Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

A couple had two mischievous little boys, aged 8 and 10. To teach them some manners, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The 8 year old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

​

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, a third grade teacher had to teach SexEd to her class.

She had never taught it before and decided to start of by drawing a penis on the whiteboard. She asks the class,” Anyone know what this is?”
A boy raised his hand and exclaimed,” I know what that is! My father has 2!”
The teacher was confused and asked the the child, “ Are you sure?”
The...

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

As the saying goes: those who cannot do, teach...

So I recently started running a class on picking up women.

I asked a high school teacher "What do you teach?" He said...

Idiots

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can hav...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't they teach sex education and driver's education on the same day in Iraqi schools?

It's too hard on the camel.

A teacher is trying to teach her students table manners

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a lovely young lady, how would you tell her you need to use the restroom?" asked the teacher

"Just a minute, I have to pee" answered Michael.

"That would be rude and impolite" said the teacher. "how about you, Sherman, how would you s...

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

Why didn’t the math professor teach during the summer?

She needed a tan

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

Ive always wanted to teach myself how to procrastinate.

Just never got around to learning it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

What do they teach at a drum clinic?

The rhythm method!

I can teach a dog to play dead.

Once.

How do you teach someone to drive in only 5 minutes?

By offering a crash-course.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class

a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.<...

Two men exit a bar.

Man 1: Wait! I forgot to go to the bathroom!
Man 2: Don't worry, I'll teach you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don’t Mexicans teach drivers ed and sex ed in the same day?

They had to give the donkey a break at some poont

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

My maths teacher didn't teach us circumference.

She said it was point-less

I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

Can you teach me some Spanish?

Steve- Can you teach me some Spanish

Jose- no

Steve- please

Jose- no

Steve- pretty please

Jose- no means no

Steve- Thanks man!

You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Why didn’t Elsa’s parents teach her the full alphabet?

They got lost at C.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dragonborn is pissed I won't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

&#x200B;

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

&#x200B;

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do n...

Why is the best place to teach physics on top of a cliff?

Because that's where the students have the most potential

I got a book to teach me how to speed read...

... I didn’t finish it. It was too slow.

I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences

An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.

On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.

Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was C words , he thought to himself.

"How are they gonna handle D-day?"

Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was later poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

You can teach a man to fish...

Because you damn sure won't be teaching his wife.

A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Give a Newfie a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Newfie to fish,

He’ll draw unemployment all winter long.

Why do people look to Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen to teach them how to make good blunts and joints?

Because they're good roll models.

I hired a guy to teach me all about the dark web.

He was just my tormentor.

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

Teach a man to joke and he’ll be funny for a lifetime,

tell a man a joke and he’ll repost it every day.

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".

The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her ...

teach a man to hunt and he will eat for life

hunt a man and he will never starve again

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

Didn't teach this in med school

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?



The Taste.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why doesn't the middle east teach drivers education and sex education on the same day?

Because the goat gets tired.

Have you guys heard about my new Youtube Channel where I teach how to make explosives ?

It's called Do It Youssef

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

Why does Snape teach potions and not Herbology?

Because his Lily died

I tried to teach my dog to dance today.

He's absolutely useless. He's got two left feet.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Miss Davies wants to teach her class about Hearsay, so they enact a game of "Telephone"

She arranges the students in a circle and turns to her first student, Peter. She whispers "The box jellyfish has 24 eyes, and a lifespan of less than one year" to Peter and tells him to pass the message on. As she watched the message being passed on, she noted the subtle look of enlightenment in eac...

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

I once tried to teach food how to sing.

It actually went pretty well, although the pancakes were a little flat.