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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

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Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried f***ing everything

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

Anyone wanna hang out later? Maybe go bowling?

I'm asking for a friend..

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

If anyone of you here needs an ark..

I noah guy

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

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Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

Does anyone know any good groundhog day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the bla...

My friend said she won’t date anyone who has had COVID.

Some people have no taste.

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

Why couldn't anyone else pull Excalibur from the stone?

They didn't have the Arthurization.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

Anyone can be a mermaid!

*just not for long.*

I just joined a foot fetish group, but I'm not having any luck connecting with anyone.

Everybody I meet, it seems like I'm getting off on the wrong foot.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Anyone want to help start a new conspiracy theory themed cafeteria style restaurant?

We’ll call it “Queue A Nom Nom”

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

Anyone hear about the Magic Tractor

It turned into a field

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

An Apple a day keeps anyone away

If you throw it hard enough

Anyone seen the movie 'The Tractor'?

No?

How about the trailer?

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure..

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

A man shouted into a cave, "Anyone in there?"

A sound in the cave immediately replied, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO".

Then he got ran over by a train.

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?

No?
Better luck tomorrow.

the best present you can give anyone is a set of broken drums

you can’t beat it

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

As a doctor, I don’t want to make jokes about anyone refusing a Covid vaccine.

But let me give it a shot.

Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?

I’m asking for a friend.

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

Anyone knows a joke about sodium ?

Na!

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...

It's Spam.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it's only the first date.

Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year?

It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.

A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, an...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

Has anyone seen my marzipan cake anywhere?

I think it's been stollen.

(My first post to the sub so go easy on me!)

It's Career day tommorow and your allowed to dress up as anyone you looked up towards.

Kyle wanted to dress up as his dad.

He said he'll go to the store for a bit and buy what he needs.

The next day he never came back.

Does anyone else think Moles are underated?

Not a lot of people know about them. They're pretty underground.

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Anyone who doesn’t understand...

The difference between geologists and geographers really rock my world

Does anyone know who Pavlov is?

His name rings a bell...

A man has a heart attack. His wife cries out, ‘is anyone a doctor?’

A woman rushes over, ‘I’m a Doctor of Philosophy’.

The wife says, ‘Ma’am, this is serious, my husband is dying’.

The philosopher replies, ‘we are all dying’.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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A billionaire was having a party at his house

And in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is ...

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

A CEO needed Wi-Fi...

The CEO walks in on the 134th floor and quickly asked: “Does anyone have the Wi-Fi password?”

One of the employees say “Yes.”

Then the CEO then says, “Never mind, I’ve just connected to a plane’s wi-fi.”

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I’m a fan.

Did anyone hear about the cheese factory that exploded

The de-Brie was everywhere

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

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A snake was laughing at an elephant. He said: " Hahahah... i've never seen anyone with a dick on his face before!". The elephant was cross. He replied: "Look at yourself. Your face is on your dick!"

Source: not mine.

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

Has anyone read the Indian wordplay book?

It’s written in punjabi

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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An Australian bloke traveling through New Zealand

Sees a man having sex with a sheep on the road side. He stops the car and says to kiwi "You know, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

Kiwi replies "Fuck off. I'm not sharing her with anyone."

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Joke request: anyone know a good knock knock joke?

This is the best one I know (sorry).

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupt——

MOOOO!

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

An announcement on a plane goes off asking “Is anyone here a doctor?”

12 redditors stand up and say “I’m not a doctor, but...”

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

Does anyone know a good joke in sign language?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard one.

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

If anyone should wish to bequeath their gold to me..

I will be their bullion heir.

I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!

wait....

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

I formed the habit of not telling anyone about my plans until I succeed

now I fail without anybody even knowing.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear about the guy who drowned in a septic tank?

He was in some deep shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

A guy sits down at a bar & orders 9 shots of bourbon...

The bartender says “whoa...are you sure you don’t want to take those one at a time?”

“Nope” he says quickly. So the bartender goes ahead and brings him 9 shots, which he throws down the second they hit the table.

“Good lord,” says the bartender. “I’ve never seen anyone down drinks lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Lots of rain lately - anyone need an Ark built?

I Noah guy.

A true story that my history teacher told me

President Calvin Coolidge was famous for barely talking at all and not speaking to anyone. While campaigning, a woman encountered him on the street and excitedly said “Mr. President! My friend bet me $20 that I could get you to say three words!” Coolidge simply responded “You lose”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

My mind has never been changed by anyone, not even once.

It's been naked its whole life

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A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself. The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?" The Jew replied, and told the...

I've been told I can eat more pastries than anyone else.

Well, if the choux fits...

"Now before we lower the casket, anyone want to say anything?"

"I'm vegan"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around...

that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.Over the years many...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spr...

Anyone out here want to help someone I know kill her husband?

Baskin for a friend.

Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?

It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.

A frog mother takes her children to register for a Polish daycare...

The man at the door says that he can not allow her child to register for the day care without the proper identifcation. "You see this is a Polish daycare only for the slavic people we do not let anyone in if they do not have any Polish blood in them."
The mother unsure of her ancenstry leaves det...

A marxist, an anarchist, and a nihilist walk into a bar

“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve anyone under 18.”

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

Excuse me, did anyone lose a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because I found the 20 dollar bills...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat special.

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

Has anyone else noticed that “strap on”

Is “No parts” backwards. How ironic

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