A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

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An old man was sitting on a train...

across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised t...

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

A train gets struck by lightning.

There are 2 people on the train - the driver and a lady.

Who dies first to electrocution, provided the driver is a good conductor?

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

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A soldier heading home from the frontlines gets on a train

The soldier walks the length of the crowded train searching for a seat. He stops by a rich woman who has her dog sitting next to her.

The soldier speaks in a calm , tired voice, "Ma'am, can you move your dog so I can sit down?"


Offended and speaking in a high and mighty tone of vo...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed.

It's hard to keep track.

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers all bough tickets and watched as the three engineers bought one single ticket between them. "How are you three people going to
travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. 'Wait and watch,' answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The
lawyers took t...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

ME: I trained this chicken to talk.

HER: Let's hear then.

ME: What's a male deer called?

CHICKEN: Buck

ME: How much is 200 pennies worth?

CHICKEN: Buck Buck

HER: This is dumb.

CHICKEN: It gets way better, Susan.

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Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.

One of them decides to start a conversation.
“So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.”

The second man says:
“I arrived at the factory too early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.”

T...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

What kind of training to you need to become a garbage collector ?

None, you just pick it up as you go along

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So I confessed to my parents that I like trains

I told them I was Metro Sexual

Saw the ticket inspector on my train ignoring passengers and picking her nose.

I reported her for gross missed conduct.

An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.

The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window.

The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.

A few minutes later the Cuban man takes ...

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

What's the difference between trains and ambitious lunatics?

None. They're both locomotives.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

A nun, a blonde girl, a German and a Dutch sit together in a train compartment.

The train goes through a tunnel, it gets dark. A loud slap can be heard, an outcry follows it. As the darkness fades a big red mark can be seen on the Dutch guys face.

The Dutch thinks to himself "The German guy must have tried to grope the blonde, but she mistook us in the dark and hit me i...

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the clo...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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How are Egyptians, trains, and butts similar?

They've got toot in common.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

How does a train eat?

It goes CHEW CHEW

What's the difference between an ISIS training centre and a preschool?

I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

I trained myself to have lucid dreams every time I go to sleep.

It’s exactly what I imagined it to be.

An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.

Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work o...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

What do you call a grateful train?

Thomas the Thanks Engine

waiting for the train

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time....

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What do you call an optometrist in-training

A spec-u-later

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.

Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “...

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

Wonder Woman walks in on Batman and Robin's training session

Batman asks "Have I ever shown you how to do a side-kick?"

Wonder Woman shouts "BATMAN! THAT IS VERY UNPROFESSIONAL!!"

Where do bugs get off the train?

Infest-station.

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train...

So an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train, drinking and being loud together.

Dickie, Scotty and Paddy.

At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful nun get on, store their bags overhead and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the pries...

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I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’

‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.

‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly

‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said

Train operator

Before I was in the service industry I was a train operator. One day my boss told me I was a terrible train operator and asked how many trains I derailed.

I wasn't sure, it's hard to keep track.

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)

So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana....

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.



To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...

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A priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train

At one point, the priest asks the rabbi: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve often wondered if you've ever tried bacon” The rabbi admitted: “Well, I did once, out of curiosity many years ago, but never again” The priest smiled kindly: “I understand, old friend. Your secret’s safe with me” A f...

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai Lady.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:

Okay, Boomer

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I asked the woman I was sitting next to on the train, "if I could smell her feet?"

She looked at me crazy and said, "NO! That's Gross!"

So I said, "Ah must be your pussy then."

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

I trained my dog to fetch me a beer

It may not sound too impressive, but he gets them from the neighbor's fridge

My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling...

I guess you could say it was two tired!

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

What do a broken down train and a failed sneeze have in common?

There isn't a choo.

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

On a train:

“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”

“I’m so sorry “, “Harry! Stop acting stupid!”

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

What do you call a sick train?

A choo- ahchoo train.

I have a joke on trains

But it's not the right platform to share.

Loved the Korean zombie movie "Train to Busan" and can't wait for it's sequel to come out?

Then catch a train to Wuhan.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

During mandatory sensitivity training, we were asked if dumb blonde jokes were appropriate in the workplace.

Whatever you do, don't say "Isn't dumb blonde redundant?"

The U.S. Army introduced the first unit of specially trained combat rabbits

Hare Force One

How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed?

Have them use an electric blanket.

I was getting trained as a cook in a chinese restaurant

Well, it was really more of a wok through

A man and a woman were travelling on a train

They were in the same cabin


Woman:Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place



Man:Awwww.....! Are you single?



Woman:No, I am a dentist

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My boss said you need sexual harassment training

I said I already know how to sexually harass people just fine, ask your secretary.

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

Due to COVID concerns, short-lived games of Major League Baseball spring training were cancelled...

right off the bat.

Two men are sitting on the train.

One of them eats apple cores.
Another asks, "Why do you eat apple cores anyway?"
"It makes you smart."
"Can I get some, too?", The other asks again.

"Yes, of course for $5."

The man then pays 5 dollars and gets the cores and eats them completely. Later, he mumbles, "Actua...

I’ve been working hard recently training my pet dog and my pet frog

They’re coming on in leaps and bounds

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over

It was a Manuel handling course

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NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks.

He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it

The singer from the band Train has zero siblings.

Strike that, he has one sole sister

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

How many babies dose it take to stop a freight train

I don’t know I’m still counting.

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

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A man and his new hunting dog

A man is sitting at the bar of his local gun club with a few of his buddies after finishing their trap shoot. As they enjoy a cold beer, a man and his dog enter the bar. After a few minutes of pleasantries, the man with the dog says "Yea, this dog is incredible. I don't have to sit around and wait f...

There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.

The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.

They asked him what happened and he replied,

"Nothing. All happened according to plan."

The passengers were now furious, and one s...

Blondes

3 blondes were hiking when they saw some tracks. One blonde said “Wow cool, those are moose tracks”. Another said “Um no, they’re obviously elk tracks”. The third said “Are you guys stupid? They’re clearly deer tracks”. That’s when the train hit them.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

I just bought the most up to date train set there is

It even comes with a replacement bus service

So i asked my Spanish friend about the crazy pattern on the train

"Man that's a locomotive"

Why did Loki, Norse God of Trickery and Mischief, turn into a train?

I asked around and, well, no one really understands his Loki-motives.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

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Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk. After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?" The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice. While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.

When they reach their destination, they put t...

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What do toy trains and titties have in common?

They are both meant for the kids but it's usually the dad that ends up playing with them.

The train driver

A train driver crashed a train full of people and killed them. He was then put on death row for the killing of the people and for his last meal he asked for an apple
They started up the electric chair and surprisingly nothing happened. The decided luck was on his side and let him go. The next day...

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

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