The 137+ Best Someone Jokes

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

can someone tell me what LGBTQ means?

I can't get a straight answer

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

I was dating someone with a lazy eye, but I broke up with her...

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, shoot!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

Someone asked President Biden, "Boxers or briefs?"

He said, "Depends."

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone

It’s either terrible news or great news

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I'm English.

Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula

The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

If someone wants to say the word "motel" backwards

Just letom.

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, ...

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

Nobody knows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero.

I donate five, and get arrested?

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

Someone just stole my thesaurus

I have no words to describe how I feel.

Looking to hire someone to change the channel and volume on my tv.

Must be able to work remote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone’s Coming!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

What do you call someone who dyes their hair orange?

Transginger

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

I told a joke about the Oceangate submersible today, and someone told me it was too dark.

To which I replied, “Well, yeah…it’s two-and-a-half miles underwater.”

What do you call someone with a doctorate in carbonated beverages?

A *fizz*ician

Can someone get circumcised at any age

Or is there a cutoff date?

Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words

I said "bad at counting"

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is there a term for when someone poops in the reservoir?

No?

Well shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

I can always tell if someone is Canadian.

I’ve got eh-dar

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

If you ever meet someone that you just don't like, try walking a mile in their shoes...

At least that way, you'll be a mile away from them - and they'll have no shoes to run & catch you with.

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?

You are a total British person saying the word "can't."

What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

Someone Stole My Mood Ring

and I don’t know how I feel about that.

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

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