UPJOKE
differentoppositeanotherotherwisepastunusualseveralvariousstrangeseparatesameonlypoweridentityrepresentation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"&l...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said ‘it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck’

I said ‘I know’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

Living in LA, I thought I had seen it all. Then the other day, I saw a location for a Superman-themed restaurant chain, specializing in diet stromboli and other Italian food, run by an area Muslim deer hunter.

It was my local SoCal low-cal all-elk halal "Kal-El's Calzone Zone" locale.

What did one German bread say to the other?

Gluten Tag

I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just ..too much history between us.

Two atoms bump into each other.

2 atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I lost an electron" The other asks,"Are you sure?"
To which the first replies, "I am positive"

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

If you stack two tacos on top of each other, you get two tacos.

But if you stack two lasagnas on top of each other, you get one lasagna.

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

The other day I bought Canadian insurance, but then I realized how stupid that was.

When am I gonna get attacked by a Canadian?

Told a joke that was so good at work the other day.

So good in fact, that HR wanted to hear it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

I saw a flock of raven flying in the sky the other day

It was an act of unkindness

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

you ever hear about Darth Vader's other daughter, Ella Vader?

She's really going up in the world.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

The other day I saw a sausage delivery truck crash.

It took a turn for the wurst.

How do dried fish greet each other?

«Long time, no sea»

I was pulling my boxers off in bed the other day

God I love those dogs

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

I went to the doctor's the other day for a prostate exam...

He gave me the thumbs up!

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

What did the plate, say to the other plate?

Dinners on me!

I had a go at my local Chinese the other day, as they keep putting their prices up.

They said it was because their electricity bill was 10 grand a month. I said they should turn off some of their lights then. They said they can't turn them all off, but they do dim sum.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

There are two kids, one is named Be Quiet and the other is named Trouble

They are both best friends. One day, they get separated and Be Quiet goes to a police officer asking if they had seen his friend.
The police officer says, “What’s your name, kid?”
“Be Quiet,” the kid says.
Confused and a bit taken aback, the officer replies, “Hey, are you looking for t...

My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

Went to a seafood disco the other day

Pulled a mussel

I was at the bus stop the other day when I saw a man with only one leg

I looked at his one leg, and I looked at my two. I looked back at his one leg and I thought, he must be rubbish at tabletennis

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

Why couldn’t the snake get the other snake pregnant

It had a reptile dysfunction.

A mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked

The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid i...

i picked up this copy of the Iliad the other day...

I picked what I thought was a copy of the Iliad the other day. But when I started reading it, I saw someone had just slapped the dust cover from The Iliad on a YA Fantasy novel based upon Greek Mythology. That's when I realized I had been RickRiordaned.

Two beggars, one dressed as a rabbi and the other a monk, are sitting adjacent to each other outside of a church collecting charity one Sunday morning

And with each churchgoer who passes by on the way to Sunday services, they deliberately walk past the rabbi, some even spitting down at him, and then very obviously taking pains to give the monk a donation. With each passerby the begging Rabbi’s bowl remains empty, while the monk’s gets progressivel...

I threw the dog a ball the other day

It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!

Now that there are YouTube shorts does that make all the other videos longs?

Or Pants?

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others.

He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.

It is yours, but others use it more than you. What is it?

Yo mama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went camping with my significant other last weekend…

It was fucking in-tents.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

The other night...

...I was walking home and there was this female walking in front of me. She looked behind her and then started walking faster, so I walked faster. She then looked behind her again and started to walk even faster, so I walked faster. Then she started to run so I took off running as well. She then bro...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

I bumped into my friend who’s a waitress the other day

She wasn’t very happy about it

Hey, did you hear about the Star Wars fanatic who's been stealing autograph books and photo albums from other fans at conventions?

They call him the fan-tome menace.

I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,

"They're behind you!"

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day...

“What did he want?”

A loan again, naturally.

Why did the one salad take a picture of the other salad?

Because the salad was dressing

What is something that is yours, but others use more than you?

A joke on this subreddit.

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One dog says to the other...

How do you like that? Pay toilets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you are dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

Also when you're fucking stupid.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was talking to me the other day about masturbation. He said “son if you keep jerking it, you’ll go blind.”

I said “dad I’m over here!”

I went shopping the other day, found a talking light bulb.

He seem bright.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together,we can stop this shit.

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

I was diagnosed with color blindness the other day.

It really came out of the purple.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.

He said, “F**k off.”

I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”

I said, “He told me to f**k off.”

“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"

"I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door.

5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you ...

Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink...

They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend's wife in bed wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons pass each other in the hallway

But neither says hello, because they’re both stuck up cunts.

I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00

So I drove off without paying.

They took me to court and I got fined $75.00

I will be back next week with more money saving tips...

I got a letter the other day without a return address on it. I assumed it was from the Philippines...

It was in a Manila envelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

My wife and I are allowed to see other people but only if they're from another country

We're Ethnically Non Monogamous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

Two men enter a bar in the Russia. One says, "Why does Putin only write in lowercase?" The other one says,

"Because he is afraid of capitalism."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a door-to-door salesman

A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff.

The do...

The other day I woke up a millionaire

Then I apologized and proceeded to serve him breakfast in bed

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other

So now it's just a waiting game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack shit

Never let others keep you down, never stop trying and never be afraid to fight for what you want.

Unless your name is Amber Heard in which case can you please stop? Like, now please?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a crossdressing comedian the other day,

He wasn’t very funny but at least he had the balls to do it.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

What do you call a snail that sleeps with others a lot?

A slug.

what did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool Ranch Bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dogs sniff each other's bottoms

A long time ago, dogs used to have detachable bottoms. The polite thing to do when they went places was to remove their bottom and hang it up on a hook. Kind of like a hat on a hat-rack.



Now this was a time of prohibition. The local mob boss was running a speakeasy in the basement of...

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

I went to a subway with my wife the other day

I ordered a clubhouse sandwich, and watched as the guy behind the counter added in all the ingredients. When he got to the end, he put a little stick through the sandwich to keep it together. Then, to my surprise, he got another stick and stuck it in as well! He kept going for several minutes, until...

I saw a homeless woman in the rain the other night and offered to take her home with me...

You should have seen her face when I ran off with her cardboard box!

I ain't got anything with the others but..

Perpendicular Bisector is a Plus

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c***s.

The other day I was wondering, what did people do for fun before the Internet?

I asked my 12 siblings, and they didn’t know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

I was in the car the other day with the Misses when she said to me " im sure the people in the car next to us are welsh" What makes you think that i said.

" well cos the kids in the back are writing "stit ruoy su wohs" on the window.........

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My premature ejaculation problem started when my other half dressed up as a superhero

Before I knew it I came in a Flash

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

My girlfriend isn't like other girls

She is actually willing to sleep with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

I don't like discussing sunglasses with other people....

I find it to be a very polarizing subject

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

I went to a great restaurant the other day -- it has absolute best brats, franks, and other sausages I've ever had!

It was literally the wurst place in town.

What did one fence say to the other fence?

I like your stile

I was talking to a council worker the other day and I asked him "What's it like working for the council?

"Oh you know you have good days and bad days."

"Swings and roundabouts I suppose"

"Yeah sometimes we fill potholes as well."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside and asked,

"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," and he went back to play with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, "Grandma, it...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I went to the zoo the other day

I saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity...

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Won a pretty big lottery the other day....

I told my wife pack to pack her bags, I just won the lottery! She was so excited asking what to pack....I said I don't care, get the fuck out!

Why are you always watching other people play video games on Twitch son? Sounds boring.

Anyway, gotta catch the football game on TV.

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.