Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

I was really hoping Jesus would reveal God's plan for 2020 on Reddit

But all he'd do is crosspost

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

In this Quarantine, I'm planning to watch movie with my girlfriend.

Please suggest a good girlfriend.

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

A woman plans to pay her sister a visit. They haven't seen one another for years, since her sister moved to New York.

"So, Rebecca- what's the best way I should find your apartment?"

"Well, Miriam it's real easy. When you leave the subway you'll see the great big tower-block, the one with the revolving glass-door to your immediate right. Give it a shove with your foot and scuttle inside while it's turning. S...

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Did you hear about the plan to use sex dolls to defeat ISIS?

They blow themselves up.

I have a plan to lose 10 pounds when the quarantine is over

I am going to get a haircut

Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.

I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood

Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

Conspiracy theorists in Germany believe the government plans to do mandatory vaccinations against Corona. That's laughable.

I'm certain they'll put something in the tap water.

My friend was planning to get a Labrador.

Is he mad? Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

North Korea has made a plan to combat COVID-19

It is executed perfectly

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

A guy tried to get me into an MLM plan for selling mini trees once.

Thankfully I realized before I joined that it was just a bonsai scheme.

What do you get when you mix LSD with Plan B?

A trip without the kids

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

I have plans to start a business reading poetry and short stories to the imprisoned

I call it Prose and Cons

Trump and Thanos are a bar discussing their plans.

They are having a heated discussion when Putin comes in and asks what they are talking about.

Trump : we are going to decimate half the population including Keanu Reaves.

Putin : why Keanau Reaves?

Thanos : see..I told you nobody will care if half the population disappears?
...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

My dads always been someone who plans ahead.

That’s why he started social distancing right as I was born!

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

Why does John cena have the worst heapth insurance plan ever?

No matter how many appointments he makes to get his ailments cured, the doctors can't see him.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

When this whole Virus is over I’m planning to take 7 days leave

... and stay in Office.

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Engineering Professors are sitting in Plan...

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”? ...

Tell the plans

How can you make God laugh?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tell him your plans.

I hear NASA has a plan to send everyone with covid 19 into space

They're calling it a corona mass ejection

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

Two guy friends are planning how to market their new product

Friend 1: “Should I make a folded informative pamphlet that we can hand out to potential customers?”

Friend 2: “Bro, sure!”

A plan to rob a bris was foiled by the Rabbi today...

Police are still baffled at how he managed to get a tip off!

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

I was planning on telling a joke about unemployment

But none of them work

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day

Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big m...

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

Van Gogh actually planned to mutilate himself a second time.

Because he heard left ear is the best medicine.

Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Ha...

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The Excuse

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weeke...

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I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

I had some lasagne in the freezer that I planned on eating but I realized it was locked

And I had gnocchi

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

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I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

My only plan for tomorrow is to pick up my new eyeglasses

After that, I'll see what happens.

The best thing about using alcohol hand gel isn’t just the hygiene, it's that everyone walks around now looking like they’re...

...about to hatch a dastardly plan...

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

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A man and a women are outside having sex...

Out of no where a bee flies into the women’s vagina. They both freak out and rush to the hospital.
The man says “Doctor, there’s a bee in my wife’s vagina! Get it out!”
The doctor thinks very quickly about how to deal with the situation. “Alright, I have idea but it might seem unorthodox. No...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

A guy tries to lose weight

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

How do you plan a space party

Planet.

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

Johnson's plan for Brexit in January leaked:

He'll be on vacation in France.

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

What do you call a person with a house, and a retirement plan, that really isn't that bad?

An ok boomer

Well Trump finally got his wall

Didn’t plan on it being in front of the White House though

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Doctor geezer and doctor young

Once apon a time there were two doctors: doctor geezer, and doctor young.

Doctor geezer was very old - and doctor young, very young.

One day doctor geezer says that he can cure anything in the world for one hundred dollars. And if he can't, he'll give you one thousand.

So docto...

A multimillionaire was asked what the best factor was in becoming a multimillionaire. He said planning and thinking ahead was paramount...

He continued. "*I planned and thought well ahead on how I was going to manage and spend my grandparent's multimillion-dollar wealth when they died and I inherited it - and here I am today.*"

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

I'm planning on getting laser eye surgery next year!

Can't wait to see in 2020

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A man goes to a pharmacy every day for a week.

Every time he walks up to the pharmacist, he asks her if she carries condoms. Her reply each time was a curt "No," though he could see the boxes just behind the counter. So he decided that he needed a change of tactic, so he tried calling them rubbers.

"Hello, do you carry any rubbers?"
...

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

Engineer professors on a plane...

A plane full of engineering professors were planned to go to a convention. As the professors are placed in their seats, the captain speaks in the loud speakers. "Hello everyone, and welcome to our flight. Before take-off I just want you all to know, this airplane has been built by all of your very ...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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The Plan

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."...

I was planning on taking leftovers from the party.

All my plans were foiled.

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

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It’s the spring of 1961, and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

When he gets to the door, the girl’s father invites him in.

“Carrie is not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

Carrie’s father then asks Bobby what they plan to do.

“Probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.”

Carries father responds, “Why don’t you two ...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

If PG&E goes through with the planned outage...

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

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Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

A Prince was visiting a small, unknown village wearing a fancy hat made from the hair of a fox...

The villagers asked the Prince, "That is a magnificent hat you have, what made you decide to wear it?"

"Well", said the Prince, "I was telling the Queen about my plan to visit your small village and she replied, 'Wear the fox hat?' And that's why I'm wearing it today"

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhe...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us”you know I wouldn’t ditch you, bros before toes!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

What does the Pink Panther say when he makes plans?

To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend..

.. when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries...

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?

Winner : I’m going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.

Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?

Winner : I’ll probably just waste it.

A beggar indeed

### A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50. “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.


...

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Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

plans for the weekend

"What are your plans for the weekend?"
"I am going to buy glasses"
"And then?"
"And then I'll see..."

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