Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

How do you know if someone owns a Tesla?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Next time you hear someone fart - tell them someone is talking shit behind their back!

You’re welcome!

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.

I said, “What the hellmann?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its all shit and giggles

Until someone giggles and shit

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

Why shouldn’t you bother someone who collects bitcoins?

Because they’re mining their own business

"May you live a hundred years!"

A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

I asked my coworker what happens when we die?

"They hire someone else," my coworker replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

“Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your f...

I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week.

Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..

3 bottles of red wine

3 bottles of white wine

2 bottles of champagne

1 bottle of vermouth

4 bottles of vodka

1 bottle of Hennessy

Finally one can of cat food

...when he suddenly hears a man...

What do you call someone that hates massages?

Massage-ynistic

Cultural appropriation makes me want to punch someone

But I can't because I'm not Irish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

A joke for my cake day

Someone stole my mood ring.



I don't know how I feel about that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman was struggling to have sex with her boyfriend.

After another night of failure, she calls her doctor to set up an appointment.

The receptionist listened to her story and says, "I can fit you in next week."

She replies, "That's what I told him, but I'd still like to talk to someone."

A man is taking a stroll through Central Park…

… when he finds a lamp on the ground. Curious, the man picks it up and rubs it - and a genie appears! The genie, however, apologizes - after millennia of wear and tear, he can only grant one wish, and what’s worse is that it can only be one of three options.

The first is to be the most attrac...

Someone really needs to start a procrastination club

Maybe I'll get around to doing that tomorrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Last time when I was in someone’s type

Last time when I was in someone’s type was when I was donating blood….

What do you call it when someone inhaled cheese?

Brie-thing

As someone with Alzheimers i will prove to you we can tell funny jokes.

As someone with Alzheimers i will prove to you we can tell funny jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

Plato absentmindedly bumps into someone walking down the street.

He hands him a book and says, "Please accept my Apology".

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

What's that term?

Where you get pleasure from someone else's pain?

Schadenfreude

What if you are the source of their pain?

Family

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

If someone performs an excorcism on you, and you dont have money to pay them...

Do you get repossessed?

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Johnny raises his hand in class and asks, “Teacher do you think someone should get in trouble for something they didn’t do?”

The teacher responds, “Of course, not!”

Johnny: “Oh, good. I didn’t do my homework.”

Where do you take someone injured in a Peek a Boo accident?

To the ICU.

Someone tried to send me an NFT of Mr. Ed

But I know better than to look a GIF horse in the mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist was lying on his deathbed with his comrades all around him.

He wanted to confess before dying.

"Misha, remember in 1921 when you were almost executed? It was me. I reported you to the Cheka. I'm sorry"

"All is forgiven, Comerade", Misha replies

"Petya, remember in 1937 when you were sentenced to 25 years of gulag? Well, it was I who went...

I asked people what the Q in "LGBTQ" stands for.

Fortunately someone gave me a straight answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Telling a joke is like cheating on someone.

Trying to explain it just makes it worse.

I don’t want to kink shame Kyle Rittenhouse, but…

…whenever he shoots someone, he gets off.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like construction

You can choose the DIY option but you’re never truly satisfied but it’s better in the long run if done by someone with experience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

What do you call it when a chickpea kills someone?

Hummus-cide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with a 10 foot crocodile walks into a bar...

The bartender yells, "hey you can't bring that in here, it might bite someone!" The guy says, "ah, he's harmless, watch this," opens the croc's mouth, whips out his dick and sticks it in its mouth. He lets it there for about 5 minutes, while the crocodile just sits with its mouth open. Finally he sa...

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

A backpacker finds a small village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny bar

He walks into the bar and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 7!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter...

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

My wife is having a baby with another man, she says it's a grudge baby...

... Someone had it in for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar today.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks th...

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hunting accident

Three friends went bird hunting. While walking across an open field, they came across an old fence. Two of the hunters quickly climbed over the fence. Being a little chubby, the third hunter decided he needed an easier way to get over the fence. He leaned his shotgun against the fence, walked down t...

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

What does a Jewish person do if they see someone choking?

They use the L'chaimlich maneuver

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

Dixie Kong ran up to Donkey Kong crying..

"What wrong?" asked Donkey Kong.

"Someone told me I could get bananas from a hornet's nest so I hit it and the hornets came out and chased me!" Dixie sobs.

"Sounds like you did a Diddy." says Donkey.

"A Diddy? What's that mean?" asks Dixie.

DK explains, "I'm sayin, 'Do a ...

I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one

Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a Mother and a Mommy?

Calling someone a Mommy Fucker sounds a lot more kinky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewelry case for my wife online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was livid.


I distinctively asked for it on the front.

What does the frog blacksmith say?

Rivet.Rivet.Rivet.
Came to me when I was a blacksmith. Not sure if someone else already thought of it.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back, let them go again because nobody else wanted them either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Friend.

Definition of a good friend.

Someone who goes into town and gets two blowjobs, then comes home and gives you one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

A man advertises in the paper "help wanted"

"need someone with a keen eye for detail for touch up of property."

The next day, he gets a call from a lady enquiring about about the position. She arrives later that day and he's floored by her beauty: blonde, leggy, bodacious.

She asks him "what's needing done, sugar?"

He rep...

Sounds legit

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself,but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no probl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hopefully not a repost

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Hells Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

Crown for me

Dentist: "You need a crown."


Me: "Finally someone who understands me."

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy

How do you make someone holy?

Simple, you beat the hell out of them.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking marijuana rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

Finders keepers

I found $10 in a pants pocket today.
It was a little awkward, since someone was still wearing the pants...

What do you get when you move around the letters of mailman?

Someone who goes postal.

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

Have you ever been walking behind someone and they're slow and you can't get around them no matter what you do and then you try to pass them and at the very last second they turn right in front of you and block you and you get frustrated?

Anyway, I need bail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone swapped my sleeping tablets for viagra

I’ve been up all night looking for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: every naked person I see turns me on

Someone walking into the conversation: wtf?

Me: what am I?

That person: a sex pest?!

Me: wrong! A shower!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it."

Would you consider shagging it for $500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.


3rd, i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

Halloween is strange

Halloween is the only time of year you can point out that someone's children are little monsters and not have them take offense.

Never blame someone else for the road your life is on.

That's your own asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

What do you call someone getting too cosy with a b

Cosby

What do you call someone who makes sound effects when they urinate?

An onomato-pee-a

What do you call someone who is always naysaying?

A horse.

Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions

Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor diagnoses someone with diabetes

Doc: Your diagnosis is type 2 diabetes.

Patient: It runs in my family.

Doc: Nothing runs in your family, you fat cunt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone with a fetish for underwater projectiles?

A torpedophile!

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

Languages, what are they called?

Sorry if you’ve seen this one before, but here it goes:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages-Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks two languages-Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks one language?

A proud citizen of the United States of America…

You know that you're a really boring person…,.,,

when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

Went to a Pentecostal church recently

And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, “You will walk today.” I told him, “I’m not crippled.” He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today!” I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

Halloween logic-gate joke I came up with

What do you call someone who will always banish one of 2 spirits, but never both?

An XORcist

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic and an atheist

Someone who doesn’t believe in dogs

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

Woman Decides To Test Her Husband's Love. Then This Happened... LOL!

Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving.

She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself...

... He starts panicking because he was worried his wife was going to leave him for this.

Another person at the bar told him to say someone puked all over him, and put $20 in your shirt and tell him he gave you that to cover the cleaning. The man thinks it's a good idea and decides to give it ...

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sandwich sex!

A guy went into a brothel for the first time, he was met by an old lady.

"hello, how can I help you sir?" said the old lady.

"well, I'm just bored from normal sex, I wanna try something different..."

"would you like to try the sandwich sex?"

"sandwich?? Well... Whatev...

The burglar just broke into the old lady's house.

He sneaks around and hears someone saying in a raspy voice "The Jesys sees you!"

He got scared but decided to track down the person, that spoke.

He sees a parrot in the cage. Then he hears the parrot say "The Jesus sees you!"

He says "Oh. A talking parrot. What's your name, budd...

My dad hasn't spoken to me since February

Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt

...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude.  It smelled so good I was undeterred.  There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you.  I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

I feel like the workforce is getting dumber at my company every time they hire someone...

It's like they're constantly bringing moron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between old age and someone that designs cannabis bracelets?

With one you'll find the doobie bangles.

With the other you'll find the booby dangles.

What the difference between cake and pie?

Put a candle on a cake and it’s a party.

Put a candle on a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

What do you call someone that studies idiots?

A derpetologist.

Old man gets bad news from his doctor, he has only months to live

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them "for my last wish I want a license to practice law. I don't care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license. "

They are very puzzled b...

Fallen...

### There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

War dress code

There is a war going on between the Germans and the Scottish and in the middle of the war two soldiers from opposite sides stop to talk and one of them asks the other “why do you wear red uniforms?” They respond “when someone is shot the blood blends in and morale stays up. Why do you wear brown uni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.