UPJOKE
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Anyone Jokes

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”
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Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend
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Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
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Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.
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We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis
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One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"
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God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...
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Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

Would anyone like to buy a broken barometer.

No pressure.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry
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I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
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Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”

and “non-hyphenated”?
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Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people
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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...
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A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...
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The teacher asked the class: "Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?"

"Me!" I said. "I do, I do!"

"Put your hand up before you speak."

I said, "Exactly."
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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
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Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.
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President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...
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IT dad jokes, anyone?

An old timer IT guy was asked to help one of his clients add a new printer. When he arrived on location, he jumped on the client’s computer and then asked what type of printer it was so he could find it.

The customer frowned, scratched his head, and said “I think it’s a Brother printer, that’...
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Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?
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Do you know anyone selling body parts?

I'd like to buy a bowel.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.
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For anyone in a relationship, take note from Twitter.

Introducing an X after many years is never a good idea.
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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...
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Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl?

Inflation is real
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Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny puts her hand up and says "My mum says we should stay home when we're sick incase we're contagious."

"That's right" the teacher says, "Anyone else?"

Susie says "My grandma says a smile can be contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny pu...

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.
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Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool?

Asking for a friend
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Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

Anyone wanna buy a Delorean?

It has super low milage
I only drive it from time to time!
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Anyone heard of an anime exorcism?

It's when the child tells the priest to get out of the demon's body.
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Does anyone else

like making haikus for fun?

Asking for a friend
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Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...
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If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs
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Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear the joke about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove

I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for a woman to work for the postal service

It's a mail-dominated industry
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The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.
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*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*


“Dammit this is a Soulja board”
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I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.
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Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I just keep hearing the same one over and over and over...
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I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?
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A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...
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Hey, don’t tell anyone that I have a woodpecker…

… and I won’t tell anyone that you have splinters in your mouth.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone Have Cocktail Sauce?

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens excla...

Can anyone show me how to use WD-40?

I'm a bit rusty.
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When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...
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When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

but it turns out that identity theft is a crime. ;(
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Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard
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me: doctor, everything anyone says to me seems to be a palindrome!

doctor: lol
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone here about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

My wife begged me not to tell anyone about her foot fetish.

Well I’ve only gone and put my foot in it.
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Anyone available??

I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone t...
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A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shoute...
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Ford is coming out with a new truck for those who don’t give a damn about anything or anyone

It’s the new F-U50
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If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open
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Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!
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An apple a day keeps anyone away

If you throw it hard enough
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If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it…

It’s a trap.
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Anyone know what a whey is??

Apparently my dad just passed one.
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I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.
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*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"
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Anyone that says money can't buy happiness....

Has never been divorced
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple has a big mean dog that tries to bite anyone who comes close

The vet suggests getting the dog fixed to see if that will calm him down. They start walking the dog to the vet's office to get this done, when the dog spots a homless man down an alley. He pulls away from his owners, runs and attacks the homeless man leaving him a bloody mess.

The couple f...

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.
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Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks
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Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.
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Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking...

... so they can heat their house?
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Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?

Julia raises her hand. “Yes, Julia?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Julia!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Shazza raises her hand. “Yes, Shaz...
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I can't have a meaningful conversation with anyone in the fashion industry...

They're all so clothes-minded...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?

He was a her before.

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.
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Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.
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I don't trust anyone who says "age is just a number"

...cause that shit is obviously just letters.

Does anyone here know any men from Scandinavia?

(I’m asking for a Svend.)
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If anyone of you here needs an ark..

I noah guy
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Does anyone know what an ink blot test is?

I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

Anyone know that one horror game?

I think it’s called “amnesia” but I can’t remember
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For anyone who shoots blanks…

I’m coming for you
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Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?

They say he had loco motives.
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Does anyone here believe in psychokinesis?

Raise my hand.
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I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,

but they’ve always worked for me.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is anyone here a penis doctor?

I have an impotent question.

Don't tell anyone this…

>!This is Top Secret!<

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

>!This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)!<
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I told the women at work that botox doesn't make anyone look younger.

Nobody looked surprised.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

L...

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.
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Why didn't anyone talk to Vincent Van Gogh?

Because he only listened to half of what you said anyway.
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If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!
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Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
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I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.
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Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?
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I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.
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does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.
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Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

l didn't hear anyone trying to fake cry

But Amber Heard.
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Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty
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Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.
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How is it possible for anyone to wear Doc Martens on both feet?

isn't that a pairodocs?
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Anyone who says

Idle hands are the devil’s plaything has clearly never been around a toddler. Those hands don’t stop moving and they cause all hell to break loose
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Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!
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If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat

Don’t open it. It’s Spam.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.
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