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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

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A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Husband: What are you doing?

Wife: I heard that they pay $400 for blowjobs in Vegas, so I'm leaving you and I won't need a man to ever support me again.

Husband: Hmmmm

Wife: What are you packing for I said I'm leaving you!!

Husband: I know! I just want to see how you liv...

There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Life sucks, work sucks...

Wife doesn't.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

can't opener!

Why did the riot police go to work early?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

I used to work as a lifeguard

Until some blue kid got me fired.

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A man is caught naked at work by his co-worker.

"I can't believe this! Are you having sex with her?", his coworker exclaimed.


"She was just lying there naked. What was I supposed to do?", the man replied.


"The autopsy, you fucking moron!"


"Hey - don't tell me how to do my job!"


"You are the worst vet I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”

I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it i...

What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

What does a Jewish barista do at work?

Hebrew.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

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The cleanup work after sex can be quite exhausting

Especially reburying the body

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

I dated a tennis player but it didn't work out.

Love meant nothing to him.

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What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastard!

A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and acciden...

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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A husband comes home after work.

When he walk into the house, he shouts, “Honey! I got you some aspirin!”

The wife shouts back,
“But I don’t have a headache!”

The husband responds,
“Well lets have sex”.

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

It's Jamaica hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

I work at a cell phone repair place at the mall.

It's literally called 'Cell Phone Repair.'

Don't let the name fool you though, we fix just about anything. Tablets, computers, TVs, whatever. I use all sorts of tools, but super glue is one of my favorites. You can't even begin to imagine how many problems it solves.

Anyways, I used to...

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

People say that Democrats and Republicans can't work together to get anything done.

But Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Porsche.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

A womans work is never Done

And thats why they get paid less.

I was having trouble getting the seat belt to work.

Then it clicked.

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

What do Hong Kong police like to do after work ...?

Keep on Clubbing ..

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

My mother with dwarfism feels she is underpaid at work...

Apparently shes unsatisfied making mini Mum wage.

I'm a very consistent man at work.

I come in late every single day.

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

A boss asked his employee what can be done to pick up the pace at work.

The employee said, "Remember that pay raise I asked for a couple months ago......."

A guy was eating dinner in a bar that his girlfriend works at

After earing dinner, he pays but doesn't tip

She asks "wheres my tip?"

He replies " you'll get that later tonight"

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

(Offensive) I used to work in a Pizza Shop

I had to quit though, because I was tired of smelling Jewish... on account of the ovens.

Guy needed for joke to work: Name a country in Asia

Neckbeard: M’laysia

P.S
I’m sorry for posting this but it’s just the worst joke I’ve ever been able to think up on my own and I’m sort of proud.

I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

My father always tells me to work hard,

But last time I did that I got fired from the daycare.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Ignoring a vampire never works.

It always comes back to bite you.

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I just took the best shit at work. I didn't even have to wipe.

I can't wait until my boss sees it on his desk Monday morning.

Everyday when I come to work....

Everyday when I come to work, I go and find a place to hide.
Good workers are hard to find these days.

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

What do you call repetitve and monotonous tunnel digging work?

Boring work.

Where do you work?

— NSA
— tell me something interesting
— about me or about you?

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Why are people that work at bread factories so rich?

Because they make lots of bread

I told someone that I liked lollygagging in my free time at work.

There are FBI agents outside. Please send help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

Not every joke works out

That's why I'm fat.

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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

A girl at my work is going to be having a baby.

I haven't decided which one yet though.

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

Me: Boss, I am not coming into work today because I am sick.

Boss: How sick are you?


Me: Well, I am in bed with my sister.

I got an unexpected call at work today.

I was at my desk when my phone started ringing. I was expecting an important call, but was a bit confused when it was a woman's voice I didn't recognize. "Hello? It's Cindy, from the club," she said.

I told her, "Sorry, I don't remember a Cindy."

"Remember, you called me a good sport?...

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I work as a locksmith...

A job that really opens up a lot of doors to me...

A guy hires a contractor to do some work on his house

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.

The contractor does the work well—h...

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

A guy is sitting at his desk at work when his phone starts ringing.

He answers:

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr Thomson, it's the builder. There's been a problem with your renovations."

"Oh dear, what's happened?" asks Mr Thomson

"Well, there's good news and bad news." says the builder, "The bad news is that your upstairs bathroom, and the second and t...

I saw my pothead friend on my way to work, and you know how he greeted me?

High.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

A girl walks into work crying

And her boss asks what’s wrong and the blonde says “my mom died” so the boss asks if she wants to go home and the blonde says no she can still work. later that day the boss sees the blonde crying and asks “what’s wrong “ and the blonde says “I just called my sister and her mom died too”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

How did the cat get his promotion at work

He clawed his way to the top

If you drink the blue liquid from the magic 8 ball, you can see the future, this actually works!

My friend John drank some, said he was gonna die, then did!

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

Why was the Broom late for work?

Wakka Wakka U?

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

I started dating a communist girl a while ago, but I don't think it'll work out

I can't help but notice the red flags.

(Hope this ain't a repost, I thought about it during shower)

The company I work in is pretty transparent

In 3 month, there's about 4 cases of people running into the glass door.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

I found a babysitter who works in an owl costume

She's a hootin'-nanny

I got fired for eating chips at work.

Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

What does an Australian bricklayer wear at work?

A bloody hell, mate!

Me and a colleague had been hanging out at a bar after work a few times.

We always had a good time, talking about stuff "man-to-man" and all that.

One day I asked if he'd like to come over to my house for dinner sometime. He freaked out and said that he wasn't "like that" and promptly left.

I was left standing in shock. I had no idea he was a homeophobe.

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.

What can I say? My hands were Tide.

They made a measles joke at work today and soon everyone laughed...

It was contagious.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th...

I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.

I felt it wasn't going anywhere.

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