My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

Why do riot police get to work early?

To *beat the crowd*.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

When I was young, they always told me, "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life".

I didn't realize until now that it was a warning.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

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My friend said his laxatives worked really well.

He was lying. He was full of shit.

After years of getting yelled at and doing his work, i finally stood up to my bully...

He fired me.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Anyone in need of any jousting work?

I'm going freelance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.

Some asshole must have my pen.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

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Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

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A nights work...

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to p...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

Came home from work and my wife is crying.

What is it, honey?

She said I knew you'd be tired, so I baked you you're favorite, a cherry pie. But the dog ate it.

That's okay, dear. I'll buy you a new dog.

What do you call a hooker that works for 25¢?

A quarter pounder!

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

what do you call a escalator that doesn’t work?

stairs

What do you call a Bee that works for the government?

A Pollentician.

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A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave.

The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?"

The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds.

Growing more disturb...

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

What do you call your reddit friend Ted who works at the deli?

-deleted-

What did sideshow Bob work as after he got fired from being a clown?

A bartender

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to do the work?

Kick them out of Congress.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

What's the worst part about working at a gynecology clinic?

Customer Cervix

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

I might work at a mirror factory

I could see myself working at one.

A lady came into work today.

And she purchased an energy drink and a pie.

I said “so just the drink and the mince and cheese pie?”

She said “no, actually it’s a steak and cheese pie.”

And to that I said “oh sorry, my misSteak and cheese”

My mis STEAK... and cheese.

I’m telling everyone

Why was Ms. Piggy late for work?

She had a frog in her throat.

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

Why was Luke skywalker late to work?

He had to take an R2Detour.

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

I left my job. I just couldn't work for that man after what he said to me..

He said "You're fired".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.

One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week....

Why do you want to work at this bakery?

I knead the dough

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle

Chances are, you'll hear some cross words

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

You know the worst thing about working on a farm?

Milking the cows is udderly exhausting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHop

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

They call me 007 at work

0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?"

apparently it wears thin after a while

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

I went to the liquor store and the guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’ll get whiskey instead.”

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

In my line of work, I manage to upset people on both sides of the aisle.

So yeah, I might not be the best wedding planner.

when you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils,

They Dilate.

A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.

Worried, she calls her husband and says: ‘be careful on the road, there’s a car driving the wrong way where you are’

The husband replies, ‘I know...

But there’s not just one car, there’s hundreds of them!’


Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn’t find it from searching...

Any out-of-work wilderness guides out there with cringeworthy jokes? As a river guide, I always liked:

“This is the only place you can find these particular rocks in the whole world!” and “Look, you can see a planet, right now!”

Got a job working in a can crushing factory;

I hate it, it's soda pressing.

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

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A man that works in a pickle factory walked into his local pub after work wearing a hospital wristband. "Did you have an accident at work today?" the barkeep asked. "Yes, I put my penis in the pickle slicer," the man replied...

"Her husband caught us"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the fl...

Me: Can I leave work early today?

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Me: Fine. It’s 75 past 13 O clock.

Boss:...You’re fired.

A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.

As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked

In recent weeks, interest in reading long works of fiction has gone way down

Due to the novel coronavirus

My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator saying "This isn't working, goodbye"

But she was wrong. I opened the fridge and it's working just fine...

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

A joke I just made up at work

What is Covid-19's favorite drink?

You may think it's Corona, but in fact it is

Coughy

What do you call a secret agent working in a Bakery?

John Dough!

A man working at a plane manufacturer goes to his supervisor with a problem

“Sir, I think someone here isn’t attaching the wings. I’ve seen several planes with only one wing,” the man tells his supervisor. “I think it might be Joe.”

His supervisor looks alarmed and replies, “Well that won’t fly!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee calls his boss to say he can't work because he's sick today. The boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I fuck my wife. Try that?"

Later that day, the employee called his boss and said "I feel a lot better now! Thanks for the tip! By the way, you have a nice house!"

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30"

He replies "Why what happened at 8.30?"

A few months ago my friend lost three toes in a work accident. Today his wife left him because she said that she couldn’t handle it....

.....I guess she was lack toes intolerant.

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

I just passed a drugs test at work.

Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.

Communism doesn't work for me.

It works for us.

To all those who work with machinery please remember!

Any machine can be a smoke machine if used improperly enough!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of fighters from the Roman Colosseum were hired out to rich Romans as prostitutes. One so impressed an influential Roman noble with his oral skills that she began to work on getting him freed.

In the end he was gladiator.

My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was

He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

Cop: "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to thin...

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

What's it called when someone copies your work during quarantine?

Plague-arism

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

Home-schooling my kids and I am able to do 1/3 of their math work

But I struggle to understand the other 3/4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a lifetime of work a Mohel (ritual circumcisioner) finally decided to hang up his knife.

Over the years he had kept all the “trimmings” of his work and decided to have them made into something to celebrate his retirement so he took them to a leather worker and asked him to make something special.

He went back a week later and was presented with - a wallet. “Beautiful” he tells th...

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?

B: Trilingual?

A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

B: Bilingual.

A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?

B: Umm, unilingual?

A: No! American!

What alternative surname would work for Trump right now?

Ection. Mr Ection.

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

Rihanna had “Work, work, work, work, work” as the original lyrics

Her producer told her it needs more work.

My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart

He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan

I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls,

but the pay was udderly terribull.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish my sex life was like my work schedule

If that were the case I’d always finish last.

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is sex work different from other occupations?

You get fired unless you suck at your job

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

People who wonder how big any man you meet is, there is one easy way to find out without seeing them naked, and you may not have been aware of it. It WILL work 100% of time.

Just ask your mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working from home is like VR porn

It looks like you're doing something, but in reality, its fucking nothing.

Wearing a mask at work

So I was at work, and cleaning off my desk, writing a few notes for the next shift. That’s when I saw it. One small hair on my desk. So instinctively I put my head closer, and tried to blow it away. That’s when it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best thing about working from home is...

...I can masturbate at my desk and no one calls HR and the police.

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

Since Everyone Is Working From Home

NSFW is now NSFH

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

After work, I volunteer to help blind children.

Btw - Verb, not Adjective

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...

>“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”

I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!

I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Lahore, Pakistan.

As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
...

I have been working on my dream project 18 hours a day despite several threats from a large corporation that I work for. Until one day ..

They decided to fire me for SLEEPING during work hours

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a knight who's working as a porn actor?

Sir Camelot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervix's rendered

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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