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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,

How do you drive this thing?

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

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Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."

Two rival landscaping companies have been killing each others staff

They're in a turf war

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

Two friends are out for a walk when one turns and asks the other: “if you could have absolutely anything right now, what would it be?”

The other friend thinks for a moment before replying: “I really want to have a nice, relaxing evening at home watching my favourite show with my friend.” The other friend looks extremely confused an says, “What? Imagine you could have ANYTHING. Anything you could have ever dreamt of. A massive house...

My grandpa died the other day as nobody could figure out his blood type. I won't forget his last words

'Be positive! Be positive!'

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:

"How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

When birds migrate, they fly in a V. One side of the V is always longer than the other. Know why?

One side has more birds.

The other day I tried to be inspirational by saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

And now I'm banned from AA for life

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

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Two tampons bump in to each other in the street. Which one says hello first?

Neither. They’re both stuck up cunts

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How do cows greet each other in Germany?

Gluten tag.

I tried hitting on my barber the other day

I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

What did one sperm say to the other sperm?

How far to the uterus?

Uterus hell, we have to get past the esophagus first!

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day

Now we just call him Dav

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Dude, I attended the fertilizer convention the other day...

...yeah, it was a real shitshow.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other day..

I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

So I was at the laundromat the other day

I went to the change machine to get some quarters. It took my bill but nothing came back out.

And I thought, "that doesn't make cents."

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

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If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together.

I shit you knot.

Three redneck friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.

They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

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Back in high school I made friends with this girl that had lost her legs. I never understood why people didn't talk to her. Since I was a close friend, she had invited me to a party with other girls without legs.

That place was crawling with pussy.

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...

I stopped seeing her for a while.

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I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking.

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

40% of Police are reported to have beaten their significant other...

The other 60% are single.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

The other day I was trying to help a blind man avoid the stairs...

So I yelled “watch out!” He still fell down.

I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying "We value your privacy."

Well I know that. How else could you sell it?

A book fell on my head the other day.

I only have my shelf to blame though.

You think your day was bad? Imagine being miles and miles away from home, hot and sweaty from the 50 pound uniform you’re wearing , people don’t accept you. They think you’re a monster. Thank god there’s other people like me or I wouldn’t be able to handle being here .

Thank god for the furry convention.

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Is this a bad time to say that I really like certain races and absolutely hate others?

The hundred metres dash is my favourite. The marathon is awful.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...

"OK, combine them."

"Your wife is cheating on us."

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Every other basic response: “We stand with our black employees :)”

**Ben & Jerry’s:** “WE GOTTA FUCKIN SMASH WHITE SUPREMACY. FUCK THE KKK AND FUCK YOU. BLACK LIVES MATTER. OUR NEW FLAVOR IS CALLED FUCK THE POLICE. ITS GOT BLUEBERRIES”

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Gee it's hot in here"

The other one shouted "Wow, a talking muffin"

Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick...

...had to switch to Def Leopard

Other hole of my lady!

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her, you know, ‟other hole”. I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

I went over to my girlfriends house the other day.

*knock knock*

Her: Who's there?

Me: it's me, let me come in.

Her: it's me, let me come in *who*?

Me: it's me, let me in come in you

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day...

I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"

He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."

What did the ghost pirate say to the other ghost pirate?

Aghast ye!

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day,

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

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PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One looks at the other and says

‘I think we got this joke wrong’.

I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

I dropped my cactus the other day

The worst part is, I caught it

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

I went in the butchers the other day.

I said: "You've got a sheep's head in the window."

The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."



"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger would...

Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?

Because when they do, they crack each other up

My friend and I were backstage with band U2 and two other people.

I said “hey look, I’m here with u2, you two, and you too!”

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

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A nun walks up to two other nuns

"Sisters, I have something terrible to tell you. Last month, when I was putting away Father Jacob's shirts, I found a box of condoms in his dresser."

"Oh my," says the second nun. "What did you do?"

"I took a pin from my pincushion and poked holes in all of them," she answers.
...

A father and a son were talking about the possibility of cloning each other. The son says, “Umm, I don’t know about that. I don’t really fully understand what it does.” The father looks at him and says..

“Well son, that makes two of us.”

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

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I went to see my Doctor the other day

"Can you have a look at my cock and tell me if it looks normal to you?"

"No" I said.

What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand?

A toothbrush

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Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.

Moral: In life no one helps you once you're screwed.

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

I told a joke to a giant sea creature the other day.

I knew it was a good one because they were kraken up.

(Thought of this joke at 2am the other day, hope ya like it)

I was out shopping with the wife the other day when i saw a group of young ladies all wearing mini skirts.

I said, "Ooh look at those legs, I bet you wish you had legs like them?"
She didn't answer, but I think it upset her because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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I saw two rodents giving each other oral sex

Mice

What did the chair say to the other chair?

Nothing, chairs don't talk.

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

Why can't pigs hear each other on the phone?

Because they have a pork connection.

The other day I was asked if you could die in the LIVING room.

I said, "Of course! Once you do, it becomes an office."

I had some Burger King chicken nuggets the other day

They were just offal

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What did one testicle say to the other testicle?

“Don’t talk to the guy in the back, he’s an asshole.”

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[NSFW] I had sex after taking laxatives the other day...

Fuck that shit, definitely never doing it again

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

What is the other name for a really bad party bus?

A porta party

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

The other states are always a bit antisocial but

Hawaii’s always down to pop in and say Hi

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

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I bought some laxatives the other day.

The other day I went down to the store to buy some laxatives. When I brought them to the counter the cashier said "having some problems?" To which I replied "yeah, no shit".

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

A police officer turned up at my house the other day and told me my dad was pronounced dead

I couldn’t believe I’d been pronouncing it wrong all this time

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Out of the blue the other day I imagined a porn parody featuring works from Stephen King and Disney

Don’t know why that came to mind, but It was fucking goofy

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

So a girl phoned me the other day and said “come on over, there’s nobody home”

I came over and there was nobody home

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How is sex work different from other occupations?

You get fired unless you suck at your job

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."

I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

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one day husband and wife were talking to each other..

husband: Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

wife: Your penis is longer than your friends...

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Once saw a kid getting jumped by four other kids, so I decided to step in

poor bastard didn’t stand a chance against all five of us

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Why are same-sex couples more happy then other couples?

Because they are gay

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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What do you call 12 naked dudes sitting on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

I complemented some corn the other day.

It smiled from ear to ear.

I was at the Doctor the other day...

I was at the doctor the other day and they kept throwing around numbers. Apparently I’m a whole 80 HD!

I saw a guy growing rhubarb the other week

I asked him what he put on his

“Horse manure” he replied

“That’s odd, I put custard on mine”

What did one snowman say to the other snow man?

Do you smell carrot

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The one turns to the other and says:

“Does he taste funny to you?”

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money, he just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the st...

Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...

I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swallowed a piece of rope the other day.

I shit you knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other

"You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,...

What did one petri dish say to the other?

Ahh, I see you too are a man of culture.



What did the petri dish say to the refrigerated porkchop?

>!Uncultured Swine!!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear ...

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front doors of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running towards the exit, trampling over each-other in a frantic effort to try and escape evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious of the fact that God's mortal enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walks up to the man and asks, "do you know who I am?"

The man replies, "yep, sure do."

"Aren...

My friend and I asked each other who they knew would be most likely to cheat on someone

I laughed. "My girlfriend"

He tapped me on the shoulder. "You mean MY girlfriend..."

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