I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's amazing how seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid January and I'm freezing.

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

Why does the keyboard work 24 hrs a day?

Because it has 2 shifts.

Whats black and doesnt work?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch.

The woman's husband comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Ye...

My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seat belt

I used to work at an unemployment office...

which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Next time you call in sick for work tell them you have anal blindness, But if they ask what that is

Say :" I dont see my ass coming to work"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That's how mafia works

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day at work some friends were talking about the sex they had on their wedding night.

First friend said ‘oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.’

Second said ‘that’s nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted’

They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

What makes electronics work?

Smoke.
If you let the smoke out, the electronic component stops working.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

A blonde goes to work in tears.

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

The wall with Mexico won't work because it doesn't extend into the ocean.

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .

. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

"What did you do that for?" he asks.

"Curfew violation," t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are doing yard work

When the wife decides that she had enough and goes inside to take a shower. The man, still doing yard work, realizes that he can’t find the rake and gets her attention through the bathroom window.

He cups his hands around his mouth and yells “I NEED THE RAKE!” The wife shrugs her shoulders,...

A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid.

He said he could stop at any time though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

What do you call a bison that works out really hard?

A BUFFalo

I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

Did you blow it at work?

I hope the promotion was worth the dignity hit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called my boss at work and said I can't come in and that I'm taking a sick day. He said he wanted to know what the issue was.

I told him "I'm fucking my sister." My boss said "You're doing what? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I said" I told you I'm sick."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man works at the Branston Pickle factory, and comes home at lunch time one day.

His wife asks, "why are you home so early?"

To which he replies, "I got fired. I got caught putting my willy in the pickle slicer."

The wife thinks this is absolutely obscene and horrible - so she immediately pulls his pants down and whips out his cock. It's fine. She sighs a sigh of r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work. He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,

“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I ha...

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

I married a loving, lovely woman who works with bees.

She's a keeper.

I slept with a girl who works for Amazon Prime Video last night.

It was pretty mediocre and she constantly tried to make me pay for it.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener.

Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together.

Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job.


On Friday, he watches them all through the...

A man shows up late for work.

His boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8:30!"

He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life".

I went in drunk as fuck and they fired me on the spot

I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

I hired a prostitute to do my accounting work

She failed miserably, but it's the thot that counts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

How to make your Speedo work for you

Former competitive swimmer likes to wear his Speedo to the beach, but is always a little self-conscious about it. He wants to impress the ladies, so his buddy says: “That’s easy. I had the same issue. Just put a potato in it and the girls will be all over you!”. So, he takes his friend’s advice and ...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

I saw a telephone wire starting to fall on someones car the other day on my way home from work but I don't think they noticed

They would be in for a shock

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

A female janitor working at my office asked me if I wanted to chill after work and smoke some weed with her

I said no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;


Serves me right...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife have been recently wed, however the man's work calls for him to leave the country for six months.

Now, before this point, him and his wife have been having a pretty *intimate* relationship, as it were, and the wife wasn't too pleased about not seeing her husband for six months - mainly because she'd have nothing to satisfy herself with. She expressed her feelings to her husband and on the day be...

I work with a Muslim that keeps calling me an “American Pig”

He’s a piece of Shiite

What do you call it when a Christian works out?

Jehovah's Fitness

If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

My wife deals with a glass ceiling everyday at work

She fixes sunroofs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

I made a standing desk for myself at work and it made a huge difference

Now I look up at my computer, while I continue sitting comfortably

How does a priest work out?

He exorcises

I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

One day my wife told me I should work out more and get a six pack

I asked why do I need a six pack when I already have a gallon jug?

I have a theory that if something works optimally, it HAS to be inside a fish.

Everything that's outside a fish wouldn't work the way it should, because it's inafishn't.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I began work at the Post Office recently

I found the work very mundane, so to the pass the time I would open letters that came through, read the letters, and pass them on to the correct delivery driver. After a while I began to notice something odd. Some letters would come in, with the exact same envelope, exact same address and the lette...

My doctor told me he doesn't want to work anymore and we'll have to cancel my next visit.

I got disappointed.

A bunch of people got sick at the company where I work.

It was a staff infection.

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

A guy I know works at the watch factory,

I ask him "So what do you do?"

He says "I stand around all day making faces"

^^^^thanks ^^^^Mary ^^^^Poppins

I used to work at an orange juice factory...

But I couldn’t CONCENTRATE so I got CANNED

A woman comes home after a hard day of work . . .

and she decides she wants to pamper herself by having a milk bath. She calls a nearby grocery store and asks the manager if she can get 30 gallons of milk.

"For what?" he says

"I want to pamper myself by bathing in milk," she says.

"Pasteurized?" he asks.

"No, just up to ...

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

"Forget everything you learned in College"

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"That works out because I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the chemist say to her coworker who kept asking about her work with element 83?

"It's none of your bismuth."

I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

Sorry, the weather doesn’t work when the internets down

It’s all based in the cloud

Being in the door business is hard work...

I'm always getting slammed!

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anger Management: It Really Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dial...

While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...

Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I rear-ended a car going to work this morning.

I was fiddling with the radio and hit the car in front of me. Not hard, but it did a little damage. I was surprised to see the driver's door of the car I hit open, and out stepped a little person marching towards me with a very pissed off expression on his face. As I got out of my car, he says, "I'm...

How does Frosty the Snowman get to work?

By icicle.

This was told on the radio... I hate it.

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"

He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Why is Christmas like a day at work?

You do all the work and someone in a suit takes all the credit.

Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown. They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues. The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.

Johnny says "Cool. At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

Stalin should have known communism doesn't work

There were red flags everywhere.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

Trump's border wall idea will actually work! The Chinese have had their wall for over 2000 years...

There are still no Mexicans in China!

I finally learned how coin minting machines work

It all makes cents now.

Getting a drink after work

2 airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia airport. One says to the other let's go get some drinks. The other agrees, but says "Let's try drinking jet fuel." "I hear tastes just like whiskey and there's no nasty hangover." The other agrees and they drink about quart a piece. Afterwards they go h...

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the worst thing about getting caught masturbating at work?

Having to explain to the janitor why you’re in the supply closet with a belt wrapped around your neck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

What does a hen wear to work.

A hen tie

I wrote this, does it need work?

Next door's parrot was so good at doing impressions, it even *tasted* like chicken.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the group of people working at google who ended up not only getting a sex change but came into work tardy?

They were _google translate_

*dabs*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work,do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with stoney silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.

They say that a woman’s work is never done.

That’s probably why they get paid less.

Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.

I mean,how low can you go?

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.