How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

Why don't people get up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

An Asian who works in the stock market get up in the morning

As he put on his uniform he said to himself "I go in vest now"

My gecko won't get up.

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

They don’t have balls to scratch

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning,

and does not stop until you get into the office

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

Why couldn't the bicycle get up?

Because it was two tired.

It’s not about how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get up!

The police said, “Sir, this is a field sobriety test!”

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says,"Since
you're about to kill yourself anyway,
would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman replies,"Get away from
me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school
Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
Mom: you have to go
Liam: give me one reason why I should go
Mom: you're 35, and you're the principal

What do you call an alligator who can’t get up?

A reptile dysfunction.

How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

Did you hear about the snake that couldn't get up?

The doctor said he had ereptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom and take too long to pee....

I keep looking at my penis and start yelling "come on! I KNOW urine there!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.