Someone stole my mood ring...

... and I don't know how I feel about that.

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

I heard someone got an STD from a footjob

Guess they got off on the wrong foot

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband ...

If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language?

American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Someone actually complimented me on my driving the other day.

They left a note on my windshield.

It said parking fine.

My girlfriend just told me she's seeing someone. It's either great news or terrible news.

My girlfriend is blind.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

Someone keyed the music teacher's car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B Minor.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

*The plot thickens.*

What did the Mandalorian say when someone asked him for directions?

“This is the way”

Someone removed the fifth month from the calendar

I was really dismayed

I can always tell if someone is lying, just by looking at them....

I can also tell if they're sitting or standing .

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

Someone asked me if I liked One Direction

I said "Yeah, South"

What do you call someone who rips up books?

A tear-orist.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

What's the description of someone's inability to hear?

A deafinition.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at my head.

It's o.k. though, as my injuries are only super fish oil.

I got some new glasses and I had someone say I am looking good!

Not sure how they know how well I can see out of my glasses but I appreciated the attention!

Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows

So yeah I guess I'm bisectual

How can you tell if someone is turning into a Canadian?

You have to test them because, they may be eh symptomatic.

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

I saw someone on their phone while driving

I got so mad, I pulled right up beside them and threw my beer at them

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

What do you call a used shirt from someone from Chernobyl

Third hand

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

My brother said he can't date someone without feet.

I guess he is lack-toes-intolerant.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

What do you call someone who is part Czech?

Czech Mix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 9yo made a joke: what happens when you shoot someone in the butt?

You give them a butt hole.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"

As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My k...

My local church went bankrupt and someone turned it into a gun range.

The community didn't like it, but it already had pew pew pews.

I saw someone spill their Scrabble letters all over the road the other day

I asked him, “Hey man, what’s the word on the street?”

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

How do you call it when you force someone to drink coffee?

Manipulatte

Why did a company employ a person with a single arm instead of someone with both arms?

Because the guy with one arm can do everything single-handedly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the bla...

What do you call someone who has no body and no nose

Nobody Knows

Someone stole my limbo stick

Honestly how low can you go

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

What do you call someone with a photographic memory in an art gallery

A thief

Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

Someone should keep the ball safe so the Buccaneers don't get a Deflategate.

Nobody better Tampa with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When someone has dyxlesia

They have sexdaily

What do you call someone who worries that they might have ADHD?

A hyperchondriac

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me

And I was like, "what the Hellmann?!?!"

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

can someone please tell me where the land meets the water

geographer: shore

There are two ways to make someone mad

One is not finishing your sentence and the other is

A gardener for a large estate decides to hire someone to help him with the heavy workload..

...the new laborer's name is Johnny Rhodes and the gardener is pleased with how quickly he's catching on. John is rather sharp and comes up with some good ideas to make things more efficient around the place.

One of these ideas was to repurpose an empty space behind the mansion that was over...

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

For my first cake day I was just going to do a repost of someone else’s cake joke.

But then I thought....

Nah, I could do batter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good psychological trick to find out if someone like you or not is by watching the direction of their feet when they're near you,

I'm still not sure if this guy that is kicking my ass like me or not.

Never blame someone else for the road you're on...

... that's your own asphalt.

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

What do you call someone bad at spelling?

A muggle.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

If you go over to someone’s house and they have a banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall

That’s a huge red flag.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Or a subreddit costs you $70 billion.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone from the nazi army sneezes...

Thus breaking the command of staying still Hitler yells "who sneezed?" Nobody talks, so he executes the first row. Again he yells "who sneezed?", nobody talks so he executes the second row, he goes to the third row and yells "who sneezed?" A man from the third row knows he's gonna get executed anywa...

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone?

Because you just cant beat it.



I'm sorry

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

What do you call someone with no arms or legs?

Whatever their name happens to be.

Someone sends you on a quest.

You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.

What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?

I lost gun-trol

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when someone prefers boobs over Butts?

Priorititties

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist is someone who yells, "Beat me! Hurt me!"

A sadist is someone who replies, "Noooooo......"

I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks.

Please I really need that heart transplant

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?

Just step into their shoes.

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

What does a carton of milk and someone in the hospital have in common?

They both expire in a few weeks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is good at braiding?

A masterbraider

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

Someone called me on the phone and asked me if I wanted satellite radio.

I said, “ are you Serius “?

What's the difference between someone that collects stamps and the tally that Prince Phillip keeps of all the gravy and soup related silverware?

One's a philatelist and the other's a Phil ladle list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to pull out my A1 sauce on someone.

They had beef.

What happens when someone from Finland has a child with someone from Denmark.

Finished danish

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?

On the apocalypse.

Life is short, so tell someone that you love them.

But shout it at them in German, because life is also scary and confusing.

Someone said, if you think 2020 is crazy

Wait till that MF turns 21 and start drinking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

I'm glad someone thinks I keep my house so clean, one could eat off the floors.

Too bad it's only my dog who thinks that.

What do you do to someone who tells a bad pun?

You give them a punishment.

If someone from Holland married a Filipino...

Would their kids be Hollapinos?

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

Remember you are someone's reason to smile

Because you are a joke

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.

The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...

What's the difference between Antony Hopkins' character in Silence of the Lambs and someone who taunted Jeffery Dahmer as he ate?

One's Hannibal Lechter and the other's a cannibal heckler.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

What do you call someone who hates brown rice just because it’s brown?

A riceist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

Someone shouts: ”Stupid Dad jokes are making the Earth an impossible place to live!”

A Dad shouts back: “Maybe you just need some Space.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone that likes getting high and having their buttons pushed?

...an elevator.

Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you.

What's the hardest part about going down on someone's grandma?

Depends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

What do you call someone who livestreams their effort to overthrow a government?

An exseditionist

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

Someone stole my eyeglasses.

I was robbed blind!

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can someone tell me if it is possible to have a skin graft taken from the buttocks for a person whom not related to you ?

Arse Skin for a friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kill someone for a man, and make him happy for the day.

Teach a man to kill, and try to never piss him off.

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Ask someone: What sound does a dead duck make?

Then just stare at them silently until they get it.

What do you call someone with mints on their feet?

Tic tac toes

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