Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to Greek cheese?

A Feta-shist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

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What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

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How does someone get Karma on their cake day?

…..fuck I forgot

3rd times someone's charm

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too t...

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a sexist.

I'd not have to ask for dowry.

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

If you see someone crying, ask:

“Is it because of your haircut?”

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Someone asked me what I thought about constipation

I told them I couldn't give a shit.

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender!

Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual what do you call some who speaks only one language?

American

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

What do you call someone who jumped off a pyramid?

In denial

What do you call someone who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

Inseine

What do you call someone who overpays for caulk?

A caulk sucker

So...someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

Does anyone know how to find someone to spend time with?

Asking for a friend.

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

Does anyone know of an office job that will hire someone with zero verifiable experience?

Yes, the White House recently did. Apply there.

What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer

Someone stole my antidepressants

Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

How does a non-binary Samurai kill someone?

They/Them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who runs like Naruto ninja?

A virgin.

What do you call someone who eats rice?

A ricist

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

For my sixth cake day I was going to just repost someone elses cake day joke.

But then I thought to myself...

Nah, I'm batter than that!

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

Q: How do you know if someone is on acid?

A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me masturbating would make you go blind.

I had to contain my laughter as he was facing the wall saying it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?

Eye contact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone just stole my audio software. It was free, but I can't believe them.

The Audacity of that bitch.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

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How do you know someone is an introvert?

They won't shut the fuck up about it.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes

As I thought, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens....

Have you ever realised that when you are listening to music, somewhere in the world there is someone who is listening the same song, the same lyrics, the same syllable as you are.

Then you are aware of FM radio

At the reception following a wedding recently, someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand beside the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

If you go to someone’s house for the first time and you see a Cincinnati Reds flag on their door……..

That’s a big red flag

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

If you are sleeping on a bottom bunk, and someone else is sleeping on the top bunk

then you are under a rest

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

Can someone explain please ?

Wife : How is my husband ?

Doctor : Well, you are what you eat.

Wife : but he only eats vegetables ... Ohh

Last week, I called someone a watering hole

But I meant well

Today, someone knocked on my door.

Today, someone knocked on my door. I opened the door and a visibly upset person was standing at my door. They said "Do you have a cat, I was driving down the street and a cat ran out in front of me. I tried to avoid hitting it but was unable."

I replied that yes, I did have a cat and asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who’s constipated

They’re full of shit

If someone made a song about my favourite element

It would be fire

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!” The Doc sighed and asked,

“no hemo?”

Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

What do you call reusing someone else’s dad joke?

Puns of steal.

How does a Non Binary person kill someone?

They/Them

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This Is A Horrible Lie. I Am Embarrassed And Do Not Intend To Accept This. Now, I Want The Party Who Said This To Stand And Ask Forgiveness From God ."
No One Moved.

The Preacher Continued, “Do You Have The Nerve To Face Me And Admit This Is A Falsehood? Remember, You Will Be Forgiven And ...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What do you call someone who buys up the garden store's entire stock of shrubbery?

A hedgehog!

Someone should make a food app named after Prometheus

He was the best of being delivered.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel

I just can’t handle it anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what it’s like having sex while camping.

It’s fucking in tents.

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

What do you call it when someone is wearing socks and sandals?

Sandalism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Allison was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of her, boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Allison, how about Reese Witherspoon?"

"No dramas boss, Reese and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Allison and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Reese Witherspoon's door, and Reese Witherspoo shouts,

"Allison! W...

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

Feel like someone's watching you?

You're not alone.

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house (nswf) [i could not find the option to tag nsfw, someone please from mod team put nswf tag.]

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget."<...

Someone knocked on my door.

"Who's there?" I asked.

"Police," replied two men.

I asked them what they wanted. "We need to investigate your property for cannabis."

"I haven't got any," I said. "Now be on your way."

"Sir," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

"Because you might find ...

What do you call someone that steals your soap?

A dirty criminal

What do you call someone with Alzheimer's?

They don't know either.

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

What's a good way to tell if someone is an arsonist?

They don't blow out the candles on their birthday cake.

What's the similarity between a river with too much agricultural runoff and really liking someone from the Far East?

One is eutrophication, the other is "You terrific Asian"

Someone asked me how being mute was going for me.

Can't complain.

Wanna hear my impression of someone who went blind at birth?

"I've seen a thing or two"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone put a bomb in my mailbox.

Holy shit this post blew up.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

What do you call someone who can sing but not talk?

A mutesician.

What do you call someone from Alabama stuck in a sandwich?

Inbread.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Someone renovated the church with wire mesh floors.

Well, I guess it *is* holey ground....

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldn’t you take someone’s bra?

Because they are boobytraps.

How can someone be a racist and have acne?

Like bro, worry about your own skin

I went back in time just to slap someone

Me as a child: “I wish that I were an adult!”

Someone once left a positive review at the DMV

The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who worships testicles?

I don't know but it sounds sacriligious to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

Never break someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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