How do trees connect to the Internet?

They log on.

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

what does the internet use when swimming?

googles. i think this OC but i could be wrong

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention?

The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

My mind is like Internet Explorer

I don't use Internet Explorer.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two people who masturbate together by internet ?

An online meating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with awful internet trying to bring up a porn page?

He couldn't get it up!

Remember before the internet when it was thought collective stupidity was due to a lack of information?

Well, it wasn’t that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

China has introduced more stringent censorship policies on the internet

Chinese citizens will now no longer be able to indicate merriment using lol on WeChat, they must now compulsorily use lmao, or roflmao as a tribute to communist heritage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a covered pit with spikes at the bottom and the internet have in common?

They're both booby traps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

How does a tree get on the internet?

It logs in.

Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

What does corn use to get on the internet?

The cobweb.

Internet went down.

So my internet went down for the whole weekend,so I talked to my family. They seem to be nice.

The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

What was internet medias' interpretation of the hawking effect and coronal mass ejections?

: "God rubbing one out".

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you satisfied with your internet?

A man walks into Costco, an employee with a clipboard approaches him.

The employee asks, “Sir would you be interested in participating in a quick survey about your internet?”

The man replies “Sure”

“So sir, are you currently satisfied with your internet?”

“I guess so”
...

What do you call a mafioso with internet problems

A disconnected guy



bada bing bada boom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cheating ex is an Internet porn star!

Well, now she is anyway.

>!I know, I know. Dick move. Work with me here.!<

What do you call an old man on the Internet?

Elder scrolls

Why don't lepers use the Internet?

Because they're digitally challenged.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

I’m starting a club that prints out and mails content from r/jokes to people without internet.

It’ll be called the re-postal service.

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

I never use internet explorer, but when I do

I download google chrome.

I wo der how people used their free time before the internet...

I asked my eight siblings but they didn't know either.

Murphy’s Law states that...

if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!

Girls are like Internet Domain names

the ones I like are already taken

I'm positively delighted by funny internet memes.

So much so that I frequently can't even make it to the punch line without becoming giddy with laughter.

I suffer from, premature e-joke elation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Normally I don't post this kind of stuff but on a serious note

If anybody knows of a lonely old person who will be eating Christmas dinner alone, maybe they have no family or close friends etc then please let me know... I need to borrow a few extra chairs


Jokes not mine found it on the internet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

You know how I know Al Gore invented the Internet?

The whole thing runs on algorithms

What did our parents do when they were bored back in the days before the internet or video games?

I asked this question to my 24 brothers and sisters too...

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

Why does Ganondorf hate the internet?

Because there's too many links.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet videos are like boobs

Who cares if they are fake

Who used the internet first?

Httpsters.

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

The internet is like being a parent.

Your mistakes remain visible forever.

I think I might have internet addiction.

I just finished Reddit.

The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?

He's gifted

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?

E-Reptile Disc Function

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC NEWS: Russia to unplug from the internet.

In other news, 75% of the world's online porn has disappeared

Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

I really hate getting scammed on the internet. I ordered a shipment of uranium-237 the other day...

...and by the time it arrived a few days later, the box was half-empty!

Internet security tip - don’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.



NOTE: Not my joke but from work

The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

My grandfather had come to visit us

As we were having dinner, he told us of his latest exploits in the world of internet.

He said that he couldn't get through the captcha.

We asked him the problem and he told us that he could decipher and write the letters just fine.
But he didn't know how to put the curved lines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brain is like an internet browser.

12 tabs are open

5 of them are not responding

1 is showing porn

Tons of popups

and where the fuck is that annoying music coming from?

How come everyone's forgotten about internet explorer?

Because chrome takes up your memory.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

What's Forrest Gump's internet password?

1Forrest1

What do you call slow internet in the ocean?

Laten-sea

It was a golden era when there was no internet

In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.

Student doesn't turn in homework.

Teacher: Alright class, time to collect homework.
*walks around to collect homework, approaches student's desk. *

Teacher: "Where's your homework?"

Student: "I didn't know we had homework."

Teacher: "How? I posted it online."

Student: "I don't believe everything t...

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

How does a farmer access the internet?

With Old Macdonald's free wifi.

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