UPJOKE
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What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

After a tiring day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone.

When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on...

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

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A story about a pessimist, an optimist and a realist..

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the tracks.

If I take a job at a railroad...

will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

A Guy sat next to me on the train.

He pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"


I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"

What does a Rail Siding at a Marble Quarry and Lindsay Lohan have in common?

They both had a train run through them for rock.

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Signal box operative

New job


Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

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The farmer, the pig and the monkey

A farmer wanted to enter his pig in the biggest pig competition at the county fair and he figured if he shoved a cork up the pigs ass the pig couldn’t shit and it would just grow and grow.
He decided to test this out on 3 different pigs, corking them for 3 months, 6 months and 1 year respective...

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

Never underestimate the ability of someone with a one track mind

To lose his train of thought.

Ba dum tiss.

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Bobby hopped on the train and found a vacant seat.

After sitting down, he looked around the carriage and observed an attractive woman seated across from himself, reading a book titled "Sexual statistics."



A little intimidated at first, Bobby finally plucked up some courage and initiated conversation.



"Hi, that looks lik...

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the lit...

officer Training School

Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?

NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answ...

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I woke up to a cheeky blow job this morning.

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

Did you hear about the bottom who was hit by a train?

He died doing what he loved; getting railed

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

A man is watching the news

and the news anchor says that a gorilla has escaped the local zoo. Crikey the man thinks to himself as he spots a gorilla in his garden tree. He calls the zoo who send an animal catcher to come get the gorilla. He rolls into the driveway in a large van. He opens the van door and inside he has a poli...

A man is preparing to board a train.....

when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when ...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, I'm sorr...

The Train

A few months ago, my wife and I were taking a nice walk down an old dirt road during the heat of the summer day. All of a sudden, I stopped and looked around. My wife was a little hesitant as to what I was doing. I slowly moved towards the railroad tracks ahead of us and knelt down, putting my han...

What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?

Nurse Feratu

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

Three blondes are taking a walk

Three blondes are taking a walk in the woods when they come across a set of tracks.
The first girl says "Look! Deer tracks!"
The second one is like "No, those are moose tracks."
The third goes "What are you two thinking? Those are positively elk tracks.
So they continue to argue about it...

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

A man takes his service dog to the stripclub

The bouncer stops him at the door and says “We don’t normally allow animals in here, but according to the government, I can only ask what special task your dog has been trained to do, not what your disability is. So, what’s he do?”

“He takes the money to the dancer and puts it in her g-string...

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

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A mother and son are traveling together on the Northern Pacific railroad.

The boy says, "Mommy, if big cows can have little cows and big horses can have little horses and big people can have little people, then why can't big trains have little trains?"

"That's a good question. You should ask the engineer that question."

So the boy goes all the way up to the ...

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

there was a Saudi guy

Who was studying in Pennsylvania University.
His father was one of the richest Sheikh in middle East.
Everyday he comes to his college in his own Ferrari GT 250 while the others use public transport.
This makes him quite uncomfortable and sad.

One day he texts his dad and says " ...

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Physics exam…

My english is not the best but i hope yall understand:

20 Students had their final physics exam. There was one teacher in a room where he tested them each with one question that was always the same.

So the first student walks into the room and the teacher asks him: Youre in a Train and...

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

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An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the automobile told him: “Give me $10,000 cash or I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

The old man says: “Hang on, I don’t have that much cash. Let me call my son who trains dolphins.”

Old man rings his son, but before he gets to speak, the car owner grabs the phone from him and tell...

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

Did you hear about a saint who trains animals?

He taught his dog to heal

What do you call a train eating bubblegum?

A chew-chew train

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Two dudes with matching black eyes...

Two dudes with matching black eyes spot each other in a bar.

One man approaches the other and says, "I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours. How'd you get the black eye?"

The man responds, "It was a terrible mistake, really. I was trying to take the train to Pittsburgh this morni...

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…

He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the t...

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

Questions

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.One guy asked: If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest ...

A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...

The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:

\- Private, did you come here to die?

To which he responds:

\- No sir, I came here yesterday.

What do you call a train full of toffee?

a chew chew train :D

Mastering the art of building the perfect model railway, can be quite tough...

But, with a little train in. You'll soon have the perfect set up

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

Two monks are on a train

Two monks are on a train, wearing their monkly robes, and the guy sitting across from them asks, "Hey, are you guys monks?" "Why yes," one of them replies. "I'm a Jesuit, and my friend here is a Dominican." "Great!" says the guy, "I've always wondered, what is the difference between the two of you? ...

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

I used to work at a parrot training facility but I had to quit.

I couldn't take all the talking behind my back.

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

Ticket please

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting.
At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one.
When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all...

Blonde, Nun, Russian and Pole in Train

Suddenly they enter the tunnel. It is getting dark. A loud sound is heard in the darkness. At the exit, a Russian man can be seen holding his cheek. The nun thinks - the pervert touched the blonde and got slapped. The blonde thinks - the pervert was supposed to touch me, but he made a mistake, touch...

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They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work

Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

A man goes to a pet store…

A man goes to a pet store looking to buy a parrot. They have quite an impressive selection of parrots, but they’re all very expensive. He asks the store owner if they had any cheaper birds. The owner goes to the back and brings back the most beautiful scarlet macaw the man had ever seen. The owner s...

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth ju...

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around. A few days pass and the father calls the son.

\- Hows it going son? Having fun with your car?

\- No father. I am ashamed, everyone here gets around by train.

\- Dont embarrass me son....

I recently started sleeping naked...

That way people stop sitting next to me on the train.

A man struggles to not use Train metaphors

"No more!" he swore to himself. "Today's the day I finally change my one-track mind! Oh. Ok, I'll let that one go, but no more!"

He entered the meeting. Several minutes passed.

"Everyone let's try not to get off track." **Damnit! I did it again. That's the last one!**

"What I me...

Memory

A tourist was introduced to a Native American Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? " The Indian answered, "Eggs. " The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "Thirteen ...

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

Airborne training

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?"...

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says to spit our gum out, a train says choo choo choo.

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

That's 8 months of training down the drain

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

A young couple is on their shoestring budget honeymoon.

They arrive at their hotel which is right next to the train tracks. The woman lies down to rest while her husband goes out to grab something to eat.


No sooner does the woman lie down in bed, then a train thunders by, shaking the room so much that she is knocked out of bed.

She imm...

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Two friends/tourists were hiking in Australia

They were camping in a trailer and agreed to explore the country on their own, but always return to the trailer at 11 pm.

One day, one friend had already reached the trailer, but the other one was nowhere to be seen. The one who arrived waited and waited and suddenly, at 4 am, his friend arr...

What is a sneeze’s favorite mode of transportation?

Ah-choo choo train

I saw a book on obedience training for cats…

It was in the fairy-tails section.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

You DO know how Jesus came back from his crucifixion?

He'd been doing a lot of cross-training.

A Train Goes on a Crime Spree

A train goes on a crime spree. When he was finally caught he was asked why he did what he did. "I don't know, I think I went crazy, guess you could say I had loco motives...

A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City...

A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City. He steps off the train and is blown away by all the people and the tall buildings. He stands in front of one and looks up. It's the tallest building he's ever seen!

There's a guy leaning on the building. He says, "Hey buddy, you like that building...

Old lady in a train

So this very proper lady was traveling on a train when she heard behind her this conversation..

“So.. first Emma come, then I come and then 2 asses they come a together and then I come again and then 2 asses, they come a together…Pee twice then I come again”.

The proper lady turns arou...

A conversation in the train compartment of a speedtrain

"What are you chewing on all the time?"

"Apple cores."

"And what's that good for?"

"It promotes intelligence."

"I see, can you give me four of those, too?"

"Gladly. Four pieces cost eight Dollars."

The passenger pays and gets the kernels.

After chewin...

A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum

To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".

When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.

The official approaches the woman and asks: "why are...

Two blondes are

Driving along a highway when they see out the window in the middle of a field another blonde in a rowboat pulling energetically on the oars.
The first blonde turns to the other and says, "You know what its blondes like that that give us a bad name."
The second blonde responds, "I know right, i...

Back before the train was invented,

We had to run a wagon on your mom.

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

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what's the hardest part about having sex with a monkey?

training it to suck your dick without peeling it

What's the difference between a Taliban training facility and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone

What do you call a credit card riding a train?

American Express

Brave

Admiral Mc Kenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. Mc Kenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Mc Kenzie asks: "So how are your men? "Very well trained. Mc Kenzie....

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

Round on a joke app: Three engineers and three accountants take a train for a business trip.

The accountants each buy themselves a ticket, then the engineers buy one. After turning to walk away, the accountants ask the other two engineers why they didn't get one. They say they don't need em to get there. "But how will you all ride the train?" Anyway, they all board the train and the three a...

whats the difference between Amber Heard and my Dog?

My dog is potty trained.

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

A boy asks a girl to prom

On the big day of the dance, the boy has to make a few stops before he picks up his date.

The first stop is the tuxedo store. When he gets there, there is a huge line of patrons ahead of him. He waited patiently and finally was able to pick up his tux.

The next stop was the florist t...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

A general walks up to his private

"Private!"

"Yes, sir!"

"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"

"Thank you, sir!"

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and I had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

How do you sink an 'unsinkable' modern nuclear submarine?

Let the Russian Navy take it out for a training exercise in the Barents Sea.

A very talented rabbit

Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasn’t met before.

One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of t...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

A policeman is interrogating three new recruits training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first recruit a picture for five seconds and then hides it. 


“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The recruit answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, "Recruit!...

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Best left unsaid

A man walks by a pet store with a parrot sitting outside. As he walks by, the parrot says “Hey buddy, fuck you!” The man is taken aback but decides to just ignore it and go about his day.

The next week, he is walking by the same store and the parrot is still out there. As he walks by, the par...

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...

A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland"...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

There were two brothers, Bob and Joe.

One day, Bob came home from hunting with a dead bear. Joe said, "WOAH, how did you get that?"

Bob said, "It's quite simple. I see tracks, I follow tracks. I see bear, I shoot bear. Bear stop.



The next day, Bob gets a call from the hospital, telling him that Joe was in an accide...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

Escorts

Every escort I met had a different weired fetish, something I found deeply annoying.

Mainly because I trained as plumber and always hated getting the kinks out of the hose.

A girl from the country

I met a girl from the country a few months back and I think I'm in love. She is so kind and interesting. Her name is Sue named after her mother. She has a great family, they live on a farm and have all sorts of cool hobbies and jobs. She grew up riding horses and taking care of animals, doesn't she ...

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Two removal men are moving expensive vases

The old removal man is training up the young one but the young one seems a little stupid.

The old man is loading a vase into the back of the van when he hears a smash next to him. He looks over and sees a broken vase and the young man staring at a woman.

The old man says "what the hell...

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A young married woman and an older married woman sitting together on a train from Boston to New York.

As sometimes happens with strangers in such an environment, they began to discuss highly personal matters.

As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasms?”

“No,” replied the older lady, “I think we h...

Sir Topham Hatt was wrong to make Thomas a Tank Engine. He should have made him a DPS Engine.

I'm not sure if he's noticed that Thomas hits like a freight train.

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Did you hear about the Russian soldier that had the most confirmed kills in Ukraine?

Turns out he was just a poorly trained medic!

There was a group that was debating about trains.

I asked, "What's all the locommotion?"

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