A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

I don't mean to brag, but...

cashiers are always checking me out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with

She said, "yeah, before you it was mostly sevens or eights..."

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

&nbsp;

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

But 99% of you wouldn't get it...

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m no longer a 32 year old virgin!

Happy birthday to me!...

::sniffle::

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding!

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I'll let you know.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke now

But you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

I ****ing love asterisks!

Seriously. I swear by them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night.

That’s the closest to healthcare coverage I’ve had since I was 26.

cries in American

What I if told you

What if I told you you read the title wrong

I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me already!" she screamed.

She could yell all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella.

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice.

Looking back...

It was a bad idea.

The English language can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

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"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."

"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

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I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate.

If you can’t come let me know.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

I have been looking for my wife’s killer for years now

Sadly no-one will take the job

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I tripped over my girlfriends bra.

I think it was a booby trap..

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

In the beginning

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down Into that valley."Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God...

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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I saw my dwarf of a neighbour at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I offered.

"Fuck off!" He yelled.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept walking.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

Ted Cruz almost made America great again....

...but then the idiot came back

If I’m reading their lips correctly,

my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

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So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end.. (Nsfw)

So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end. . . I slide on down over to her and we start talking.

After a while of chatting and a few rounds I said "Listen honey, I was wondering if after we finish these drinks, you'd like to come bac...

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

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