My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night...

Everybody came..

You should have seen her face

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

My wife talked to me, about what to name our twin daughters, yesterday. I replied Kate, and the other one?

DupliKate

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

Why was c afraid of all the other letters?

Because they were not c’s

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What did the two suicidal people say to each other?

nothing..... they were just hanging....

The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

I found r/atheism the other day

Still can't believe it

I got the World’s Worst thesaurus the other day.

Not only was it terrible, but it was terrible.

I ran into my ex the other day.

Then I put it in reverse and double tapped just to be sure.

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Why was the letter "C" afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet?

All the others were Nazis

I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had.


I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?.............

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

Why can't two male doctors marry each other?

Because it would be a paradocs.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

Two cows are at the slaughter house, and one cow said to the other cow

Don’t be concerned but I think our lives are at steak

What did one Chinese man say to the other Chinese man?

(Censored)

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I visited a monastery the other day...

....and as I walked passed the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, "Are you the Friar?" He replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

So I beat my son the other day

Man he sucks at mario kart

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

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I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.

As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that".

He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".

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A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing. Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend. The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up. The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' t...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

I saw that police were looking for a gravedigging corpse stealer. The other day, I saw a man offering people inanimate bodies for free.

It was kind of a dead giveaway.

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Saw an office sign the other day, it said Ditcher, Quick & Hyde...

...Divorce lawyers

I was walking at a park when I see two blind men are gonna fight each other

So I yelled "Watch out! He's got a knife!"
And so.. they're both running away.

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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.

Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"

...

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I feel sorry for the magicians I saw the other day....

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and said "FUCK ME".

What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"



No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

So I was sucking off this girl the other day when I thought..

Hol’ up..

Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Bob, I've always wondered are you friesian?'

Bob thinks about it for a minute and replies 'No, I'm quite warm actually'

Why are fax machines mean to others?

Because fax don’t care about your feelings

The other day I told a joke about Christ at work and everybody laughed.

I nailed it.

What did the sub atomic duck say to the other sub atomic ducks?

Quark

My friends Goldfish died the other day So I surprised her and got her an identical one!

She was furious saying “what am I supposed to do with two dead goldfish?”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

Me and my crush asked each other out during chemistry

It was pretty Fe-ic

I took my environmental science exam the other day and it went perfect; I proved myself to be an examplary student.

I put my exam paper in the recycling bin.

Saw a little creeper when playing Minecraft the other day

Call that a baby boomer

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

The functions stopped calling each other...

Because they had constant arguments.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

I hate people who steal other people's post ideas...

I really do.

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek ?

Together...we can stop this shit.

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

I was out shopping the other day and found a very interesting item: curduroy pillowcases

I think they're gonna make headlines

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is

So one guy say to the other guy "hey dude, do you want a pamphlet?"

The other guy says "brochure"

My wife asked me the other day in bed "if you could have a threesome with me and anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said

"Anyone living."

What do you call a martial artist who watches his wife bang other guys?

Cuck Norris

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My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

I hurt my foot while driving the other day, guess who I called

a toe company

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

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Two Israeli men were sitting beside each other. One notices that the other is reading Palestinian propaganda.

He says, "why are you reading that bullshit? The Palestinians want us dead!"

The other says, "well, the Israeli newspapers say "Israel is doomed, the Jews are hated, we're oppressed", but this says "The Jews run the world, Israel runs our governments, the Israelis are taking over"... I like t...

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

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I heard a joke about Oedipus and King Midas the other day.

I forget exactly how it went, but it was mother fuckin gold.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

My wife left me the other day.

Said I didn't listen to her. Or something like that.

I bought a new ‘extra sensitive’ toothpaste the other day

It’s doesn’t work any better. It just sits in the shower and cries

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I was watching a porno the other day that had a really dull storyline...

I was bored stiff.

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

What did one popcorn bag say to the other?

I bet you're pretty pop-ular.







Please don't kill me. . .

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“Nice watch!” A Jew said to the other Jew.

“Thanks!” He replied. “My father sold it to me on his deathbed.”

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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I couldn’t decide what to wear to my premature ejaculator’s anonymous meeting the other day

So I came in my pants

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Two horsemen were riding towards each other.

They came up face to face on the other sides of a bridge. The bridge was not wide enough for them both to cross so they had to decide who goes first. The other horseman said ”Move out of the way or the same will happen to you that happened to the last horseman.” Well, the other man moved but still d...

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening?

“Bonesaw!”

TIL: If the Queen farts during dinner, all the other guests should pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

My guitar teacher got arrested the other day..

He was caught fingering minors

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I was at my therapist the other day,

And he asked how my day was.I responded not so good,because I lost something.
Therapist:what happened?
My ex got hit by a bus
Therapist:So you lost your ex?
Me:No I lost my job as a bus driver

Is that a new muscle shirt you got the other day

Do the muscles come tomorrow?

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

What is yours but other people use it more than you?

Your wife.

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

I went to a fashion show the other day.

But they were just a bunch if posers.

I was visiting my granddaughter the other day and asked to borrow a newspaper.

“It’s 2019, we don’t buy newspapers anymore. Here’s my iPad.”

I’ll tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

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What did the tittie say to the other tittie?

If we hang any lower they’re gonna think we’re nuts

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses?

From the dirt on her knees

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I went to the zoo the other day...

And I saw the monkeys wanking...

Then I went to see the giraffes, and I was still wanking.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner. No hemo.

What did one traffic light say to the other?

Don’t look, I’m changing!

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

What did the pirate say when he saw two of his shipmates pegging each other?

What are you doing to my leg??

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Me and my dad read a book to understand each other better.

but we were never on the same page

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