ Wow, that’s an amazing car!”

He replied “ Well, If you work really hard, exceed all your targets and strive for excellence, I’ll get a Bugatti next year!”

What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf coffee.

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I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

Why should you always be sure to pay an exorcist for their work?

Because if you don't, they'll repossess the house.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What do you call a cheese maker that works very hard?

An overacheeser

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

What does a pirate do after a long days work?

What does a pirate do after a long days work?


He has some Arr and Arr!

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

When I’ve had a long day at work, I like to come home, get on my computer, and press F5.

It’s refreshing.

A man who works at the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland goes to his best friend's house.

The friend's wife opens the door and sees the look of grief on the man's face.

"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible accident and Liam died."

"Dear God, no!!! How?!"

"He fell in a vat of beer and drowned."

"Just tell me one thing: did he suffer?"

"I don't think so. H...

I told my wife that a girl at work really wanted to have a threesome and that I should see if my wife would be ok with it? After some persuading, and reassuring her that it would strengthen out relationship she said yes, so today we finally did it, and it was amazing!

I cant wait to tell her all about it when she gets home.

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

What do you call an can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

We found out the guy who plays rock music on his radio at work has ED

We call him Limp Bizkit

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says ...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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One African immigrant works as a street cleaner

He hates his job. People disrespect him. A friend of him, working as him, coming from the same village, tells him to quit. The guy refuses, says he has a family to take care and keeps cleaning.


His friend tells him to stop and to look at the shop. He sees some crocodile leather shoes sold...

Why did Bruce Lee's brother Earl make it to work before his shift began?

Because he's Earl Lee!

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

My girlfriend asked me why I work at the bakery if I don't enjoy it.

I told her it's because I knead the dough.

I stopped driving my car to work and all my friends congratulated me.

One week later I was fired for not coming to the office.

My dad got really angry when our AC stopped working.

This always happens when he loses his cool.

If i had a USD for every time that communism had worked

I'd get a Chinese Yuan.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

My brother and I are exactly alike and we are very competitive at work.

A task that takes me 3 month to complete, my brother, dozen weeks.

I'm working on my second million.

Gave up on the first.

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

I have a Russian friend who works as a sound technician.

And a Czech one. A Czech one too.

What do you call a Israeli Man that works in the Beer making industry?

Hebrew

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A panda sees a prostitute working the corner

He stops and asks for her to get in his car. She gets in his car and the prostitute lays down and the panda eats her out. After they're done the prostitute says "You have to pay me" The panda replies with " Look up the definition of a panda" and she does. She says "Panda, eats bushes and leaves"

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If you need big boobs to work at Hooters

Do you need one leg to work at IHop?

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Warren Buffett once said “If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.”

and that's why I got into prostitution

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Why do the cops pull over communists on their way to work?

Because they are Rushian

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

How do unicycles work?

By sheer power of wheel.

An Undertaker just came home from work

Undertaker: Honey, I'm home. You won't believe the guy I prepared for the funeral today, He's got 9 inches long and 2 inches in diameter of.....

Wife: NOOOoooo! Jeffrey's dead!

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

42% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

A guy at work cut his thumb off...

My boss was telling me the story and said:

"Yeah I just walked up and he was just sitting calmly outside the shop, I don't know what he was doing outside the shop..."

Me: "Well he sure as hell wasn't hitchhiking"

The IT department at my work is full of clowns.

Bloody dancing clowns.

In school, work determines your marks

In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

I work from home sometimes

When I'm working from home, I sometimes put a blanket over me.

You could say, I work undercover.

I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

What did the buffalo say to his boy before going to work?

Bison.

My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

Where do scuba divers go to relax after work?

Dive bars.

I dated a woman at work and got arrested.

Apparently cutting her in half to count the rings was my first mistake.

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

They say "a woman's work is never done"

Maybe that's why they get paid less

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