King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

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I've devised the perfect plan. One day, I'll pretend to be gay, make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends...

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

I have devised a list of all the things I hate about clickbait

Number 3 will shock you

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

Zeno's paradox

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at a bar and see a beautiful woman across the room. They're all too nervous to talk to her so the physicist devises a plan to work up the necessary courage. Walk half the distance from them to her, then half the remaining distance, and again, and aga...

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Kids in my neighbourhood love to play basketball

Being shitty throws, I am usually assaulted by a wild ball every time I pass by the court.

So yesterday I decided to devise a plan to prevent that. I spent the whole day at work thinking of a solution but couldn't think of any.

Then while returning home, it hit me.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

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A man finally decides to settle down...

He's been seeing 3 women casually and devises a test to see which one he will choose to be with. He gives them each $500 and watches how they use the money. The first spends it on making herself look good... But hot damn she looks good. The second buys him gifts including a watch and tie for work. T...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things: 1) You must drink one gallon of 151...

A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day h...

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital

They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.
...

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There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere. The belt contained a miniature guillotine.

Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down.

One by one, he went to each knight and shook his hea...

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A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.

The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Chr...

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[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.

However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.

It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,

“Only one man at a time and it mus...

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A German, an American and a Russian are in Prison

I love these jokes because they countries they choose always tell you something about the person telling it. In this case a Russian friend told it to me:



A German, and American and a Russian are locked up in a particularly brutal prison.



To train their guards, their j...

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[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

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It's stupid when people say God hates homosexuals

If he did, wouldn't he devise some plague to wipe them out?

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The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mou...

Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman Prison Escape...

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman are all prison inmates but have hatched an escape plan. The escape plan goes well and the three of them are outside the prison walls and running away to freedom.

About 15 minutes after their escape they realise that the prison guards are catching up to...

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An American wrestler prepares to face the Russian in the Olympics....

..... the americans coach is explaining to him to win the gold medal he must defeat the Russian. The Russia has never lost a match because he has a move called " The pretzel " every opponent trapped in the pretzel loses the match. So the wrestler and his coach devise an entire strategy devoted to av...

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A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't ris...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."
...

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

So there's a box of cheerios...

Inside the box of cereal, it's like a cereal city, and there are three layers:

1. The top layer - this is the best place for the cheerios to live. All the best houses, the best cars, the best restaurants, etc, are in this part of the box. The ritziest cheerios live here, and everything is ex...

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My mom's (a lawyer) favorite lawyer joke.

A big law firm has been catching a lot of flak for not having enough women in their firm, so they decide to hire three women and make one of them partner. So the heads of the firm go out and find three female candidates. However, they needed a way to decide which one of them to make full partner. ...

A UNIX Salesperson

A unix salesperson named Lenore

Loved her job, but loved the beach more.

She devised such a way

to combine work and play:

She sells C-shells by the seashore

A telephone company is hiring for a position digging holes for telephone poles.

Two applicants, Bob and George, come forward. They both are well qualified for the position, so the hiring manager devises a competition to see who will get the job. He says "Whoever digs the most holes with a telephone pole in it will get the job." At the end of the day, the manager asks how many t...

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr...

A farmer is walking to market

My grandpa told me this joke years ago, and it's always been one of my favorites.

A farmer is walking to the market, carrying some chickens in his bag. A man notices him, and asks him what he's selling. The farmer replies, "I was hoping to sell these chickens."

The man says, "That's gr...

Three men in a hospital

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Spaniard were all in the hospital for a bizarre sickness. After numerous weeks without any sort of change, they had decided to end their lives. The three devised a plan to get on the roof, and jump tomorrow night.

The next night, they had all reached the roof...

Sometimes I come up with a punchline so terrible...

...so contrived and unfunny, that a mob forms around me brandishing flaming torches and pitchforks.

It happens frequently enough that I've devised a getaway technique for just this type of occasion...I run to the top of the nearest hill, curl up in a ball and throw myself down the other side ...

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A rich guy had three equally beautiful girlfriends...

and decided to marry one of them. So he devised a method to decide which to marry. He gave each of them $25000 and twenty days later, the first returned it to him. "Love," she said, "using the knowledge you gave me, I invested the money and earned it all back,with interest." He thought, "Wow! She's ...

An ancient Chinese story

Long ago in ancient China, the Wong brothers ruled 2 kingdoms, side by side. Life was well, until a neighboring kingdom decided to invade both the brother's domains. Citizens were killed and villages were burned to the ground.

Desperate, the brothers turned to magic. Meeting up, they devised...

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