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I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

After seeing a co-worker win the Powerball, my retirement plan has changed.

It's back to $20 million.

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's a...

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

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Did you know the Nazis had a plan to exterminate cats?

Hitler called it off because he was a pussy

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

If two people plan to go to the toilet together you could say that they

Co-looed.

What's the worst part about locking yourself out of your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What do you call it when several shrubs plan a coordinated attack?

An ambush

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his missus wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week, when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see him. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand and a camp fire burning.

One ...

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush
2. part Red Sea
3. climb Mount Sinai
4. ?????????
5. PROPHET!!!!

How does NASA plan a party?

They planet

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

President Zelinski has come out with a plan to get the Russian Army out of Ukraine in 24 hours

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

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Apple announced its plans for a iPhone buttplug

It will be the world's first smart ass phone

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star Plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

Tonight i plan on making love

from 1:59 to 3:02

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

What do you call it when God decides a woman will miscarry?

Divine Plan B

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
...

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It is my Wife's Birthday so I have planned a surprise for her

I am going to take her somewhere I haven't ever taken her before.




Up the arse.

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

My sensei couldn't make training this week. Luckily, I had a back up plan.

Sense B.

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

Holy Holiday

Jesus, Mary and the Holy Ghost try to plan a vacation.

Holy Ghost: "Let's go to Lourdes!"

Mary: "Oh, let's not. The people there will recognize me and fall to their knees, that's like work! So what about Jerusalem?"

"No", says Jesus. "I had a really bad experience there! How abo...

My wife wanted me to get a Vasectomy

Since we were both on our late 30 and we were not planning on having more children

I told her: “but what if 10-15 years from now something happens to you And I remarry with a much younger woman? She would want children wouldn’t she”?

Now I don’t need a Vasectomy, the kick was hard enou...

I sat in the waiting room at the hospital looking at the floor, and I heard the footsteps of one of the doctors approaching to tell me about my wife.

He stopped before me and I looked up. He stroked his hideous beard and looked at the ground unsurely.

I began to get worried.

"Did her hair transplant go as planned...doc?" I asked, frowning. After a pause, I added: "And why are you wearing my wife's clothes?"

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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Two buddies were talking about their plans to fly overseas after COVID winds down

- As soon as this mess is over, I'm flying to Paris, France!
- France you say? Wow, you're going to have a blast. Paris is the sex capital of the world. You'll probably get laid on the flight out, certainly in the cab on the way to the hotel. And when you reach the hotel, man, you won't believe i...

I planned to gift my wife a Philips 21" for her bedroom use on her birthday and she got really really excited...





I don't know but she got really disappointed with the gift, I guess she dint like the TV design??

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

Bigfoot

Why do bigfoot hunters try to lure him out with mating calls? Do they have a game plan for if a sasquatch comes barreling towards them out of the woods, with a raging hard on?

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

Builder

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take? " his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our ...

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

I plan to live forever.

So far, so good.

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

Bob Saget and Betty White are discussing dinner plans.

Betty says, "I'm in the mood for meatloaf."

Girl: What are your plans today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I’m Paul.

Her: Hi, I’m pregnant.

Case closed.

Any Christmas Plans?

I'm going to a Lord of the Rings themed Christmas party, can't wait to eat, drink and be Merry.

A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering

Famer: raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes

Farmer: what?

Necromancer: what?

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

A person was pulled over in California

The police officer asked “Where are you going to?”
The person replied “To San Jose” (pronouncing it with the “j” sound)
The police officer said “In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here”
The person said “Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave aroun...

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

What do you call a crocodile that loves planning?

An alocator.

Yup.

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

why are my plans so weak?

because they never work out

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

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Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

What is the difference between Aluminum-man and Iron man?

Aluminum-man will try to foil your plans.


EDIT: What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

- Iron man stops the bad guys, while Aluminum man will foil their plans.

I can’t think of a single good thing to post on my cake day.

I guess I’ll just have to dessert my karma farming plans.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

As part of his infrastructure plan, President Biden will be creating a new department to work with the Department of Defense

It will be called the Department of Degate

The government has installed the first publicly available enema station which they plan to eventually build across all major cities.

It has officially been declared public enema number one.

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Two men go out duck hunting

They have been planning their trip for a long time and hoped to find a massive flock.

They travel all day and around sunset finally find a really nice out of the way place that looks almost untouched.

To their delight once they get out to some bushes on the bank of a lake a huge flock...

A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits"

Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.

I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in hell with the Evangelicals.

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

Batma and Robi, having found the evil villain's lair, are running through it, trying to find him, before he can execute his evil plan.

They go through the entire thing, but the villain is nowhere to be found! Panicking, Batma yells,

"Where is the joke?!"

In college, I had trouble making friends till I came up with a foolproof plan.

I told all the girls “I love you”, and they usually said, “Let’s just be friends”.

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

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