Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Two dead bodybuilders meet each other in hell

Dude 1: Hey there man, you know where I can get a protein shake around here?


Dude 2: There’s no whey in hell

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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I met this girl the other day and she

tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it's at about this time ...

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

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I held the door for a Japanese man the other day...

And he said, “sank you.”

So I punched him right in the face.

I can’t believe he’d bring up Pearl Harbor like that.



Happy Pearl Harbor Day!

Biden and Barack don't tell each other "yo mama" jokes...

they tell each other Jo 'Bama jokes.



(I'm sorry, it's terrible)

Don't blame others for the road your on

if you don't like it, its your own asphault

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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NSFW. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place.

We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Th...

A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. "First offender," the judge asked.

"No" she replied "First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I went 'extreme' camping the other day........

It was in tents.

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

My 3.5 year olds favourite joke: how do the oceans say hello to each other?

They wave.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She replied; "I'm late for work!"

"Oh yeah?", Said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded
The cop stammered, "a-what...?"

"A ...

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

An international school teacher asks: “What’s your own honest opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”

An African student responds: What's food?

A Western European student: What's scarcity?

An Eastern European student: What's honest?

A Chinese student: What's opinion?

A Russian student: What's your?

An American student: What's other countries?

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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

I broke my finger the other day

On the other hand, I’m okay!

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

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Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other...

"Oh, shit, I think we messed up the joke."

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else’s pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven.He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sati...

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My dog quit smoking the other day

She’s been a real bitch lately.

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

My wife was mad the other day..

So I gave her a cape.

Now she's Super Mad.

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I got some cum in my ear the other night........

ended up with hearing aids

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

What did one hat say to the other?

You wait here, I’ll go on a head.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

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So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

And I couldn’t help but notice the distinct taste of horse semen. Then I thought to myself....”maybe that’s how she died”

Go to other people's funerals

Otherwise they won't go to yours.

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I was on a blind date with a woman the other day when she told me that she was "Pansexual"

...so I said "That's not a problem with me, but I am curious what your preference is though...



skillets or woks?"

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

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What did two tampons walking down the street say to each other (NSFW)

Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

I was in a cafe the other day...

And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...

Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it

(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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What do people always have but never give it to others?

A shit.

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, ‟The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien asks, ‟Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, ‟I do not think so, they have aimed at themselves”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them. “That I’m going to give you a special gift…“I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.The two handsome figures approach...

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A joke a work colleague told me the other day

A man is waiting for a bus on a rainy day and decides to seek some shelter. He noticed an open doorway next to the bus stop and decides to go in.

When he gets in he sees three doors with signs next to them, they read: brunette, redhead and blonde. The man likes redheads so he enters that door...

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I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...

Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

I met an exotic dancer the other night...

Pretty cool, I've never known anyone from Iowa before.

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I went into the bathroom the other day....

and I lost my shit

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spt the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, ‟Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.”

I loked her over on...

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So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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I feel sorry for the magician i saw the other day...

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed “FUCK ME”

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

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I went to see the doctor the other day

Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.
I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”
I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

I spent $1500 on a limo the other day, but it didn’t even come with a driver.

Imagine that, I spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it

What does a felon falling from an airplane and a significant other talking down to you have in common?

Condescending

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

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An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

My friend spends 75% of his time playing American Football and the other 25% playing Baroque music.

He's a quarterbach.

I went looking for waterbirds the other day.

No egrets.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it was not cremated with the rest of him.

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Shot my first turkey the other day.

Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section!

I have always head that Canadians are nicer than most other people...

... that’s not really Trudeau.

John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore.

Such pear pressure

Finally took a lady out the other day...

...my mother.

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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, say...

The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!

The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.

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Went to a party for amputees the other day

The place was crawling with pussy

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It is what he would’ve wanted...

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

What does one wall say to the other?

Wall, hello there!

(Credit to my 6yr old niece)

When you see geese flying in a V, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

That side has more geese.

I rear ended an Audi the other day

Now it's an Innie

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Can you smell carrots?"

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other."

As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

What did the one caveman with muscle spasms say to the other caveman with muscle spasms?

...Backy-a-sore-us!

Two atoms go on a date...when suddenly, one of them drops an electron and gasps. The other atom asks...are you sure?

I'm positive! Replies the other atom.

Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

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I was out for a walk the other night and I was approached by a very scantily clad young lady who asked me if I would like some super sex.

"If it's all the same to you", I replied, "I'll just have the soup".

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can not believe they’re still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my room.

I didn't know what to make of it.

What did one pharaoh say to the other when they both farted?

We have a toot in common.

I was walking past the outside of an insane asylum the other day

and as I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I s...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support

people will think we’re nuts

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I saw my neighbour who was a dwarf standing at the bud stop the other morning

So I stopped and said “Jump in, I’ll give you a lift”

“Fuck off!” He said,

And I thought to myself “ what an ungrateful little person”

So I zipped up my backpack and walked off.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Everyone says the other side is the devil, but why wasn't actual Baphometh on the ballot?

Turns out, Spoonerists' "vet out the goat" campaign was a success.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women

But it was all just Hera-say

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...

I said "Its a scarf"...

What did one loaf of German bread say to the other?

Gluten tag!

What did one bored Baker say to the other?

You knead to have fun.

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

I always told my wife the old saying "the grass is always greener on the other side."

I wish I didn't because now she divorced and married my neighbor.

What did the suicide bomber say to the other suicide bomber?

I bet you don't have the guts to do that again.

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

What did one ocean say to the other ?

"See"you later

Somebody called me condescending the other day...

It means that you talk down to people.

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Two men are changing in a locker room when one notices a cork up the other guy's ass.

So he asks him, "How'd you get that cork up your ass?" And the guy says, "Well I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I am a genie, I will grant you one wish." So I said "No shit?"

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What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

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The other day, I couldn't get my tractor to start

The other day, I couldn't get my tractor to start. So I went round the front to see why it wasn't working. I flicked a lever, fiddled with a few buttons, pulled the line...

And then it hit me.

Yoda: Dark it is, the other side

Luke: Shut up and eat your toast.

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

What did the weak dinosaur say to the other buff dinosaur?

I don't like a-steroids.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having bad gas.

It wasn't bothering me because I'm Anosmic (no sense of smell), but my wife and kids were complaining.

By the time doctor came into the examination room, I had passed gas at least four times. They felt like smelly farts, but I couldn't really tell.

I told the doctor about my problem, ...

I was doing the hoovering in my pants the other day

When I thought to myself ‘how do my bollocks get this dusty?’

Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box

The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?”

The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”

There are two lithium atoms walking along, and one says to the other,

“Phil, I think I lost an electron back there.”

So Phil says, “Really Jason, are you sure?”

And Jason replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Biden and Trump compete against each other in an election. Who loses?

The American people

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My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

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If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big fucking hands

Went to the doctor the other day after drinking a gallon of food coloring

I was peeing all these funny colors. He diagnosed me with a case of "dye urea".

The other day I walked into a bar...

...my head’s doing fine, no need to ask.

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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My friend came over to visit the other day.

He saw my German Shepherd in the corner licking his balls and said "boy...I sure wish I could do that."

I said "well you should probably pet him first, he can be pretty mean."

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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