How do fortune tellers greet each other?

You’re good, how am I?

When one door closes, another one opens.

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

A man is in a bar at closing time, he starts flirting with a female on the way out, and walks her home...

She invites him upstairs for a nightcap, and suddenly they are both naked and all over each other.

After it is over, as they lay in bed, she says “Am I the first one you ever hooked up with like this?”

He looks over and says, “Actually you are. All the other ones were 9s and 10s”

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

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I feel sorry for the magicians I saw the other day....

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and said "FUCK ME".

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek ?

Together...we can stop this shit.

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

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I heard a joke about Oedipus and King Midas the other day.

I forget exactly how it went, but it was mother fuckin gold.

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus the other day,

Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

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What did the tittie say to the other tittie?

If we hang any lower they’re gonna think we’re nuts

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I couldn’t decide what to wear to my premature ejaculator’s anonymous meeting the other day

So I came in my pants

Jesus is on the cross and...

He shouts “Peter, Peter!”

Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!”

Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!”

Peter, now with o...

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

What did the pirate say when he saw two of his shipmates pegging each other?

What are you doing to my leg??

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner. No hemo.

I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day

The reception was much better

I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?

"Lookin sharp !"

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I came across a man crying in the street the other day

He said it was the last thing he needed.

A girl broke up with me in a sushi place the other day

She said “it’s not me, its-u”

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

What did one wall say to the other wall?

“Let’s, uh, meet in the corner”

What did the bear say to the other bear after Ronald McDonald ran away from him?

That’s the problem with fast food

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

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My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

What is American football called in other countries?

30.48 cm ball

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton?

I've got a bone to pick with you.

I bought the blacksmith's dog the other day.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

When I called those two party girls hipsters the other day, they got pretty mad at me.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ...

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?

Everyone

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking

Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

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I went for a job interview the other day...

The interviewer asked:
"What is your worst quality?"

I said: "I'm too honest.."

He said: "I don't think that's a bad quality!"

I said: "I don't give a fuck what you think.... "

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

How did one O greet the other O?

Ohayo

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other...

How do you drive this thing.

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

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The other night I was lying in bed looking at the stars thinking.....

Where the fuck has my roof gone?

I took my kid in for a circumcision the other day and noticed they had a tip jar...

...it was disgusting.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

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I saw a girl with 6 pairs of boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit ?

Many horses were asked if they like being used for riding or other activities...

...the unanimously answer was "neigh".

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MEAT, DOG, WIFE OR BLOW JOB. WHICH ONE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ?

BLOW JOB. BECAUSE YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, DOG AND MEAT BUT NOTHING BEATS A BLOW JOB.

I got rear-ended the other day and my neck still hurts. I think I'm going to they that Chinese thing with the needles...

You know...heroin.

When geese are flying in a V, why is it that one side is always longer than the other?

There's more geese on that side

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

What did the earth say to all the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

I ate Wookie Meat the other day,

It was Chewy.

Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

What did one organ say to the other when their person peed their pants?

You got to be kiddiney right now!!

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If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?

some big ass hands

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

What did one urinal say to the other urinal?

“On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate.”

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...

An old man and a young man bump into each other at the grocery store

They each say excuse me and the young man says "I'm sorry I bumped into you, it's just that I'm looking for my wife. I lost her somewhere in another asile."

The old man says I am also looking for my wife. Let's help each other. Tell me what does your wife look like?

The young man repli...

My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

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I saw a transvestite prostitute wearing a mini skirt the other day and thought,

That shows a lot of balls.

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

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Two planets meet each other.

"What's going on with you, you're looking terrible", says one.

"Yes", the other one replies. "Actually I'm feeling like shit."

"But what kind of disease do you have?" asks the first one.

The other one: "It's called homo sapiens."

The first planet: "Oh, that's really hard....

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

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I caught my parents having sex, the other day.

Worst 45 minutes of my life.

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What did one spice say to the other spice during sex?

I’m cumin.

Two honeydew melons in a patch had just met, but immediately fell madly in love with each other.

One of the melons came from a strict and abusive family, and desparately wanted to get married. The other melon loved her so much, that he went to the father's patch to ask his permission to marry.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I wish to marry her. Do I have your permission?", th...

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What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

I was driving by a playground the other day,

Y'know slides I can get down with, but swings I go back and forth on.

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

What did one twin say to the other after surviving a failed abortion.

They will never de-fetus.

what did the cop call the other cop he liked?

his brother in law.

I bought a book about photons the other day

It was for a bit of light reading

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

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There's a porn site that makes you watch 30 minutes of dwarf-MILF action before you can access any other content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

I finally stopped caring what other people think!

I hope everyone is ok with that?

The other day there was a spider

I was told not to smash it but take it out. So I did. We went and got dinner and turns out he was a really nice guy, he wants to be a web designer.

We had a super hot waitress the other night, my friend asked if he should give her a good tip...

I suggested he give her both inches...

What did the sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?

Let’s get the flock outta here.

Two flies are sitting on top of my head. Then one asks the other:

*"Do you remember how we used to play hide and seek up here?"*

I tried to impress a girl the other day by putting my foot down on the pedal

Turns out, she’d already seen a bin open like that before

Wife Got Mad at Me the Other Day...

The wife got mad at me the other day for not cleaning up the ice cubes I accidentally dropped earlier.

I told her to relax, it's just water under the fridge.

The Legend of the Three Kingdoms on the Lake

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

Th...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

My obese parrot died the other day

I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders

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