The 53+ Best Get Up Jokes

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I was in the cemetery and saw a man get up from behind a gravestone

‘Morning’ I said.

‘No, just taking a shit’ he said

They say sitting all day is the new smoking, so I make sure to get up and walk outside each hour

They don’t let me take smoke breaks indoors anyway

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in.

Guess I'm not a mourning person.

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the end of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and say, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway , would you mind if we have sex first?"

The woman replies, "get away from me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"

Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Why did a tree get up and walk away on its own?

Because it needed a drink.

-my 4 year old daughter

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

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Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

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Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,

and does not stop until you get into the office

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

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Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school
Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
Mom: you have to go
Liam: give me one reason why I should go
Mom: you're 35, and you're the principal

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

What do you call an alligator who can’t get up?

A reptile dysfunction.

Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own?

It's two tired.

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“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

When and why did the yam farmer get up?

For a yam.

I don’t want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son’s bedroom door. “John,” he says, “wake up!”

John answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.”

The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.”

John says, “I don’t want to go to school.”

“Why not?” asks the father.

“Thre...

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Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up

stand up comedy

Husband: After I get up in the morning and shave, I feel 10 years younger.

Wife: Why don't you shave before you go to bed.

What do delinquent shapes get up to?

Shenanigons

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

Get up at 5:00AM every day

90 minutes of cardio

Take a cold shower

Journal

Schedule out your day

Dad owns Fortune 500 company

Meditate

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

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The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

Two guys in a lunatic asylum

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching awa...

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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a...

There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

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