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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

If you speak three languages you are trilingual. If you speak two languages you are bilingual. But what do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

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Someone asked me, “If 2020 was a car, what would it be?”

I told them, “It would be a BMW. It looked real cool at first, but the reliability turned out to be pretty shit, and whoever’s driving is a total asshole.”

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

What do you call someone who is half black?

Halfrican-American

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

If the prefix "pluto" means wealth, and the suffix "theist" means belief or worship of a deity, what do you call someone who worships money above all else?

American

Someone threw a beer at Donald Trump during the Indianapolis NRA convention.

He's fine. It was a draft so he dodged it easily.

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Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs?

Names.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was eating someone out yesterday when I thought "Hang on, can I taste horse cock?"

And then I thought to myself

"Oh Grandma, that must have been how you died!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone help I tried swallowing a viagra but it’s got stuck in my throat.

Have had a stiff neck all day.

How do you know its someone's reddit Bday?

Piece of cake!

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something you can say before sex and after the death of someone?

it's gonna get hard trust me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am desperate to tell someone about my girlfriend’s new fetish.

I really need to get this shit off my chest.

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilets.

The police are looking for suspects, but for now they have nothing to go on.

A blind woman tells her husband that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either very good or very bad news.

How can you tell if someone is from New York City?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you within the first few minutes of meeting them.

Never date someone with OCD.

Every time you get turned on, they’ll turn you off again.

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

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What do you call it when someone masturbates on an airplane?

Hijacking

Someone asked me...

"Where is your father at?"

Me : "He is not on earth anymore"

"Aww, I am sorry"

Me : " He's an astronaut lol"

Someone told me i had legs for days.

They seemed confused when i told them i’d had them for years.

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle

Chances are, you'll hear some cross words

Just know if you walk into someone’s house and they have the Soviet Union banner on the wall

That is a big red flag

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account

Whoever it was, I’ll make you pay
You have my Word.

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How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

How can someone get some sweet Reddit karma when they dont deserve it?

Piece of cake

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist...

I could quit my job at the NYPD

What Do You Call Someone Who Argues About Sailboats?

A Mast-Debater!

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm from India and if I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me if I shit on the road

I wouldn't have to shit on the road anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you are thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my grandpa caught me masturbating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone shits on your pay check?

Income poop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

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Trump decided to go patrolling as a cop and brings along Pence. They finally pull someone over and the driver is in shock and reacts "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE FUCKING DONALD TRUMP!"

The VP replies: "Not quite but believe me I've tried."

someone stole all my lamps..

I'm punbelievably delighted :(

I read recently that someone drilled a hole into a fence at a nudist colony...

the police are looking into it

Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo?

To the I.C.U

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

How would someone who struggles pronouncing their R's say the name Bradley?

They'd say it badly.

I heard someone say that change does not come from a place of comfort

But I find pennies and nickels in my couch all the time so I don’t know what they mean

I saw someone post their 6yo's pirate joke today. Here's my 6yo's pirate joke...

Why can't a pirate say the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that.

Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings”

“He’s Sir Ching”

Why do short girls roll their eyes when someone makes fun of them?

They don't. That's just them trying to look up to see who's talking about them.

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"

I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

Someone just left a safe with some dynamite on top and ran away.

Edit: wow this exploded! Thanks for the gold, stranger!

What do you call someone that repairs rocks?

A rocktor

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

What do you call it when a Russian emperor uses irony to mock someone?

Tsarcasm

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Asking someone’s favorite month (Bar joke)

A man walks into a bar and asks the guys beside him
“Hmm do you have a favorite month?”
The guy replied
“Yes July”
The man then asks
“Why July?”
The guy replies again
“No no no July is actually my favorite month I didn’t lie”

How do you make someone Holy?

You beat the hell out of them

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

What do you do when someone is doing the dishes?

Let them!

Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes

Someone told me today is "slap your irritating coworker day" but I don't think that's right

"Get slapped by your co-workers day" would be more accurate.

I have ocd so whenever someone say "tho"

I always respond with "ugh"

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Hawaii is a veritable island paradise for someone studying Spock's culture

It's a Vulcanology hot spot

(I land chains of jokes like this one, occasionally)

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

What do you call an angry singer flipping someone off?

A song bird.

Pick on someone your own size.

short people are so mean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DOROTHY: oh no my house killed someone!

**GLINDA:** it's ok, she fucking sucked

**DOROTHY:** who are you?

**GLINDA:** i'm a good witch

**DOROTHY:** ...a— are you sure?

**GLINDA:** Yup. now let's steal that dead bitch's shoes

What do you call someone who did an ok job at covering themselves in yellow paint?

Medi-ochre.

Never forget that you're someone's reason to smile...

Because you're a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone is on the toilet, just pee on them.

You will surely piss them off.

Someone at the club stole my glasses.

>!The rest of the night was a blur.!<

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone...

...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end...

Someone called me pretty today.

Well the actual phrase was "you are pretty dumb" but Im focusing on the positive today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" ...

Someone once tried to tell me a really boring joke about chicken seasoning

I just said "Boo! Yawn!"

How do you prevent someone from stealing your bagel?

You put lox on it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone offers you drugs, don't just say "no"...

... say "no thank you." Rude motherfucker.

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to date someone who is a therapist. Sorry, ex-therapist.

I'm not seeing her anymore.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

Someone on the street asked me:

What's your business?

me: I have a drive-by prostitution agency.

How's business?

me: It comes and goes.

What do you call someone with mediocre detonation skills?

An OK Boomer

I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - My girlfriend always demands a "joke for a smoke" when someone tries to bum a cig

When someone can't come up with something on the spot, she offers to teach them one of her favorites:

"What tastes better on pie than pussy?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Crust"

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

I can't pee when someone is watching.

This is a real impeediment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you email someone a dick pic?

Junk mail

What do you call it when someone coughs or sneezes in 2020?

A coronal mass ejection

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

You have 3 dogs and someone forcibly takes one, how many do you have left?

3

>!...and a dead body!<

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

For the first time in my life, I allowed someone else to change my tire.

Now I know what it's like to be a woman!

Judge, is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone's eyes?

"Yes that's assault"

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

MEN - if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

What do you call someone who resurrects dead people to kiss their necks?

A Neckromancer.

What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut-off date.

Someone asked me if Kim Jong was ill

I said no that was his father

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone keeps shitting on my lawn

And what's worse is my dog is out there all night, and he never catches the culprit.

What do you call it when someone dies on the Lewis and Clark Expedition?

Corpse of Discovery

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