The 25+ Best Get Up Jokes

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

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I was in the cemetery and saw a man get up from behind a gravestone

‘Morning’ I said.

‘No, just taking a shit’ he said

What dou you call you german friend that tends to just get up and go home without telling anybody?

Up and Heimer.

I just came up with it and im not sorry.

When did the Polish farmer get up?

At the Krakow dawn

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

They say sitting all day is the new smoking, so I make sure to get up and walk outside each hour

They don’t let me take smoke breaks indoors anyway

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the end of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and say, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway , would you mind if we have sex first?"

The woman replies, "get away from me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in.

Guess I'm not a mourning person.

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

Why did a tree get up and walk away on its own?

Because it needed a drink.

-my 4 year old daughter

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

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Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

An Asian who works in the stock market get up in the morning

As he put on his uniform he said to himself "I go in vest now"

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

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