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Plan Jokes

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an escort service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You ca...

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan

I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

How does a ghost plan his day?

He makes a to-boo list

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

There's a new documentary planned about flying

They're filming the pilot.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,...

So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day.

And the leader of the group asks: “What’s on the agenda?”

One of the group members stand up and say: “A top hat. Thanks for noticing!”

If there's anyone out there who has no family and is planning to stay home alone this Thanksgiving, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

If God has a plan for all of us...

Why does mine have so much spicy diarrhoea?

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.

He is going to make it the true red planet.

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush
2. part Red Sea
3. climb Mount Sinai
4. ?????????
5. PROPHET!!!!

Planning meals in advance...

Now that's some food forethought.

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Elmer Fudd and Bugs bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer “if it is whiskey”? Elmer replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”!

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

"What's your plan B if art doesn't work out, sir?"

"Politics."

Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies.

He’ll be..rolling in his grave.

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

How do you foil a plan?

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.



Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.




Two days l...

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It's boy's night and Ronnie comes up with a plan....

for them to get free beers all night long and it worked too. Ronnie and Matt get so hammered that the next day Matt hardly recalled the night before. Ronnie reminded him that the plan was to go to each bar, drink all they could and then Ronnie would whip out a hotdog from his pant zipper and Matt wo...

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's a...

A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Tonight i plan on making love

from 1:59 to 3:02

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

It's so frustrating that Costco has the best prices on funeral plans.

The service is great and all, but I don't need 3 caskets!

The Blonde’s father said “I hope you’re not planning to be alone at your boyfriend’s place.”

She said, “Don’t’ be silly. He’ll be there.”

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

I plan to live forever.

So far, so good.

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I’m Paul.

Her: Hi, I’m pregnant.

Case closed.

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

As part of an urban planning experiment, a group of stoners are tasked with designing a small American city...

They decide that there should be both a Denny's and a good Denny's.

C-3PO, Robocop, and The Terminator are planning a play about classical music composers

C-3PO says, “I’ll be Mozart”. Robocop says, “I’ll be Beethoven”. The Terminator says, “I’ll be Bach”.

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Did you know the Nazis had a plan to exterminate cats?

Hitler called it off because he was a pussy

How's the wedding planning coming on, John?

John: "We're having a slight difference of opinion. She wants a big church wedding, large reception, small orchestra, the works. I want to elope with someone else."

After seeing a co-worker win the Powerball, my retirement plan has changed.

It's back to $20 million.

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, that said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. ...

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

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There were plans to have Chuck Norris's face on Mt. Rushmore

Unfortunately, the plans had to be scrapped because the granite was too soft to make his beard.

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Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

I 100% support the Trump Deportation Plan!!

Where should we send him?

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Apple announced its plans for a iPhone buttplug

It will be the world's first smart ass phone

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

Plan A: Attack

Plan B: Defend

Plan C: Run away

Plan D: Get to the airport

PlanE.

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

Any Christmas Plans?

I'm going to a Lord of the Rings themed Christmas party, can't wait to eat, drink and be Merry.

If two people plan to go to the toilet together you could say that they

Co-looed.

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Who did Hitler plan to install as commander of the Indonesian air force if they agreed to join the Axis powers?

Hermann Goreng

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

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Retirement Plan

Working people frequently ask retired people, "What you do to make your days
interesting ~"


Well, this was what I heard from a 60+ Senior Citizen & he said this about using time Productively...


"The other day, my wife & I went into town & went into a shop....

Estate planning

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Spent all morning with my estate planning lawyer working on my will," he tells the bartender. "Turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend. Unless they have a church."

I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

A Trans-Nordic race was planned to pass through Norway, Sweden, and Finland, ending at the Russian border.

But everyone stopped at the Finnish line instead.

Planning a dinner party in 2020 is like planning an orgy.

It's taboo, risks spreading disease, and you gotta know the people you invite will be into it.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

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Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.

"I think we're old enough to start cussing," the older brother says. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to say 'hell' and you're going to say 'ass', ok?" His younger brother agrees to the plan.

The boys go downstairs in the morning and their mom asks them what they would like for breakfast.
...

why are my plans so weak?

because they never work out

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

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I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big m...

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New Military Retirement Plan

So, the military decides to adopt a new retirement plan, when you retire, you may choose any 2 points on your body, and are paid $10,000 for each inch between them.
First person to retire is a buck sargeant, he walks into the room and asks the official to measure from the top of his head to the b...

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

My sensei couldn't make training this week. Luckily, I had a back up plan.

Sense B.

If crows plan to make a group...

Is it a pre-meditated murder?

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

Odin is planning to take a flight, so he packs his bags and heads to the airport. One of the staff says "sir, you'll have to keep your pet in the hold..."

Odin laughs and says, "no, this is a carrion raven."

I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.

I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in hell with the Evangelicals.

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

I have a plan to become Rich...

First I just need money

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

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Engineering Professors are sitting in Plan...

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”? ...

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the De...

The plan...

A middle aged woman has been conducting a long term affair with her lover for years. Her husband never knows because she tells him that she goes upstate one weekend a month to visit her elderly great aunt and take care of her. The husband wants nothing to do with such business and leaves her to it. ...

What’s Kanye West’s brilliant economic plan as president?

To put 50 cent into the Treasury

Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.

What is a bad bike’s retirement plan?

Sus-pension


I believe I made this joke up but I don’t know if anyone else has made this up.

Post Grad Plans

When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It’s my way, or the highway.”

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

Herman Cain is going to find out about the Coronavirus 5x5x5 plan.

Positive test within 5 days of TrumpRallyTulsa

He spread Coronavirus to least 5 of his friends

He only has 5 minutes left of his 15 minutes of fame

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

I'm making a plan to write all of my friends' names in alphabetical order...

I have a social list agenda.

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

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What's the difference between me and my plans?

My plans get fucked.

Abraham's Four-Step Plan

Step 1: become religious

Step 2: receive the literal word of God

Step 3: ???

Step 4: prophet

Doing, or plan to commit incest?

Make sure to say "no chromo", that way it will be perfectly acceptable.

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