UPJOKE
somebodypersonsomethinganybodyanyoneanythingnothingnobodyeveryonewhateverworkernativeindividualsoulmortal

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

Someone started talking about the American dream.

Then they ask the German kid if there was a German Dream. He said "We had one but no one liked it."

What do you call someone who gets paid not to work?

A shareholder.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

Someone working in HR

Do you know what someone working in HR does after retiring ?

Still nothing.

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What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?

Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.

Can someone get circumcised at any age

Or is there a cutoff date?

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I am completely dismayed

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...

dead."

A recruiter told me, “In this job, we need someone who is responsible.”

I replied, “I’m the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

How to respond when someone asks if you want to 69…

I’m down if you’re down.

How can you tell if someone plays Wordle?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

What do you call someone that got rich playing pool?

A billiardnaire.

guys, someone from HR asked me to sign up for the company 401k and i'm really nervous

i don't think i can run that far

Someone once asked me why rhinos were called rhinos.

I just said "well, rhi-not?"

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

What do you call someone who graduated high school with 1.8 GPA

Officer

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

I just read that in New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds...

Poor guy

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

...

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

What do you call someone who’s is attracted to bikes?

A pedalphile

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

What is someone who helps women achieve higher education called?

Goinacollegist

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

An InCel is someone who is involuntarily celibate. What do you call someone who is voluntarily celibate?

Married.

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

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What do you call someone who hoards old English coins?

A guinea pig

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

Someone asked me "why do you have a miniature guillotine?"

It's for when I'm in the mood for a little head

What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full?

Non-Dine-ary

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

Someone's dog was run over by an automobile

Now its a car-pet

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What kind of prize do you give to someone that hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

Atrophy!

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

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AITA for sending someone to the hospital?

One time, I happened to be in this city. I don’t really remember the name, I think it was like Watican or something?

There was a huge crowd gathered in front of a building, so I went with them to see what they were all looking at. Then, two people came out of a balcony and I recognized one of...

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I read in the news that someone stole the wallet of Peter Dinklage when he was out for a walk.

I mean—-who would stoop so low?

Someone has left a pile of plasticine on my desk

I don't know what to make of it?

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Someone’s Coming!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

I've heard someone discovered a new substance that makes people around it very serious

This is a no joking matter

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and hung up.

I’m getting tired of these cold calls

remember : you will always be someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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What do you call it when someone's racist against obtuse Jews?

Anti-symmetric.

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Whenever someone tells me "Make yourself at home"

I find the nearest computer, Google some porn, remove all my clothes and start masturbating

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

Never blame someone else for the road you walk on.

That's your own asphalt.

Mark Zuckerberg’s car hit someone’s car

Guy: *angry* Do you know who I am?!

Mark: Yes, your name is Andrew Smith, you have 122 friends out of which 30 are females, and your wife has 652 friends and 600 of them are males. Last year she messaged with a guy named Michael…

Guy: OKAY. Enough! The accident was my fault, just leave...

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Idk if someone has already told this one

I were walking during the night in a forest. Then suddenly, an wolf appeared in front of me. I told my friend, who lost his glasses: "Look, a wolf!"
"Where???" he screamed, while panicating.
"Nah, just a normal one"

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

What do you call someone who gropes a dinosaur?

A rex offender

Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station

Investigators have nothing to go on.

What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency

It Hertz

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

what’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

BrieDSM

What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?

They're bisectual

If Juwan Howard needed to slap someone for calling a dumb timeout

Maybe he should have started with Chris Webber

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000...

...I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888..

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of shit?

A skeptic tank

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

Someone told me there are more aircrafts in the ocean then there are submarines in the air

Of course that was plane to sea

How do you find someone who needs to be wooshed?

Wait

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

if someone was beat to death by a doobie.

Would it be death by blunt force.

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

Trilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

I don't think I could be with someone born after Y2K

I'm worried our dating styles would be incompatible.

How can someone tell that another person is from Canada?

By how they draw leaves.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?

Asking for a friend.

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

How do you call someone that switches the m and n letters on a keyboard

A Nomster

How do you know if someone owns an air fryer?

Trust me they'll tell you.

(Yes I have one)

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.

I said, “What the hellmann?”

What do you call someone who dyes their hair red?

Transginger.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

What do you call someone who doesn't know how to use a condom?

Dad

What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?

A bananny.

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

What do you call it when someone notices your fart?

An “ass-toot” observation

What Do You Call It When Someone Only Bakes Pastries?

A bread schtick

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

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As someone named Richard, I'm tired of people calling me Dick

From now on, call me Peter

How long does it take for someone to die?

A lifetime.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

What do you call someone without enough personality to be an accountant?

An auditor

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

My response when someone asked me if I am into Gwen Stefani...

No Doubt.

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

A woman hears a noise late at night and sees someone in her shed when she looks out the window

She calls the police and reports a prowler. They say they will send an officer to investigate. Twenty minutes later the police have not shown up and the man is now loading items he is stealing into a van parked in the driveway. She calls the police back and asks where the cops are.

The dispa...

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