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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 54 seconds

Poor bastard.

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

What do you call someone who’s fed up with people?

A cannibal.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

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8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you

Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature

I’d have so many hotwheels

Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss?

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss?

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

What do you call someone obssessed with French culture?

A ouiboo.

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Whenever I hear someone say that stories change slightly when re-told by different people

I wonder what exactly happened to Jesus Christ.

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

I recently started seeing someone!

The doctor has since put me on medication.

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Someone stole my antidepressants...

Whoever they are I hope they are happy.

Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

What do you call someone who is attracted to Hispanic boys?

A Pedrophile.

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

What do you do when someone tells you they’re cold?

Tell them to stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

Whenever someone yells out “nailed it”.

I yell back “just like the romans”.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

If I got a dollar every time someone says I'm handsome, I'd have one dollar.

Thanks mom!

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

What do you call someone who beats it to pictures of cheese?

A feta-shist!

What do you call someone who is quick with a pun?

Pun-ctual

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A desserter

A little boy got a watch for his birthday. Someone said, "That's a pretty watch you've got there, does it tell you the time?"

He said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch... you have to look at it!"

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me I'm super vague

Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore

How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

If you love someone, set them free.

Keeping people tied to a wardrobe in the spare room rarely ends in happiness

In an insane asylum one night, someone cried "I am John Lennon!"

His caretaker said, "How do you know?" The patient said, "God told me!" Just then, his roommate shouted,
"I did not!"

My wife recently confessed that while she still loves me, she has fallen in love with someone else as well. I want what’s best for her, so after many long talks, I said I thought they should get married as well.

I thought that was mighty bigamy.

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

What do you call someone with 6 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears?

Ugly

how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher when talking to you?

That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like batman.

How do you greet someone with Parkinson's?

What's shakin'?

Someone died last night

Now we're in morning.

Someone pretending to be a painter told a very convincing story and stole your Mexican food. What happened?

You’ve been hit by a chili-con-artist

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

Where do you bury someone with OCD?

In a symmetry.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

Someone stole my wife's credit card

I didn't report it stolen because the thief was charging less than her.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

Be very careful if someone offers you fries, gravy, and cheese curds with raspberries on top.

I’ve heard of people trying to poison raspoutine.

What do you call someone who is slowly quitting medication?

A weaner.

Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I’m a terrible lifeguard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

A music joke someone made in my composition class. How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

You know because she has her fist up your ass.

What do you call someone after you just kicked them in the balls?

Numbnuts

Would you go to someone’s funeral if they didn’t come to yours?

Well, would you?

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

What do you call someone who posts on Vimeo?

A victim of YouTube's broken copyright system.

Someone figured out my password

Sucks, now i gotta rename my dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

I told someone that I liked lollygagging in my free time at work.

There are FBI agents outside. Please send help.

What do you call it when someone accidentally admits to juicing?

A roidian slip

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

Someone again stole 40% of my dough.

ugh.

What do u say to someone who asks where u see yourself in a year?

Sorry I don't have 20-20 vision

What do you call someone hanging around musicians?

A drummer

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

Do you know someone who can fit all the animals in a ship?

I noah guy

Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

What’s the best way for a tailor to get someone’s attention?

A hem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who really needs to take a dump

They're full of shit

How do you call someone who often comments "reeeeee"?

Reactive

What's the fastest way to someone's heart?

Heart surgery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

Can someone explain what wooosh is?

It just keeps going over my head.

Someone has a card pin code of 7541

and now that person is feeling uncomfortable

Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.

They should really invest in a ball...

Someone told me I have a hard time picking up on social cues

I think shes in love with me

Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

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Someone told me opium was made out of ground rooster beaks.

But that's poppycock.

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