UPJOKE
somebodypersonsomethinganybodyanyoneanythingnothingnobodyeveryonewhateverworkernativeindividualsoulmortal

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

When someone says, a penny for your thoughts, and I throw my two cents in….

What happens to the other penny?

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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

poor bastard

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

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What do you call someone who can masteurbate to anything?

A "jack-off-all-trades"!

Someone was falling into a black hole

The gravity of their situation was really becoming apparent.

How do you tell if someone has kids?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

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Someone spray painted "Pervert Lives Here" on my garage door.

Fucking vandals wasting my time.

I just opened it and there was nobody inside.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.

What do you call someone infectious on Insta?

An Influenza.

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What do you call it when someone shits themself as a joke?

Self deficating humor.

What do you call someone who sleeps around and talks alot?

Horchata

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

It’s not OK to make fun of someone with a prosthetic arm.

It’s not humerus.

How do you send someone the coldest okay ever?

0K

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Someone stole my palette...

It's all good, now. I caught him red handed.

Someone stole the toilets from the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, “Call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

Someone told me I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed

What does that mean?

I used to be a cop and one night after pulling someone over, he asked if he could pee on my wrist.

I said " Not on my watch "

Someone fell into wet cement

Currently there is no concrete evidence of who fell

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

no matter how much someone says they like the movie the passion of the Christ

They always say the book was better

How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck?

Neck-romancer.

Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer...

What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?

Nice to vegetable you

If someone refuses to sleep during nap time

They are guilty of resisting a-rest.

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

Someone stole my Tesla!

I called the police and reported an Edison.

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

How does a non-binary person kill someone?

They / Them

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

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A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest".

The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a coup...

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

What do you call someone who really likes Tylenol?

An acetaminofan.

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Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Don't talk behind someone's back!

Go into another room so they wont hear...

What do you call someone who gets paid not to work?

A shareholder.

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I am completely dismayed

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 capsules at me!

Luckily my injuries are only Super Fish Oil.

Some Taliban members are playing bingo, but stop when someone yells:

B-52

If something doesn't exist, it isn't. if someone fails to do something, they didn't. if liquor isnt the solution to anything, what does that make it?

A solven't.

Can someone get circumcised at any age

Or is there a cutoff date?

What do you call someone who looks after hens?

A chicken tender.

What do you call someone who has no body and no nose?

Nobody Knows

I don't get how someone can hate on lazy people...

...they didn't do anything

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

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What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?

Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

Someone told me cake jokes are cheesy.

I'm pretty sure mine's batter.
(attempt at a cake day joke)

Someone working in HR

Do you know what someone working in HR does after retiring ?

Still nothing.

Someone called me pretentious today.

I nearly choked on my honey-cardamom latte.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

What do you tell someone who has just stuck a gun in your mouth?

It's difficult to say

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

Someone called me trash, but joke is on them.

I'm an organ donor, I'm recyclable.

I recently started dating someone and neither of us is a dom in the bedroom.

Our couple name is The Hunt for Red October

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

I finally found someone who cares as much as I do about providing sources for every claim.

It was love at first cite.

Someone started talking about the American dream.

Then they ask the German kid if there was a German Dream. He said "We had one but no one liked it."

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China

Too many red flags

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...

dead."

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

How to respond when someone asks if you want to 69…

I’m down if you’re down.

What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency ?

it hertz

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

How do you resuscitate someone at a rock concert?

You perform CCR!

An InCel is someone who is involuntarily celibate. What do you call someone who is voluntarily celibate?

Married.

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

What do you call someone that got rich playing pool?

A billiardnaire.

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

Did you hear about the robot who assaulted someone?

Turns out he was charged with battery

guys, someone from HR asked me to sign up for the company 401k and i'm really nervous

i don't think i can run that far

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

What do you call someone who’s is attracted to bikes?

A pedalphile

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

What do you and Chernobyl have in common?

Someday someone will enter without a glove.

a man goes to a doctor...

A man goes to his doctor complaining that his girlfriend is pregnant notwithstanding their use of condoms and them never breaking.

The doctor says:

*"Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter, who always carried his gun with him. One day, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella ins...

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The story of an unlucky man

Once upon a time, there lived an unlucky man. He was so unlucky that he was born with 1 testicle. One day, he got into a plane flight and the plane started falling. It was announced that someone needed to jump in order to save the plane and its other passengers. They did some voting and the unlucky ...

Indian Hell

### An Indian man dies and goes to hell ...

An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.


He goes first to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told, 'First, they put you in...

What kind of prize do you give to someone that hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

Atrophy!

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Someone’s Coming!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

What’s a skeleton in a closet?

Someone who won at hide and seek.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

...

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

What is someone who helps women achieve higher education called?

Goinacollegist

Someone asked me "why do you have a miniature guillotine?"

It's for when I'm in the mood for a little head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who hoards old English coins?

A guinea pig

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read in the news that someone stole the wallet of Peter Dinklage when he was out for a walk.

I mean—-who would stoop so low?

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

What do you call someone who is neither hungry or full?

Non-Dine-ary

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

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