UPJOKE
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Or Else Jokes

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

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Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son to stop masturbating or else he'll go blind?

His son said, "Dad, I'm over here."

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

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My mum always told me to lock the doors or else robbers are going to take away everything I have

Guess who'll lose his virginity tonight

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!"

"You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

Did you hear about the French gym where you have to bring them a baguette or else they won’t let you in?

They have “No le pain, no gain” policy.

While in North Korea they abducted Trump, and demanded the US give them a billion dollars or else . . . .

they would give him back.

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point

Mountain Climbing Joke

A politician, 3 doctors, and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt. Everest.
They arrive there and started the long way up the tallest climb on Earth.
It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up.
Half way into the climb, the rope starts to break. <...

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

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What does one saggy boob say to the other?

We better perk up or else people will say we are nuts!

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A guy is driving down a long road one night.

All of a sudden a little green man jumps Infront of his car, forcing him to stop.
The little man goes up to the window and says "I'm the asshole green dwarf, give me a lime or else!" The man is flustered and says "But I don't have a lime".
The dwarf breaks his driver side mirror and runs away....

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.

So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central a...

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I have a friend who grew up in the USSR.

He says they only had 2 channels on the tv. Channel 1 was just soviet propaganda, talking about how amazing stalin was, and channel 2 was a KGB agent telling you to switch the fuck back to channel 1 or else.

A man is caught with the car full of penguins

the policeman says: "you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!", the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins.

The cop says: "didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?". The man replies: "I took ...

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

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An attractive blonde was failing math class...

She approached the professor, distraught, and asked if she could speak with him.

He, of course, was eager to assist.

She then sat down, and started to explain ...

'Professor, when I was 8, my appendix burst and they had to take it out.

I then wrecked my bike and they had...

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...

when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have ...

This is a hijack!

"This is a hijack! Divert this plane to California immediately or else!"

"But we already are going to California!"

"Damn, we got on the wrong plane!"

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.

Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”

After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
...

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Justice must be served cold.

Or else it would be justwater or justeam.

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

I was being mugged the other day...

The guy said, "Give me all your money or else you're biology!"
I said, "Don't you mean history?"
He told me "Don't change the subject!"

A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walk...

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine

I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.

Job searching is a lot like dating

Every company wants you to give them unique compliments when you're being interviewed or else they don't think you mean it.

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

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A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said...

A Priest and a Rabbi Go Golfing...

A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing. On the first hole, the Rabbi swings and misses, yelling, "Goddammit, I missed!" The Priest chastises him in response, telling him "Don't say that, or else God will strike you down."

They go to the next hole, and the same thing happens. The Rabbi yells "Goddamm...

How is crossing the road like music?

You better C# or else you'll B♭!

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

lil Jimmy asks and answers

Lil Jimmy asks mommy "why were you doing bouncing up and down on Daddys stomach last night..?

Mommy says "I have to do that Lil Jimmy it helps keep daddy skinny or else he gets real fat.."

Lil Jimmy says "well thats not going to work.."

and mommy asks "well why not...?"

a...

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

You really wanna know?

A cowboy just arrived at a bar, “one whiskey please” he says. The bartender delivers and the cowboy says “and make sure not to go near my horse or else I’ll do what I did last time it was stolen” “what did you do?” asks the bartender “do you really wanna know?” The cowboy asks. After some time the ...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are on a wonderful island and suddenly god appears

God says you must say something that is true in order to stay on the island, or else you will be teleported back to the city

The redhead says”oh that’s easy, I think I am the smartest person in the entire wor-“

POOF she disappears

The brunette says “ok, I think I am the most ...

"Son, stay out of strip clubs"

My dad once told me to never go inside a strip club or else I might regret doing it for the rest of my life. So of course I went in. Who wouldn't.

He was right.

I saw my dad.... stripping

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

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Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. But he was born with no ears.

Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"

The baby's mom said it was perfect.

Johnny ...

I finally landed my dream job as a palaeontologist

It took years of studying and hard work, but I've never been happier.

As I excavated a new find from the ground, a mother and her young son passed by. She pointed at me and told him, "This is why you need to do well at school and get a good job, or else you'll spend the rest of your life digg...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

At this point I feel that there's probably nothing self-incriminating in his tax returns.

Or else Donald J. Trump or Junior would have tweeted it out to the public.

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