A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85.

That's why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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Nsfw.. I apolagised to my wife during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

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Hey, I bet you're still a virgin.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly ...

I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet…

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

Officer: I’m arresting yoh for illegally downloading the entire wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything!

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

I have two unwritten rules.

1.

2.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

My wife asked my if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said "I didn't know he could!".

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...

That we have health insurance.

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”

I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.


It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

I organized a threesome last week.

There were a couple of no shows, but I did alright.

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican coworkers.

It means a lot to them.

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.

I tried to warn him about playing Russian roulette.

But it went in one ear and came out the other.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect ten but sadly, she’s imaginary.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

I like my coffee how I like my men. I don’t like coffee.

Kidding, I liked it in college.

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I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who’s responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man!!” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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I have a dick joke

I promise it's a short one

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

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I came home one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck? You carry on like this you ain't gonna

have any friends left.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with. She said yes

All the others were nines and tens.

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It’s a step by step guide.

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

I asked 50 Cent for some advice

Now he is 48 Cent

On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said “I’m worried about what’s going on with you”.

What’s weirder is they think my name is “Crane”.

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My wife and I usually have sex doggy style

My wife and I usually have sex doggy style.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

I took my girl to starbucks..

Cause i forgot her name

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their greatest hits.

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81

He said, "no".

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

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If I become Pope, the first thing I will do is

shit in the woods

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive

they’d eventually find me attractive.

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...

So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."

I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"

He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So, I brought her nothing.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

I just found out I'm a millionaire!

I converted my paycheck to rubles.

I'm saying goodbye to r/jokes for a little while.

My wife says I'm on Reddit every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice. So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once addicted to masturbation…

But I finally beat it.

I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth delivery.

It should be called takeout instead.

I'm 16 and my GF is 58

Honestly, I think my grandfather (GF) is too young. What do you guys think?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I groaned, "No..."

"Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

I've learned that "Chicken Kiev" is a misnomer

There's nothing chicken about them.

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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you.”

“Okay shoot"

“What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

“I dunno"

“A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

“I dunno"

*CLICK*

I used to miss Mitch Hedberg...

I still do, but I used to as well.

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I won a million dollars and donated a quarter of it to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why people think homosexuality is contagious

If it was I'd definitely have caught it by now, after having sex with so many men

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

When I found out my toaster was not waterproof...

I was SHOCKED

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " what? No bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

I heard about a new restaurant named karma

But they have no menu
They said you get what you deserve

I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don’t do it to help others.

The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I’m everyone’s type.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to join the Yakuza, but I got it mixed it up with “Jacuzzi”.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

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When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me becau...

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1) How to tell this to my wife

2) Where to find a 1 year old baby

I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree.

He said grow a pear.

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

So i broke up with my blind girlfriend through a Braille message.

She couldn't believe her fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold!




Sorry if its a repost.

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

I advertised a python for sale in the paper

a man rang up and said “What size is it?”
I replied “It’s quite big”

“How many feet?” he asked,

“None, it’s a snake...”

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I’m no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

I grilled a chicken for 2 hours...

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

People keep saying chivalry is dead. But, I looked up the definition of chivalry and it has little to do with manners and it is more about knights and combat.

The other day when I didn't open the classroom door for a girl in my class, she said that chivalry is dead. So, I challenged her to a duel.

To conclude, chivalry is not dead. But, that girl is.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

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