UPJOKE
world wide webgoogleweb browserip addressemailinformationfacebooknetworkyoutubemodembroadbandwirelesstwittermyspacewebsite

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

How does a tree get on the internet?

It logs on.

The other day I was wondering, what did people do for fun before the Internet?

I asked my 12 siblings, and they didn’t know either.

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

There are a lot of scams on the internet...

For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.

Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?

The trolley kept falling off the computer.

“The problem with looking up quotes on the internet..

Is that most of them are lies” - Abraham Lincoln

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I'M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

Yo mama so fat she doesn't need the internet.

She’s already world-wide.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

What's the most NSFW website on the internet?

osha.gov

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

(Internet Joke) We are basically monkeys, then what makes us human?!?

-Our less than 1% different genetic configuration?

-No!

-Sins like lust, envy, and jealousy?

-No!

-Qualities like love, compassion, and empathy?

-No!

-Greed for money and power?

-No!

-Altruistic values and moral capacity to renounce worldly pos...

Heaven is where the music is from the 80s, the TV shows are from the 90s, and the internet is from the 2000s.

Hell, meanwhile, is where the music is from the 2000s, the TV shows are from the 80s and the internet is from the 90s.

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

Why doen't Ganon use the Internet?

Too many Links

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam.

And that man is Michael Scott.

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

Dear parents

if your kids are taking long inside the bathroom and you want them to come out, simply turn off the wireless/Internet.
and you might even see your neighbor showing up at your door, asking: is there a problem?

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

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My wife is an internet porn star

She is going to be pissed when she finds out . . .

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

How do FLIES connect to the internet?

Via WIFLI

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

"I'll close all other applications and only keep my internet browser up to save processing power,"

Said the Google Chrome user.

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia?

It’s not .yu it’s .me

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dialup times?

Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

What's Forrest Gump's internet password?

1forest1

Today I was in a home with no internet.

Something was Amish

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

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When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

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date

After some time of flirting on the Internet, the girl decided to invite the guy to her place. At the appointed time, she is put aside, put on make-up, sits and waits with satisfaction.
But time flies and the guy is still gone. An hour or two passes ... after 4 hours the girl got pissed off, wa...

The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense.

The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome!

Just kidding, happy April fools day!

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

So many weird stuff on the internet these days

Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

What's an internet scammer's favorite sport?

Phishing.

What does an Internet-addicted frog say?

Reddit reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

Alison Brie, Anna Kendrick, and Keira Knightley play a game of strip poker. Who wins?

The internet

First time in Vegas

I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you cou...

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection?

"internyet!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.

98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

How do cats send message across the internet?

They e-meow each other

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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A man is overweight

A man is overweight, so he looks on the internet for weight loss programs. He is scrolling through the internet, when he finds an ad: “We guarantee you will lose weight or your money back” It said. He clicks on it, and it purchases a 5-pound weight loss program. Two hours later, a beautiful woman sh...

Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022?

I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Favourite Joke

Some time ago, when I was a teenager, I went to my uncle’s farm. I, a city boy, didn’t want to go but my cousins insisted and convinced me. It was a nice experience at first but after a few days there I was bored as fuck with no tv, no internet, no video games, and just seeing my cousins 24h a day.<...

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ?

Reddit

Credit: My 10 yr old Niece.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version...

It will be called the InterNYET.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons were siting around discussing who had the best paying operation.

First surgeon says he transplanted a West African penis onto a Japanese man for 10k.

Second surgeon says that's nothing... I once transplanted the tongue of a poodle into a French man for 100k.

Third surgeon say I would have beaten that by transplanting tits onto the back of a sailor.....

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

Just an Internet Explorer joke

loading...

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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