In a press conference,someone threw a beer at Donald Trump.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at the door.

**A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to th...

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery

If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel...

You should take the Spaniel.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

I can't be with someone without feet.

I'm lack toes intolerant.

What do you call someone born in the 1800's?

Dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who flies a spaceship to Uranus?

An asstronaut.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb?

Someone please tell me, I have 23 in my basement and the light is still broken.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall

it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn” and not the fall of civilization.

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

What do you call someone who has seen an iPhone being stolen?

An iWitness!

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis...

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis and they suddenly got a rush of ideas on what to call it, would that be considered a title wave?

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who steals viagra?

A hardened criminal.

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

nobody knows

Did you hear about the painting that killed someone?

Turns out it was framed

What do you call someone who doesn't know there shapes

A flat earther

How can you tell if someone is Canadian

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.

He reckons it's Heyfever.

What do you call it when someone puts on too much perfume?

Eauverload.

Can someone please tell me what TBH IDK mean?

and please stop saying to be honest i don't know

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I’m fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries

Someone stole my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

Someone complimented my parking today!

They left a little note that said "parking fine".

What's a way to tell that someone is sleep deprived?

Sorry I thought this was AskReddit

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

How to know if someone is a teenager on Reddit:

Edit: OMG! This is my most up voted comment ever! Thank you so much!

What did the German police officer say when he found out that his nipples had killed someone?

"you're under a vest!"

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

The three hardest things to say to someone

1- I was wrong

2- I don't know

3- Worcestershire Sauce

What do you call someone who looks after chickens?

Chicken tender

Someone asked an old man "Even after 70 years you still call your wife darling, honey luv. What's the secret?"

The old man replied " I forgot her name and i was too scared to ask her"

Someone's shoes

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

What do you call someone that graduates from medical school with the lowest grades ?

A doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

I heard this from someone while camping.

I go into a store with a mask on, and I come out with less money. I must be doing something wrong.

Someone said I was a sociopath to a T

That makes me a sociopat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were finally able to go back to the office this week. But when we got there, we found that someone had switched around the elevator buttons!

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when someone is studying buttholes?

Analyzing.

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

My son just told me that someone said I sound like an owl

I said, “who?”

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

Someone gave me an award for a bad time travel joke.

You want to know what it was? Well I don’t know, I haven’t told it yet.

What does someone who doesn’t know grammar say when they see a droid?

Hey look, an droid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who smears their poop on the walls?

A shartist.

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone examines your butthole?

Analysis

What do you call someone who works at a rodeo?

An EmployYee.

What do you call someone who's been lobotomized?

It doesn't matter

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

What do you call someone who has never paid attention to ants?

Ignorant.

Someone told me I would be only 30% as heavy on Mars as I am right now...

That means I am not fat, I just live on the wrong planet..

If someone says Tequila is good for you

Take it with a pinch of salt

Don't trust someone who disrespects Old Glory by coloring in the white stripes

That's just a big red flag

So when someone turns 18...

Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?

Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero.

I donate five, and get arrested?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's intentionally trying to get the virus

A sick fuck!

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

I saw 3 guys beating someone up today. I knew I had to step in and help.

The little sh!t didn’t stand a chance against the 4 of us.

If I got a dollar for every time someone on Reddit advises me to go to the gym

I would actually go to the gym

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Someone asked me if “I would care for an orange” ?

I said “if it needed me”.

What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff?

Frosted flakes

I'm sorry

Whenever someone asked Susie's name what her name was, she would say, "I'm Mr. Sheaton's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong. She must say, "I am Susie Sheaton."

One day, a new teacher at her elementary school recognized her and asked, "Aren't you Mr. Sheaton's daughter?"

Susie replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

If you speak three languages you are trilingual. If you speak two languages you are bilingual. But what do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them.

# But remember to throw the flower pot with it

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye..

Then it’s fun and games in the dark.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what it's like to have a penis

I told them it's hard sometimes

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone with chronic masterbation.

Handsome

What do a clown and someone who snores have in common?

Honk Shoe.... Honk Shoe..... Honk Shoe....

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.

call them up later when you're drunk !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

If someone says “see you later alligator” you must respond with “in a while crocodile”

It’s in the bye laws

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds.

How is that person still alive?

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

Someone told me that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid

Does it not stand for National Dyslexic Association?

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

People keep telling me to speak to someone about my mental issues

I do! I talk to myself all the time!

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.

"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son told me today that he heard someone on the news call Trump a penis potato.

I think he meant dictator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

What do you say if someone won't stop describing a jug?

Okay, I get the pitcher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone proposed a support group for people who can’t orgasm

Sadly I don’t think it’s coming

My blind girlfriend told me that she's seeing someone.

It's either really terrible news or really great news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an asexual and someone who practices bestiality?

One tries to duck the fucks, while the other tries to fuck the ducks.

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

What do you call someone that hinders progress and democracy with conspiracy theories?

A Q>!cumber!<

You might need a dictionary for this one. Unless you think the clintons invented dictionaries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

What do you call someone who races online.

An eracer.

It would be bad if someone got killed at a prom

We would have a panic at the disco!!

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

If someone trusts you enough to sleep next to you multiple times,

That makes you a re-lie-able person .

The US government wants to test how good some of its instituions are at tracking down someone...

So they release a marked rabbit into a forest and task the CIA, the FBI and the police with finding it.

The CIA goes first. They try sattelite imagery, informants, drones, everything they can, but after six months they give up, saying that they can't find the rabbit.

Next goes the FBI....

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

If your blind girlfriend tells you that shes seeing someone else

Is that good or bad?

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

What do you call someone who’s attracted to young animals?

A PETAphile.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...

I was donating blood...

Someone broke into my house and stole all my lightbulbs.

I know I should be upset, but I’m actually delighted.

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

Always makes someone laugh

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

I saw someone eating noodles with some chicken on it.

It was the best hen thai I've ever seen.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

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