This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

ELI5 why is it that a kid can fall down a flight of stairs then get up and walk away just fine, but if I sleep wrong or stand up too fast I'm SOL for the whole day?

After some experimentation, turns out you just need a longer flight of stairs.

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,

and does not stop until you get into the office

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

It’s not about how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get up!

The police said, “Sir, this is a field sobriety test!”

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

I have finally cut down on smoking, I have one when I go to bed and one when I get up.

I have only been to bed 25 times today.

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says,"Since
you're about to kill yourself anyway,
would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman replies,"Get away from
me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school
Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
Mom: you have to go
Liam: give me one reason why I should go
Mom: you're 35, and you're the principal

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

What do you call an alligator who can’t get up?

A reptile dysfunction.

Did you hear about the snake that couldn't get up?

The doctor said he had ereptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own?

It's two tired.

When and why did the yam farmer get up?

For a yam.

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

I don’t want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son’s bedroom door. “John,” he says, “wake up!”

John answers, “I don’t want to get up, Papa.”

The father shouts, “Get up, you have to go to school.”

John says, “I don’t want to go to school.”

“Why not?” asks the father.

“Thre...

Husband: After I get up in the morning and shave, I feel 10 years younger.

Wife: Why don't you shave before you go to bed.

What do delinquent shapes get up to?

Shenanigons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

My day in court

I was defending myself in court and the judge said
"have you ever been up before me?"

I replied "I don't know what time you get up"

Dude explaining how he got his first $10million

1. Get up at 5:00 AM Everyday

2. 90 minutes of cardio

3: take a cold shower

4: journal

5: schedule out your day

6:dad owns Fortune 500 company

6: meditate

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each, to do you know what.
The first dwarf goes to a room and gets in bed with one of the girls, but things don't go their way and after a while they give up. But the first dwarf can clearly hear the second dwarf yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming!...

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.