UPJOKE
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Someone Jokes

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I'm English.

Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Someone asked President Biden, "Boxers or briefs?"

He said, "Depends."

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, Shoot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

I was dating someone with a lazy eye, but I broke up with her...

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula


The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

Yesterday someone taught me what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone

It’s either terrible news or great news

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ...

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone’s Coming!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

If someone wants to say the word "motel" backwards

Just letom.

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Someone just stole my thesaurus

I have no words to describe how I feel.

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero.

I donate five, and get arrested?

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Can someone get circumcised at any age

Or is there a cutoff date?

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

What does someone with a good singing voice have?

Opera-tune-ities.

(It’s dumb but it’s mine.)

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

Someone Stole My Mood Ring

and I don’t know how I feel about that.

Someone gave me 20 cents and it changed my whole outlook on life.

It was a paradigm shift

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

Nobody knows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

WW1: Because someone shot an Austrian

WW2: Because someone didn’t shoot an Austrian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone ODs on Viagra

Die hard

What do you call someone who dyes their hair orange?

Transginger

When someone hands you their baby…

Hand it back and say “I’m a vegetarian”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words

I said "bad at counting"

I can always tell if someone is Canadian.

I’ve got eh-dar

Someone who moves from Michigan to Ohio

Has raised the average intelligence of both states

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

What is the best weapon against someone with bad hygiene?

Axe.

What you call someone who works diligently on their gambling addiction?

An over/underachiever.

Someone told me I might have Aphantasia.

*Bro, I can't even imagine.*

When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

What happens when you hit someone at a high frequency

It hertz

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if someone cums in your eye?

A stigmajism.

Or (thanks to WasteChard3488):

A jizmatism.

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Then you’re already a mile away and you have their shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, ...

Someone wrote "ngba" on my car.

I thought that's bang out of order.

What do you call someone with a doctorate in carbonated beverages?

A *fizz*ician

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

A man is approached by someone writing a petition.

The guy with the petition asks, "would you like to sign this petition about child labor?"

The man responds, "well, of course!"

After he signs it with the pen he was given, the guy with the petition asks, "would you like to sign it again with a fake name?"

The man agrees to this ...

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

I noticed the whenever someone loses their eyebrows...

They look surprised.

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