UPJOKE
world wide webcomputer networkcyberspacegoogleweb browserip addressemailinformationfacebookbloggingnetworkyoutubemultimediamodemusenet

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

Just an Internet Explorer joke

loading...

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How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once?

[deleted]

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

What do you call it when there is no Internet in Russia?

Internyet.

Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...

They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

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For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

“The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts “

Abraham Lincoln. 1865

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.

Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

What does Dora the Explorer have in common with Internet explorer?

They both so much time to process simple information

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

There are a lot of scams on the internet...

For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

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I was browsing the internet.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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I searched the internet for a Rorschach test

but all I found were a bunch of drawings of my room mates having sex

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

What does Quagmire do in the internet?

He giggity giggity googles.

Why did the internet browser get fat?

It accepted all cookies.

NASCAR used to have an Internet Explorer car

But it kept crashing.

I was wondering what my parents did without the internet

and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

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The makers of Viagra have started an exclusive internet service.

They make it hard to get in, but they claim you will experience very little downtime.

The internet should take it easy on Maegan Hall

She’s been roasted enough

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

Why is Ganondorf afriad of the internet?

There are too many LINKS

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

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Internet

**Before the internet, people had to walk miles just to call me a cunt.**

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are...

Why do yards on the internet look so good?

Because they modem.

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

Yo mama so fat she doesn't need the internet.

She’s already world-wide.

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

The internet is amazing

One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job

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I set up an internet page for chinese nazis

So far it has 3 Reichs on facebook.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?

The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

What's Forrest Gump's internet password?

1forest1

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

What's the most NSFW website on the internet?

osha.gov

Best advice I ever got on the internet was this:

Don't take advice from some rando on the internet.

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

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Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

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Wireless Internet is like Sex

You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.

What is the most commonly searched term on Internet Explorer?

Google Chrome.

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dialup times?

Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

The people on the internet are so friendly....

One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

Heaven is where the music is from the 80s, the TV shows are from the 90s, and the internet is from the 2000s.

Hell, meanwhile, is where the music is from the 2000s, the TV shows are from the 80s and the internet is from the 90s.

What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia?

It’s not .yu it’s .me

today my internet went out for About 3 minutes......

Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

Today I was in a home with no internet.

Something was Amish

Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam.

And that man is Michael Scott.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

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My wife is an internet porn star

She is going to be pissed when she finds out . . .

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

How do FLIES connect to the internet?

Via WIFLI

I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome!

Just kidding, happy April fools day!

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection?

"internyet!"

My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don’t need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

What's an internet scammer's favorite sport?

Phishing.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

What does an Internet-addicted frog say?

Reddit reddit

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A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022?

I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.

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