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Internet Jokes

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

A good Internet Explorer joke. [Long]

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Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

Why did the internet browser get fat?

It accepted all cookies.

NASCAR used to have an Internet Explorer car

But it kept crashing.

“The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts “

Abraham Lincoln. 1865

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.

Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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The makers of Viagra have started an exclusive internet service.

They make it hard to get in, but they claim you will experience very little downtime.

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I searched the internet for a Rorschach test

but all I found were a bunch of drawings of my room mates having sex

Why is Ganondorf afriad of the internet?

There are too many LINKS

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

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Internet

**Before the internet, people had to walk miles just to call me a cunt.**

Oldie, but Goldie...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

The internet should take it easy on Maegan Hall

She’s been roasted enough

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

What does Dora the Explorer have in common with Internet explorer?

They both so much time to process simple information

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I was browsing the internet.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

I was having trouble with my internet connection at the farm, so I moved my modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

Hey guys

Why do they have full Internet at public libraries if they're just gonna arrest you just for enjoying it?

I once dated a girl just for her internet connection

She was wifi material.

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,


we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.


Sincerely, Internet Provider

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

How do trees access the internet?

they log on.

Really like that Elvis song about internet dating.

Love me tinder.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

There are a lot of scams on the internet...

For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

Best advice I ever got on the internet was this:

Don't take advice from some rando on the internet.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably angry today…

… but first I need to put my luxury chef knives in the dishwasher.

My Fav St Pat's Day joke, "What is green and sits on your back porch?"

Patio (Paddy'O) Furnitue

Happy St Patrick's Day my internet friends!

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?

The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

What's the most NSFW website on the internet?

osha.gov

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

Yo mama so fat she doesn't need the internet.

She’s already world-wide.

What's Forrest Gump's internet password?

1forest1

What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

Heaven is where the music is from the 80s, the TV shows are from the 90s, and the internet is from the 2000s.

Hell, meanwhile, is where the music is from the 2000s, the TV shows are from the 80s and the internet is from the 90s.

Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam.

And that man is Michael Scott.

Internet discussion:

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I'M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

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When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia?

It’s not .yu it’s .me

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dialup times?

Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

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Wikipedia and Google walk into a bar...

Wikipedia: I know everything

Google: I have everything

Internet was sitting closeby: Without me, you both are nothing

From the end of the bar crackled the voice of Electricity: Keep talking, bitches...

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

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My wife is an internet porn star

She is going to be pissed when she finds out . . .

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection?

"internyet!"

What does an Internet-addicted frog say?

Reddit reddit

What's an internet scammer's favorite sport?

Phishing.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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