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Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in...

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

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The local community was being to believe the new teacher was grooming their kids

They were pissed to find all baby goats in town with a perm and a fresh trim.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On th...

I went to a wedding where the groom was left at the altar.

It went off without a hitch

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

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In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

An Italian bride's wedding night...

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house.
The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscular chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he's got a big broad hairy che...

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

My parents never taught me how to groom my hair.

It all fell on my shoulders.

My bride stood up in front of everyone. She said, "I would like to make a speech, but don't worry I'm not going to bore you with a long one," to which I smiled.

Until she added: "Instead I'll talk about the groom's good traits."

One of my friends stood up. "So, you won't be mentioning his taste in women?"

A groom is standing at the alter with his best man

Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"

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A week before the wedding the groom had penis accident

So doctor told him that he has to put bandage on it for at least 1 week exactly

Guy started to worry how's he going to explain to his wife-to-be what happened so he decided to come up with something

When their first night together came his wife said

"Do you see my boobs? No one ...

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A Ukrainian Man Marries a Russian Woman.

Before the wedding night, the Ukrainian groom's father takes him aside, to give him some advice.

When you go down on her, grab her firmly and throw her on the bed. She should know, that Ukraine is **strong**.

Then, you show her your dick. She should know, that Ukraine is **big**.
...

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[NSFW] The bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite.

Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, "Johnny, now that we're married, could you tell me what a penis is?"

 

Pleased to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her.

 

"Oh," she said, "it's just like a dick, only smalle...

Speeder

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

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Ukrainian Wedding Night

Father and grandfather are giving some wedding night advice to a young Ukrainian groom who is about to marry a Russian girl. The father starts:

"When you take her to the bedroom, carry her in your arms and then without visible effort deposit her on the bed. That way you will show her that Ukr...

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On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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The groom returns to his room before the wedding

The groom returns to his room before the wedding and says to his groomsmen "I just got the *BEST* blowjob of my life and it came from the girl I'm about to marry!" High fives were had all around.

The bride returns to her room and say to her bridesmaids "I just gave my last blowjob!"

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During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

I have a horse called Mayo and a groom called Miracle.

Mayo neighs when Miracle whips.

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THE FISHING GROOM

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The
desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon
as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go
fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his
lante...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of thi...

A groom asks the priest how much they owe him for the ceremony

The priest replies that there's no fixed scale, but he can always make a donation based on, for example, the beauty of the bride. The groom looks awkwardly around him and gives the priest a quarter. The priest goes to the bride and lifts up her veil.

After a moment he then goes back to the m...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

What did the one engaged melon say to her groom melon?

Sorry we canteloupe.

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I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?

He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

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A bride and groom went missing shortly before their wedding...

...Finally, with only a few minutes remaining before the ceremony, the groomsmen found the groom, sporting a huge smile on his face. They asked him why the big grin.

"I just got the BEST blowjob of my entire life, and it was from the woman I am about to marry!" was his response.

About...

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Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues. He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music, one to dan...

Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa....

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A Best Man at a wedding

Notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?”


“My bride to be just snuck into my room while I was getting into my tux, and she gave me the most incredible blow job. I am about to marry the most amazing ...

Newly Married Couple from honeymoon

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in...

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The best man was waiting at the alter when the groom finally arrived wearing a huge smile.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the best man.

"I just got the best blow job I have ever gotten in my life and I am about to marry that woman!" laughed the groom.

Soon, the marriage procession begins and the bride is beaming with glee as she walks down the aisle. As she hands her b...

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Before the emcee was about to give his speech he noticed there were way more people in the hall than invitations that went out.

He decided to play it smart. He took the Mic and announced “Okay. So now we're gonna play a little game between the bride's and the groom's side. I request the bride's relatives to come to the left of the party hall, and those of the groom to the right.”

The orders were followed by the ‘well-...

A Bride and Groom just married are on their honeymoon...

the first night getting ready to consummate the marriage the bride starts to undo her new husbands clothes.

She starts by taking of his shoes and socks. To her surprise, she sees that his toes all mangled and gnarly, and asks 'Good heavens what is wrong with your toes?!'

The Groom exp...

What did Mike Tyson call the groom with cold feet?

A Puthy

I want to open a dog grooming salon.

I'm going to call it 'doggy style'.

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

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My town is in trouble after hosting a feline grooming competition where they gave an award for the cleanliness of your cat's rectum.

It's a cat-ass-trophy.

My 14 year old girl asked me what hairstyle would look good on her

Don’t ever google tips for grooming a teenage girl. I’m now on a list somewhere….

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

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NSFW : He just LOVES to fish!

A couple checks into a seedy motel and asks for the Honeymoon suite. Around 3:30am the groom all decked out completely in fishing gear comes walzing thru the lobby and headed for the door.

Overcome with curiosity the desk clerk stops him and asks, "Aren't you the fellow that just checked in a...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

No peeking

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.

So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and t...

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NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

There was once a world with red and blue bees.

(LONG) (but worth it)

The red and blue bees were more or less polar opposites. So there were establishments for their respective colors.
In this world there is a blue bee, and he had been keeping an eye on this beautiful red bee. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask her out, because he wa...

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Two virgins get married.

On their honeymoon the groom calls her mother and asks what they should do now.

The mother tells her son that the husband is supposed to stick the biggest thing he has where the wife pees.

To say the least, the wife was confused when she found her husband with his leg in the toilet.

What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal?

The groom

A bride gets drunk at her reception and wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember anything she did at the reception. She asks her maid of honor what happened.

"Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together," says the maid of honor. "Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls."

"Ouch!" says the bride. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the ma...

I made a discord account for my puppy

So he gets groomed for free

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

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A honeymoon couple booked into a quiet sea-side hotel.

All the staff exchanged knowing glances. At 3 o' clock on the first morning, the desk clerk noticed the groom heading out laden with fishing gear. Amazed, the clerk asked,

"You're going fishing? Why aren't you making love to your lovely new wife?"

"No way, she's got gonnorhoea."
...

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

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A joke that only Jews will get.

A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right throu...

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