Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?

First person shooter

If someone you know was born in August...

...then their father failed No Nut November

What do cell towers do when someone puts down a beat?

They drop some bars.

Someone asked why my tramp stamp said ATM

I said “because this is my money maker and you don’t get a receipt!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Asking someone if you're gonna circumsize your son is like asking them who they voted for.

Ultimately, it's no one's business which DickHead you choose.

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Someone told me Epstein killed himself.

That was fake noose.

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

Most people claim they support recycling,

But they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

Throw in the laundry.

If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you




You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

What do you call someone that can’t stick to their diet?

A desserter

A man and his wife are on the phone while the husband is driving home

Wife: be careful! It says on the news there’s someone driving the wrong way on the road!

Husband: it’s worse than that! There are hundreds of them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my friend last week

We were rambling on about our favorite video games and movies when, out of the blue, he asks,“have you ever walked in on someone having sex?”

With slight confusion, I answer,“yes”

“Who was it?”, he then asks, surprised

“My girlfriend, who I’ve been friends with for over a year”<...

Why don't chickens own telephones?

They're afraid someone might wring them.

Someone once asked me where to find love.

I told her: "Personally, I check in shoes.


It's how I found my solemate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

What do you say when someone asks, “do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

I tongue her. Badumm tsss...

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

In the South, what's the difference between and tornado and a divorce?

Nothing. Either way someone is losing a trailer.

I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[all of my coworkers staring at me silently]

**Me:** Well surely someone has...

*[Uncomfortable shifting noises]*

**Me:** You're kidding me!

*[Someone ups and leaves]*

**Me:** Are you telling me NO ONE has seen any good porn lately??

What do you call someone who has an unhealthy relationship with learning too many languages?

They’re polyglottenous.

(Sorry it’s a bad joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

Can someone explain nonprofit organizations to me?

They don’t really make any cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, excep...

What do you call someone who identifies as Eric?

Generic

I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked...

Someone just throw a handful of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I'm OK though, they are just super fish oil injuries.

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake wondering if there really is a dog. \*rimshot\*

Someone broke into my house last night.

Yeah they broke in and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men went on a skiing vacation

They ordered a lodge to sleep in, but when the got there, there was only 1 bed, so they had to all share it. The next morning the 2 men on the sides were covered in cum, while the middle one was fairly clean. They all came to a consensus that someone jerked off over night. The 2 on the sides both sa...

How can you tell if someone told you a dad joke?

Just wait a few minutes—it'll become apparent.

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

So if someone decides to identify as a monk...

Does this mean they’re *transcendent?*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once called me illiterate.

Bullshit. My folks had been married three years when they had me.

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know If someone is vegan?

Don't worry they'll fucking tell you.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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