On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

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Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

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A groom walks into a tattoo shop while on holiday in Jamaica.

To show his love, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. After finishing getting his tattoo, he notices a Jamaican man with the same letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
<...

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[NSFW] The bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite.

Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, "Johnny, now that we're married, could you tell me what a penis is?"

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Pleased to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her.

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"Oh," she said, "it's just like a dick, only smalle...

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

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On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Why wasn't the groom married?

The wedding went off without a hitch

I have a horse called Mayo and a groom called Miracle.

Mayo neighs when Miracle whips.

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

A bride asks her Mom to buy her a long blue nightgown for her wedding night.

When the newly married couple gets to the honeymoon suite, the nervous groom goes in the bathroom to undress giving the instructions for the bride not to peek.

She opens her suitcase disappointed to find her Mom not only bought the wrong thing, but also just wadded it up in her suitcase. ...

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A joke my dad told me

A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

What do you call the type of guy who *always* leaves the party with his ex-girlfriend?

The groom

A groom asks the priest how much they owe him for the ceremony

The priest replies that there's no fixed scale, but he can always make a donation based on, for example, the beauty of the bride. The groom looks awkwardly around him and gives the priest a quarter. The priest goes to the bride and lifts up her veil.

After a moment he then goes back to the m...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back t...

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In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

What did the one engaged melon say to her groom melon?

Sorry we canteloupe.

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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A cowboy walks into a bar...

After a week's worth of riding a lone cowboy walks into a bar which was known to pick on new people. He has a few drinks, chats with the locals and a few hours pass.

When he walks outside he notices his horse is no where to be seen, surely the locals have moved it. So he walks into the bar an...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

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An Aussie walks up to a kiwi

Aussie: Hey bro, is that your dog?

Kiwi: Yeah.

Aussie: Mind if I talk to it?

Kiwi: Uhh, yeah chur, but dogs dont talk.

Aussie: Hey dog, how ya doing?

Dog: yeah good thanks mate.

The kiwi looks shocked.

Aussie: Is that your owner?

Dog: Yeah.
...

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THE FISHING GROOM

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The
desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon
as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go
fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his
lante...

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

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I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

Bribe and Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d jus...

Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of thi...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

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A bride and groom went missing shortly before their wedding...

...Finally, with only a few minutes remaining before the ceremony, the groomsmen found the groom, sporting a huge smile on his face. They asked him why the big grin.

"I just got the BEST blowjob of my entire life, and it was from the woman I am about to marry!" was his response.

About...

Wedding night

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When ...

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day

Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

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A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom’s friend asks what’s wrong and the groom explained, “After sex the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and left a 50 on the pillow without thinking.”

The friend says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll get over it. She can’t think you’ve been saving yourself all this time.”
...

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An elderly couple get married

On the wedding night, the bride enters the bedroom wearing her sexiest evening wear.

Be careful with me, she says. I have acute angina.

That's good, the groom responds. Because your tits look like shit

Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?

He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.

A groom stood naked in front of a mirror...

and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"

His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

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Chinese Wedding Night

So a young Chinese couple is in their hotel room on the night of their wedding. Both of them have saved their virginity for this special night.

The young man helps the bride get undressed and she hops under the bed covers, looking nervous.

The young man gets undressed himself and hop...

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My town is in trouble after hosting a feline grooming competition where they gave an award for the cleanliness of your cat's rectum.

It's a cat-ass-trophy.

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The best man was waiting at the alter when the groom finally arrived wearing a huge smile.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the best man.

"I just got the best blow job I have ever gotten in my life and I am about to marry that woman!" laughed the groom.

Soon, the marriage procession begins and the bride is beaming with glee as she walks down the aisle. As she hands her b...

[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me..

Groom: After me..

Priest (turning to bride): Is this guy serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

What did Mike Tyson call the groom with cold feet?

A Puthy

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

*“Well officer, it’s customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man Paddy when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could smack bang between my legs.”*...

Called the cops on the barber shop today

Heard they were grooming children.

After a wedding

After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,
“Without Aunt Enna, no reception.”

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

My only joke

A guy is the best man at his friends wedding. Now, after the ceremony was over and done with, the groom, bride, bridesmaid, and best man all decide to play a game of sackrace. The winner would get a free jug of cider, which may seem underwhelming but our guy was fairly thirsty. Everyone lines up to ...

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

A Bride and Groom just married are on their honeymoon...

the first night getting ready to consummate the marriage the bride starts to undo her new husbands clothes.

She starts by taking of his shoes and socks. To her surprise, she sees that his toes all mangled and gnarly, and asks 'Good heavens what is wrong with your toes?!'

The Groom exp...

A midevil couple gets married (mildly nsfw)

On their wedding night, the bride says to the groom, "I offer you my honor".

The groom replies, "I'm honored by your offer"

It went on like that all night: honor and offer, honor and offer

I like weddings in Alabama...

I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!

New husband and wife

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning,...

Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:

Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?

Bride: 8

Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS

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Two brooms get married...

On their wedding night as they're lying in bed the bride broom tells the groom broom that they can't have sex because she's expecting.

'How can that be,' asked the groom broom, 'we've never swept together.'

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

Making a living of 3-second tunes

Two old friends, both graduates of a musical academy, meet after years of no talk. One has a super expensive suit, a posh watch and looks well groomed. The other looks much older, and is wearing shabby clothes.

\--How are you, buddy? – asks the one better off.

\--Oh, not bad. Just fini...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

It was their wedding night. . .

And the inexperienced couple had never undressed in front of each other. As the new groom slipped off his shoes and socks, his bride couldn't help but notice how terribly deformed his feet were.

"My goodness, Dear, whatever happened to your feet"

"Well, my love, I never mentioned this...

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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a s...

At the wedding

Priest: Will you love & honor her?

Groom: I will

[Bride whispers to priest]

Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?

Groom: I'm out.

A newlywed couple has just retired to their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage

As they undress, the groom hands his pants to the bride and says, "here, put these on."

The bride pulls them on and says, "honey, I can't wear these pants, they're too big."

The groom replies, "that's right. I wear the pants in this relationship."

The bride then picks up her lac...

What did Groot say when he got married?

I am Groom.

Speeding motorist

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to s...

A man was invited to a wedding

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them... 

1. Bride relatives 
2. Groom relatives 

He entered the groom door and found two doors again. 

1. Ladies 
2. Men 

He entered men door and found two doors again. 

...

A man goes to a wedding...

And he's the best man. He goes to the groom, and asks if he could say a word. The groom accepts, and the best man goes up and says "Bargain". The groom replies, saying "Thank you, it means a great deal.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through ...

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