So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

There once was a man who drove a train for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he w...

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, ''please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.''

But she did.

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train.

He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?

They say he had loco motives.

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An old man was sitting on a train...

across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised t...

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My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!


I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

Cross rail train line is officially being called the Elizabeth line in honour of the queen

And the shared fact it’ll take 90 years to build and cost the taxpayer billions

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

Trains

HE LOVED DRIVING TRAINS

In fact, it was his passion. Ever since he was a little boy, his dream was to drive trains. Soon after high school, he got an apprenticeship, and a little while later he got his train-driving liscence and started his career. Oh, the joy! He was having the best time of ...

So there's a guy that works driving trains in Bulgaria...

and he is a reckless driver, killing 1 person in the wreck. he goes to court, and is found guilty and gets put to the electric chair. Now, in Bulgaria, if the electric chair doesn't harm you, then it is a sign of godly intervention. requesting 1 banana for his last meal, he goes on the electric chai...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

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Four men are in a train cabin traveling across Europe.

As they travel past a village, a stewardess comes in and starts closing the blinds on the windows. One of the men asks her "Why are you closing the blinds?"

The stewardess replies "Well a couple months ago a young woman decided to run up to the hill naked and take a dump while the train passe...

What's a train's favorite Star Wars character?

Choochoobacca

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

How do you get Pikachu on a crowded train...

....you Pokemon

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

How do trains drink?

They chug

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

If you train your parrot well enough

You never have to go home to your blind wife.

What does the kid play with between the train tracks?

With his life.

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

Why do trains like gum so much?

Because they chew-chew!

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

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Boobs are like model trains

they’re made for the kids, but usually it’s the dads who end up playing with them the most

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

How do you know where the train went?

Just follow the tracks.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

Train conductor who killed a pedestrian gets asked why he didn't stop in time

'Jumper to bumper traffic you know'

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A family of Jews start up a train company. They call it...

IsRail

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

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Englishmen on a train

Heard this a long time ago, on a Lewis Grizzard comedy album. Thought you all would like it.

Two Englishmen brothers were riding the train through London when they saw a highly decorated officer in the British army sitting in the train car across from them.. The elder brother confers with t...

What it’s called when a train is in a bad relationship:

Domestic caboose.

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A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the trai...

I haven't slept all night in the train.

Friend : Why??

Sardar : I had an upper berth.

Friend : Why didn't you exchange it?

Sardar : Bcos there was no one in the lower berth to exchange with.

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

A Spaniard and a Frenchman are on a train ...

When they get to their final destination, a woman is disembarking from the train, trips, and falls down the stairs with her dress flying up as she tumbles down. The Frenchman being the realist says "C'est la vie," to which the Spaniard replies, "Yo tambien."

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

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A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

Three Russian men are sitting together in a prisoner's car of a train headed to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

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A train conductor is on death row for derailing a train and killing 50 people.

For his last meal he requested a single banana. The next day the electric chair failed to kill him, so he was let go. He later committed the same dumb fuck mistake and killed 45. Same shit, different sentence, he asked for a banana, and didn't die in the electric chair so THEY LET THE CUNT GO. The s...

I wasn't able to catch my train...

The air was so foggy that I mist it.

How do Trains eat?

They Choo-Choo.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What do you call a jewish freight train service?

Israils

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

A train conductor was arrested.

The police suspected him of murder but they didn't have any evidence. They did have motive though. They claimed that he killed his neighbor because he moved an umbrella out back and that blocked the sun light from his plant. This killed his plant and the conductor claimed that his neighbor was tr...

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains.

“If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly rep...

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

Two blondes are hiking in the woods.

They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them.

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

Because it had loco-motives.

Why did Helen Keller get run over by a train...

Because she was standing on the train tracks

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

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Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts. He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh". Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Titt...

Planned Parenthood as a train:

Conductor: “All Aboorrttttttt!”

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Pregnant woman in a train!

Pregnant lady: can I sit down in your place? I'm pregnant
Random guy: Hell no! Next time fuck someone who has a car!!

On the train.

Instead of waiting for everyone to get off, some guy jostles for the train.
An older gentleman goes to him and says:
"You lost something out there."
The guy goes out and looks around, but he doesn't find anything.
Older Gentleman: "Keep looking, it's your manners".

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Three kids were playing with a mini train station...

Three kids were playing with a mini train station and when it stopped at the station the one yelled: "All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train.

The mom came in and scollded at the boy for say a bad word and sent him...

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I was sitting next to a girl on the train and i started a conversation with her...

Me: "hi what's your name?

Girl: "hello, I'm Rebecca...what's yours?"

Me: "Richard, but my friends call me Dick"

Girl: "that's strange... How do you get Dick from Richard?"

Me: "just ask politely"

The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train...

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

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If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

Did you hear about the guy that got hit by a train?

He didnt hear the end of it

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

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Two men sit across from each other on a train...

...both with black eyes. Seeing the coincidence, one guy says to the other:
"Hey, I see we both got black eyes here, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy responds:
"Well, I was in the train station getting a ticket, and the teller was a gorgeous lady with huge knockers. I got flu...

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American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

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What's the difference between XXXTentacion and a train?

A train is missed when it's gone

President Donald Trump and his bodyguard take a train ride around America.

Trump says “You know, Bobby, I’ve learned a ton about the people in my years in office. I can identify the state we’re in just by sticking my hand out!”

“I honestly doubt that, sir.” Bobby replies.

Trump opens the window, sticks his hand out, and pulls it back in a second later.
...

The train driver.

Once upon a time there was a guy that was very passionate about trains ever since he was a little kid.

So no one was surprised that once he grew up he became a train conductor.

However as much as he loved trains he was really terrible at driving them.

Sadly, one day he caused a ...

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.



I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar wit...

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How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

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Four people in the carriage of a train

...an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark ...

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