I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I'm fine - i only suffered super fish oil injuries

Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.

Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.

Someone's been stealing the tires off of police cars recently

Police are working tirelessly trying to find him.

If you waterboard someone but use snow

is it snowboarding?

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don't

It's a trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when you cum in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

Someone told me that my house was haunted.

I said that they must be crazy because I've lived there for over a 200 years and I've never seen anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent someone from saying you are gay, you say "no homo" so what do you say to prevent incest?

Roll Tide

I was walking down the street the other day when I noticed someone pickpocket a dwarf.

I don’t understand how anyone could stoop so low.

My wife called me at work and asked "Do you ever feel a piercing pain across your body as if someone just stabbed a Voodoo doll of you?" Concerned i replied "No".

"How about now?" she asked.

What's the difference between the devil and someone who laughs but doesn't upvote?

One unleashed pain and misery, the other one isn't real

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone dies while having sex, you could say that they...

Went out with a bang.

You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

Someone wrote the word "MONG" in the ice on my windscreen this morning.

It took me twenty minutes to lick it off.

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

Someone broke into my house last night.

Yeah they broke in and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

I shot someone with a harpoon yesterday

I think he got the point

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Someone stole my Microsoft office and they’re gonna pay,

You have my word.

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

Employer - In this job, we need someone who is responsible.

Me - I’m the one you want!

Employer - Why is that so?

Me - On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

joke to ask someone (funny!)

ask them to ask you who joe is and then when they ask you who joe is say joe mama!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never hang out with someone named richard

He's usually a dick

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

Whenever someone talks about taking baby steps

I like to imagine them walking up a staircase made of babies.

@ErikJMoyer

Someone stole my mood ring :(

I don’t know how I feel about that

I tried to make a joke about someone who can't see, hear, taste, smell, or feel anything.

I realized it was senseless.

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

When someone tells you to , "hold your horses"

They are telling you to be "stable"

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

If I drop anything, I have to ask someone else to pick it up for me.

I recently got an envelope in the mail that said "Do Not Bend!"

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Someone just took a shit in the elevator

He took pooping to another level

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone else

So i took it into my own hands

Someone wrote on Facebook...

My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.

A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."

What did the comedian say when someone kidnapped his child?

"You stole my joke!"

Every morning, I wake up and find that someone has left a lot of Play-Doh on my front door.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

What do you call it when someone puts on a VR headset for the first time?

Losing your VRginity

Someone asked me how I managed to have kids

I said "Improvise, Adapt, Overcum"

I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Someone hanged himself on the tree of a cliff

They say there will be another but it's not sure yet.

I hate cliffhangers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you take out someone with a Japanese throwing star?

Shuriken

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And then suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

What do you call someone who postpones doing things for a little bit but then does them anyway?

An amateurcrastinator.

Someone I know went to a very expensive, exclusive private school.

These kids are so rich, they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

A guy once killed someone with a mist maker.

It was fogged up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone broke into my house and stole all the food for my birthday party.

Of all the assholes in the world this guy takes the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

Goldilocks was killed for eating someone else's porridge.

The murderers did it with their bear hands.

A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into b...

Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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Someone once called me illiterate.

Bullshit. My folks had been married three years when they had me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you wanna piss someone from Hiroshima off?

Call them a boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

What do you call it when someone can’t breath, and you’re too intimidated to try and help them?

Choking

After our house burned down, the cops told us that it could be someone we know.

I asked my wife, “Could it be arson?”

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

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If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

The last time I was someone’s type...

I was donating blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

How do you give someone two upvotes without making two accounts?

Make 3 accounts and don't upvote on one of them.

Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

Someone just throw a handful of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I'm OK though, they are just super fish oil injuries.

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

Have you ever noticed that someone driving slower than you is an idiot

and anyone who drives faster is "A fcuking idiot"

Never call someone a wife beater because those are fighting words...

And apparently so are the words “Hi honey how was work” and “Were you out drinking again?”

If someone who does not fart in public is called a private tutor, then what do you call someone that farts in public?

Eric Swalwell.

Can someone explain nonprofit organizations to me?

They don’t really make any cents.

What did the pirate say when someone missed the joke?

Arrrrr/woosh

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you




You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

Someone told me there's a joke about a "small medium at large"

I can't say I totally believe them...sounds a little suspect to me.

If someone you know was born in August...

...then their father failed No Nut November

It's disgusting to judge someone just by their looks.

Let's just say I didn't win at the model competition.

What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

Someone told me a joke about a ceiling fan.

It really left me hanging.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

There's only one place you can find someone with no limbs.

Right where you left them.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?

First person shooter

What do cell towers do when someone puts down a beat?

They drop some bars.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature

I’d have so many hotwheels

Someone told me Epstein killed himself.

That was fake noose.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

I’m outta here!!

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying,
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the k...

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know If someone is vegan?

Don't worry they'll fucking tell you.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

What do i do when i see someone gorgeous?

I stare,
I adore,
I smile,





Then i put the mirror down.

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

How can you tell if someone told you a dad joke?

Just wait a few minutes—it'll become apparent.

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

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