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Other Jokes

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?

"Whoops, my fault"

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.

I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

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The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

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My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.

I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....

.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other?

drivers

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

It’s called a threesome because there‘s you and two other people.

A foursome is called that because its you and three other people.

I guess now we know why your mom calls you “handsome”.

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

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What did one ass cheek say to the other ass cheek?

If we get together we can put a stop to this shit.

Other hole

A Greek father was talking to his daughter on her wedding day. He says daughter you don’t have to let your husband put it in the other hole if you don’t want to. Later that night the husband says turn over my love. I want to put it in the other hole. The wife screams: I don’t have to if I don’t want...

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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I shot a Black Man the other day

I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .

The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

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I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole th...

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Florida?”

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
"Rear toilet?" He suggests. "Five minutes".

She agrees and goes off.

He waits for five minutes, then goes and sli...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

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What do you call naked men standing on each other’s shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."

Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work ]

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn...

My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.

I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?

The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

I told my girlfriend I wanted to start seeing other people

It's really hard to close my eyes whenever someone else comes into view. Plus it makes driving really dangerous.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later,...

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The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend...

...I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"

I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."

I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

Why eggs don't tell jokes to each other?

Because they might crack each other up. :)

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

The other day I held the door for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

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Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've...

how do tiny people greet each other?

With a microwave!

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day...

"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece b...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

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The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

I threw a ball for my dog the other day

A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.

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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jok...

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

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What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

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