How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks.

Please I really need that heart transplant

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

What the Hellmann?

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

If someone from Holland married a Filipino...

Would their kids be Hollapinos?

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

Ask someone: What sound does a dead duck make?

Then just stare at them silently until they get it.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how to feel about that

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone in my apartment rearranged all of the buttons on the elevator

That was wrong on so many levels

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

How can you tell if someone is blind?

Their alphabet goes:
ABDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say if you love someone set them free

I’m never letting the kids in my basement out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who pays for sex?

buysexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.


They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.


Their first night there, she undressed as he did.


There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthd...

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell someone is a vegan?

They won’t fucking shut up about it.

I have only one shot to be found, hope someone sees this.

Dammit, wrong flare!

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

If someone stabs me, I stab them back, no questions asked

The surgeon had some questions though

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Someone asked me why I procrastinate so much.

I said I’d tell them later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone puts a baguette in their anus?

A pain in the arse.

What do you call someone who always states the obvious?

Someone who always states the obvious

What if someone were to steal the Large Hadron Collider?

It would be a matter of 'great con-CERN'.

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who starts their own cow poop business?

An entre-manure

What is someone who steals from campers charged with?

Criminal intent

Someone told me I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people..

I was on the street, and saw someone making a black panther joke

Wakanda person does he think he is?

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is

I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my room.

I didn't know what to make of it.

Bilbo Baggins woke up in the morning and heard someone singing “Don’t Stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who masturbates to the hosts on OAN?

A Q-cummer

What is green, hairy and if it fell on someone it would kill them?

A pool table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's attracted to circles?

pi-sexual

I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache

And suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

What do you call someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt?

An organ donor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who robs a store with a doorknob?

An armed knobber.

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Covid earlier...

...but they were wearing a mask so I didn't catch it.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

I live my life the same as someone riding a dolphin

On porpose

Someone has taken all of our pens at work

I hope this is not the start of a pendemic

What do you call someone who spoils tv shows?

A serial killer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between someone that had one sexual experience and someone that had none?

On average, 10 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little.

On Mondays - Thursdays, i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer. Being a stripper is challenging.

Someone stole all the grass from the front of my house!

I guess it's time to call the lawn enforcement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who only likes woman?

A vagetarian

What do you call someone that doesn't like lying in bed?

A liar.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

My wife always said, "If anything ever happens to me I want you to meet someone new."

Turns out that her getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything".

Why should you never kill someone at the circus?

Because you'll be charged with murder within tent...

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

What do you call a noodle pretending to be someone else

An impasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is lying in bed with his wife when suddenly someone yells from outside: "Look, he's fucking your wife!"

He quickly turns around in bed only to see her sleeping by his side, and really deep at it. He chooses to ignore it and goes on to sleep.
Just as he was taking asleep, the same voice yells again: "Look, he's really fucking your wife!"

Again, he turns but she's still sleeping, nothing looks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at the door.

**A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to th...

What do you call someone who goes to bars to find potential new partners?

A bar-tinder.

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

What do you call the conniption someone has after they lose bigly?

A trumper tantrum.

How do you know if someone can't hold their liquor?

They bring a coaster.

I love my wife but I've been seeing someone else...

...leaving through the back door as I get home every day.

I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house?

I was de-lighted!

Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they...

don't mean their asthma pump.

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What makes someone full of crap and not give a shit?

Constipation

Someone asked the early Carl Jung if he felt like an "old soul" he replied

"Not at all I'm 25 years Jung"

What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal?

The groom

Don't think of me as someone who's "hard to work with..."

Just imagine yourself playing against me on "expert mode."

The last time i was someone's type ...

was when i donated blood

What happens if someone throws a computer at you?

It mega hurts...

I'll leave now sorry

How do you politely tell someone to shut up?

“Thank you Vice President Pence.”

Show me someone who enjoys procrastinating more than me.

I'll wait.

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

How do you know if someone went to Harvard?

If they did they would’ve already told you about it

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

What do you call someone from Slytherin House who is really into French pastry?

Draco Mille-feuille.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someones coming

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow

So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's really nice in person, but an asshole on the internet?

An asshole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Did you hear about the mycologist who knowingly sold someone bad mushrooms?

Yep, he didn't have any morels.

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

Anyone out here want to help someone I know kill her husband?

Baskin for a friend.

If someone with great focus killed a president that happened to have ADHD, what would that person be called?

*A concentraitor*

And probably a political assassin by a jury of their peers.

*But concentraitor tho*

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

What do you call someone without any shins?

Tony

Vomiting in someone else’s house is pretty impolite, but projectile-vomiting in their house...

...is really beyond the pail.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

Someone asked me what I gained by going on Reddit everyday.

I replied, "Weight."

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

What happens when someone with a tiny voice gets angry?

^ᵗʰᵉʸ ^ʸᵉˡˡ ^ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ^ˡᵒᵘᵈᵎ

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