UPJOKE
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Anyone Jokes

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

L...

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool?

Asking for a friend

Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.

My wife begged me not to tell anyone about her foot fetish.

Well I’ve only gone and put my foot in it.

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

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Anyone hear the joke about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove

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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny puts her hand up and says "My mum says we should stay home when we're sick incase we're contagious."

"That's right" the teacher says, "Anyone else?"

Susie says "My grandma says a smile can be contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny pu...

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I just keep hearing the same one over and over and over...

I can't have a meaningful conversation with anyone in the fashion industry...

They're all so clothes-minded...

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Anyone here about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

What cake can love anyone?

A pan cake

Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas?

Because I need to borrow some chairs.

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

me: doctor, everything anyone says to me seems to be a palindrome!

doctor: lol

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

Would anyone like to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

I told the women at work that botox doesn't make anyone look younger.

Nobody looked surprised.

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What's yours and can be eaten by anyone except you?

Your ass.

Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking...

... so they can heat their house?

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

I have a wedding at the same time of my World Cup match, can anyone take my place?

The place is St. Parish Church and the Bride's name is Paula.

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man sa...

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Does anyone want to meet up irl and play games together? Or we could just hang out and talk about life

Asking for a friend.

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A guy is sitting on his couch one day watching TV when he hears a knock on the door...

He answers the door, and at first, he doesn't see anyone around. He looks around and finally sees a little tiny turtle standing there. Annoyed, he picks up the turtle and chucks it as far as he can.

Five years later, he's sitting on his couch watching TV, and he hears a knock on the door. He ...

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Has anyone ever had sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents.

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I don't trust anyone who says "age is just a number"

...cause that shit is obviously just letters.

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

Does anyone else

like making haikus for fun?

Asking for a friend

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Is anyone else terrible at remembering names?

I tried a new strategy with a guy I met recently. I was told to repeat someones name 3 times during introduction. He introduced himself to me with “Hi my names Jathon.” I reply. “Hey Jathon. That’s a really interesting name. Jathon. Where did your parents come up with Jathon?” He says “No need to be...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,

but they’ve always worked for me.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

A woman boards a bus with her baby.

The bus driver looks at her baby and exclaims, "Yikes! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman, now obviously upset, walks to the back of the bus and finds a seat next to another man. She says, "I'm upset, the driver just insulted me!"

The man responds, "You shouldn't let an...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."

The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.

After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.

"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a ...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

I don't know much about psychology or sociology

But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

Clubhouse

A group of men are changing in the locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, wha...

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

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Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

Cuz I've tried fucking everything.

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A man will fantasize that he’s having sex with someone else;

a woman will fantasize she’s having sex with anyone else.

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

An apple a day keeps anyone away

If you throw it hard enough

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

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Abusive Children.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is ...

I think my local garage is ripping me off...

does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?

My son wanted to hear a basketball joke.

I couldn't think of any so I did what anyone would do...

Me: "Alexa, tell me a basketball joke."

Alexa: "The last time the Boston Celtics won a championship, I didn't exist!"

I'm not a loner.

Well, I've never heard anyone ever call me one.

An avid football fan was at the game, seated in a first row seat on the 50 yard line anxiously awaiting the opening kickoff. The seat next to him was empty...

A man sitting further back in the stands, noticed the empty seat, so he got out of his seat and went down to talk with the guy. He asked if anyone was sitting in the empty seat. The guy said, "Nope, it's empty".

In total disbelief, The other guy said, "WHAT?? Who would leave the best seat ...

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means?

I have no idea.

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

Does anyone know if Snap, Crackle, and Pop have a Twitter account?

I could really go for a Rice Krispies tweet.

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

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They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it.

But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

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Coming Out

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot of whiskey. The bartender knows this man only drinks whiskey when he's upset.

"Something wrong?" the bartender asks.

"I just found out my son is gay," the man replies.

The next day, the same man comes in and orders two shots of whiskey....

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.

Rural Court

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

Does anyone here know any men from Scandinavia?

(I’m asking for a Svend.)

"Give it to me" she begged,"Give it to me..." "I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....

But,there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

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The brave man

At the circus, the lion tamer strolls into the caged ring where there’s one huge lion.

The brave tamer says to the audience,

\- “Watch this.”

He then walked up to the lion, opened its mouth and stuck his willy right in, then he slapped the lion on the head really hard and slo...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

Why could no one solve the case when the world’s largest ruby was stolen?

It was too big of a corundum for anyone to handle

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl?

Inflation is real

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman

"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.

"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."

The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."

The old lady smiled a...

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I told my girlfriend today that PMS pains aren't actually as bad as women claim they are.

Could anyone please tell me how I can get a pair of nail clippers out of my back? The hands won't reach far enough.

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

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