Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do.

Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he could never be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

Ah.. chemistry!

My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.

Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!

Me: K

Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

My friend's birthday

My friend ordered a cake with his own portrait as icing for his birthday and then ate it all without sharing with anyone

I guess he's so full of himself

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter is on a trip to the Vatican with his church

At arrival, they are told that today is a special day and they will get the opportunity to meet the Pope

Peter is vey excited, because meeting the Pope is one of his biggest dreams. Everyone lines up next to each other, gitty with excitement, but there is at hush over the crowd as the Pope en...

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two strangers are sitting next to each other in a bar...

One guy says to the other “hey man, I’ll bet you $50 I can eat an entire plate of human shit in less than 30 seconds”.

The other guy says “there’s no way anyone can do something that disgusting, so you’re on”.

They head to the dumpsters behind the bar where the second guy squats down...

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

Does anyone know where I can go to meet someone who will hang out and do things with me?

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!

But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India.

They don't have beef with anyone.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

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Things that have hair.

A teacher asks the kids at class:

"I want you to name things that have hair on it"

"A cat!", the first kid says.

"That's correct", teacher replies. "A cat has hair on it. Can anyone tell something else that has hair?"

"An owl!", says another kid.

The teacher said:...

A man is sent to prison for a long stretch...

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in. His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out, "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells, "Number 45!" Another round of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

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A Man Walks Into a Car Dealership

A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it, and gives it the whole over/under but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart. He looks around quickly to see i...

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

Hard work never killed anyone...

...but better not risk it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

My wife said to me.

Wife: I am going to donate all of my old clothes to poor

under nourished starving women of the World.

Me: Anyone that can fill your clothes are not starving.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.


One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him,


“Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I d...

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician

One has no morals, doesn’t care about the people, and will fuck anyone for money. The other just sells the body for sex.

More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.

Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told the...

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[NSFW] Australian goes to New Zealand

An Australian goes to New Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road and he says "mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

The New Zealand guy says "Fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone"

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

I'd tell a UDP joke...

But I'm not sure if anyone would get it.

My doctor asked me if anyone suffers from mental illness in my family

I said "no we all seem to enjoy it!"

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up

Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

Little John stands up

Teacher: "Ohh, John you think you're stupid?"

Little John: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', h...

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

My parents told me I could be anyone I want to be.

But it turns out that identity theft is a crime.

Apology.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet Offended.


Please be patient I will get to you shortly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is anyone here a penis doctor?

I have an impotent question.

A corrupt policeman asking for bribes

There was a corrupt policeman who always stopped people and asked them for bribes. One time he worked all day and didn't stop anyone. He realized as the sun was going down that he didn't have any money in his pocket so he said to himself, “I'm going to stop the next person I see.” Shortly thereafter...

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A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.

In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.

None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.

Mr. Jones says, "does anyone know what sound a cow makes?"

Nobody moves...

Anyone wanna buy a Delorean?

It has super low milage
I only drive it from time to time!

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Has anyone noticed that (i) looks like (I) that's been beheaded?

Capital punishment?

You can’t blame anyone else for falling in your driveway

That’s your own asphalt.

A Man Walks Into a Bar...

A man walks into a bar and looks up at the ceiling. He sees 2 steaks stuck to the ceiling and a jar filled with 100 dollar bills to the brim. He asks the bartender what is up with the steaks. The bartender says, "I will pay anyone $1,000 if they can get the steaks down, but if you fail, you have to ...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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NSFW, (Not Safe For Anyone). How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

Anyone else ever have their cake day hit them out of nowhere and have no real joke prepared?

Yeah me neither.

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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Can anyone guess the company name that specializes in Prosthetics Assholes.

PROSTI-TOOT

Has anyone seen my marzipan cake?

I think it was stollen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke from my parents' home country

At the international dentist convention the dentists from Iraq were displaying their new extraction technique.

With this device you can remove teeth from a patients mouth by entering through the rectum and navigating through their digestive track to pull the tooth out.

A dentist in the...

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

A man falls asleep in church

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts o...

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine's run out of money.

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says "You're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 ft above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist


I am, replies to man...

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

We all know where the big apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the easter Bunny hides it's eggs?

He doesn't want anyone knowing he's fucking a chicken.

New Boss

The new CEO decides it's time to rid the company of slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers. Seeing a chance to show he meant business, he says to the guy, *"How much money do you make a week?"*

A little surprised, t...

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

Anyone tried the geoguessr game? I wanted to try a France only map with my friend..

.. but he hates Toulouse.

To all the women who are going to be making pregnancy announcements today...

You aren’t fooling anyone, you’ve been showing for months.

I WENT to the bank

and asked to open a joint account.

The banker said, ”Certainly , with who?”

I said, “With anyone who has money.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

Don't tell anyone this…

>!This is Top Secret!<

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

>!This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)!<

Excuses are like farts

I love the sound of my own, but don't want to hear anyone else's

How come witches fly solo?

Because there's no broom left for anyone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

Do you know anyone who drinks gasoline?

My mate Gerry can

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going m...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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Loose and Floppy Vagina

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she foun...

Two ghosts were sharing stories of their deaths.

Juan asked first, "What killed you?"

"I was locked inside a fridge," Pedro said, "I was cold and trembling, then suffocated after an hour."

"That sucks man," replied Juan. "I got a heart attack and passed away."

"What happened?", asked Pedro.

"As I got...

People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc.

Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

Ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot…?

…And everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

St Peter greets them and says, "Sisters, as you all led such wonderful lives, I'm allowing each of you to return to earth for six months in the body of anyone you choose."

The first nun says "I want-a to be Beyonce!" and with that she's gone.

The second nun says "I want-a to be Lady Ga...

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In the middle of a magic show, a chinese guy went to the stage and asked to the magician.

If you are a true magician, then do a magic that can give me someone's valuable thing in my pocket without knowing him. Magician agreed and did the magic.
Magician: So pal, did you get what you want in your pocket?
Guy: Yes.
Magician: Since it is not your property, you should return it to t...

What do you call a dating website for QAnon believers?

Qpid

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

BTW it's about Cupid not stupid, just in case anyone gets offended lmao

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

A true story that my history teacher told me

President Calvin Coolidge was famous for barely talking at all and not speaking to anyone. While campaigning, a woman encountered him on the street and excitedly said “Mr. President! My friend bet me $20 that I could get you to say three words!” Coolidge simply responded “You lose”

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

A frog mother takes her children to register for a Polish daycare...

The man at the door says that he can not allow her child to register for the day care without the proper identifcation. "You see this is a Polish daycare only for the slavic people we do not let anyone in if they do not have any Polish blood in them."
The mother unsure of her ancenstry leaves det...

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US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

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A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself. The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?" The Jew replied, and told the...

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

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A billionaire was having a party at his house

And in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is ...

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

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Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

A CEO needed Wi-Fi...

The CEO walks in on the 134th floor and quickly asked: “Does anyone have the Wi-Fi password?”

One of the employees say “Yes.”

Then the CEO then says, “Never mind, I’ve just connected to a plane’s wi-fi.”

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

My friend said she won’t date anyone who has had COVID.

Some people have no taste.

I'm of opening my own jewelry store

If anyone wants to help, give me a ring.

No matter where I go, I always bring my ukulele

So if anyone asks if I play an instrument, I tell them I play a little guitar.

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