I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

Communism doesn't work for me.

It works for us.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

I need to work on my indecisiveness

On second thought maybe I don’t need to

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's amazing how seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid January and I'm freezing.

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

Where do one legged workers work?

Ihop

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

My username is not safe for work.

u/safeforwork was already taken.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

If we did build a wall, it definitely would work

China built a wall, do you see any Mexicans there?

My gardener doesn’t work

Instead of blowing the leaves, she blows my husband

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.

I was in tears.

I could never trust her again.

I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.

Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.

​

​

I said, "bad dog".

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I used to work as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is being sexually harassed at work

It all began when she started working from home.

Where do Microsoft employees go to work?

a Microsoft office.

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.

Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.

Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.

Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since h...

What does a necrophiliac do after a long days work

Goes home and cracks open a cold one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

Where does someone with one leg work

I hop

I broke my finger at work today

On the other hand I'm completely fine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex jokes don't work anymore

Stop shoving it inside every conversation

[LONG] A few lumberjacks were realxing around a campfire after a long days work...

They had cracked open a couple of beers and were telling stories of the biggest trees they've cleared, and how easily they fell after 9 or 10 swings of their axe.

The biggest, burliest man speaks up after a few men had spoken and says, "That's nothing. I can cut down trees twice the size of t...

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

What do chickens work on in the gym?...

...Their pecks.

A man leaves his bacon sandwich at home before going to work

He asks his wife to bring it to him. She didn’t, because it wasn’t her responsiBLT

A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.

Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!

Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on yo...

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift

she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway, crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for sex."

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

Why does the keyboard work 24 hrs a day?

Because it has 2 shifts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seat belt

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

A blonde goes into work

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't y...

A man and his wife were going on a vacation but the wife had to attend a conference at work so he decided to go before her and she would meet up with him him after.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to the widow of an elderly preacher who had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email,...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him...

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him.
“Dave!” She shouts in a panic, “There is an idiot driving the wrong way on the high way! Please be careful!”
The man laughs and his wife is bewildered
“What can be so funny about that?” She demands.
“Well I have no idea where you...

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

I screamed “hey Siri” to my iPhone not thinking it would work but to my surprise she heard me. I had nothing to say, however, and I felt bad because...

I know I would hate it if someone turned ME on accidentally and did nothing about it.

A blonde and a brunette work in an office together...

The brunette tells the blonde that she doesn't feel like being there today, so she jumps up and grabs the hanging ceiling light.

About that time their boss walks into the room and asks the brunette what the hell she is doing.

The brunette responds: "I'm a light bulb!"

The boss ...

Mary has a Master's degree in physical science. Each day, she asks, "Why does this work?"

Kevin has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering. Each day, he asks, "How does this work?"

Jack has a Master's degree in economics. Each day, he asks, "How much does this cost to manufacture?"

Joe has a Master's degree in chemistry. Each day, he asks, "Could this be hazardous to t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits

​

I'll leave now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

I had a friend who was bored out of his mind at work.

No ones really quite sure how the freak drill-press accident happened.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work

Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

After months of hard work and dedication, I finally have a body I am proud of!

It was worth the weight

How do you know a wishing well works?

If your mother-in-law falls down it.

My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

I used to work at an unemployment office...

which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I replaced an emergency stop button at work today.

It was a pressing issue.

A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.

She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.

Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this...

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

I saw someone driving a DeLorean to work today. If I had one I wouldn’t use it for running about like that...

I would just drive it from time to time.

What do lawyers wear to work?

Lawsuits.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I work at Amazon and suddenly realized why we sell so many diapers.

Because we sell so many sex toys.

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

I remember one time when by dad came home from work, absolutely beaming with happiness

I asked "Why are you do happy, Daddy?"

"Well kiddo, today at work Daddy's boss called him into his office, and invited him to go golfing with some of the other big boss men at the company. I shot the best game of my life, and after I got a hole in one on the last hole, my boss told me I was ...

What do you call Bob the Builder when he’s not at work?

Bob

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

2 men walk into a bar after a long, hard day at work

The first man asks the bartender, "May I have some H2O?"

The bartender gives the first man the drink and the first man chugs it down.

The second man, seeing what the first man did, asks the bartender, "May I have some H2O too?"

The bartender gives the second man the drink and th...

My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired.

He really screwed the pooch.

I vaccinated my brother a year ago, but it didn’t work...

Still doesn’t have autism.

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

Why was the protein powder maker never satisfied with his work?

He always kept looking for new wheys to improve

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work...

...and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”


The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it.

But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this ti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the 2-Horned Unicorn keep getting sent home from work?

Excessive Horniness is inappropriate in the workplace

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?

At the Russian Troll Farm.

My boss is very powerful. He makes me work overtime

`power = work / time`

​

Physics anyone?

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

A blonde goes to work in tears.

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

They say work takes longer when you're on your own

But I find it takes longer when you're on someone else.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is in a bar after work getting drunk when he throws up on himself.

He says to the bartender "*what am I going to do? My wife says if i came home drunk one more time she was kicking me out!"*

Bartender says, *"No worries, seen this before. Take $20 out of your wallet, put it in your jacket pocket. Tell your wife you were just having a couple of drinks, that's...

Why did the tiny robot need sodium nitrate in order to work?

It was a NaNObot.

A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .

. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

"What did you do that for?" he asks.

"Curfew violation," t...

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone at work put an airhorn in the bathroom

Scared the shit out of me!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy comes home from work ...

A guy comes home from work and sees his wife on the couch crying. He quickly asks her what’s wrong?

She says all her friends make fun of her because here boobs are so small.

The husband took a second to think and said I have an idea.

The wife said what is it? I’ll do anyt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,

"I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

My work friend went to Thailand

He picked up 2 girls and went back to his hotel room, he thought he’d won the lottery

He had 6 matching balls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese sewage worker finished work in Tokyo and met up with some friends in a bar.

They get to talking about work, and one of them asks the Japanese guy;
"It must be hard work doing what you do, I don't think I could stand the smell!"

He replies; "yeah it is pretty bad."

"What about the guys you work with, are they good people?" One of them asks.

He admits...

Are you familiar with Chomsky's work?

Yeah I Noam.

I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

What really motivates people to work out in southeast asia?

Eye of the Thai girl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Next time you call in sick for work tell them you have anal blindness, But if they ask what that is

Say :" I dont see my ass coming to work"

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man works at the Branston Pickle factory, and comes home at lunch time one day.

His wife asks, "why are you home so early?"

To which he replies, "I got fired. I got caught putting my willy in the pickle slicer."

The wife thinks this is absolutely obscene and horrible - so she immediately pulls his pants down and whips out his cock. It's fine. She sighs a sigh of r...

After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"