Otherwise Jokes - 86 Hilarious Otherwise Jokes

Otherwise

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Otherwise

You might think this post sucks.
But the title says otherwise

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.

(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

A doctor offers $100 if he can't cure your illness, otherwise you'll pay him $50.

A guy sees the sign and enters the clinic hoping to fool the doctor and easily make a hundred dollars.

"Doctor, I don't have my sense of taste!" says the guy.

"Here drink this." as the doctor hands him a tiny vial filled with unknown liquid.

The guy drinks from it and immediatel...

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

I'm a robot. Don't try to tell me otherwise

My mind is made up.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

We always feel time passing forward and in a straight line and never otherwise

Because the history is written by the vector.

I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

Make sure to pay your Exorcist on time, because otherwise...

...They'll repossess your home.

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

Seen at the dispensary today....If you have to cough, please do it far away. Otherwise you may be asked

To far cough

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I remember my seventh grade teacher telling me "All jokes have to have a punchline, otherwise they aren't funny."

I guess she was right.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

I need assistance reddit. I work with kids and need jokes puns and otherwise for fall and Halloween.

The more groan worthy the better. Once i have enough i will put them in a box/ bag appropriately named the "monster box" since it looks like a green monster.

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?

Because otherwise the sheep would hear the zipper.

Pro Tip: If you are going to the gym, always carry a banana with you.

Otherwise it’s a fruitless exercise.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

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What did the one saggy boob say to other saggy boob?

"We need some support soon. Otherwise, people will start to think we're nuts".

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

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“I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we’re doing a story on people who solicit teenagers for sex. If you have anything you’d like to add to this conversation, go ahead. Otherwise you’re free to go.”

“Yeah, actually, if you could vote for me in the Alabama senate race that would be awesome.”

Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

Some people are wise

Some people are otherwise

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It's only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan...

Otherwise it's just plane suicide.

Miss Prussy

There’s a high school teacher named Miss Prussy who would always remind her students to “don’t forget the ‘r’!” because it would be otherwise awkward/offensive.

25 years later at a class reunion a former student spotted Miss Prussy and said “i know you! You’re Miss…” and before he can finish ...

Why did Jesus change St Peter’s name?

Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

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A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

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Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?

Because otherwise, it’s ***FUCKING RAW!!!***

The curious case of Sherlock Holmes

We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.

Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.

She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"

Sherlock h...

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

ghandi's advice

so Ghandi is giving out some free advice and a woman goes up to him and asks him to tell her son to stop eating chocolate. Ghandi says, "okay come back in a week and I will give him some advice." So after a week the woman comes back to Ghandi and Ghandi tells the kid, "Stop eating chocolate." The wo...

You can tell that the toothbrush was created by the English

Otherwise it would be called a teethbrush

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

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The number 8 walks into a therapists office

The number 8 walks into a therapists office and says to the doctor I won’t lie down otherwise we will be here forever

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

If you want to be judgemental, you have to be a judge

Otherwise you're just mental.

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

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If life gives you lemons…

you better hope it gives you sugar and water too because otherwise lemonade tastes like shit.

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

You can recycle an old brassiere into a face mask. It is important to remember to only use the left cup...

otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.

Real pandas come from the Pandeaux region of France.

Otherwise they’re just sparkling patrol car bears.

Just the punchline

r/jokes is full of good humor … and a lot of reposts. This thread is for redditors to post the punchlines of their favorite jokes, and others can put in the jokes, otherwise comment, or just say 42 or whatever.

Go!

Why are bananas curved?

Otherwise the peel wouldn't fit!

A priest is on a plane

A stewardess aproaches him and asks:

Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."

Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"

Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"

Priest: "...

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

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Doctor: You really have to stop masturbating!

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Otherwise I can‘t do the examination.

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom.
"Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".
A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again...

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