This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an old man dip his balls into glitter

It was pretty nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub is doing even better!

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

I just bought a racehorse.

I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.


Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

I have a dig bick

You that read wrong.


You read that wrong too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

My dogs hair was getting long so I told my friend about it

He told me to go to the groomers

I don’t see how the pope is gonna help

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate.

If you can't come, let me know.

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

People are astonished when they see the tattoo that I got in Madrid

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

I like my coffee how I like my slaves.

Free.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

I have a vaccine joke

… but a lot of people won’t get it!

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

I walk into a bar

**Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?**

**Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.**

**Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.**

**Bartender: Three dollars.**

**Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?**

**Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowerca...

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia\*

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

I started dating a girl who loves soccer

She’s a keeper

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

I just watched a great documentary on Cocaine.

I think I’m going to watch all my documentaries this way now.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

You know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!"

I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

If I apply for a job at a railroad...

Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most.

Terrific I said, I would love 300k.

I need some Cyanide!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."              

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husba...

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom! I'm a 3d printer!

Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you poop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

I use BMW to go to work

Bus

Metro

Walk

I’m terrified of elevators.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France.

I fell.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

it was the least i could do for the poor fella

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

e: "Why did you marry me?" My wife: "Because you are so funny". Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

When I die, I hope it’s peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

I'm horrible at funerals.

Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when ...

I met a fellow fetishist at the shoe store last week

We really got off on the right foot

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.