An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get some support soon people will think that we're nuts!

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later,...

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian

Least I could do for it

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

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What did one bloody tampon say to the other bloody tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

A wife and husband were in a car talking to each other.

Wife : would you sleep with my best friend in order to save my life?

Husband : uhh, of course. I'd do anything to save your life, even if I had to sleep with Jessica.

Wife : what? Whose Jessica?

Husband : uhh, your best friend? Who is it? Lauren?

Wife : What??? No ...

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

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What do two tampons walking down the road say to each other?

Nothing, they are both stuck up c*nts

A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor

Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.


-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see an...

I farted at work the other day…

and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

Man goes for an interview and there are two others already there when he arrives.

First guy gets called in and the interviewer says “tell me something you notice about me”. He replies “uh, you haven’t got any ears”. GET OUT!! the interviewer screams. NEXT!

Next guy goes in and the question is repeated: “tell me something you notice about me”. He also replies “uh, you haven...

Why don't lions hang out with other species?

**Their pride gets in the way.**

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

I tried catching fog the other day...

Mist..

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

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What do you call a gonad that thinks it's better than the other one?

Egotesticle

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My TV remote just suddenly stopped working the other day.

I guess I must have really pressed its buttons.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

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I was enjoying my trip to the glory hole until I heard a man moan from the other side of the wall...

I was pretty upset when I found out I was sucking a dudes cock the whole time.

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

Why is the Sagittarius distinct from other constellations?

Because it is the centaur of attention.

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

So, the other day my landlord asked me out on a date.

I mean, they called it "an eviction" but I knew what they meant.

2 friends meet each other. Matt is afraid, while Lycas is wet.

Lucas says: "Why are you scared?". Then Matt replies: "Yesterday, I was driving my car and accidentally I hit deer. I tought it was dead, so I thrown it in a nearby lake. By the way, why are you wet?". Lucas replies: "I was going to a costume party, dressed like a deer. Then someone hit me, and then...

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

The blonde, the policeman, the jew, and the chicken from the other side of the road enter a bar.

The bartender stares at them for a few seconds, then asks: "Is this a joke?"

If you lose one of your senses, your other senses get enhanced

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self'importance.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

I saw a homeless man the other day and I had some money on me. I wanted to be conservative with it

So I told him to get a job

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Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

I just found out the other day that my car is a big supporter of the LGBT communtiy

The mechanic even said that the car has a great trans mission.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I read a bad thesaurus the other day.

And it wasn't just *bad*, it was *bad*.

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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Two Nazis with a lisp raced each other...

They wanted to see who was the fascist

A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" The other guy says,

"I don't know. What was her maiden name?”

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Mississippi?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Mississippi?”

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

Cookie Monster was so traumatized the other day.

He had nom flashbacks.

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

I was sitting in traffic the other day

Probably why I got run over

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

So I was at the grocery store the other day…

and the bagger asked me if I wanted paper or plastic sacks.

I said “either is fine. I’m bisacksual.”

An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"

"I know, I got a car just like that"

Two rival pirate captains agreed to blind each other as a sign of peace between their parties

It was an “Aye” for an “Aye”

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So the one butt cheek says to the other,

"Between you and me, something doesn't smell right."

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

What did earth tell the other planets?

Get a life!

A girl asked me the other night. "are you packing"?

I said yeah I gotta be out of my parents by Sunday who told you?

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

I got speaking to a soldier the other day

I was interested in his story so I asked him what his rank was but apparently it's a secret; he said it was Private.

So two men are in coffins, one of them hears a sound, so he says to the other: “are you coffin in there?”

Fun fact: this is how they tested if my laughing gas was working at the dentist. I laughed my but off so they knew it was working.

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

How does one hacker flirt with the other

"I'll show you yours if you show me mine"

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

I used to steal jokes from other comedians

I still do, but I used to too.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

The other day I was attacked by a gang of clowns

So I went straight for the juggler.

I lost my mood ring the other say…

I don’t know how I feel about it.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

I was talking to a friend the other day.

I told him that my wife had gone on holiday in the Caribbean.

‘Jamaica?’, he asked.

‘Nah’, I said, ‘It was her choice’.

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?'

I said 'Not at all'
He said 'Kiss?'
I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel'

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

I’ve always been told that you shouldn’t tell jokes at other people’s expense.

Which makes me question the ethics of charging people to watch stand up comedy.

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

I try my best to not tear others down.

Unless they're taped to a wall. Then I kinda have to.

Other than that Mrs Lincoln….

Did you enjoy the show?

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

I think many people just post on Reddit so they can let people know how much better they are than other people.

Thank God I am above that.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I was in a bar the other night going from barstool to barstool hoping to get lucky…

But there wasn’t gum under any of them.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk...

The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and fin...

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

What do you call a hippo that tells other hippos to not be aggressive?

A hippocrite.

my public pool's showers has two different soap dispensers one is white and the other soap is transparent

i asked my life guard about the difference between them

he said that the white one is shampoo for hair

and the transparent is for the body.

me being bald i asked him: so i use one soap?

he was silent for a second while he looked at my body me wearing only my swimming shor...

The other day, my friend died of heartburn

I can’t believe Gav is gone

Why won’t a pair of lobsters share their best jokes with each other?

Because they are two shellfish

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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Nude blonde in a casino.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the...

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence,

but it still has to be mowed

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

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Sunny day the other day and my girlfriend said “can you pull the blind?”

I said “yeah, easy, just put on a sexy voice and be nice to their dogs”

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

The other day my daughter asked me what it was like living in the '60s.

I took a hit off my joint and said "Huh?"

Two tradesman set up for road work: one a veteran and the other a literalist rookie.

“You just stand there by the ‘end road work’ work sign and direct folks through the orange cones”, says the veteran.

“But I’m not sure I can do that, that’s a big responsibility to carry for a lot of people”.

“Sure you can, it’s a simple job, they’ll get the message”.

After the ...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

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Made for each other - a thread

How would you describe the perfect couple of eggs?

- Laid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of prostitutes?

- Paid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of necrophilliacs?

- Dead for each other


How would you desc...

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