When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?

I said, “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track.”

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

I was talking to an Irish guy on the train.

He told that back in his hometown once he had met the most wealthiest man in all of Ireland.

I said "Oh, really?"

He said, "No, O'Reilly!"

A tall guy rushed in front of an elderly woman on the train to take the last seat. The woman shouted, “What a mean guy!”

But he was clearly above average

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Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk. After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?" The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice. While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.

When they reach their destination, they put t...

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.Woman : Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Awwww ... Are you single?

Woman: No. I'm a dentist.

A married couple are on a train and in a fight

The fight has become so bad that they aren't talking to each other.

This continues until the train goes past a farm with a lot of cows on it.

Then the first says: "Look that's your family, right?"

To which the other answers: "Yep, in-laws."

Why are trains always put in insane asylums?

Because they have loco-motives

Never trust a train.

They have loco motives.

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

What do you call a deer with guerrilla training?

Ram-doe

What sound does an organic train make?

CH3COOH CH3COOH

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

A young man and an elderly woman are travelling by train...

...and the old woman, after looking closely at the young man, leans forward and says "Excuse me, young man, are you Jewish?". And he looks up from the book he is reading and politely replies "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."

A few minutes later the old woman leans forward again and says "Excuse me...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

Why didn't the Tenth Doctor like potty training as a kid? [spoiler I guess?]

He didn't want to go.

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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted.

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

What does a fat train say?

A chubba chubba chew chew

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

Did you hear about the Jedi who gave up all his training to become a plumber?

He went over to the darkside of the faucet

I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.

I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?

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My boss told be there would be a training seminar about sexual innuendo in the workplace and asked me to invite my secretary.

I left her a post it note saying if she couldn’t come I’d happily fill her slot for her.

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

If getting on a train is alighting

Then getting it off must be delighting

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

My Drill Sergeant said, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning”

I said, “Thank you sir”

A man stood on the foot of a woman on a train

Man2: hey! You stood on the foot of my wife. I want a compensation!

Man1: no problem. My wife is the blonde in the second row!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?

Because he had a loco-motive.

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

What’s the difference in a teacher and a train

Teachers say “Spit your gum out.”

While trains say “CHEW CHEW CHEW!”

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Training for a marathon can be hard work

But it'll be good for you in the long run.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

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A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?

A chew-chew train

A brunette picks up her blonde friend from the train station

She notices the side of her blonde friend is bleeding.

The brunette asks, "What happened to your head?"

The blonde responds, "Like there was nail sticking to the side of the train where I was sitting, everytime there was a bump or change, my head would hit against the nail to a point w...

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An old man was sitting on a train...

across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised t...

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!


I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

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My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

Why is priest training so hard?

The devil is in the details.

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A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the trai...

There's not really any training for garbagemen.

They just pick things up as they go.

A corporal and a colonel shared a train car on their way back from the front...

"Do you see that field?" intoned the colonel. "In that field I led a charge, and when my great white steed was shot out from under me, I had to carry on by foot."

Time passed, and eventually the corporal replied, "Do you see that rock, Sir? I was banging a farmer's daughter behind that rock...

Sales training!

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why woul...

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

Trains

HE LOVED DRIVING TRAINS

In fact, it was his passion. Ever since he was a little boy, his dream was to drive trains. Soon after high school, he got an apprenticeship, and a little while later he got his train-driving liscence and started his career. Oh, the joy! He was having the best time of ...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

My uncle killed a monk in training

It was premeditated

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Cross rail train line is officially being called the Elizabeth line in honour of the queen

And the shared fact it’ll take 90 years to build and cost the taxpayer billions

I've trained the dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It's a Bordeaux collie

So there's a guy that works driving trains in Bulgaria...

and he is a reckless driver, killing 1 person in the wreck. he goes to court, and is found guilty and gets put to the electric chair. Now, in Bulgaria, if the electric chair doesn't harm you, then it is a sign of godly intervention. requesting 1 banana for his last meal, he goes on the electric chai...

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

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A black and white guy are training at the gym.

After their training session they hit the changing room and undress.

The white guy can’t help but look at the black guys penis size and remarks, “How did you get it so big?”

He replies, “It’s a muscle so when I go home, I put on a warm bath, get inside and begin to stretch it by tuggi...

I spent a lot of money on focus training.

Maybe I just should have paid attention.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

What's a train's favorite Star Wars character?

Choochoobacca

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

How do trains drink?

They chug

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Four men are in a train cabin traveling across Europe.

As they travel past a village, a stewardess comes in and starts closing the blinds on the windows. One of the men asks her "Why are you closing the blinds?"

The stewardess replies "Well a couple months ago a young woman decided to run up to the hill naked and take a dump while the train passe...

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Boobs are like model trains

they’re made for the kids, but usually it’s the dads who end up playing with them the most

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

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A group of train drivers go on strike.

This is authorised industrial action from there union, as the company were making cutbacks to the safety equipment. However a lot of them have nothing to do, so decide that there should a be a party somewhere. This issue is no one can decide where.

Eventually, the union rep stands up and says...

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they
accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they...

If you train your parrot well enough

You never have to go home to your blind wife.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and ol’ Jess the sheepdog is getting on in years, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding...

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster.

There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.

The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.

The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.

"That's what you'd call ...

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

How do you get Pikachu on a crowded train...

....you Pokemon

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

what is ginger ale on train-tracks?

ginger-rail

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

Why do trains like gum so much?

Because they chew-chew!

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Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's compone...

To the person who stole my training shoes and hi-viz jacket.

You can run but you can't hide.

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