To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

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Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime...

... Give a man a pen, and he'll draw a penis

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

It doesn't matter how much kindness and generosity you teach your Children..

German Kids Are always going to be Kinder

I tried to teach my dog to heel.

But it just kept bringing me shoes.

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

A mental hospital decides to teach its patients the colors.

They first paint a wall red. Within the next day the patients had already eaten the wall.

Surprised but resilient, the doctors paint another wall and are again surprised that by tommorow the wall had been eaten.

Intrigued the doctors paint another wall green but this time the patients ...

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Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

People ask me why I chose to teach Maths rather than English. I tell them,

“Fractions speak louder than verbs.”

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

As the saying goes: those who cannot do, teach...

So I recently started running a class on picking up women.

I asked a high school teacher "What do you teach?" He said...

Idiots

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can hav...

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

A teacher is trying to teach her students table manners

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a lovely young lady, how would you tell her you need to use the restroom?" asked the teacher

"Just a minute, I have to pee" answered Michael.

"That would be rude and impolite" said the teacher. "how about you, Sherman, how would you s...

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

Ive always wanted to teach myself how to procrastinate.

Just never got around to learning it.

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

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Why don’t Mexicans teach drivers ed and sex ed in the same day?

They had to give the donkey a break at some poont

My maths teacher didn't teach us circumference.

She said it was point-less

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class

a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.<...

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The Dragonborn is pissed I won't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

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Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

Two men exit a bar.

Man 1: Wait! I forgot to go to the bathroom!
Man 2: Don't worry, I'll teach you.

Can you teach me some Spanish?

Steve- Can you teach me some Spanish

Jose- no

Steve- please

Jose- no

Steve- pretty please

Jose- no means no

Steve- Thanks man!

Why didn’t Elsa’s parents teach her the full alphabet?

They got lost at C.

You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that's where students have the most potential.

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

I got a book to teach me how to speed read...

... I didn’t finish it. It was too slow.

A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.

On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.

Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was C words , he thought to himself.

"How are they gonna handle D-day?"

A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...

He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.

He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. H...

Teach a man to joke and he’ll be funny for a lifetime,

tell a man a joke and he’ll repost it every day.

You can teach a man to fish...

Because you damn sure won't be teaching his wife.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Give a Newfie a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Newfie to fish,

He’ll draw unemployment all winter long.

Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was later poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

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I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

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My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

Why do people look to Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen to teach them how to make good blunts and joints?

Because they're good roll models.

I hired a guy to teach me all about the dark web.

He was just my tormentor.

Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".

The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure...

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give...

On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her ...

teach a man to hunt and he will eat for life

hunt a man and he will never starve again

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

Have you guys heard about my new Youtube Channel where I teach how to make explosives ?

It's called Do It Youssef

Didn't teach this in med school

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?



The Taste.

I tried to teach my dog to dance today.

He's absolutely useless. He's got two left feet.

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

Why does Snape teach potions and not Herbology?

Because his Lily died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

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