UPJOKE
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Organise Jokes

How does NASA organise parties?

They Planet
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Organised a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
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Me and my friends organised a circlejerk in our local church.

It was a mass turbation.

A Father wanted to help organise a wedding for his daughter...

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other jobs he had been given, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different...
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How do dyslexic cows organise their time?

With a dairy
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Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.
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Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
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A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.
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I organised an orgy,

but nobody came.
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How do you organise a war between Earth and Mars?

Planet.
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How do you organise a bukkake?

You don't, everyone just comes.
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The organisers of the International Chilli Growers Trade Show put up a fairground as entertainment —

The ChilliCon Carney
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How do NASA organise events

They Planet
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Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes
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What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!
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They asked me to organise a karaoke night for the blind

One of the songs I included was 'I Can See For Miles' by The Who, but the participants weren't really feeling the lyrics.

Mainly because I forgot to get the braille version.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...
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I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!
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A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...
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What do you call an organised superhero?

Captain Plan It
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I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...
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Married in Heaven?

A very loving couple were on their way to organise their wedding when they had a horrific car crash and died.

When they reached the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter,
"We were on our way to get married when we arrived here, do you know if it's possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Do yo...
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I have a book on how to keep things organised in your home

Unfortunately I don't know where I stored it
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I organised a surprise bukkake party for my girlfriend....

All my mates came.
You should’ve seen her face.
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My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life

My calendar's days are numbered.
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The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.
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What do you call a badly organised football tournament?

A facup.
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I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country
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Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”
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A man went to a fish and chip lunch organised by the local monastery...

He strolls up to one guy serving, and with a big grin, asks "Are you the fish friar?"

The guy responds "No, I'm the chip monk!"
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I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.

Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.
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If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke
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My friends who work the fields organised a party for me without me knowing.

It was quite a peasant surprise.
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I was asked to run today's London marathon.

I said I'm flattered but I don't believe I could organise such a big event.
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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...
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I organised a party for men who suffer from premature ejaculation...

There's no strict dress code, just come in your pants.

What do you call an organised rebellion with twice as many people as usual?

A sedan d'ĂŠtat.
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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast
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Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised
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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around

I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser
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These Covid travel restrictions are getting a bit much..

.. things are so bad, the US had to organise a coup at home!
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Two virgin dwarves

Two virgin dwarves decide to go to a local brothel.

They arrive at the brothel, organise payment and are allocated a girl and a room each.

The first dwarf, lying on the bed next to the prostitute, starts to feel really self-conscious and nervous and can't get an erection however hard h...

A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.

He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours....
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What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.

One of them is organised.
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A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.
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I'd hate to run a marathon

They just look so hard to organise
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A husband died.

The widow organised his funeral and arranged with the undertaker to have him laid out in an open coffin so that she and the family could say their goodbyes before the lid was screwed down.

On the day before the viewing was due to take place the widow received a call from the undertaker advis...

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise ...
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When I was little, my Dad built me a giant Scrabble board which was big enough to run around on.

One day I propped up the board on boxes and saw horses.

Then I organised a little show for the neighbourhood kids and their parents, which I presented from my big Scrabble board.

It was a play on words.
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Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

You could say I was involved in very organised crime.
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My neighbour was about to lose his house.

So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity orgy to help him.
It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that.
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People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!
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A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...
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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Planning for this year's International Juggling Convention has ran into difficulties.

Organiser's have stated that its all up in the air.
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Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...
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What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?

Organised crime.
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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

“‘Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."


Archie nods approvingly.


"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

...
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Sharon was bored at home with her boyfriend Andrew.

"Andrew, I'm sick of just sitting at home doing nothing. Let's go out for lunch to that nice restaurant." Sharon said.

"That sounds like a great idea", replied Andrew. "BUT... I've already organised to do some gaming with some friends today."

"There is always A BUT! You never put any e...

Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

It was a huge failure.

The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern...
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were playing a round of golf.

They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The Scotsman lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The Irishman nodded in agreement.

The Englishman saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come t...

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

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