UPJOKE
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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the end of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and say, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway , would you mind if we have sex first?"

The woman replies, "get away from me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

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Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,

and does not stop until you get into the office

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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

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Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school
Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
Mom: you have to go
Liam: give me one reason why I should go
Mom: you're 35, and you're the principal

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

What do you call an alligator who can’t get up?

A reptile dysfunction.

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“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own?

It's two tired.

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Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

When and why did the yam farmer get up?

For a yam.

I don’t want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son’s bedroom door. “John,” he says, “wake up!”

John answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.”

The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.”

John says, “I don’t want to go to school.”

“Why not?” asks the father.

“Thre...

Husband: After I get up in the morning and shave, I feel 10 years younger.

Wife: Why don't you shave before you go to bed.

What do delinquent shapes get up to?

Shenanigons

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"&l...

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

Physical

Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God? "George replied, "...

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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