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I Jokes

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I think the most patriotic part of the entire Super Bowl was Rihanna’s halftime performance

Because there’s nothing more American than for a woman to work while she’s pregnant.

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”

i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring

But it did have a nice arc

"Dad, can I borrow $10 worth of bitcoin?"

"Borrow $11.62? ... What the hell do you need $7.45 of bitcoin for?"

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

I dreamed I was invisible and I married an invisible woman

I'm not sure what we saw in each other
 
 
 
 
Our kids were nothing to look at either

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

I hate being schizophrenic

So do I

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

My wife told me I have no sense of direction.

Where is this coming from?

I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though

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I heard the grim reaper is bisexual…

Apparently, Death comes for us all.

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

I always tell the punchline first.

Why am I so bad at telling jokes?

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

I stand behind Alec Baldwin

It's far safer than standing in front of him.

I now identify as invisible

Although I was born visible, I am now trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

So I arranged a threesome last weekend

obviously there were 2 no shows, but we still had a good time.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

My Dr. told me I was going deaf.

That was really hard to hear.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

I found a woman tied to railway tracks...

Like some old Western TV show. So, I untied her and took her home. Before long we were in bed. The whole night was incredible, we did it, 8, 9 times, I was exhausted.

I went to the bar and told all my friends about it..they were green with envy. They asked if she was a good looking woman.
...

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

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I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules

It’s okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.

We always have a joint birthday party.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day..

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

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My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

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Doctor Doctor. I think I'm going deaf.

Can you describe the symptoms?

Yeah.....Homer's a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair.

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."

the vowels."

Friend: "Why?"

Me: "Sometimes."

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago

it stihl works

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

Last night I had a dream that I was weightless..

I was like 0mg!

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

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I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

I decided to give up complaining for Lent.

It sucks.

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop and nobody came.

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

I like my camgirls like I like my French fries.

Steaming hot and covered in oil.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville?

Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort.

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I accidentally sent my nudes to everyone in my address book

It was so embarrassing and it cost me a fortune in stamps!

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

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I’m bisexual

I’ve had sex twice

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know what comes first.

I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home

She said I'm on my menstrual cycle, I said that's okay I'll follow you on my Honda

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

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First time I had sex I thought

'Mmm, this feels expensive'

[first day as a bartender] Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry

Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know why

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

I don't trust stairs

they're always up to something

I struggle with Roman numerals...

Until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX

I knew a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me.....

but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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I just listened to a Michael Jackson album

It was Bad to be honest

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

I was arrested for smoking a bunch of weed and plucking my eyebrows.

They charged me with high tweezin'

I wrote a guide about dating guys with small d!cks.

It's called "He's not that into you."

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

"Just ignore them!”

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down

I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.


Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My partner and I had sex for seven days and seven nights.

I was a little sore, but it made her whole week!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

As I get older I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself,

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Someone asked me if I knew who Pavlov was…

I said, “No, but his name rings a bell.”

I recently joined a nudist colony

The first few days were the hardest.

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

I tried to hit on an IT woman

After three attempts she locked me out.

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was addicted to masturbating but now I’m addicted to sex

Think it’s safe to say that my addiction got out of hand

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

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